Parental Relationships

[Aristio]

My mother was always a hypocritical biblethumper that hates to be corrected or confronted, and can never admit she is wrong. I see her maybe twice a month, and it's nothing past grabbing something for her while I'm out. She's always looked down on me for gaming and never accepted that I am a person, not her child. My step-dad hasn't had a job in 12 years, but we get along decently. (Dad died when I was 5). I cut ties with her a long time ago, locking myself out from her in a lot of ways. Hell, I don't even know her birthday. I don't regret not talking with her or anything, as I learned a long time ago she makes me feel shitty.

[Psion]

I know how you feel Ponyo, considering I've been through a lot of the same shit you have, minus the drinking problem. My nose is like a bloodhound, so I can't even get within 10 feet of alcohol (20 for cigs :D ) without feeling ill, much less drink the stuff.

I was also a not so boyish boy when I was little, though to be fair, my parents were paranoid as shit and sheltered me like crazy, and I was shy as well. Needless to say, I didn't get much social interactions, didn't know what was "socially acceptable" for my age, etc etc. My favorite things were cats, gardening, and science lol. I was a heavily religious kid as well since I grew up with christian parents. Then I hit puberty and found out I had teh gayz, and live went to shit. Suddenly I was one of the "sinners" and nothing I did, praying, fasting, meditating, would get rid of it and I hated myself every time I had an "impure" thought. My parents eventually found out and life went to even more hell, they took me to have my demon exorcised, despite my fervent wish to be purged nothing happened, and life was still shit. I pretended I was cured, even had a girlfriend, though we never did anything, and I have a feeling she knew I was gay and was trying to protect me. She was a true friend and I'm glad I met her, but looking back I wish I had been brave enough to be honest with myself and her. Of course, there's little point in wishing that, since I wouldn't have been ready to stand up for myself back then anyways.

At any rate, eventually I found friends that I was real close to at school, and accepted my general weirdness without caring one bit. Eventually though, I found out they were all wiccans, and me being the good little sinning christian I was, tried to chastise them for practicing black magic and consorting with devils, etc. Them being the incredibly good friends they were, they took them in good stride and laughed them off while still being friends, and that, combined with the fact that despite them being "witches", they were always kind to everyone they met and helped everyone out, made me start to pay attention to what they really were, and I even started to listen about how they followed the "do what thou wilst, but harm ye none, lest it come back to ye threefold" rule and so on. They even mentioned how one could be a practitioner of wicca yet believe in other religions as well, which confused the hell out of me. Eventually all these blows to my comfortable conceptions about life led me to look into what it was to be gay more, and I realized that there wasn't anything wrong with me according to science; I was just born differently and that was that, and all the wishing in the world wouldn't change me any more than I could change the color of my eyes. It was really terrifying to accept myself for who I was, since that meant literally shattering everything I believed in and rebuilding from scratch, but I did it, and after a terrifying first week or two and no disaster, I realized I was happier than I'd ever been and just how depressed and almost suicidal I was before.

I started to dread going to church, living out a lie, and starting to skip it. Eventually my parents found out, and confrontation occurred. This time I realized just how precious the ability to love oneself for who you are really was, and stood up for myself, letting my parents know that yes, I was gay, yes I was atheist, and no, they aren't going to change a damn thing about it and to stop telling me how to live my life. I think the blitzkrieg I pulled on them stunned them from retaliating, since they gave up pretty quickly and retreated, and it only took a few days to get them to stop trying to change my mind, and a few months to get them to stop "inviting" me to church on sundays.

Sadly, soon after that I got burned out after almost 3 years working at a baskin-robbins where I was literally the only person who did any work, since the managers kept leaving after a few months and the other kids just ate ice cream and did nothing. Boss was cool as hell, but she couldn't watch two stores at the same time, and she even took me out to dinner as a going away present at outback. Parents found out I quit work and hadn't told them for a week, and FLIPPED THEIR LID. Like, I have no clue why they went berserk, but considering I'd fallen out of their favor with the whole gay demon child thing, they kicked me out of the house with literally no warning. I spent about a year before having to call them to ask for help, they let me come back, but only till I could get a job within 2 months and move back out of the house. Managed to do so and they called me a year later asking me to come back and live with them, they'd help me through college, and all that, which I took them up on.


