Opinions on a lady situation

[Denchi]

So let me start off by saying I'm not terribly worried about this situation. For what it is right now it's ok, and I certainly don't lose sleep over it. It's just odd, so I'm wondering if anyone has experienced this before, or what I could do to ease this lady friend of mine down easy. I could do it the hard way (which I hate to do), or could figure out an easy way (which would be nice).

So I moved back to Minnesota at the beginning of the summer, fresh out of a 4-year relationship. Been out, hanging with old friends, making new friends, yay lots of fun, enjoying the single life. So a long-time buddy of mine has a crew from college that he keeps around (since he went to college up here) so I'm meeting some new folks through him as well. One of them happens to be a very cute girl. We never hit it off initially, just knew she was around. I get to be decent friends with a friend of hers from work, so we see each other every once in a while. Since she's around, I hear that she's madly in love with our friend Danny. Eventually that doesn't work out, so she becomes madly in love with our other friend. That doesn't work out. So she crushes on a few other guys and goes on a date site. Her and I chat every now and then at this point, but we have absolutely no chemistry, so it's mostly awkward. She doesn't do much to contribute to conversations and I'm not the type of guy to sit and talk for hours on end while the other person listens to me.

Anyways. Fast forward a bit and she starts texting me more, calling me....etc. I ignore her every once in a while because we're not really friends.....I try to spend time with my friends. She gets offended and this is where it all starts "Andy, you're one of my best friends and i don't like it when you ignore me." WTF. This girl and I are barely friends.....I get confused but I also kinda feel bad, so I decide to give her a little bit more of my time, since she's cute, and maybe I just haven't gotten to know her well enough to see if we'd be good friends. We start hanging out more, and she joins my frisbee team for the fall. I introduce her to some of my other friends and we all hang out. NO CHEMISTRY. Even though she's a cutie, at this point I'm really not interested in her. She's been talking about other guys ever since I'd known her, we really aren't compatible, etc etc. But I certainly don't mind having her on my frisbee team, other people seem to get along with her.

Fast forward about 3 months, we start hanging out more. We're pretty much the only single people in our friend group, we end up going to events together, but more out of convenience than anything else. We have friend dates where we go out to dinner and movies. But again..... we really don't get along that well. It's nice to have someone to hang out with and watch movies, but the library of things we have to talk about is thin as hell. We keep things topical. All the while, I'm hitting it off with other girls, trying to spend more time with them, etc.

Eventually, this girl I'm hanging out with tells me she likes me, which kind of blind sides me. She'd never acted flirty with me or anything. Sure she'd spent a lot of time with me, which makes a little sense, but I was still shocked. I tell her I don't wanna date her, lets be friends, we move on. A few nights later, we're watching a movie, we kiss. We don't make out, we just kiss. A few nights later, same thing. Just a kiss, no making out. She tells me she doesn't wanna date either, but she wants a cuddle buddy and someone to do "other stuff with." I'm ok with that, I tell her I'm seeking out other girls if she's ok with that, she says ok.

Fast forward to today. We haven't kissed since, she hasn't followed through on any of that "other stuff" and I still don't want to date her. The only thing that's happened since is that she's very demanding of my time, and very jealous of other people/girls I hang out with. She's inserted herself into some of my other friend groups and I'm getting to a point where i'm pissed off. There have been a few occasions where I've made plans with friends (who she didn't even know a month prior) and I show up only to find her there. She'd contacted them and invited herself over. She invites herself over here all the time. She doesn't have many friends because she's a bit hard to get along with. But I need to have my time back. All the time I spend with this chick I could be out mackin' on new girls, or hanging out with my buddies. I mean now if I have something pressing, or plans with other friends, I certainly go ahead and do that. It's just that the default if nothing is going on that night is this chick. She texts me or calls me during the day to make plans for that night, before I get a chance to feel the night out.

Now here I'd like opinions. Obviously I could stop answering her phone calls, stop hanging out with her. Ideally, the relationship would be worth it if she put out, but nothing of the sort seems to happen. The part I want to avoid is the conversation of "Hey, so I know we've been hanging out a lot, but I don't like you that much, and I want my life back. I also want you to give me my friends back. Find new friends, find a boyfriend, do something, thanks." That seems mean. I don't feel the need to be mean to her, she's not all bad, she's ok to have around sometimes. We also have a lot of mutual friends so I want to try to be civil about it. What do I do with her? Does she like me? Does she just need to be loved? I'm about to cut off ties and just be elusive, just thought I'd ask here if anyone has had such a weird relationship and how they dealt with it.

