Cold Feet

[Stumblingdrunk]

She says she has cold feet, and you respond by thinking you should ditch her? Marriage isn't about love, its about commitment. If you aren't committed to her gtfo now, its cheaper than divorce.

[Meresgi]

Wait, so you see each other only a few days per month? Like..since you proposed? Have you guys even lived together for any amount of time?

Also you refer to her as a "un-appreciative bitch" because you think she doesnt feel special. Have you been doing anything on your part to make her feel special or are you lounging about eating cheetoes whenever you're around her and calling her a bitch?

Why did you even propose in the first place? Was this even thought out? Did you 2 talk about marriage ever or was it just a spur of the moment thing? Marriage isn't going to last for shit if it's based on a spur of the moment decision.

[aduidarnenye]

I would suggest that before you make any decisions give it a few weeks to see what happens with her. If she is still saying the same thing after a month then perhaps it is time to break it off. She might just be voicing her fear of being saddled with the same person for the rest of her life. And she might be voicing her fear of you fearing you're going to be with the same person for the rest of your life. Women like to approach issues like that at all sorts of crazy and wild angles that guys never understand and can't comprehend. Are you happy with the idea of spending the rest of your life with her? Tell her you are if you are. Tell her why you are. Let her think it over for a while. I wouldn't continue with wedding plans in the meantime however.

[SwampdonkeyPLD]

Lots of posts to respond to so I'm not going to try and quote them all.

Dejet: That was my exact, gut, response.

Salodin: It's jabuhda.

Tyche: 26 & 26.

Multiple people: We have lived together prior to now. It was np at all.

Finesse: Best man is in Costa Rica and just proposed. She is in NC. It wouldn't surprise me if he thought his dick was that big though.

Meregasi: We have lived together prior to engagement. That is something she knows to be true. It sounds harsh, but she has admitted that's the case. It was also not a spur of the moment decision. Prior to the engagement we had been apart for 5 months and then went to couples counseling and it was obvious that her attitude had changed. From July 24 '09 until let's say 12/1/10 things have been perfect.

And I honestly am not sure what will happen. The reason I posted this is because it seems like a subject that everyone has an opinion on, i.e. it's not a fact specific question. But, it would seem like a worthless post w/o some sort of background.

[kuronosan]

Well, if she's getting cold feet she may not be confident your relationship is ready to go that far.

If she's saying "work on things" then I would ask her what needs to be worked on. If she says "I don't know" then it's probably a good time to tell her "Well when you tell me, give me a call" and just break it off. Do you really want to be with someone who isn't even sure they want to spend the rest of their life with you 6 months before you get married? Most people get cold feet within weeks or days of the wedding due to jitters. This girl is already telling you that you need to work on things.

What things? Christ sakes.

[Salodin]

Throwin ya a pm swampy

[Milkster]

This was such a general and vague thread you made, it's hard to come to any conclusion (you already have made up your mind as other people have said), with so many variables. Did you two know you'd be apart for so long? Why propose if you knew this, etc.

[Despain]

So I think the title sums it up pretty well. Fiance gets cold feet 5 months before wedding for no really special reasons other than what you might expect so I won't elaborate unless necessary.

On a cold feet scale I said she's frostbitten.

So my question is, when a girl gets cold feet and says, "let's postpone the wedding and see if we can work on things," do you do that or just end it? In my mind it's equivalent to proposing and the girl saying no, but still saying she wants to be with you.

I'm curious what the internetz has to say.

End it.

If she's getting cold feet (frost-bitten), that usually means she's already thought of breaking up the relationship, but is in it more for the benefits than any actual feelings.

Getting married is highly overrated in today's society anyway. Its too much of a burden, and you do it for your family more than anything else. At least that's my opinion of it.

[Fhqwghads]

Going to have to agree. She's moved on in her mind, and this her way of ending it. Seen it before. They gradually distance themselves emotionally, physically, and mentally, until either something triggers an easy out, or they get distant enough to terminate the relationship. Better to throw the towel in now. Beware though, when it doesn't end on her terms, she will have a momentary epiphany that you're "the one". Don't buy into it. Shit's dead. You go with it and the cycle will start over at an accelerated pace until she's back to being comfortable with ending it the way she wanted to end it.

[Fhqwghads]

Also, just because I have seen this question come up multiple times, I posed it in a generic way to my wife, our friend, and another friend who is staying the weekend, so that's three women. They all unanimously agreed that it's over. Two of them even suggested that in a situation like that she's probably cheating on you. They basically all said it's a woman's nice way of saying "it's over." So there you go - you don't have to listen to just a man's perspective on this one.

[Skyylya]

The time before the wedding is as important as the time that occurs after. Its a test as much as anything else. Trying to simplify it is just nuts. Its full of stress and you being the center of the world.... I cant even think about it myself.