It's been difficult, though after this long my parents have gotten used to the idea that I'm gay and not going to change. That or they're trying to forget it by not talking about it. But both of them have both flat out told me that they didn't love me and haven't since I was a little boy, which... hurt. A lot. I knew it was true, since I could sense it even back then, but it still hurt to hear. Still, out of duty, they are helping me out, so I'm dealing with it. (I just treat their assistance as recompensation for all the mental abuse they put me through ~_~ )

Since my own parents don't love me though, I figured that I'd just accept the earth beneath my feet as my mother, and the heavens above as my father, and all the people born under sky and above earth be my siblings. At least I don't have to worry about them deciding not to love me anymore, heh. It still bothers me a little bit that I couldn't work it out with my birth parents, but it's not something I can change on my own. In the end, it's their own choice to live in fear, or to take down the walls they've built for themselves to let the light shine in. I don't know if I could ever come to accept them as my parents again even if they asked for forgiveness, but I would be willing to forgive them at the least, and let life take it from there where it would. As it is, I've forgiven their actions, because I know that they did it out of fear and love both, never a good combination for rational decisions.

In the end, we all make mistakes, we all do things we aren't proud of, and we almost always wind up having the opportunity and privilege to look back and regret what we've done later in life. I say privilege, because if you regret the things you've done in the past, that means you've changed enough to realize it was wrong in the first place, and can now have the chance to avoid making the same mistake in the future. I did things I wasn't proud of in my youth. I said things to others that I thought was just at the time, preaching my gods beliefs in my attempts to save those in sin; but now I can see clearly that I was the one in error, and that I was the one causing harm. I may not be proud of those mistakes, but I am eternally grateful that fate forced me to become that which I hated the most, so that I would be given the chance to change my life around. All I can do is wish for the fates to provide an opportunity for my parents to likewise face their fears and learn from their own mistakes, and live my life according to my own beliefs, not because I've been told to, but because I've searched within myself and listened to the small voice that tells you what's right. Not the voice of blind morals, not the voice of panicked emotions, nor the voice of cold logic, but the one that arises when all three speak together as one, when you reflect on all the emotions you feel and why you feel them, the reasons you believe in something and whether they are truly logical reasons or just things that sound good to you, and when you reflect on your beliefs and whether they are truly for the good of everyone or just yourself. If all three voices speak calm and sure, then you know you're on the right track.

I hope you find your answers, Ponyo, and hope I helped at least a little bit in nudging you toward them. Not the least because this took a long time to write out. >:

[Nevex]

I'm surprised to see that none of you guys actually managed to stand against your parents when you were younger. If necessary you have to do that while you're young else your life is going to be miserable.
What's the worst they can do to you? Emotional abuse? Meanwhile you can destroy their car with next to no consequences.
I'm not advocating that you should go that far unless it's for serious reasons, but letting your parents dominate you until your adulthood is one of the biggest mistakes you can possible make.

[Hyan]

My parents are pretty cool.

Anyways, I totally know how you feel.

[guartz]

why are all these gay kids have super religious christian parents?

I mean, there has got to be something happening here, amirite?

[Lucavi]

God loves irony?

[guartz]

I was thinking something along the lines of spending time kneeling with your hands clasped awkwardly in front of your mouth... aka "Praying"

[guartz]

pretty sure I heard a song about this

[Uzor]

Cut your ties with your father.

Sure, he's family, but family bonds only run so deep. If he don't accept your life choices and choose to be an ass about it, that's hiss loss. Not yours. If he choose to ever become accepting of it in the future, you can build on your relationship from there. Until such a point, though, you're better off without him. You don't "owe" him anything, and forcing him to see things your way is a lost cause.

You also came out rather recently, so I'd give it some time. When my boyfriend came out to his parents, they didn't talk to him for over a year as punishment. They also told him on his 18th birthday that he has exactly 1 week to find a new place and move out, because they didn't want to see him again. Fast forward a few years and they now talk to him every other week (he don't live in the states anymore), and they want him to come home for Christmas.