[Silenka]

She's attention whoring. If you start fucking her she'll turn into a crazy bitch stalker. If it was me I would tell her I don't want to be involved with her in any way anymore, if that doesn't work then drop off the radar for a while and she should go away. She probably just needs someone to latch onto... alternatively you could try hooking her up with someone.

[Heavencloud]

Bitch clearly doesn't know what she wants, as you said that she was floating around with different guys ever since you've known her. Sounds really needy =/

Need pics in order to give advice on what you should really do though.

[Airenn]

She's attention whoring. If you start fucking her she'll turn into a crazy bitch stalker. If it was me I would tell her I don't want to be involved with her in any way anymore, if that doesn't work then drop off the radar for a while and she should go away. She probably just needs someone to latch onto... alternatively you could try hooking her up with someone.

This kinda hits it on the spot.

From what you were saying about how she fell for the one dude, then the next dude, then had some other crushes or whatever, it just seems like she needs to LATCH onto someone. If you give her that attention, she just latches on more. :/

[Airenn]

Need pics in order to give advice on what you should really do though.

Also, this^

[Cream Soda]

Bitches love confidence

[Denchi]

Would a pic, if she were cute enough, really change the result of what I need to do?!?! lol

[Airenn]

Would a pic, if she were cute enough, really change the result of what I need to do?!?! lol

If she's fugly then yes -- Be like by, bitch!

If she's cute then we go dawwww I gotta let her down nicely!

[Mojo]

There are certain foundations required for a healthy relationship that you and this girl do not have. You don't seem interested enough and reluctantly dating someone would never work out, although you seem to know this already anyways, but I sense that you do have compassion for other people and do care about her feelings in at least some way.

What I think has happened with you and her is that you have become her keeper. She has unwisely invested herself into you in such a way that she now relies on you to be happy and feel normal. This happens with couples sometimes and it can sort of work (it's never ideal,) although you are not a couple and not interested in becoming one so the situation will only get worse unless you take action. If I were in your situation, I would tell her that you're not interested in a relationship and that casually sharing closeness as you've mentioned is not a good idea. Humans are not capable of simply turning off their emotions, even if they want to. What would happen (and it seems that it has already started to) is that every time you did something that was a reminder of how you weren't in a relationship with her (excluding her from your friends, being close with other girls, etc.) would make her jealous and compound a type of tension between the two of you that essentially makes her more reliant on you. This is why those little agreements people make never work. I'm sure she might have even meant it when she said that she was alright with you seeing other girls because at that point in time, you were fulfilling the role of her keeper. You were directing attention to her enabling her to make rational decisions. However, the second she loses this, she loses the ability to become rational and will start to freak shit.

Either way, although I think that although there is some healthy physical attraction between the two of you, it's just not enough. You can't force these things. In regards to her feelings and mental health (which again, I think you are concerned about,) there are really only two choices that remotely resemble a happy ending. You either start dating her, or you completely break it off. No cuddling agreements, no texting, no facebooking. No communicating at all, at least for an indefinite period of time. You could probably be friends later on, if that's something the two of you wanted, although right now your presence will simply draw out and worsen her emotional state.

[Denchi]

Well Mojo, I think you're assessment of the situation is spot on. I've talked with our mutual friend about it a bit (the guy I've known since 3rd grade and introduced the lady and I) and he has pretty much the same take. While biting the bullet and dating her seems like it could work, if I made the decision to, it would probably end up poorly. We might have sex a few times, but I'd quickly realize I don't like this chick. The only other option is to cut off ties. While the idea of it sounds not only reasonable, but downright necessary for both her and I, it's hard to pull off. There are plenty of girls who I would have no problem having this conversation with. As a matter of fact, I just had this conversation with another lady tonight, but her and I actually got along to a certain degree, and we will continue to. The problem is that I always feel awkward bringing shit up, because as I said earlier, we keep stuff topical. Lately we've been watching The Office, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and the Harry Potter movies. So we talk about those. I find it hard to be like "Yeah Charlie is awesome. Hey by the way, you're a clingy bitch, I want my space." or, "Harry stabbed the shit outta that basilisk, oh by the way stop calling me." I really get along with her family too, and I just hooked her mom up with a really awesome nfr copy or something (due to my work situation, about a $280 value. And her mom is a professor so I felt like she could use it), so I'd be pretty sad if I got to stop hanging out with them.

