Miss Piggy's Grocery Store Checkout Headlines

[Ksandra]

Him having diabetes doesn't change the all you can eat sushi rule which requires the person to eat the rice portion as well,

Wanted to also mention, at least the the all-you-can eat sushi places I've been too they usually mention in the menu how you have to eat everything (especially since they are made-to-order, unlike a buffet). If you don't, they charge you for what you don't eat. So as long as the restaurant has that written somewhere customers see, then the guy doesn't have a defense at all.

[Ksandra]

http://gawker.com/socialites-claim-t...-for-627825384

Socialites Claim They Got Tricked into Paying $50k for Finger Painting

A finger painting is at the center of an almost half-a-million dollar lawsuit after an Upper East Side couple claims they were tricked by their children's pricey private school into paying $50,000 for a finger painting by kindergartners.

Michelle Heinemann and her investment-banker husband Jon have sued the Cathedral School of St. John the Divine after they won a benefit auction with a bid far higher than they had intended to pay. They are also pulling their son and daughter out of the school, suing for money to relocate their children to a new school, as well as $60,000 to pay for their chauffeur to help bring their children to their new school.

The Heinemann's believe the school rigged the auction by having a first-grade teacher, “Ms. Bryant," drive up the bill to $50,000. Because the Heinemann's were out of town, and had given instructions to a proxy to be the highest bid, they believed the largest possible damage for a finger painting (which are priceless) would fall around $3,000. But Ms. Bryant desperately wanted that finger painting and drove up the price to that ridiculous figure.

“This is essentially a painting done by 5-year-olds,” explained a source to The Post. The Heinemann's son was involved in helping make the piece of art.

The school is standing by the validity of the auction, and have also tried to respond to the Heinemann's concern that their son was being treated improperly by the school.

Reads the lawsuit about little Hudson Cornelius's maltreatment:

“On one occasion, plaintiffs’ 5-year-old son was relegated to the role of ‘door-holder’ and ordered to hold the door for all of the other students.”

Hudson was obviously coming from a place of great pain while working on the piece of art, which is probably why it's so brilliant and wonderfully expensive.

[Fievel]

Oh well shit, if they had the son hold open a door then he's clearly being mistreated.

[hey]

“On one occasion, plaintiffs’ 5-year-old son was relegated to the role of ‘door-holder’ and ordered to hold the door for all of the other students.”

Well shit, i wonder if i can still sue my elementary school for that.

[Moss]

had given instructions to a proxy to be the highest bid

seems like a swell idea

[Ghost_Wheel22]

http://news.yahoo.com/dark-day-flags...190558876.html

As a wildland firefighter and also having lost seven friends from a helicopter crash just a few years ago this really hits me in the feels.

[Sepukku]

Being diabetic doesn't necessarily qualify someone as a "fat fuck".

This is all I was trying to prove.

I only took exception to the statement cause it came across as discriminatory. There are, undoubtedly, Wulferd Brimleys out there who got their type 2 diabetes from being lazy and who's diabetes destroys their life due to continued laziness after diagnosis. But there are people who get unlucky type 2 (the 'fat people' kind as most people imagine diabetes, but can also get it from being one of several minorities especially native american bloodlines) as well as people who get type 1 (like myself and at least 2 other BG members include Rabidelly) who got it at a very young age unrelated to diet or how active one is and it'd be nice if people didn't casually dismiss everything food/diabetes related to an attitude of simply "they're fatfucks who brought this upon themselves."

[Sepukku]

http://news.yahoo.com/dark-day-flags...190558876.html

As a wildland firefighter and also having lost seven friends from a helicopter crash just a few years ago this really hits me in the feels.

This was pretty bad.

[Boyiee]

http://news.yahoo.com/dark-day-flags...190558876.html

As a wildland firefighter and also having lost seven friends from a helicopter crash just a few years ago this really hits me in the feels.

