Relationship: things in common: important or not?

[volcanicweather]

There's definitely a problem with the +1 mindset you have. Why don't you try spending a weekend alone doing neutral "fun" activities (i.e. mini-golf, go karts, laser tag, movie, amusement park, etc) and see what happens. If you're looking at your watch constantly or annoyed it's probably not going to work out in the long run.

In regards to dating someone with similar interests, my girlfriend and I are very different. She likes girl stuff such as shopping, talking on the phone, and fashion with no sports knowledge at all (I asked her to name as many basketball players as she could the other day and she could only name 3 - Jordan, Magic, Rodman - and she thought they were all still playing in the NBA) and no interest in gaming. Yet we have a great time because we both like a huge array of music and have the same quirky sense of humor. I also have a tremendous amount of respect for her and trust for her immensely, she's an amazing person.

I've come across some people who are seeking a significant other who is similar to themselves in every way and they are usually pretty miserable because they are looking for perfection when it's not achievable. Just find someone who makes you happy, who you trust, and who you can enjoy life with.

[Alleya]

Strongest correlation in psychology, proven time and time again, is that more similarity ---> higher probability of long term success.

Even successful couples that appear to be opposites on the surface tend to share underlying values, goals, opinions on relationship roles, etc.

[Mizango]

My pro death

lol thats awesome. Plus man, you guys have some cute fucking kids. Cant wait to kick it with you guys Popeyes redux!

You got the picture a bit wrong here, the situations I bring a friend are always different: one time it's a cinema with friend A and his g/f, next time it's a bar with friend B and his g/f, other times it's just a drink with friend C. Not like I have a bromance So no, I wouldn't let either of them hit my g/f.

I honestly think you're splitting hairs here. True, I was incorrect and you were right in that the situations are indeed changing, but regardless of that you are still dragging an anchor around. It can be a 30 different friends over the course of 30 nights, it doesn't matter, at the end of the night it still wasn't you and your girl, spending time alone. Now as far who's friends are tagging along, thats not my business. All im saying is that you guys are growing apart and the fact that you two cant even enjoy a night out alone is only going to expedite the process.

I don't only feel comfortable with a third weel along, I just think it's boring without one.

Again, splitting hairs. You're basically defining the same topic.

I like girls who are independant, just like you, and she claims she is, which she is to a certain extent, but I just would like her to be more independant. I don't like people being dependant on me, at least not in a non-business way.

Agree with you 100% here.

[lamp]

My girlfriend and i have very few interests in common, i like sports, gaming, drinking, being lazy on my days off and eating lots. My girlfriend, is on weight watchers, enjoys walking, shopping, exercise, all that celebrity kinda crap, reality TV etc... What we do have in common though is our morals, religious views and sense of humour. I think in terms of her loving to watch Kendra and me rather playing some ps3, it doesn't really matter. Aslong as you can relate to each other on an emotional level all the other crap doesn't matter.

Also, its very damn rare i will be bored doing anything alone with my girlfriend, i love spending time with her doing nothing or absolutely anything. If you can't bare to spend time alone with this girl, its probably time to cut loose.

[Mizango]

"Nigga I aint clingly, I just get lonely when I dont have one around"

wut?

[TummieGaruda]

It really depends on the situation, but I agree that you should be yourself and make your future intentions known or hinted at some time during the relationship. Perfect example was a friend of mine who was with his girlfriend for 3 years and they had a lot in common. They seemed pretty inseparable, however they recently broke up (mutual decision) because she wanted to settle down and have kids, and did not want to have kids. She already landed her dream career but he was still working at trying to find his. Together they were great, but individually, they were at two different places in their own lives and that tends to generate conflict.

Also what Tyven said, differences help to generate new experiences for both individuals in the relationship.

[Enedin]

There's definitely a problem with the +1 mindset you have. Why don't you try spending a weekend alone doing neutral "fun" activities (i.e. mini-golf, go karts, laser tag, movie, amusement park, etc) and see what happens. If you're looking at your watch constantly or annoyed it's probably not going to work out in the long run.

In regards to dating someone with similar interests, my girlfriend and I are very different. She likes girl stuff such as shopping, talking on the phone, and fashion with no sports knowledge at all (I asked her to name as many basketball players as she could the other day and she could only name 3 - Jordan, Magic, Rodman - and she thought they were all still playing in the NBA) and no interest in gaming. Yet we have a great time because we both like a huge array of music and have the same quirky sense of humor. I also have a tremendous amount of respect for her and trust for her immensely, she's an amazing person.

I've come across some people who are seeking a significant other who is similar to themselves in every way and they are usually pretty miserable because they are looking for perfection when it's not achievable. Just find someone who makes you happy, who you trust, and who you can enjoy life with.

