Ready for a livejournal post?

[tyven]

fibromyalgia is bullshit and your girlfriend is playing you

haha this was fucking hilarious.

[Eaglestrike]

It's a good start, but you should do it especially if you get a place on your own. Nothing like being one mistake away from having to move back in with your crazy ass mother. That's no way to live. Milk your current situation now if you have to, but start saving NOW. Also, don't be retarded and tell your mother that you are saving money.

I've been saving money since she kicked my gf out of the house. I haven't told my mother I'm saving up yet, but my father knows, so I guess it depends on if he spills. I suppose if possible when I go to move out I can see if my dad can cover the entire down payment and then I'll have money saved up. My dad through today has seen just how psycho she is these days and I think is even more on my side than before. He might be iffy about my gf, not sure, didn't ask him directly, but he seems very open to helping me out, so going to milk my situation here as long as I can and see if I can get assistance from my father once things go down, which would give me savings, and if not, I'll just have to start saving up then.

[Airenn]

The cars in both your names? You can just take it. Well at least in florida. It's your car and her car. If you bail with it there's nothing anyone can do about it. It is /your/ car.

^ Pretty much this, is what I was going to say. Oh, it's in BOTH your names? FIRST ONE TO TAKE WINS. No joke, take it away and you win. Nothing can be done about ownership unless both parties agree (paperwise) that being said if you can get the keys/title (not in your name, just out of her possession) you're golden.

As for everything else, wat tha fuck.

Also, Plow said
>fibromyalgia is bullshit and your girlfriend is playing you

My first thought too. Second was, come on ren don't be such a cunt... it could be true! In which case, I'd just leave her.


What is WITH everyone you know being disabled? (No offense?) But like 5 people in your story are some kind of disabled and I'm like who the fuck is fucking their sisters up in here?

A question to you, because it is very perplexing and interesting to me, but how do you deal with her having that? I mean, really truly feel? Is your relationship equal? Are you seriously ok with paying for her to live?

I... I could not be. I could not pay for someone else to live with me, feed them, help them with medicines... I just couldn't do it.

Possibly my last edit: You said she mostly sits around on the computer all day. Another thing that would bug me, but possibly in a way that resembles jealousy. Also, she's competent. If she can use a computer, imo, she can bring in money. My mother works from home on a computer for Aetna on her own hours. She just has to put 40 in a week.

OK for real last edit: brill said everything I really wanted to in like 3 sentences. Awesome.

[Airenn]

Also, archie was the life of this thread and everything he said was straight up and I concur all his points. Seriously. (I read this thread backwards.)

[miokomioko]

There might be a touch of Oedipus complex going on maybe?

[Eaglestrike]

^ Pretty much this, is what I was going to say. Oh, it's in BOTH your names? FIRST ONE TO TAKE WINS. No joke, take it away and you win. Nothing can be done about ownership unless both parties agree (paperwise) that being said if you can get the keys/title (not in your name, just out of her possession) you're golden.

As for everything else, wat tha fuck.

Also, Plow said
>fibromyalgia is bullshit and your girlfriend is playing you

My first thought too. Second was, come on ren don't be such a cunt... it could be true! In which case, I'd just leave her.


What is WITH everyone you know being disabled? (No offense?) But like 5 people in your story are some kind of disabled and I'm like who the fuck is fucking their sisters up in here?

A question to you, because it is very perplexing and interesting to me, but how do you deal with her having that? I mean, really truly feel? Is your relationship equal? Are you seriously ok with paying for her to live?

I... I could not be. I could not pay for someone else to live with me, feed them, help them with medicines... I just couldn't do it.

Possibly my last edit: You said she mostly sits around on the computer all day. Another thing that would bug me, but possibly in a way that resembles jealousy. Also, she's competent. If she can use a computer, imo, she can bring in money. My mother works from home on a computer for Aetna on her own hours. She just has to put 40 in a week.

OK for real last edit: brill said everything I really wanted to in like 3 sentences. Awesome.

When it comes to cars, the battery in the clicker to lock/unlock the car died in one, so I just took the spare for myself, another strike against her wanting my car! (though yeah the main key opens the doors anyway lol)

She's not playing me.

