The Ultimate Water Bottle Thread

[Dotsudoku]

So a guy interfering with someone else's relationship and not recognizing reasonable boundaries isn't at least partially at fault because "he's just being a dude"?

*Edited since I'm sure someone will think I meant he's entirely the fault

There's a difference between saying that he shares the blame in this case(which he does), and saying he's the problem(he isn't).

[kuronosan]

So a guy interfering with someone else's relationship and not recognizing reasonable boundaries isn't at least partially at fault because "he's just being a dude"?

*Edited since I'm sure someone will think I meant he's entirely the fault

My problem is he has a girlfriend and kids he clearly doesn't respect as he wants wildly to do my future wife. She thinks he's kidding. I know he's not. I want to tell her "look, this ends now or we end" but then I feel like I'm being a real asshole.

This kind of sucks. It feels like the test of our four-year relationship and I really don't want it to end but I refuse to spend the rest of my life wondering if other guys want to fuck/are fucking her and she's not straight up saying "get fucking lost".

As an addition, she said she does it because it helps her appreciate me and what she has.

You can imagine what my response was to that. I believed we were past it until I saw her on facebook more often than usual. I know I'm not perfect, but I do try my best to be a good man. I know if I were him the last thing I would tolerate is some other guy messaging my spouse and being like 'yea I want you over here now lol jk lemme see that booty lol jk'.

[Callisto]

I wouldn't ultimatum it like that, but I would at least say that the way things are you're not comfortable going through with the marriage currently. I've had friends who have called off an engagement over similar issues, taken some time to mature/work things out, gotten re-engaged and gone on to live happily married lives.

[Tyche]

She knows hes not kidding, your fiancée isn't as dumb as your crediting her. Seriously, cut her off completely.

[Aylee]

short:
Ditch the bitch


Long:
To me there is a very fine line between harmless flirting/fun/jokes and flat out well cheating i guess. Regardless how they use to interact that was then and this is now.Times have changed and you two are engaged now (i assume). The first time he said anything like what you said she should have flat out told him its unacceptable and to either cut the bs or they wont be friends. The fact that she kinda nags it on and and never ask him to stop kinda makes me think shes no good. The second time (3 months later part) sounds more acceptable to me "you wish" doesn't nag it on or really comment on it. Although I still think she should stand up and say not going there again. I don't think you should say anything to the other guy or even tell her she doesn't need to talk to him any more. She should have enough seance to realize hey its either stop conversations with random dude or lose my relationship which do i want. She should have made that decision the first time without you having to tell her it was one or the other. The fact is that she still wants to talk to him and doesnt mind him talking to her like that, which means she enjoys it. Shes no good. ditch the bitch

Edit: I agree with Callisto the dude isant the problem. The girl is the one that is allowing it to go on. And dont tell her what to do (ie: stop talking to him or im leaving) it does make you seem like a dick.

[Tyche]

And I would pull the ultimatum. She needs to grow up if she's going to start playing wifey.

[Dotsudoku]

My problem is he has a girlfriend and kids he clearly doesn't respect as he wants wildly to do my future wife. She thinks he's kidding. I know he's not. I want to tell her "look, this ends now or we end" but then I feel like I'm being a real asshole.

This kind of sucks.

As much as I feel you'd be infinitely better off dealing with the immediate heartbreak of ending your relationship right now, if you're going for the alternative, you cannot pussyfoot around. If you do not make it clear that she cannot do anything like this again, there's no reason to believe that one time in the future she won't go and do more than just play along. She wants attention from other men, and she's probably going to end up having a judgement call issue at some point or another and fucking one of them.

[kuronosan]

She knows hes not kidding, your fiancée isn't as dumb as your crediting her. Seriously, cut her off completely.

How so? And I know she has that idea. I know she's not stupid. The issue is that she thinks I'm stupid, which I'm not (unless I have internet autism zing). I'm wise to the situation but every time she asks me what's wrong I can't bring myself to tell her I'm about to fucking snap.

[Callisto]

Yeah, one night of drinks is pretty much the difference between joking about fucking and fucking, lol.

[Ksandra]

Sadly, this:

This woman is not fit for marriage, at least for the time being. Nothing you do or say will change that.

