In this cold dreary month it can be difficult to find a reason to get out of bed. My friend Jim engages in a ritual wake-and-bake regimen that provides ample motivation to get up, it's the rest of the day as a US Airways Customer Service Manager that harshes the existential buzz.

Then there's me, a bewildered retail queen who must somehow seduce customers into buying still more merchandise after the orgy of December spending has left them flaccid and depleted. With Valentine's Day fully six weeks away, it's obvious we need an interim manufactured holiday.

We propose Security Theater Day. Invite about 15 people over, dress up in your favorite Security Theater outfits: TSA Screener, Armed Inane Rule Enforcer, etc. First, line up and throw away each other's perfectly good toiletries. Then haul your old microwave out of the garage and set up an Advanced Image Screening Station but plug it into the dryer outlet so it explodes in a fiery ball and everyone can practice acting badass important like Erik Estrada in crucial CHiPs scenes. Next, implement emergency pat-down procedure.

When everyone is unclothed send half the people into the 747 interior mock-up you've constructed out of cereal boxes and the other half into the bathtub. Amuse the bathtub people with Armageddon quantities of our naturally-scented bath salts and bubble-baths while, with the others, you film the thrilling new Dirk Diggler sensation "Air Hose One." Everyone's happy, more than can be said about most holidays.

When Jack TELLS me to take out the garbage rather than ASKS me, here's what I say: "You're not the boss of me, Jack. You're not the king of Dirk. I'm the boss of me. I'm the king of me. I'm Dirk Diggler. I'm the star." Then Jack points to the garbage can and goes back to reading the paper.