[Hyan]

You also came out rather recently, so I'd give it some time. When my boyfriend came out to his parents, they didn't talk to him for over a year as punishment. They also told him on his 18th birthday that he has exactly 1 week to find a new place and move out, because they didn't want to see him again. Fast forward a few years and they now talk to him every other week (he don't live in the states anymore), and they want him to come home for Christmas.

For a second there I thought this happened in Sweden.

I would have been pretty shocked if it did.

[Uzor]

Naw, my entire family and all of my friends were all very supportive and I've lost no one over it. My boyfriend is from U.S.A though, and grew up in a very Christian home. When they played the "You'll go to Hell!" card he pretty much told them "If Heaven is filled with people like you, I wouldn't want to go there anyway.".

[Cadian]

Well I hope your ok, family... well it's tough, but the best you can do is keep at it, if your dad refuses to accept you, cut your ties to him, it's going to hurt him alot more then it'll hurt you, and hopefully make him see reason. Other then that, DUI isn't good.

[Ponyo]

The thing that drives me absolutely crazy is that my father thinks everything I do relates to me being gay. I got a DUI "living that lifetstyle" or if I didn't pay a bill on time its because I'm gay and spend all my money on boys...trying to tell him I am a person and not JUST gay is a pain. He only sees gay gay gay

[Cruzizzle]

Ponyo-

I know just how you feel. I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, within that religion they have "disfellowshipping" which is shunning to the extreme. Everyone in the religion is constantly told how to deal with disfellowshipped people, even immediate family, which is basically to completely ignore them like they don't even exsist. And I'm not even joking, I could be walking down the aisle in the supermarket and wave hi to someone I used to know and they will walk right by me like I wasn't even there. I was a JW until 22-23 after I had moved out and been living on my own I decided I did not believe anymore. Church attendance dwindled off and eventually I stopped going all together. I was never formally df'd since I left on my own, but from their perspective it was just as bad. Especially after explicitly stating that I was an athiest. From then on practically EVERYONE I ever knew growing up severed all contact with me. Thankfully, my parents had been going through some tough times (my mom's mother died and there was some bad decisions about the blood issue which is another JW thing but I digress) and had been wavering in their faith in the cult as well. So I wasn't completely alone.

Basically I had to just start over and begin a new social life from scratch. Which is tough. But what choice did I have? My Mom and I have become really close friends because of all this though, she was pretty much the only person I could talk to that could relate. And I've even been able to reconnect with some extended family that perviously our family never had contact with because they were not JW's.

My advice to you would be to stick close to the friends you have and get away from your father as soon as possible. The biggest thing to remember is it's HIS problem that keeps your relationship dead, HE is the one that is in the wrong, NOT you. You can be the bigger person and keep an open mind, but it's up to him to accept you. Also, just like you would be angry when they push their belifs on you, you can't turn around and do the same to them and expect them to react differently than you would. SHOW them they are in the wrong by remaining on the morale high ground (that is, anyone who doesn't respect your life choices). Fist fights and name calling is childish bullshit, it's not about being a pussy or standing up to them, it's about being a fucking adult. Try to remain calm even if he his screaming and calling you a faggot, if you get too emotional, just walk away. Feeding someones hate just makes it worse.

[Ponyo]

The DUI wasn't a "I go out all the time and get drunk because I'm sad" kinda deal. It was just a mistake that happened one night. I dont drink too often

[AoE]

My mom spanked me as a child and I turned out pretty good.

Thanks mom!

[Gadritan]

The DUI wasn't a "I go out all the time and get drunk because I'm sad" kinda deal. It was just a mistake that happened one night. I dont drink too often

Denial is the first sign.

[Ponyo]

DUIs dont mean you have an instant drinking problem, it means I had a problem making a bad decision.

[Gadritan]

I was joking there.

In all seriousness though, I just want to reiterate that you don't need to do stupid shit like that. Even if it's a bad decision problem and not a drinking problem, it's fucking stupid. That puts lives at risk. Think to yourself, "could this kill me and/or others?" If the answer is yes, don't do it. Just about anything else is fair game and just a part of growing up.

[Ponyo]

Oh that whole situation really shook me up. I'm veeery careful about it now.