I envy you, really. I don't want someone who is like me in every way, 'cause that wouldn't work, I know myself. I trust my g/f, that's not the issue, I just can not agree with her world view and beliefs about most things. We don't share the same sense of humour nor music nor food.

Positive things: she leaves me alone to do my thing (design, game, friends etc) and doesn't need a lot of attention. We can have interesting talks about our friends, she's quite the observer when it comes to people. I'm just constantly asking myself: is this it? If this is what a relationship is about, then I don't want one. But a relationship is something you need to work on, so I want to try and fix it.

The main problem I have with her is that I think that she's not passionate about anything. She said it herself: I'm not passionate about anything, because I start thinking about something else and it's gone. She's also heavily a realist, and I'm a dreamer. It's good to have her to put my 2 feet on the ground, but it's too much: I always feel down whenever she comments on something I'm doing, so I started doing the same. You see where we are now, it's fucked up.

[volcanicweather]

I envy you, really. I don't want someone who is like me in every way, 'cause that wouldn't work, I know myself. I trust my g/f, that's not the issue, I just can not agree with her world view and beliefs about most things. We don't share the same sense of humour nor music nor food.

Positive things: she leaves me alone to do my thing (design, game, friends etc) and doesn't need a lot of attention. We can have interesting talks about our friends, she's quite the observer when it comes to people. I'm just constantly asking myself: is this it? If this is what a relationship is about, then I don't want one. But a relationship is something you need to work on, so I want to try and fix it.

The main problem I have with her is that I think that she's not passionate about anything. She said it herself: I'm not passionate about anything, because I start thinking about something else and it's gone. She's also heavily a realist, and I'm a dreamer. It's good to have her to put my 2 feet on the ground, but it's too much: I always feel down whenever she comments on something I'm doing, so I started doing the same. You see where we are now, it's fucked up.

I don't know how you rate trust when it comes to relationships or how many you've had in the past but to me it's huge. To me communication (can I talk to her about anything?), intimacy (do I enjoy having her near me / find her attractive), and trust are the foundation of any solid relationship.

In regards to the "not passionate about anything" comment, my gf was/is the same way. She tried lots of different things but nothing can really hold her attention for long enough. I can make up my own hobbies and keep myself busy all the time but it was a real struggle for her and it was becoming a strain on our relationship. Then she took a night class and it did wonders for her because she needed the structure with her activities. Now she's working out several times a week at the gym and along with her cooking interests she feels really good about what she is doing with her free time for the first time in a long time. People are just wired differently.

We're actually the opposite though from you guys in that I'm more the realist and she's the dreamer. From the realist perspective we don't mean to be naggy when it comes to the hypothetical, it's just in our nature because facts and reason just make more sense for drawing conclusions to us. Have you tried talking to her about it? It was also a source of stress for my gf and I but she eventually started calling me out on it when I was doing it subconsciously so now I state my opinion on some stuff as more of a suggestion than absolute fact and it is received much better by her most of the time.

[Tekki]

Strongest correlation in psychology, proven time and time again, is that more similarity ---> higher probability of long term success.

Even successful couples that appear to be opposites on the surface tend to share underlying values, goals, opinions on relationship roles, etc.

I can only 2nd this opinion from my relationships over the past. Before my fiancée I was in 2 semi serious relationship that I can bring up to draw insight into this question. A: We had only 1 thing in common and differed on most everything. We mutually agreed that it wasnt going to work but we are great freinds now. B: We had practically nothing in common and played the idea "we will always have something interesting to do or talk about" I take that back, we had one thing in common... we liked fucking. And when it came down to it, that was the only reason we were in a relationship. That one only lasted maybe 2 months.

Now, with my current g/f, we have a ton in common and a ton of different interests. I'm talking a list of maybe 10-15 major "facebookable" interests that we enjoy together, but then just as many different seperate interests. And the thing about the separate interests? In no way do they bother either of us. She loves to read, and will read 2-3 books a week. I like to play CoD until I vomit. She talks books sometimes and Im genuinely interested, she watches me act like a retard in front of the TV when i call BS on CoD. Neither of us get "annoyed" by our separate hobbies, and we have a ton of similar hobbies that will always keep us interested.

In short, its a balance. Based on experience, not having anything in common is a road to nowhere in terms of long term relationships. Seriously could you go DECADES without things in common? Where as having similar interests gives plenty to do until your gray haired days.

[Mizango]

I envy you, really. I don't want someone who is like me in every way, 'cause that wouldn't work, I know myself. I trust my g/f, that's not the issue, I just can not agree with her world view and beliefs about most things. We don't share the same sense of humour nor music nor food.

Damn It is bad then. I mean if you two are that different even at the basic level then, yeah. I see your point.

Positive things: she leaves me alone to do my thing (design, game, friends etc) and doesn't need a lot of attention.

