Parental Relationships

[Grey Jorildyn]

The statement alone (outside of any context) appears to mean 1. If you don't what you see, stop looking (stated) or 2. keep an open mind (implied).

Christian theology has far too many "metaphors" in it, and as many interpretations of each one.

[Leva]

"If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell."
In context.

[BaneTheBrawler]

I get along pretty well with my parents. My mom and I sometimes clash, but that's because we're too much alike.

I'm not sure it would help, but I've been doing some bible study lately. The Bible forbids "fornication" which it defines as the misuse of genitalia, which can arguably refer to homosexuality. It may have some passages that condemn homosexuality specifically, too. I dunno for sure, I haven't been doing this long. However, the Bible also says that God loves everyone. So while your parents may have religious grounds to disapprove of your sexual orientation, they have no religious grounds to hate on you for it. If you do try to delve into this aspect of it, I suggest you do some Bible study of your own. It's complicated and contradictory, so using it in an argument unprepared can backfire.

(protip: Masturbation is NOT forbidden, but the Bible encourages us to overcome those urges. Do with that what you will.)

If you think you can salvage your relationship with your father, I think that would be valuable. Other people can become like family, but we only ever get one true family. If he's lost in his anger, it may be better to simply wait it out, keep contact cordial but brief, and try again in a few years, once he's had a chance to see that you're not a disease-ridden drunk out to burn down America. Of course, you have to actually not be any of that, so shut down the DUI crap. Sounds like you're already on that, though.

I believe that if you are a good person and try your best to lead a good life, they will come around eventually.

[NiggaFromHarlem]

However, the Bible also says that God loves everyone. So while your parents may have religious grounds to disapprove of your sexual orientation, they have no religious grounds to hate on you for it.

Though apparently they have religious grounds to kill you for it (Leviticus 20:13):

If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

I would drop the religious angle completely if you want to try to have a rational discussion.

[Jakson]

In all fairness, Leviticus is the go-to place for ridiculous rules found in the Bible. Pros come up with conflicting ideology in the New Testament.

[NiggaFromHarlem]

I don't know. I'd say you can find plenty of ridiculous rules throughout the Old Testament. There's not really a reason to defer to the New Testament just because it conflicts with the Old Testament. Of course this is exactly what people do, though. There are so many different contradicting statements in the bible that you can pretty much justify whatever you want to do.

[Tonko]

always seems to me that people that tend to be homosexual have parents that are strongly against it and it causes a lot of strife in the parent-child relationship. almost seems like it's a rebellious act

lol, implying that bring gay is a choice, cute. As for my parents, very accepting, my partner spends holidays with us, never been any issues. They have been awesome parents all through my life, I feel very fortunate.

[D44kpunk]

pretty sure anyone that's been through high school recently would agree that a lot of the self-acclaimed "gays" are doing it to spite their parents. arguing that your sexuality isn't a product of your environment is a pretty one sided argument

[Furionstormrage]

@Wahiguard: My wife is pregnant, and the topic of "what if the kid is gay" has come up. Honestly, all I want is for him or her to be healthy and happy. Sexuality is only one aspect of life, one of many, and I don't feel that it defines someone nor condemns them. I have no problems with having a gay child.

On the topic of "most gay people are from religious homes", I'm not inclined to agree, from my (albeit it limited) experience. One of my best friends is gay, and his mother is completely supportive of him (his father passed long ago), and another close friend has a gay son who she is also fully supportive of. Neither of those homes are religious though, so that could certainly be an argument there, since one of my gay friends uncles is very religious and hasn't had much contact with him since he came out. I feel bad for the close-minded, they're missing out on some possibly great relationships because of a hang up on something that doesn't personally involve them at all.

To the OP: Everyone makes mistakes, such as your DUI, but don't let it define you like some here seem to be inclined to do. I don't know if a relationship with your father is worth it, that's got to be your decision, but if your mother is accepting I would try to maintain some relationship with her and see where it goes.

Edit: To answer the OPs question: I don't have much contact with my parents. My mother and I are getting closer but it's a step at a time. My father is estranged from most of the family and while I try to talk to him on a regular basis, it's hard because we never had much of a relationship before he and my mother separated. I feel bad about it sometimes because I want my kid to have grandparents, and I want my parents to be happy (and I feel like having a relationship with their son could help with that), but at the same time I feel like my energy might be better spent spending time with those who always supported me (emotionally, I've been financially independent since I was 16). It's a constant conflict for me, one that I push back and feel that I shouldn't, so you're not alone out here.

[Gredival]

So my questions come down to this, all of you who have minimal contact with your parents or family, does it ever bother you? Is it something that you have learned to cope with, or is it always kinda in the back of your mind? How do you think it affected your relationship with your children? Any other thoughts that you have to add?

For me personally, I feel that an important part of love is free choice. It's the whole "Magic can never make someone else truly love you" bit because if it's compelled then it's not real.

I have always had major philosophical issues with familial love as a result because it isn't a relationship born of free will. We are born to our parents and neither of us can do anything about it. Now certainly there are bad parents that prove that one can choose to not love their child, but I still have issues with how family works compared to every other personal relationship we form in our lives.