The only person related to me by blood is my brother, and I guess my mothers psychological issues but that's not genetic, just nurture (her mother is pretty similar, just more holier-than-thou and religious lol). My mother likes control, and who better to control than fucked up self-esteem issue guys?

No, the relationship isn't "equal". I don't look down on her or any such thing, but I am very thankful of how easy to please she is. My big example for relationships (my father) has been watching a woman make him do whatever she wants, no matter what, and that's nearly what it is in his current relationship (though my dad goes behind her back and hooks up with this rich doctor when he's able to, lol). But I didn't want a relationship where I'm basically the bitch, and in this relationship, I have the "power", but I'm not the type to use it, and really, the hell am I going to use a disabled person for? lol

She's not your usual girl, she likes anime and video games, and spends most of her time doing that, both free, she likes silly kongregate games and spends time on Gaia. When I moved her in she did bug me to go shopping for some clothes. We went to 3 stores, she spent $40...total. And she was satisfied and hasn't asked to go shopping since. She does clean up after me, cooks on occasion and is working on doing more. She's looking to get disability and knows she's a "leech" currently and doesn't want to bug someone while so, so I don't have shit to put up with at least until she's contributing disability checks. Which is ideal for me, it's a low stress relationship other than what people outside of the relationship try to throw at it.

I've been up since 4am, getting tired, so hopefully this was as coherent a post as I currently think it is. Be back at more fun. Btw, linked her the Aetna website to look into that.

There might be a touch of Oedipus complex going on maybe?

Nah. Sticking with my mother is just the rational decision, ignoring emotional impact. And my mother goes through phases, this is just a lengthier phase, assumption being menopause is the culprit.

Part of why my mother hates Amber is because she's the opposite of her and she wants me to want a woman like her, but fuck that, lol.

[miokomioko]

Well, at risk of getting into a psychological debate here, I didn't mean your reasons for sticking around at your mother's home (nor was it intended to be offensive, maybe a light jab, at most) but more so your reason for choosing a woman who's not capable of taking care of herself... as it seems can be used to loosely describe your mother and Amber.

As stated a few times already, I would cut out one or more of the people in your life that need your care-taking. One person, at most, is all someone can really manage without running themselves ragged, financially, physically, and mentally. I'm assuming Amber would get that priority. Mom obviously gets the finger, her guy isn't worth your trouble, and your dad should be able to take care of himself.

[shepardG]

If you learn anything from this thread, let it be this. I cannot stress this enough.
Your girlfriend is choosing to do the things that she does.

FUckin' Aye' Cotton!
this was a side note, the disease might be real, but mother fuckers with out either legs can fucking play basketball, and Brill's wife contributes to our exhistance on the planet, and the special olympics. This was what i wanted to say, when i said the disease sounded bullshit....i think i meant the way your FG deals with the disease is the part that sounds like bullshit.

[shepardG]

Upon reading that post, I think i may have inadvertantly called your wife retarded. I did not mean it like that.

[Airenn]

LOL at above.


To Eagle: Thanks for the response, I was genuinely curious. Of course know one but you knows the relationship - We just see this side and think whaaaa?

I probably should have mentioned that my mother had a lot of tenure with Aetna (previously Prudential) when getting the clearance to work at home. It was right after my brother was born not even a year after my sister and it was just hell for everyone.

Ever since tho, she has only had to go into an office once a year. I have no idea if you can get this right off the bat.

[Greatguardian]

When it comes to cars, the battery in the clicker to lock/unlock the car died in one, so I just took the spare for myself, another strike against her wanting my car! (though yeah the main key opens the doors anyway lol)

She's not playing me.

The only person related to me by blood is my brother, and I guess my mothers psychological issues but that's not genetic, just nurture (her mother is pretty similar, just more holier-than-thou and religious lol). My mother likes control, and who better to control than fucked up self-esteem issue guys?