I know im probably beating a dead horse here but do you have any experiences that make having other people around a necessity? Because it seems that she has no problem leaving you well enough alone and letting you have you time, so that only leaves me with the question of where do you stand on this issue? Anchor friends are entering the equation at some point and I am not seeing where or how. Is she a Debbie Downer that instantly can wreck a buzz or something? Then again you guys havent been out alone in 3 months? What makes me question you stance is that she is the one that pointed it out, as you were completely oblivious to that little known fact until she brought it to your attention. Women take score and bitch about things they dont like, so im guessing she was noticing this trend a few weeks in but bode her time until you guys had this conversation.

Tell us about YOU, we've heard constantly about her. I don't mean to harp or come off as a dick, so my apologies if it comes off that way, but sometimes its harder to look in the mirror at that person staring back at you. She may have fucked views and all this, but for one she isnt clingy (from your words) and she gives you ample space to express yourself and do you. But something is missing in this story, but I cant quite put my finger on it.

The main problem I have with her is that I think that she's not passionate about anything. She said it herself: I'm not passionate about anything, because I start thinking about something else and it's gone. She's also heavily a realist, and I'm a dreamer. It's good to have her to put my 2 feet on the ground, but it's too much

This I can understand and agree with you on. Someone that is seemingly stuck in a rut and is a realist (assuming its in a negative sense) really can work my nerves. No effort, no motivation and no drive because they see no point. No one wants to date Eeyore and be kept around solely for the purpose of hand feeding anything thistle sticks and listing to moping. This I can agree with you on.

: I always feel down whenever she comments on something I'm doing, so I started doing the same.

So its a confidence thing. Again, not to be a dick but dont let a bitch pull you to her level. She starts being Debbie Downer, just tell her how you feel. She'll get mad and get over it. There is no point in tucking your tail and handing over your nuts to any female for the sake of making her "happy" when she's not happy to begin with. She honestly just sounds like a miserable person and you need to realize that misery begets more misery.

Sean in Spam posted an amazing blog this morning that may just help you out. Here are a few inserts...

BITCH NIGGA SYMPTOMS
-You always call her first
-She only invites you out on group dates
-You hit “like” on every one of her FaceBook pictures
-She says “you talk too much”, and your response is to shut up
-You RT every lame ass motivational tweet she writes
-You check your phone every 30 secs to see if she texted back
-You spend more time chauffeuring her then under her sheets

I’m not saying be mean to girls, I’m suggesting that you stop being afraid to speak up! Girls love a man who can keep up with them. Telling her how pretty she is and doing everything she asks you to do will not turn her on. You can’t nice guy those panties off. “Girl he pulled my chair out, I’m going to suck the skin off his gentlemanly dick” It doesn’t work that way jabroni. Women need to be challenged and stimulated.

If she catches an attitude, don’t kiss more ass, tell her she’s being a bitch. You joke me, I’m going to joke you better. You want to go bowling, fuck that we’re going to the movies. You text me on some attention shit, I’m not texting you back. Go join the rest of the lonely chicks who tweet, “he still hasn’t texted me back, I hate men”. You are a man! We don't compromise!

real_nigga status

[Enedin]

Have you tried talking to her about it? It was also a source of stress for my gf and I but she eventually started calling me out on it when I was doing it subconsciously so now I state my opinion on some stuff as more of a suggestion than absolute fact and it is received much better by her most of the time.

Interesting post you made, thanks for putting that up. I talked to her about it several times and I suggested she find a hobby, but all she says is that she doesn't have time for it (she works a lot), and she just doesn't know what to do.

I told her that I think it's sexy when she's busy doing something she loves, with great care and attention, just like I take great care and pride in my graphic design. It's just that she doesn't have anything like that, so she has nothing much to talk about when she's with me. I would love to hear her rambling about something, as long as it's with a passion.

I'd apply my life motto to her as well: I don't care what you do, as long as you do it with passion. That's how I decide whether or not something is meant for me. And as of now, I'm not doing her with a passion.

But I'm gonna keep suggesting she find a hobby, maybe even introduce her to something. We talked about it, but she just doesn't feel like doing it.

[Melena]

Have to have some basic stuff in common for it to work. Before I met my wife, every girl I dated was not into games and the relationship deteriorated. You both will need some common lifestyle goals as well. If one wants a child and the other doesn't for example, the relationship can sour quickly.

[Enedin]

@Mizango

I'm a weird guy. I'm always thinking about something, or doing something, or enjoying something. I'm not focused on people, more on things. I see people as things I can use to enhance both our enjoyment of a given activity. Like swimming: much more fun with 3 or more people, especially when a ball is around.

So, I always try to find common ground at first. I just didn't with her because I was in love. But after 6 months it struck me that we weren't really connecting anymore, and I started wondering why. My guess is that I just don't have enough in common with her, and believe me I've tried to find something. She did as well, but her "meh" attitude of ultrarealism makes me bored all the time.