For some people that's what makes family important. For me, it just makes it arbitrary. I think those who stay by you of their own choice mean a lot more than those whose reason for staying by you is "Well you're my son/daughter/brother/sister and that's what family does." I don't feel any endearment that you are beholden to a relationship that is entirely an arbitrary twist of fate.

[Qeomash]

I'm lucky my parents have had absolutely no qualms with me being gay. My dad was a little hesitant and hasn't mentioned it since I came out, but I'll take what I can get.

One friend I met in college, however, had already been completely cut off by his parents because he was gay. He hadn't seen them since his Freshmen year. He spent his holidays living on campus and volunteering at the soup kitchens. At least one Thanksgiving he went home with some other friends because they offered. Even when he didn't go with someone, he was always surrounded by friends, even when he stayed and worked the soup kitchens. While I'm sure he wasn't always as happy as his outward personality (happy, but not flamboyant) let on, he made it on just fine. Last I heard from him he was in Chicago with a PR firm. Moral of the story, getting along with your blood relations is honestly just luck. If that doesn't work out, find a new family in your friends.

[Hyan]

How many gays does BG have? seriously. I went to check out the BG chat thing the other day and folks were talking about cocks -_-. I'm starting to feel like I belong to the minority here.

[Raytheon]

Dude this is a pretty easy one.

You just need to find some common ground with pops. He obv likes sports, so there's your in. Then just explain how your lifestyle compares to baseball, there's a pitcher and a catcher, etc.

Honestly though, I know parents are supposed to have unconditional love, and I know I love my daughters, whom are only 2 and 4, unconditionally, but what did you think was gonna happen when your bible-thumping father found out you were part of the Adam & Steve group? I can't imagine he'd be like, "Well, I've believed in this religious stuff for the last 30 years, but now that I have a gay son, I'm going to admit that I've been wrong this entire time and accept him."

Sorry brother, I don't know your father, but that's a tough pill for anyone to swallow. We could get into a huge religious debate, and I could argue that if your dad wasn't religious, I think he might be more apt to accepting you, but I don't want to derail your topic. If he doesn't want anything to do with you, well, fuc 'em man. Plenty of other people in this world that can give you guidance and support where he comes short.

[oldoldman]

Didn't read thread but based on OP your dad is in the closet! We've all seen American Beauty, can't end well.

[Blarg]

While not directly relatable and I don't know much about UPC Pentacostal, tell your father to read Timothy 5-8. "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel."

[Ayn]

I can relate on you with the not having a close relationship with the father, at least. I was raised by my grandparents (maternal -- conscious decision by my mother, who admittedly at times, has guilt over it). I have the misfortune of having the whole 'parents didn't raise me without the benefit of an awesome story to go with it': They're not fuck ups, drug dealers, and are quite successful in their respective fields, they just weren't capable of raising another human being at the time (and arguably ever). To your question: "Does it bother you that you don't have a close relationship with your parent(s)", well, not especially.

Of course, I have the fortune of a grandfather that pretty much filled the father role for me, so I don't really have any attachment to my own. I imagine that for some people in a similar situation here, they've (hopefully) had other strong male figures in their life that, while not completely replacing 'dad', do a good enough job.

[EternityEnd]

How many gays does BG have? seriously. I went to check out the BG chat thing the other day and folks were talking about cocks -_-. I'm starting to feel like I belong to the minority here.

It's funny because two out of the three people talking about cocks in chat that day were straight.

[-Zer0-]

I've only read the first post, so I'm a little late on some subjects and skimmed the rest, but in all seriousness, I highly recommend listening in on Dan Savage's podcasts here. My girlfriend introduced it to me a while ago and I've been hooked ever since. He's a sex and relationships advice columnist and is really fascinating to listen to. He deals with all sorts of problems ranging from laws and rights to more personal problems like how to deal with parents or psycho bitches. It never gets boring.

Pick a random episode, listen to a few to get a feel for it, and then start back from 1. Thank me later. Enjoy.

[Yuri-G]

pretty sure anyone that's been through high school recently would agree that a lot of the self-acclaimed "gays" are doing it to spite their parents. arguing that your sexuality isn't a product of your environment is a pretty one sided argument

I want to respond to this calmly and rationally but there is so much fucking headdesk and facepalm here I just don't know that I can do it...

...no, I don't think I can. I'm sorry, but I have to do this:

- basing your opinions on what happens in high school seems rather short-sighted
- implying that gay people are "self-acclaimed" seems rather short-sighted
- implying that more than a very small percentage of human beings will claim a certain sexuality to spite their parents is extremely short-sighted
- implying that sexuality is solely a product of enviroment would be shortsighted, if that was your intent?
- even if your intent was to say that environment is only one of several factors that determine sexuality, bringing up the subject of environmentally-determined sexuality without clarifying your viewpoint and explaining the relevance of that viewpoint to the discussion at hand could probably be considered short-sighted
- trying to connect the perfectly normal phenomena of teenage sexual confusion and teenage rebellion to homosexuality at large is really fucking short-sighted
- in addition, implying that the way homosexuality is decided should have any relevance on how we view homosexuals is... wait for it... short-sighted

basically, your thought process fairly myopic here, is what I'm saying