- Andrew Ashcraft, 29
- Kevin Woyjeck, 21
- Anthony Rose, 23
- Eric Marsh, 43
- Christopher MacKenzie, 30
- Robert Caldwell, 23
- Clayton Whitted , 28
- Scott Norris, 28
- Dustin Deford, 24
- Sean Misner, 26
- Garret Zuppiger, 27
- Travis Carter, 31
- Grant McKee, 21
- Travis Turbyfill, 27
- Jesse Steed, 36
- Wade Parker, 22
- Joe Thurston, 32
- William Warneke, 25
- John Percin, 24

[Ragnus]

http://www.p4rgaming.com/majority-of...er-mario-bros/

During a Q&A session, Satoru Iwata revealed why Nintendo’s newer games are easier. Nintendo conducted a test with many gamers and found that most of them were unable to finish the first level in the original Super Mario Bros.

Nintendo president Satoru Iwata fielded a question regarding the simplification of games during their 73rd annual stockholder meeting. The following is a translation of the question and answer:

I feel that Nintendo games today are much easier which is why the Wii U might be failing. Back then, games were much more difficult and therefore gamers really enjoyed them so they continued to buy Nintendo games and systems. Do you feel the same way?

Satoru Iwata (president): I actually agree with your assessment. However, since you are speaking as a stockholder, you should agree with our strategy after you hear about the tests we have conducted.

It may come as a shock to some of you that most gamers today can not finish the original Super Mario Brothers game on the Famicom. We have conducted this test over the past few years to see how difficult we should make our games and have found that the number of people unable to finish the first level is steadily increasing.

This year, around 90 percent of the test participants were unable to complete the first level of Super Mario Brothers. We did not assist them in any way except by providing the exact same instruction manual we used back then. Many of them did not read it and the few that did stopped after the first page which did not cover any of the game mechanics.

We watched the replay videos of how the gamers performed and saw that many did not understand simple concepts like bottomless pits. Around 70 percent died to the first Goomba. Another 50 percent died twice. Many thought the coins were enemies and tried to avoid them. Also, most of them did not use the run button. There were many other depressing things we noted but I can not remember them at the moment.

Furthermore, we asked for suggestions on how to improve the game. A majority of them wanted the game to be easier and they suggested many ways to do this. Some of them wanted a mandatory tutorial while others wanted more ways to kill things besides jumping on them. We explained that Mario could shoot fire balls with the Fire Flower power-up, but then they wanted Mario to start with more weapons like a sword or a gun.

Some of the people seemed to be unaware that this was an actual old game that existed as they asked if the retro-style graphics were supposed to be a throwback to old Nintendo games. Some missed the point of the questionnaire completely and said that the graphics and music were terrible and needed to be improved in order for the game to sell. They also wanted a deeper storyline and voice acting.

So, as a stockholder, you should be relieved to know that our games are easier in order to attract a wider audience. As a gamer, you might feel a little sad, and you should be. It is quite sad.

Shigeru Miyamoto, Super Mario Bros. designer, also added that he originally designed the game so that everyone could beat it. “I failed miserably,” he said at the end of his answer.

tl;dr: Modern gamers are fucking retarded.

[Melena]

http://www.p4rgaming.com/majority-of...er-mario-bros/



tl;dr: Modern gamers are fucking retarded.

Ugg, I need a drink now after reading that. I honestly wonder how many "gamers" today could beat battletoads.

And fuck I just noticed the link, P4rgaming is the video game equivalent of the Onion

[hey]

This year, around 90 percent of the test participants were unable to complete the first level of Super Mario Brothers.

Anyone who fell for this should be ashamed they never played the game. Really, go play it. It's pretty good, and only takes like 5 minutes.

[Scythiroth]

Can't believe people keep falling for p4rgaming lol.

[Karbuncle]

I got about to the part where they suggested people couldn't comprehend bottomless pits when I realized someone was yanking my chain.

[Ragnus]

Yep. Nevermind. I'm the fucking retarded one for falling for this. I never even heard of this website until I was linked to the article.

[Mazmaz]

All parody news sites are trash, including Onion.

[Buffy]

http://www.breitbart.com/system/wire...02-151152-9817

[Qalbert]

maz mazzing

[Howie Roary]

people who believe that are not gullible, but misanthropes

[Melena]

All parody news sites are trash, including Onion.

Thank you for your insightful commentary on comedy and news media. I can't wait to hear your review of the Daily Show and Colbert Report.