No, the relationship isn't "equal". I don't look down on her or any such thing, but I am very thankful of how easy to please she is. My big example for relationships (my father) has been watching a woman make him do whatever she wants, no matter what, and that's nearly what it is in his current relationship (though my dad goes behind her back and hooks up with this rich doctor when he's able to, lol). But I didn't want a relationship where I'm basically the bitch, and in this relationship, I have the "power", but I'm not the type to use it, and really, the hell am I going to use a disabled person for? lol

She's not your usual girl, she likes anime and video games, and spends most of her time doing that, both free, she likes silly kongregate games and spends time on Gaia. When I moved her in she did bug me to go shopping for some clothes. We went to 3 stores, she spent $40...total. And she was satisfied and hasn't asked to go shopping since. She does clean up after me, cooks on occasion and is working on doing more. She's looking to get disability and knows she's a "leech" currently and doesn't want to bug someone while so, so I don't have shit to put up with at least until she's contributing disability checks. Which is ideal for me, it's a low stress relationship other than what people outside of the relationship try to throw at it.

I've been up since 4am, getting tired, so hopefully this was as coherent a post as I currently think it is. Be back at more fun. Btw, linked her the Aetna website to look into that.




Nah. Sticking with my mother is just the rational decision, ignoring emotional impact. And my mother goes through phases, this is just a lengthier phase, assumption being menopause is the culprit.

Part of why my mother hates Amber is because she's the opposite of her and she wants me to want a woman like her, but fuck that, lol.

This post pretty much confirms what I had figured, and I'll tell you straight up: I've been in your shoes. It doesn't ever end well. Hell, I was in her shoes once for a little while for different reasons, and it completely destroyed a relationship that I valued a great deal.

I want you to burn this into your brain and keep it there: Relationships are a mutual partnership. You can't just keep giving, because frankly it's not good for either of you. It doesn't matter if you think you're okay with supporting her and giving 200% in the relationship to make up for it. It's not healthy for her to be giving any less than 50%, period.

No, she's not playing you. But she will get damned sick of it - and right now all of that is inexorably linked to you. Even if she pulls herself up by her bootstraps, associating with you at all is going to remind her of how useless and miserable she is right now. There is a mental connection that she has formed between being miserable and being with you, and even if you don't do anything wrong she won't be able to shake that.

She needs to fix herself. And she needs to do it without you. And you and I both know that the scary part about that is, once she's fixed herself and become a functional human being again, she may not be interested in you any more. And yes, that's a very real possibility that you're going to have to deal with. But you know what? The absolute worst thing you can do is let this drag on and try to tighten your grip on her, or increase her dependence on you.

If you want the girl to be interested in you when she's actually, you know, not a total wreck, then make yourself someone worth her interest. Respect yourself. If you can fix your shit and make yourself a standup guy and she's still not interested, it's her loss.

[hey]

FUckin' Aye' Cotton!
this was a side note, the disease might be real, but mother fuckers with out either legs can fucking play basketball, and Brill's wife contributes to our exhistance on the planet, and the special olympics. This was what i wanted to say, when i said the disease sounded bullshit....i think i meant the way your FG deals with the disease is the part that sounds like bullshit.

Why are you comparing leglessness to fibromyalgia? Not having legs does not come with any symptoms that would stop you from doing physical activities.

[Eaglestrike]

This post pretty much confirms what I had figured, and I'll tell you straight up: I've been in your shoes. It doesn't ever end well. Hell, I was in her shoes once for a little while for different reasons, and it completely destroyed a relationship that I valued a great deal.

I want you to burn this into your brain and keep it there: Relationships are a mutual partnership. You can't just keep giving, because frankly it's not good for either of you. It doesn't matter if you think you're okay with supporting her and giving 200% in the relationship to make up for it. It's not healthy for her to be giving any less than 50%, period.

No, she's not playing you. But she will get damned sick of it - and right now all of that is inexorably linked to you. Even if she pulls herself up by her bootstraps, associating with you at all is going to remind her of how useless and miserable she is right now. There is a mental connection that she has formed between being miserable and being with you, and even if you don't do anything wrong she won't be able to shake that.

She needs to fix herself. And she needs to do it without you. And you and I both know that the scary part about that is, once she's fixed herself and become a functional human being again, she may not be interested in you any more. And yes, that's a very real possibility that you're going to have to deal with. But you know what? The absolute worst thing you can do is let this drag on and try to tighten your grip on her, or increase her dependence on you.