I would say put off the marriage until you two get this straightened out. My best friend in HS married my roommate from college, and they ended up getting a divorce over something similar. She worked for BoA and had to supervise their call center in India for a short period. She met this guy there, and when she was back in the states, she messaged with him all the time. guy-friend asked her to stop and she refused. They had some other issues going on, but this put a severe strain on the relationship and was the big catalyst to them splitting. Now, I have no idea if she did anything with the guy in India (she's kinda a prude otherwise so I'd guess no, but who the fuck knows) but when she was back she was obviously not cheating, but it made her husband feel really uncomfortable. It was obvious the Indian guy wanted her (or more likely wanted to marry her to move to the US). It really isn't worth it.

Not like the expert wife here or anything, but to me "trust" in a relationship =/= "I can do w/e the fuck I want and you just gotta suck it up and deal". It's about having a certain enough level where both of you can feel comfortable. And when an uncomfortable situation arises now and then sometimes it's better to sacrifice even if it means you can't do w/e you want. If your fiance won't sacrifice, this means you will always have that uncomfortable feeling. And she's the one putting you there.

Obviously, this doesn't include extreme situations, ie if you were a fuckwit and wouldn't let her talk to ANYONE or something. But if this is like the ONE thing bothering you, and she can't handle that, then you're going to have some serious marital issues down the line if you let her continue this way.

Basically, get it sorted out before you waste your money getting married. If it can't get sorted, it fucking sucks, but it means you have to move on.

[Callisto]

I'm wise to the situation but every time she asks me what's wrong I can't bring myself to tell her I'm about to fucking snap.

This part is entirely your fault then, man the fuck up and talk about it, otherwise you're going to flip the fuck out about it later and you'll end up looking in the wrong over it.

[kuronosan]

Obviously, this doesn't include extreme situations, ie if you were a fuckwit and wouldn't let her talk to ANYONE or something. But if this is like the ONE thing bothering you, and she can't handle that, then you're going to have some serious marital issues down the line if you let her continue this way.

There are little things that bother me about her, but they're little things I have no issue dealing with and getting over. This pretty much is that one thing. I don't care if she talks to guys. I know she's hot and guys hit on her (right in front of me too) and she'll tell them she's married already or introduces me as her fiance.

It's this guy in particular she doesn't tell to back the fuck up because it's harmless fun. It's not harmless to me, and I'm hitting a boiling point.

[Intrinsic]

Is this a troll? If not, get your lawyer ready, this marriage doesn't last a year.

[Cream Soda]

It doesn't matter what she's doing. You don't trust her. You should get rid of her based on that alone.

If you need to "stumble" on her facebook, get rid of her, period. It's not gonna work

[Callisto]

The relationship aside, having been there and knowing how you feel, the earlier you just deal with it the earlier you can stop putting yourself through that. I felt physically ill about that type of shit on a daily basis, couldn't focus on work, couldn't eat properly, and so on, plus when I finally unloaded I about tore our goddamn apartment to pieces, cops were called, the whole nine yards. Just put your foot down and speak your mind or you'll continue to feel like shit.

Even if it doesn't work out, I was pretty broken up about the whole thing for a good while, but now I have a girlfriend who treats me infinitely better(not as good looking unfortunately, but you can't win 'em all I guess) and I remember all these shitty little things she did to me that I somehow missed and I'm legitimately thankful I did not go through with the proposal.

[kuronosan]

It doesn't matter what she's doing. You don't trust her. You should get rid of her based on that alone.

If you need to "stumble" on her facebook, get rid of her, period. It's not gonna work

I can't say I don't trust her. I don't trust the situation, and I certainly don't trust some guy. There's something different about it that makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

[Tyche]

As I said, I was in this situation. It was about this time last year. Started out as harmless fun in class, escalated in us going to the movies, me moving out, and being on the brink of divorce. To get over this mess, I deleted the girl from my phone, FB, and never talked to her again after I finally realized what I was doing was stupid. As long as he's still around, the flirting will continue. End it or end her.

[kuronosan]

Thanks Tyche. Well, and everyone else.

[Dotsudoku]

I can't say I don't trust her. I don't trust the situation, and I certainly don't trust some guy. There's something different about it that makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

With responses like this, I'm not even sure why you made a thread. We're telling you exactly what's going on, and you're finding ways to tell yourself that this isn't a problem with her. It is a problem with her. Accept that fact and either do something about it or find someone who won't have this problem. Don't waste everyone's time if you're going to play the denial game in your own thread.

[Callisto]

Alternatively, you could also try domestic violence.