[Airenn]

Not saying you SHOULD do this, but I kinda wonder what would happen if you started talking about another girl around her.

Like, oh I met this girl and she's pretty cool, we're going on a date. Something like that. Nothing like HAY I GOT SOMEONE THATS NOT U LOL but kinda hinting that you are interested in someone else that's not her.

Also, don't ignore her, but seriously stop replying so much, hanging out so much, etc. If you're in a social situation, don't pay too much attention to her or act interested (again don't ignore but you can make a median). Also, try to do social situations of where she won't BE there.

I find it hard to believe you can't make your own time without her.

[Guitarman]

Unfortunately this is one of those things in life there are no easy solutions to. You just have to man up and do what needs to be done. Next time she's at an event or gathering she very obviously invited herself to, or starts acting clingy or jealous again, lay it out. "look, you're great and all, but you're crossing a line. I said i wasn't looking for a girlfriend, and you very obviously are acting like one. I need my space." If she starts to protest, say its either back off or stop seeing you altogether. You're trying too hard to be nice about this (which i salute you for), but it's just going to get worse as time goes on. Who cares if you get along with her family? She's not your girlfriend. Plenty of great people out there. Suck it up, take the lumps, move on. You'll thank me after the dust settles.

(btw, if you're wondering why she's doing this, it's the "i want what i can't have" mentality. very common in people. You're increasing her attraction to you by laying it out that you didnt' want to date).

[kuronosan]

Stick it in her pooper, etc.

Stay the fuck away from this one. She is clearly sending mixed signals and by "I want a cuddle/fuck buddy" she means "I want to slowly eek my way into your life as a girlfriend without actually establishing it". Once you sleep with this girl, she's going to get more demanding and she's going to start wanting to be considered your girlfriend.

Cut her loose.

[Acturus]

http://overthepylon.files.wordpress....eon-phelps.jpg

What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That's right don't be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt. By Leon Phelps

[Ksandra]

Gonna mention even if she's cute to avoid sex with her. Women that latch like that are usually desperate to keep a guy. She sounds like the classic case of "she told me she was on the pill!". Basically, gets herself prego and keeps it thinking she'll keep you that way.

You'd be surprise how often girls do that. women are bitches.

Outside of that do as others say, and start putting a line down. It sucks, but as there is no chemistry you would only be losing out on a movie buddy, and at least she'll be forced into knowing where you stand on the situation.

[Soa]

With girls like this you have to draw a hard, firm line about where the relationship stands, and you can't waver from it. Beat it into her brain (figuratively) if need be, but she must understand the accept the situation if she wants to remain in your life. If she can't then you cut off all ties and move on.

Also whatever you do, do NOT sleep with her. She has all the signs of a clingy, psychotic bitch and banging her will exacerbate the situation exponentially.

[Denchi]

Word, looks like I do have to draw the line. You guys think an email would work? Or does it have to be face-to-face?

[foopy]

Would a pic, if she were cute enough, really change the result of what I need to do?!?! lol

yes.

[isladar]

Good god, I don't understand this at all.

If you didn't like her, wasn't particularly interested in spending time with her, and had no chemistry, why the ever-loving fuck were you spending time with her?


How the fuck is lying being nice? I want to punch every passive beta-male bitch in the face, I cannot fucking stand this shit. And now you want advice on how to disentangle yourself from the situation you've pretty much okayed all the way through by giving her the time of day?

You've mentioned this isn't a hugely emotional situation, which is good, but it illustrates a pattern of thinking and behavior which is frankly disgusting. You do no one, most especially yourself, any service by being dishonest. Your entire post is one big "I think not telling the truth is nice", when it isn't. You've known the entire time what you felt, just like you've known how to deal with the situation ("Word, looks like I do have to draw the line"), which tells me that you're not only lazy, you're a coward.

And yes, I'm using punchy words to make a point, but that point is that you need to seriously, seriously look at how you're approaching situations.

[Moss]

I don't understand why you would kiss(yet not make out) with somebody you aren't interested in.