If you want the girl to be interested in you when she's actually, you know, not a total wreck, then make yourself someone worth her interest. Respect yourself. If you can fix your shit and make yourself a standup guy and she's still not interested, it's her loss.

The main difference between what you're saying and our relationship is mostly that she associates her "miserable/depressing" times with her parents house, and I'm more of what she associates with recovery. I've been big on trying to help her help herself more so than just take care of everything. Of course your original point can still be applicable, because she can reach a point where she doesn't need "recovery" anymore, but she doesn't associate me with her depressed/miserable times, I am getting her away from that and helping the recovery process.

I don't do EVERYTHING for her, she still gets things for herself often and I do sometimes ignore her when she probably does need my help, but in my mind, she needs to be able to do this shit herself, so I let her be, it's a dangerous road for me to take, but I am aware of some of the issues you're speaking about and I think not waiting on her hand and foot is my best bet for making it through the transition for her.

As well, she does give back to me a lot emotionally, as anyone can understand, I do have some emotional issues because of my wonderful family, and how sane she is really keeps me together, so she has some very important uses for me.

@Airenn - yeah, I kinda figured, it'll be hard finding a good job that works around her schedule, hell, it'll be hard finding any job that works around her current schedule at all, that's why I've told her to focus on recovery. As well, she's thinking of moving up her next appointment with her rheumatologist and I've told her she should push for a change in medication to deal with her brain fog / dizziness, this could open up the ability for her to push through pain and work. The main problem with working for her is the brain fog, because she just becomes unable to process information and you can't push through that, but you can push through pain.

[Jb1210a]

This post pretty much confirms what I had figured, and I'll tell you straight up: I've been in your shoes. It doesn't ever end well. Hell, I was in her shoes once for a little while for different reasons, and it completely destroyed a relationship that I valued a great deal.

I want you to burn this into your brain and keep it there: Relationships are a mutual partnership. You can't just keep giving, because frankly it's not good for either of you. It doesn't matter if you think you're okay with supporting her and giving 200% in the relationship to make up for it. It's not healthy for her to be giving any less than 50%, period.

No, she's not playing you. But she will get damned sick of it - and right now all of that is inexorably linked to you. Even if she pulls herself up by her bootstraps, associating with you at all is going to remind her of how useless and miserable she is right now. There is a mental connection that she has formed between being miserable and being with you, and even if you don't do anything wrong she won't be able to shake that.

She needs to fix herself. And she needs to do it without you. And you and I both know that the scary part about that is, once she's fixed herself and become a functional human being again, she may not be interested in you any more. And yes, that's a very real possibility that you're going to have to deal with. But you know what? The absolute worst thing you can do is let this drag on and try to tighten your grip on her, or increase her dependence on you.

If you want the girl to be interested in you when she's actually, you know, not a total wreck, then make yourself someone worth her interest. Respect yourself. If you can fix your shit and make yourself a standup guy and she's still not interested, it's her loss.

I just wanted to say that some of the best advice in this thread has come from Archi and GG here. One thing I will say though, that I have seen people do the exact thing that GG is describing, she may resent you once she has that profound moment, the moment where she realizes that she doesn't want to waste her life away anymore, but it's also possible that she will cherish what you did for her a lot more. There are a lot of ungrateful people in the world, chances are that they will look at what they had and not want to continue down that path as the memories associated with that person will remind them of what they don't want (like GG said) however, it is possible that you are her knight in shining armor and what you are doing is saving her more than enabling her. I'm not saying this to get your hopes up about it, I'm just saying that you shouldn't dismiss the possibility either.

You're a smart guy and willing to listen to solutions to these problems and for that, you definitely have a head start. I think that after all the advice has been given and you're ready to start your plan for getting out of there, that you should start small. Nothing will kill your motivation or direction more handily than shooting for the biggest goal and falling flat on your face. There's nothing more demoralizing to a plan of action than falling hard and fast at the biggest most important task. Make your goals small and manageable and make them add up to that big goal.

[Ollieyk]

Can't your GF claim some sort of revenue from the government? In the UK we have a pretty solid incapacity benefit for people that are unable to work because of illness. That would help a shit load for rent etc...no?

