Relationship: things in common: important or not?

[Enedin]

Basically, yes. I can see your reasoning behind it though. I mean kudos for you for being open minded enough to take stock of where your relationship is and do something about it. Too many guys simply settle and would rather be in a miserable, aint shit relationship than to be alone or to explore other options. I can respect the hell out of that.

Dont feel bad for anything because I am weird like you too. I dont do the clingy attached thing and would be just as happy now as I would be on an island. While I like people, and love listening and learning from folks from the various walks of life I meet I am not dependent on having a circle around me or need human contact to feed my ego or needs. What youre doing is difficult, but necessary and its refreshing to see someone not settling. I know neither of you personally, but I hope everything works out for you and for her.

I am glad to see you're expressing your respect for my actions. I'm grateful for such words, because almost all of my friends (bar half a friend, perhaps) are in the "oh well, better a shitty relationship than none, because I can't be alone"-mindset, and it drives me nuts. It's hard defending your view when all you hear is something that is discouraging you.

Your whole post is really inspiring.

[Dimmauk]

I'd say yes, if you're not interested in spending time with her then put yourself in a position to find a woman you are interested in spending time with.

This, It seems like you dont like spending time with her. Dont feel guilty if its true. If spending time with her is a chore, then why fake it? Unless she is ungodly hot, she's out of your league, and does ass to mouth.

[Trichocyst]

My last two relationships have both been about the same length now. My previous one was with a girl who, at first, tried really hard to be interested in things that I liked. It was the easiest relationship I was even in to a fault. She made things very easy and always wanted my attention which was fine at first, but eventually as she got more mature (going from 17 to 21) we both realized how little we had in common in a ton of different ways. Values, beliefs, expectations on life and of ourselves, backgrounds, and little stuff like music, movies, etc. By the end of the relationship we could be friends, but we weren't really great friends. We were just so different.

My current relationship has been a total chore at times, but has never been more fulfilling. The girl I'm with is on the same level I am emotionally and we have practically everything in common in our values, beliefs, etc. We also have countless little things in common, but that doesn't mean we don't also do our own thing and have some independence from each other. We've known each other a decade and still get really excited by all the same things and doing things together. We never have any issues talking with each other and relating. She's really easy to love, and matches me in almost every way, but not always easy to live with.

At the end of the day I'm happier in a relationship with somebody compatible with me (which includes having lots in common) with a girl who's more independent and difficult than I was in a very easy relationship to maintain with someone who wasn't. Relationships can be worked on, but if you don't have the right chemistry with someone, then you probably never will.

[Sirenia]

I think common interests to an extent are good because it gives you both something to talk about, but yes if you have nothing at all in common it might be deal breaker or you are failing to see what you have in common.

For example my husband and I are both interested in science. I am studying to become a nurse and he's studying to become a physicist. He doesn't really care to hear about things I consider "cool" because he considers them "gross". But we also have other interests like gaming and he also have the same morals/belief system. If you have everything in common then how can you learn things from each other?

[LinktheDeme]

Does this remind anyone else of Train Man?

edit: pics + small description included

Spoiler: show

Novel
http://www.banpei.net/files/trainman_novel.jpg

Manga Adaptation
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/c...0345496195.jpg
Both were based on the same true story from Japanese Forum 2chan I believe, but I know the book skewed some facts just to make it work better as a book (I haven't read manga).There is a website too that has all the posts and responses from people on 2chan as well.

[Drex]

I don't think having things in common really matters at all, one way or the other. You'll probably need a couple of common interests just to have something to start the relationship with, but it's going to come down to whether you like doing things together or not. My gf and I have some very different interests, but things I hate alone are a lot more fun when I do them with her. Likewise, she does things with me she would never enjoy on her own and has fun doing them. We have pretty similar personalities (which I do consider important for long-term relationships), but different interests and we do great.

I also think it's important for you to "supplement" one another (for lack of better word for it), which requires differences between the two of you. It's great if she can do things you can't (or loves doing things that you don't; I'd kill for a girl who loves filling out taxes!) and vice-versa, and helps stabilize the relationship even more.