You are kind of emphasizing my point that people over complicate it. You're doing it yourself and I can surmise you're not even married. The time before and after the wedding is the same as every other moment after you've decided that you're ready to commit spending the rest of your life with someone. Just because you have a ceremony doesn't mean your feelings change or you've all of a sudden become more than what you were. A wedding is simply a ceremonial validation of your union with another person. What you and that person share emotionally and physically is unchaged before and after, or at least it should be otherwise you probably weren't ready or aren't with the right person.

Things can always change but if you're not emotionally married before you get married you're in trouble which is where these two seem to be.

[Ratatapa]

There is one thing that people didn't mentionned yet, unless I missed it.

Who was the one who proposed?

1) If she proposed and now she's backing off then yes gtfo
2) If you proposed she said yes and she backed off theres 2 questions out of this

2a) How long ago did you propose
2b) How Much time was between the yes and the backing off part

Girls are tough animals sometimes my friend had this "Cold Feet" and they are still together, she didn't cheat (we are 100% sure on that), she backed off because she said yes too fast and she wasn't rdy for commitment in life which is fine imo if you don't toy around the person

If there is a too long delay between yes and "backing off" then yes ask questions.

3) Do you really want to get married? or you wanna get married just to get married?

[Bingbong]

Swampy man, you know what you have to do. Getting married should be something to look forward to.
When people say it was "the best day of their life" they mean it...
If she really wanted to marry you, she would be excited, nervous(in a "I hope it all goes right" way), anxious, or some combination of all three.
Doesn't seem like she's any of those.

[Sepukku]

Going to have to agree. She's moved on in her mind, and this her way of ending it. Seen it before. They gradually distance themselves emotionally, physically, and mentally, until either something triggers an easy out, or they get distant enough to terminate the relationship. Better to throw the towel in now. Beware though, when it doesn't end on her terms, she will have a momentary epiphany that you're "the one". Don't buy into it. Shit's dead. You go with it and the cycle will start over at an accelerated pace until she's back to being comfortable with ending it the way she wanted to end it.

That shit they do when you end it cause they were (potentially subconciously) trying to end it and they suddenly are like "No, you mean so much to me!" is hilarious. And then 2-4 weeks later its back to where you were.

[Stu]

Wow, this sounds like such a rough situation. I hope things workout somehow.

I agree with people who say that if she suddenly feels the need to postpone after 9 years, you should end it. After hearing a bit of the story, I still think so.

On the other hand, I couldn't imagine breaking off with someone I've been with for 9 years. That's a lot of time to just throw away. And since you proposed to her, you clearly felt that she's someone worth spending the rest of your life with. I'd imagine that during any marriage, there will be some incredibly rough spots that you're going to have to work through. You know this too, yet you proposed to hear. That indicated that you're willing to work through rough times and you think she's worth it. So she may be worth working through this as well.

I voted "End it" and I'm still leaning towards end it. But obviously, you and your friends know your situation better, so you should keep talking with your best men and give their opinions more weight than you give ours. But I'm sure you already knew to do that.

Pretty much what Woozie said.

Sure 9 years is a lot to throw away, but I feel like if you try to work it out, you'll probably end up wasting more of your time. 9 years of being together and she doesn't know if she wants to marry you is a big WTF. Plus, you're only 26 so you got nothing to worry about when it comes to finding someone else.

[Meresgi]

Meregasi: We have lived together prior to engagement. That is something she knows to be true. It sounds harsh, but she has admitted that's the case. It was also not a spur of the moment decision. Prior to the engagement we had been apart for 5 months and then went to couples counseling and it was obvious that her attitude had changed. From July 24 '09 until let's say 12/1/10 things have been perfect.

What changed in December? Job loss, family situation that you mentioned with her dad worsen? Did you leave the toilet seat up far too many times? Sounds to me like maybe you guys should have a prolonged engagement and see how it works out. There's no rule that says you have to be married (x) amount of time after dropping the question. Let the idea sink in for awhile and then see what's up with her. If she still doesn't want marriage, and you do, then you guys need to go your separate ways.

[Shalyn]

Long time together to get cold feet. If you want to try to work on it you'll need professional help. If you don't you'll probably both be happier.

[Airenn]

My question is, how do you get the fucking ring back? "Look, sorry but I'mma need that ring back for someone who is gonna appreciate it?"

I dunno, I've never even had a ring on my ringer much less had someone needing to ask for it back.

[Meresgi]

My question is, how do you get the fucking ring back? "Look, sorry but I'mma need that ring back for someone who is gonna appreciate it?"

I dunno, I've never even had a ring on my ringer much less had someone needing to ask for it back.

Cover her hand in crisco and take it off while she sleeps D: