Cold Feet

[miokomioko]

Cold feet after such a long relationship is simply one of those "Oh man, I have been with mostly one person for such a long time, do I really want to make it permanent now without having experienced anything else?" She'll either get over the feeling or she'll go cat around before coming back. The latter of which is somewhat questionable whether to be OK with or not. It depends on your maturity level.

[dejet]

Cold feet after such a long relationship is simply one of those "Oh man, I have been with mostly one person for such a long time, do I really want to make it permanent now without having experienced anything else?" She'll either get over the feeling or she'll go cat around before coming back. The latter of which is somewhat questionable whether to be OK with or not. It depends on your maturity level.

Shes going to come back as some point. The thing is its not ok. You have been with a person for over 9 years? and she does not no if your the one? There is a much deeper underling reason.

if she wants to "shop around" do you want really wait? without knowing the outcome? hint: No you do not.

We can question his maturity level, but really he wants to be with her(hence the proposal). Its a question of her maturity. He needs to make the decision; but lets not play around and pin this on him.(unless he left out that he cheated or something)

[Drex]

calling "cheating" catting around doesn't make it any better, and it has nothing to do with the faithful partner's maturity level

[Siniroth]

I forgot to post this earlier, might've already been said in as many or more words, but end it, if it's not a yes, it's a no.

[miokomioko]

calling "cheating" catting around doesn't make it any better, and it has nothing to do with the faithful partner's maturity level

When I said cat around, I meant breaking up. I wasn't implying any actual cheating. It does have a lot to do with the maturity levels of both parties involved. If she really does have cold feet because she secretly wants to split up and meet other people before making the commitment... that takes some maturity to understand/accept that. It's the classic "if you love it, set it free" shit. It takes some confidence to do it and even more confidence to get back together.

This is all assuming that not wanting to get married means she is actively having second thoughts about the relationship as a whole, which it usually does.


I also notice a lot of the "advice" in this thread appears to be coming from people who hold very little value or experience in monogamous, long-term relationships, or marriage. Hence, the overwhelming "end it"s. I've been in a 7-year (highschool through college) and now am in a 4-year (end of college to present), and seen my friends go through 4~6-year stretches... and I am definitely seeing obvious patterns amongst all these vastly different women.

[Qalbert]

Confession: Some one I don't know recently posted a thread some where about breaking up with his gf. I know he should, because while they were dating his gf and I might have maybe shorta had phone sex. I feel bad and don't want to tell him cause I know that kind of information sucks, but I always want to let him know to gtfo now.

hmm...

[Acturus]

Am I the only one waiting for Milk's girlfriend to show up out of the fucking blue to give her opinion?

[Ksandra]

hmm...

what the fuck.

inc 10+ pages

[Fhloston]

That's tough man. I say end it for most reasons posted already. Yeah after 9 years, shit is gonna hurt. It'll be worse though if you get married and she decides she wants out then. Best of luck dude.

[Aristio]

Seen this shit before as it happened to me. Sorry to say that she most likely has someone else she is interested in. Took a shit ton of heartbreak to let it go, and even more heartbreak realizing I never saw it when I was with her. Best of luck man.

[kuronosan]

The key phrase in this entire situation is how she feels "you have stuff you need to work on". After 9 years together and becoming engaged, what the hell do you have to left to work on (besides the fact that humans always have something to work on, even her)? What else could she possibly be unsatisfied with that she feels it's not enough to get married?

Nothing. That's what. After 9 years together, she should know you well enough to be okay with all your faults and shortcomings. That's what staying in a long-term, monogamous relationship is about. My girlfriend and I discuss flaws and shortcomings all the time, because it's better to know where you stand with each other so that when you are married, you guys already know what to expect (for the most part) and can open the playing field for discovering new things about each other.

Long story short, she is clearly not on the same page and you should really determine what it is she finds is lacking. If she can't give you a straight answer, tell her that you are sorry and cannot waste any more of your life waiting for her to be satisfied with you. You love her, clearly, but you also need her respect. She's not giving it to you. Do the math.

[Akiyama]

Am I the only one waiting for Milk's girlfriend to show up out of the fucking blue to give her opinion?

Late to this thread, but this needed my attention.

If this happens, it's on your head.

As far as the cold feet.. seems odd that she'd get it now after this long. I think part of her wants to work it out based on history with you and how long you've been together, but another part of her probably wants to try dating around.. at least I think so. So I'd say get it over with. It's like ripping off a bandaid. It'll hurt for a bit, but in time, you'll find yourself moving on. Oh, and yeah.. she'll probably come crawling back after her three month fling fails to work out because the dude just wanted the lay.. and if she does, be strong.

[Aidin]

Kind of related, I guess.
My Uncle was with my "Aunt" for 19 years without being married. She had two kids from before (1 and 2 when they got together), and they had a daughter 3 years into it. She left him last year when he finally proposed.

Anyway, going to have to go with the poll results so far on this one, 70 to 18 in favor of End it.

[Dmitry]

Am I the only one waiting for Milk's girlfriend to show up out of the fucking blue to give her opinion?

Would be funny but I don't think milk would set his password to "fuckyoualex", unless she mad her own account that I don't know about.

[shepardG]

Seriously, you've been with this chick for 9ish years, from 17-26... ARGUABLY the most defining years of a man/womans life, and you seem to think that it should work out like it would have when you were 17 years old? End it.

Fuck man, you have been raising gold fish all your life, your gonna be single and all the sudden your gonna find a beta! or a clown fish! or an oscar and your gonna be like:
"Holy shit, gold fish are so lame...why the fuck didn't i realize this sooner"

like 1 in 67434345 couples meet before the age of 20 and stay together for the rest of their lives. you have a better chance of being killed by a shark on a plane over the south pole on feb. 29th.

tough shit is tough but you gotta man up

[dejet]

When I said cat around, I meant breaking up. I wasn't implying any actual cheating. It does have a lot to do with the maturity levels of both parties involved. If she really does have cold feet because she secretly wants to split up and meet other people before making the commitment... that takes some maturity to understand/accept that. It's the classic "if you love it, set it free" shit. It takes some confidence to do it and even more confidence to get back together.

This is all assuming that not wanting to get married means she is actively having second thoughts about the relationship as a whole, which it usually does.


I also notice a lot of the "advice" in this thread appears to be coming from people who hold very little value or experience in monogamous, long-term relationships, or marriage. Hence, the overwhelming "end it"s. I've been in a 7-year (highschool through college) and now am in a 4-year (end of college to present), and seen my friends go through 4~6-year stretches... and I am definitely seeing obvious patterns amongst all these vastly different women.

I can not speak for everyone, but my advice comes from what I have dealt with. I was in a very similar circumstance. Although I did not propose to the woman, but I know her 6, been best friends with her for over 4 years, dated 2 years, I sometimes feel like we still do the way we hang out.

I no his has lasted much longer but its not a slope I want to go down myself again. We still are very close friends, but I can say for a fact that when I chill with a new girl she does get in the way. Its also a big turn off to woman when you tell them your friend of 6 years you are going to hang out with, and in the end they find out you had a romantic aspect. (its going to happen, trust me. So if you do stay friends IF it is over dont hide this)

Clinging is never a good idea(like I seem to be doing lol). I dont think many of us are saying do not try and work it out(even if it reads that way). We are saying that, it does not look good. try to work it out, but do not hide the fact of how grim it looks.