[Jb1210a]

Numerous programs, Welfare, Medicaid, Food Stamps, Unemployment (all have their own requirements, but she should be able to apply for something).

Edit: There's also numerous local programs that help under or unemployed people get grants for schools in helping adults continue education, at least there are here in Atlanta.

[kuronosan]

She's out of the ordinary then. I'm pretty sure most people in the world, when faced with an opportunity to be a freeloading pile of boohoo, will take it.

Most assholes would, sure.

Take it from me, OP... I was in a situation like this (sans the girlfriend, as that is a totally separate issue that I had to resolve recently) with my parents acting with the utmost of douchbaggery.

Take your shit and go and don't look back. You need to liberate yourself from your mother completely and being that the car is also in your name she has no legal right to just confiscate it, leaving you out of a car to get yourself to work in. You could easily small-claims that shit. Second, that bipolar problem will never go away so you need to GTFO and again, don't look back. My brother is bi-polar and although I want to help and I want him to get help it's not going to stabilize your situation.

Lastly, as much as I hate to say it, your girlfriend may be older, more mature, disabled, whatever, but letting her sit there and do nothing but eat, sleep, and take your dick all day is probably making her miserable on the inside. You need to put yourself in a position to take care of that if you're wanting to stay with her because you can't just simply continue to contribute everything and then let her sit around doing nothing. She will get tired of it.

[Eaglestrike]

Can't your GF claim some sort of revenue from the government? In the UK we have a pretty solid incapacity benefit for people that are unable to work because of illness. That would help a shit load for rent etc...no?

Working on it. She needs to prove she's unable to work, which is a tough thing. But she's been writing a journal, has friends writing in as references (one being a girl with shizophrenia, not sure if that helps or hurts, heh).

I am looking at a condominium development my dad current lives in. He wants to sell his condo for twice what he bought it for, which his gf thinks isn't going to happen, but there are a few condos there listed at $70-75k at times. Mortgage+taxes+insurance puts me at around $600-650 a month, homeowners association fee is $100-150 and includes garbage/snow removal/water, which puts the condo at cheaper than renting an apartment and only needing to get electric/gas and internet (and of course my own cell phone/car insurance). This puts my total bill below what my income is, though it's tighter than I'd like. With my friend renting a room and/or disability checks, I should be fine. But it requires a down payment so I can't do it right now. Also, my gf claims it takes about 2 years to receive disability checks once you're approved, I sure hope that isn't true, but yeah...

When I started this thread I was actually more interested in getting answers about what to do with the bipolar guy, my plans are mostly set for the other stuff, but it's always good to get additional insight into what others see and such.

[Ollieyk]

Why are you looking to buy when you are so tight on money? Rent for the time being and save money for a down payment etc...when you gf can help out/when you get better paid work. Unless they pay extortionate rent rates over mortgage rates in the US.

Also - I find it hard to believe it would take 2 years to claim disability, that would make the whole scheme completely redundant in 90% of cases? Have you looked into it yourself?

[Eaglestrike]

Why are you looking to buy when you are so tight on money? Rent for the time being and save money for a down payment etc...when you gf can help out/when you get better paid work. Unless they pay extortionate rent rates over mortgage rates in the US.

Also - I find it hard to believe it would take 2 years to claim disability, that would make the whole scheme completely redundant in 90% of cases? Have you looked into it yourself?

As I've said in the thread, lowest apartment rental I have seen is $800/month in my area, which is more expensive than if I get a mortgage on a condo. I'm paying $300/month and my mother won't kick me out and this allows me to save up money at a fairly high rate (roughly $1000 a month), I just have to deal with (i.e. ignore) my mother during this time and my girlfriend and I are essentially in a long distance relationship. Renting for the time being doesn't allow me to save up any money other than getting a room in someones place, but that's still more expensive, requires me to move all my shit and requires a 6 month lease which most people around here want, when I'm looking at maybe 4-5 months until I get a loan somewhere.

Just based on this: http://www.ultimatedisabilityguide.c...ait_times.html it seems 2 years isn't out of the question, since it's going to take a few months to be accepted and then a year and a half to be processed. So 2 years is the conservative estimate on how long it will take.