[tyven]

Ive been with my wife for 16 years total, and 11 years married. She hates video games, could care less about most sports, and is pro choice, anti gun and anti abortion. My pro death, play video games, and watch sports, and I hate shopping. There has to be sacrifices, so she watches sports, i go shopping, she doesnt complain about my gaming as long as i help around the house, like making dinner or other stuff. We love each other and are best friends. We make each other laugh, and have great sex. You dont have to exactly similar, if so you would just be with yourself.

this is the shit right here. this is what i want when i grow up. there is just something i love about having to compromise with a girl, it can be so fucking fun

[Tyche]

I think no common interests are good in the short term, bad in the long term

[Tonko]

My partner and I have very little in common, we're going on 10 years.
I have terrible business sense, am an avid gamer, very physically fit, love the outdoors.
He's a very savvy businessman, hates games than take longer than 15 minutes, way out of shape, brings AC units when he finally goes camping with me.

[Maguspk]

Similarities in beliefs and issues are more important than whether or not you both enjoy trading Pokemon cards or going on long walks on the beach. Holy shit.

[Mizango]

brings AC units when he finally goes camping with me.

My kinda guy. I absolutely loathe being hot, which is why I hate being in Texas. Its already beasting in the high 80s and 90s right now with 100% humidity. I hate life right now.

[Timwakefield]

My girlfriend likes shitty movies, shitty TV shows, and shitty country music. We compromise. We take turns picking what movies we watch. I'll compromise and watch American Idol and Grey's Anatomy and she'll watch whatever sport or whatever with me. And it's never bothered me one bit.

We're also both college dropouts who took much longer than the "normal" to figure out their future, albeit she's two years younger. I feel like I can legitimately help her with whatever she's doing. In that regard, she reminds me of myself to a T. I was in that exact same position at one point.

I like that we're similar and different at the same time. It would be fucking boring if we were the same person, and annoying if we didn't have anything similar to build on.

[Enedin]

This topic seems to be something that brings up personal preferences, rather than truths. It's how you like it, I guess.

My last two relationships have both been about the same length now. My previous one was with a girl who, at first, tried really hard to be interested in things that I liked. It was the easiest relationship I was even in to a fault. She made things very easy and always wanted my attention which was fine at first, but eventually as she got more mature (going from 17 to 21) we both realized how little we had in common in a ton of different ways. Values, beliefs, expectations on life and of ourselves, backgrounds, and little stuff like music, movies, etc. By the end of the relationship we could be friends, but we weren't really great friends. We were just so different.

My current relationship has been a total chore at times, but has never been more fulfilling. The girl I'm with is on the same level I am emotionally and we have practically everything in common in our values, beliefs, etc. We also have countless little things in common, but that doesn't mean we don't also do our own thing and have some independence from each other. We've known each other a decade and still get really excited by all the same things and doing things together. We never have any issues talking with each other and relating. She's really easy to love, and matches me in almost every way, but not always easy to live with.

At the end of the day I'm happier in a relationship with somebody compatible with me (which includes having lots in common) with a girl who's more independent and difficult than I was in a very easy relationship to maintain with someone who wasn't. Relationships can be worked on, but if you don't have the right chemistry with someone, then you probably never will.

This is a post I can find myself in, in pretty much anything I do. Be it friends or loves. I think the same thing happened to us, she makes things very easy for me, but she's hurting herself more. I'm sure she can find someone she's more compatible with than me, and I'm sure I can as well.

Similarities in beliefs and issues are more important than whether or not you both enjoy trading Pokemon cards or going on long walks on the beach. Holy shit.

Heh, things in common is pretty general, but I have to admit I wasn't even thinking of beliefs and values when I started this thread, until I realized, after a few posts, that on a deeper level this goes even further, like you said.

But it struck me that I don't really enjoy doing things with her because it can't go any deeper, because we'll disagree on something, which kills the buzz. And that's what makes it tiring, rather than boring.

Sometimes disagreeing is fun, it creates fun tension, and can result in a tickling/fighting kind of thing, but I choose my friends based on commonalities, rather than differences. As of late, I have some friends from university who are becoming more and more interesting, because I'm seeing more often things in common than I used to, at first.

