This shit is like a goddamn IBM commercial as it is fucking baffling to me. What just happened? It’s like when you watch someone struggle to back into parking spot for no reason…I get that you desire that quick getaway if you’re robbing a goddamn bank, but you’re most likely just headed into Target to procure some fucking Easy Mac and a side of stretch pants…I mean leggings. For someone apparently so concerned about time management why do your actions reflect the complete opposite?
Let’s backtrack to some time in 2007. I knew nothing about hops from a standpoint that the shit fades in both aroma and flavor with time and other factors. I knew nothing about beer releases or seasonal beer schedules. Like a goddamn idiot (when this situation is viewed from the perspective of someone that is “in the know”) I call up a store that carries Bell’s and ask foolishly about if they have Hopslam. Luckily for my ego (when also viewed from a more “knowledgeable” perspective) the motherfucker working there knew even less than I did. Shockingly they did not have it.
Fast-Forward a couple years and finally I was able to get a six-pack of this shit and I was a little hard to say the least. I brought the shit to a fellow cockman’s abode and opened that bitch. Immediately I was brought back to a time when I first discovered free pornography on the Internet…I wanted to tell everyone about it, but selfishly I wanted it all for myself. The smell was fucking amazing. Tropical fruit up the ass. Taste was nearly as perfect. This is really the beer that got me into DIPAs in the first place. Over the years I would try to seek the shit out and most of the time I was able to track down at least a bottle. I would be lying if the experience ever lived up to my first, but beer can be like crack in that way.
Now bring thineself to early 2014. I’m all ready and lubed up for this shit as I’ve got my fucking Hopslam glass and I’m wearing my fucking Hopslam t-shirt and the room has been rented in full for the next hour. I open the goddamn bottle (that still has one of the best labels of all time) and I’m ready to take every crooked inch of hops that this beer has to offer…
Wait a fucking second…where in the fuck are the hops? I’m only smelling sweet malt and alcohol. Something must be wrong here so another bottle is then opened and it too greets me with the same bullshit. It does appear a bit dark in the glass compared to memory, but hopefully the taste will be redeeming. I take a sip. Quickly I think of all of the assholes that back into parking spots in an effort to increase efficiency. Bell’s decided to name this beer “Hopslam” and as such I am rather confused...but we must dig further. We see that also contained within this beer is “[a] generous malt bill and a solid dollop of honey provide just enough body to keep the balance in check, resulting in a remarkably drinkable rendition of the Double India Pale Ale style.” First of all I will never disrespect a good dollop, but I will question its usage. Wait…so you brew a beer to showcase the beauty of what hops can do, but you then add in a whole bunch of shit that takes away from exactly that…seems rather illogical. In the mind of what type of person does adding a fucking “generous malt bill and a solid dollop of honey” equate to keeping the “balance in check” in a fucking DIPA that claims to be "[a] biting, bitter, tongue bruiser of an ale"?
Like those foolish people that will adamantly defend their flawed parking technique, there will be those that equally defend the concept of balance in DIPAs. Everyone is certainly entitled to his or her opinion…as long as they know that they’re wrong.
"With a name like Hopslam, what did you expect?"...I don't know...one should reasonably expect to be slammed by some fucking hops. After all...that is why I rented this goddamn motel room for the next hour.