Like, when we go grab a bite and I notice a very well made menu (graphic design), I tell her about it. I know she doesn't care, she fakes interest, and I'm glad she does, but I just can't help but think that it would be nicer if I had someone to share a genuine interest with, in anything.

Last week we had a discussion about musical instruments. I play piano, so I told her that I love people who play piano, as we could learn from each other. She then tells me that she would never want someone that plays the same instrument as she does (she doesn't play an instrument, just hypothetically), because it would be boring. This is one of the views that differ quite a lot, and it results in this: I do things with people because we both like doing those things, and she does things with people because she enjoys those people. I enjoy people BECAUSE we have a common interest, but I'm also open to new things. Just not all the time.

[Syntex]

My experiences is I want someone with a few things in common, interests/beliefs but not everything. Dated a girl for 7 months who was into computers and internet stuff, played WoW and thought it was great at first but it turned out to be a chore as we always did the same thing to have fun and got old fast.

Having things in common does help but not needed but you have to have an open mind if you don't overlap your interests because if you don't want to try new things and she doesn't like things you do then it will be a hard time to stay content with her.

[volcanicweather]

But I'm gonna keep suggesting she find a hobby, maybe even introduce her to something. We talked about it, but she just doesn't feel like doing it.

Trust me, the whole "suggest a hobby" bit doesn't work. I've been down that road so many times I think they've named it after me. She needs to figure out what she wants to do on her own and if her not having a hobby is that big of a deal for you then break it off. To me it sounds like "work" is her hobby (does she work multiple jobs?) and thus she enjoys structured hobbies which art really isn't. It sounds like you have the "dreamer" passion (art) and she has the "practical" passion (work) so maybe she really is passionate about something, it's just not what you would deem a hobby.

So maybe try asking her about work, her co-workers, interesting things that happened if she works with the public, etc. Also as I suggested earlier try to do a fun activity when you both have time and see if you can still have fun together and if she can mentally disconnect from work or not - because if you can't have a good time without a third wheel then it's not going to work long-term.

[Enedin]

Trust me, the whole "suggest a hobby" bit doesn't work. I've been down that road so many times I think they've named it after me. She needs to figure out what she wants to do on her own and if her not having a hobby is that big of a deal for you then break it off. To me it sounds like "work" is her hobby (does she work multiple jobs?) and thus she enjoys structured hobbies which art really isn't. It sounds like you have the "dreamer" passion (art) and she has the "practical" passion (work) so maybe she really is passionate about something, it's just not what you would deem a hobby.

Heh, yeah, I figured it's not the best way to start something new. She does work multiple jobs, and she is passionate about them. Very interesting point you make. I don't see that as hobbies, she does. She works as a bartender in 2 bars, which doesn't strike me as exciting or creative, which is why I never thought about it that way.

To make a long story short - if I don't want to do something alone with her, if I'm bored when I'm with her, it's time to end it, right?

[volcanicweather]

To make a long story short - if I don't want to do something alone with her, if I'm bored when I'm with her, it's time to end it, right?

I'd say yes, if you're not interested in spending time with her then put yourself in a position to find a woman you are interested in spending time with.

[Tyrath]

I think I'm like you. All the friends I have, I try to have something in common with them. My best friends are the one I can share a lot with, and I just can't share much with my current g/f, nor can she share a whole lot with me. She tries and I tried, but I'm tired of trying.

To make a long story short - if I don't want to do something alone with her, if I'm bored when I'm with her, it's time to end it, right?

Gtfo unless the sex is really good.

[Enedin]

I'd say yes, if you're not interested in spending time with her then put yourself in a position to find a woman you are interested in spending time with.

I think that this is what I will do. Your posts have all been very helpful, also Mizango's posts. And thanks to everyone else's advice as well, really appreciate the input I get on these forums.

[Mizango]

Heh, yeah, I figured it's not the best way to start something new. She does work multiple jobs, and she is passionate about them. Very interesting point you make. I don't see that as hobbies, she does. She works as a bartender in 2 bars, which doesn't strike me as exciting or creative, which is why I never thought about it that way.

To make a long story short - if I don't want to do something alone with her, if I'm bored when I'm with her, it's time to end it, right?

Basically, yes. I can see your reasoning behind it though. I mean kudos for you for being open minded enough to take stock of where your relationship is and do something about it. Too many guys simply settle and would rather be in a miserable, aint shit relationship than to be alone or to explore other options. I can respect the hell out of that.

Dont feel bad for anything because I am weird like you too. I dont do the clingy attached thing and would be just as happy now as I would be on an island. While I like people, and love listening and learning from folks from the various walks of life I meet I am not dependent on having a circle around me or need human contact to feed my ego or needs. What youre doing is difficult, but necessary and its refreshing to see someone not settling. I know neither of you personally, but I hope everything works out for you and for her.