With my girlfriend, I just don't see much commonalities, nor do I see many opportunities in either of us for any of them to arise, which is what has gotten me thinking, and posting this thread. I seem to like agreeing on something with people more than others? No idea, but it's how I pick friends. And for the past 20 years, it's how I lived my life, and enjoyed it thoroughly.

And I want my girlfriend/wife to be my friend.

[Drex]

My girlfriend likes shitty movies, shitty TV shows, and shitty country music. We compromise. We take turns picking what movies we watch. I'll compromise and watch American Idol and Grey's Anatomy and she'll watch whatever sport or whatever with me. And it's never bothered me one bit.

We're also both college dropouts who took much longer than the "normal" to figure out their future, albeit she's two years younger. I feel like I can legitimately help her with whatever she's doing. In that regard, she reminds me of myself to a T. I was in that exact same position at one point.

I like that we're similar and different at the same time. It would be fucking boring if we were the same person, and annoying if we didn't have anything similar to build on.

http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m.../wakefield.jpg

[Zoolander]

I dunno why people say "its boring if you have too many similarities." That logic is retarded and reality does not work like that. I'm all for differences and accepting people for who they are, but having someone who is very similar to you is not boring...unless you're a boring person I guess.

And there are good differences and bad differences, just have to recognize which is which.

[Enedin]

I dunno why people say "its boring if you have too many similarities." That logic is retarded and reality does not work like that. I'm all for differences and accepting people for who they are, but having someone who is very similar to you is not boring...unless you're a boring person I guess.

And there are good differences and bad differences, just have to recognize which is which.

Amen.

[Colenzo]

its possible to have shitloads in common with a person but that person can have a total different moral compass, thats where shit gets interesting and usually stays interesting

[Kohan]

My partner and I have very little in common, we're going on 10 years.
I have terrible business sense, am an avid gamer, very physically fit, love the outdoors.
He's a very savvy businessman, hates games than take longer than 15 minutes, way out of shape, brings AC units when he finally goes camping with me.

Recently, one of my roommates told me about a study involving homosexual and heterosexual couples, and how they get along. He happens to be mostly gay (he insists he enjoys women, but I doubt he would ever enter a relationship with another one, and he never identifies as bisexual), hence the interest.

Evidently, the lack of clear gender roles -- and how society shapes our perception of them -- means that homosexuals may flourish in relationships where they and their partners have separate interests, even if it means they are often arguing with one another as a result. Meanwhile, heterosexual couples, who may find disagreeing with their significant others more unpleasant (and perhaps even "out of line," according to the aforementioned gender roles), are much more sensitive to it.

In a nutshell, your stating that you and your partner love one another greatly while having great differences is, in a way, an affirmation that similarities are important for heterosexual relationships.

I would link the article, but I do not have it. Hopefully, someone will either find it online or I'll link it later, if I remember.

[Colenzo]

Kohan, I want to engage in a full on homo relationship with you.

[chikalin]

I dunno why people say "its boring if you have too many similarities." That logic is retarded and reality does not work like that. I'm all for differences and accepting people for who they are, but having someone who is very similar to you is not boring...unless you're a boring person I guess.

And there are good differences and bad differences, just have to recognize which is which.

i'm also with you on this one. i've had two serious relationships. i don't think i could date a guy that didn't like video games or anime because that's what i spend most of my free time doing. we have two tvs set up in the living room so we can play separate games, and that's what works for us. i also love cooking, so dating a guy that isn't obsessive about his weight is nice, too.

one thing about dating based on looks or lust is that looks are transient. if you only want a relationship for like, 5 years, it won't be an issue, but if you're planning on being together for the next 30+ years you're going to want something that you like about them other than their looks. but 'something you like about them' need not be something in common - just something that makes you enjoy their company.

also, more than similar interests, i agree with what a lot of people have been saying - i think it's better to have more fundamental things in common if you want it to work long term. stuff like how you feel children should be raised or how money should be saved or spent. things that make a marriage go smoothly.