Relationship and Sex Advice

[EternityEnd]

You don't have to say "I DON'T THINK YOU'RE SEXY. YOU MAKE ME FLACCID." All you have to do is open up a little bit and express that you're having difficulty getting an erection around him; it's not a problem with him physically—the guy is cute as fuck, so I promise it's not—it probably stems from you being uncomfortable with monogamy.

If both of you are at all mature enough to be in a real relationship, then sitting down and having a benign discussion shouldn't be overwhelmingly difficult. It is possible to work through things like this, so long as you're willing to invest a modicum of effort.

Also, you mention that you used to have frequent, great sex every day with this guy, before becoming officially monogamous; however, I thought you said in the other thread that you tried having sex and he decided he couldn't bottom. Did I misread something? Or was he just topping before? If so, why don't you try doing that again, to revitalize your sexual interest in each other? If not, again, just talk to him. I doubt the relationship will last a very long while if you guys are unable to communicate on such a basic level. : \

[archibaldcrane]

How exactly does one begin a conversation saying, I find you no longer sexually appealing?

Um...

is that what you're taking from this?

You don't want to be monogamous. It's unnatural for most humans and not for you. You made a mistake getting into said relationship, you shouldn't have done so, take ownership of your fuckup.

[Gwynplaine]

Why did you decide to enter a more committed relationship? How much do you value your relationship? What kinds of values do you share? Does he provide something in your life beyond just basic support or physical sex appeal? This is all really personal and I wouldn't discuss that sort of thing in public, but since you posted the thread.

What turned you on about your relation previously? What's different now? Why is that?

[kuronosan]

You lost your mojo because you don't want your dick to belong exclusively to his butt. Happens more often than you would think. If you can't get into it now that you're in a relationship, it isn't going to get better.

[Rhyis.]

2-3 months in and the desire is gone? And you're, I'm assuming, in your 20s? You probably weren't that attracted to him in ways that weren't sexual the first place, so now you're unconsciously regretting your discussion. It takes years of sex with the same person to actually get bored of sex with them. Personalities on the other hand...

[Psion]

It could possibly just be one of those awkward things where you have an irrational fear of performing well for him, and that fear means you can't perform for him, and then it turns into a negative feedback where you can't perform, and that enhances the fear, which makes it even harder to perform, etc.

If it's that, then I'm not sure how to break out of it other than laugh at the absurdity of it and stop worrying about it.

[miokomioko]

Stop fapping.

[Skyylya]

How exactly does one begin a conversation saying, I find you no longer sexually appealing?

That sounds good right there.

[Qalbert]

or "you make my dick soft"

[Eaglestrike]

It could possibly just be one of those awkward things where you have an irrational fear of performing well for him, and that fear means you can't perform for him, and then it turns into a negative feedback where you can't perform, and that enhances the fear, which makes it even harder to perform, etc.

If it's that, then I'm not sure how to break out of it other than laugh at the absurdity of it and stop worrying about it.

This is my theory, happened to me, took a few weeks but now things are just fine.

[Dimmauk]

did you try lube?

LOL.

I didnt know Blacks could get ED.

http://cksyfm.com/wp-content/uploads..._you_know2.jpg

[Silenka]

no, i think this is related to those ED threads that have been popping up lately.

you said it yourself, you can jerk off to porn with no problems. stop jerking off to porn. you're basically training your dick to stand to attention only for that, so the real thing doesn't turn you on.

While I laugh at the ED spambots, there might be a grain of truth in this (though it might not be applicable here). I personally have a much harder time getting aroused with my bf than to some sick hentai Because that's the majority of the way I've gotten off for the past 10 or w/e years (not the only way, but porn is easymode and real people are hardmode). Not that I'm condoning people thinking porn is evil and cause problems or whatever those bots are designed for, just that from personal experience 'training yourself' to get off easier on porn might be a reality for some.

For OP, though, I'm leaning toward the commitment is a buzzkill thing many others have already brought up.

[Eaglestrike]

I think the "porn ruins you" shit is itself a psychological mindfuck and THAT is the problem people have, not that porn or constant masturbation does it. For me, porn/constant masturbation effects how I can actually orgasm, but nothing to do with getting hard. Getting hard is just about being calm enough with the person and not stress out about over performance.

I think a major problem people have, and this probably comes from the taboo nature of sex in the American (western?) world is that people have this idealized view of sex, that every time needs to be perfect or it's useless, and that's simply not how it's going to be. Sometimes it'll be good for one, and not the other, and vice versa. Sometimes it'll be great, sometimes it'll just be. Don't make such a big deal out of it, it all evens out in the end. I think everyone is just neurotic these days.

[Iono]

Wow, and i thought the major benefit to being gay is to always get some since guys are horndogs...

Would've said something more constructive, but my thoughts were already covered.

[Jeryhn]

You made a mistake getting into said relationship, you shouldn't have done so, take ownership of your fuckup.

Pretty much this. Exclusive relationships come with responsibilities. Deal with it.

[Kuya]

Milkster, why did you decide to make it exclusive?

[Milkster]

Well, I was over the whole ONS and casual sex thing and wanted something more with a person. Or so I thought, think, don't know... When we're together it's pretty great, we make each other laugh and have an amazing time with each other. I guess it was the attention he gave me that I was craving from one person which made me agree so openly to become exclusive and everything.

[Kuya]

But if it was the attention you were craving, isn't that something he's probably giving you more of now that you're both exclusive?

[BaneTheBrawler]

So I'm sitting here reading this thread and I suddenly realize Kuya's avatar and sig are fucking hilarious in this context, and burst out laughing.

Anyway, sounds to me like you've stopped sexualizing him. I only get boners when I hang out with girls I hope to get with (Read: never, foreveralone) or look at porn. If I'm hanging out with a chick who I don't want to bang, for any reason, even if she's hot, I simply won't get boners. At least not from her.

Dunno how I can help you fix that, though. Maybe try something more unusual than regular sex? Maybe talk to a professional? Dunno, I'm pretty far out of my area of expertise on this one. Foreveralone, and all that. Sorry. Hope you get it figured out.

[Gwynplaine]

It's difficult to say just from the little info you posted. But I've watched Oprah as well as the Judy Judge so here's my armchair opinion about how to conduct your life:

I get a sense that you may have began your committed relationship for the wrong reasons. Mainly out of a sense of duty to do so, as a blind "thing people are supposed to want".

But what value is he to you? What values do you share? A deeper relationship is one where you share more basic values. Not that there's anything wrong with adults who only want a loose sexual relationship, so long as there's no lying or pretension. But choosing to be committed to someone should be because you're so certain of their value to you.

Do you both like video games? Do you only share that you're both gay and are sexually appealing? Do you agree on politics? Are you both Christians or Budhists? Do you understand each other on a level most people don't? Do you share similar attitudes and personality? What do you get out of being together?

What about your feelings toward other guys now. Are there guys in your life you still do find yourself attracted to romantically? And are you honest with each other about it?

What does he mean to you? Is he singular and unique or just a convenient person to be with? Do you admire his character? Did he change since your relationship started? Take some time and think about such things or you won't know what to go on or how to identify the problem at all.