BG Cooking: The Appetizer Thread

[Callisto]

I apologize in advance if my proportions are off, again when I cook I tend to just throw some shit in some shit and BOOM tasty, it's a bad habit I'm trying to break since it makes it difficult to replicate the good ones later on. All of these are my own recipes, though some of them are tweaked versions of other peoples'. I wouldn't consider them all 'appetizers' since some of them are a little heavy, but they're starter courses still imo.

Disclaimer: I do not give a flying shit about my body, any recipe made by me will probably double your cholesterol, if you care in the slightest bit about your own health you'll probably want to tweak things a bit to use healthier ingredients.

Savory Funnel Cakes

I came up with this after making normal funnel cakes for my g/f's birthday, I wanted something with their lightness but more dinner-oriented. They turned out pretty well, but you may want a second pair of hands helping you out with them.

Ingredients

2~ cups all-purpose flour
1 tspn baking powder
1 1/2 cups milk
2 eggs
salt, black pepper, onion/garlic powder, I don't measure this stuff, if you are attempting this sort of recipe you should have a concept of how much to use
herbs to taste, I went with oregano/thyme/basil
1 package Boursin cheese, any flavored cream cheese works I suppose
8~ cups frying oil, I personally use canola, vegetable works fine, I think peanut's a little strong for this.

You can do this in a skillet or a deep fryer, I prefer a cast-iron skillet if you have one, the heat distribution is nice and even and there's more room for the cake to float around while it's forming, deep fryers don't leave as much room so you have to watch out for it sticking to the sides. The also make little funnel cake kits like this one, the little metal ring is the most valuable part imo. The recipe itself is super straight-forward. Mix your dry ingredients, pour in the milk, add eggs, whisk until it thickens. You don't want the batter to be thin by any means, but you do want it to flow smoothly. Add flour/milk as needed to get it to the proper consistency, it should be just thin enough that it flows off of a spoon. Set out the Boursin cheese a while before hand so it's room temperature when you start cooking.

Get the oil heated to about 375, I use a candy thermometer to check mine. You don't want to overshoot the heat, this is something that can get overbrowned and hard relatively easily. When the oil's set, find a funnel or something with a pour spout that is not too large, I'd say a half-inch opening is the biggest you'd want. If using an actual funnel, this is where you'd want a bit of a hand if someone's available. Spoon some batter into the funnel, then move the funnel around in a sort of circular motion so you're swirling the batter on top of itself, more like a Spirograph overlapping pattern than a soft-serve machine swirl. Let it fry for about 2 minutes, once it's solidified a bit use a pair of tongs to flip it. Let it go another couple of minutes so that it's a nice golden fried on each side, pull it out and place it on a plate covered in paper towel. I liked to hit mine with a little extra seasoning when it came out, I used a bit of paprika mixed with garlic/onion powders and salt. Spoon a glob of Boursin on top, and done. This goes well with my tomato basil soup recipe, I'll be posting that later.

[Callisto]

Tomato Basil Cream Soup

This recipe came about when I realized that the only reason I ever really get laid is my cooking, and one day I might want to have sex with a vegetarian, which ruled out all of my previous recipes. This recipe is not very complicated, but the actual preparation can be a pain in the ass. Each time I make it I try to refine the process a little but I've had trouble making certain parts easier, which I'll get into later.

Ingredients

4 large fresh tomatoes OR 2.5ish cans(the 14oz~ ones) of diced canned tomatoes, canned works fine especially if you just want to save time/effort. Most times I use whatever canned I get at the grocery store, however if I were to make a recommendation I'd say go with Muir Glen if they're available at your store, it's the best middle ground between fresh and normal canned.

Fresh Basil, I usually just buy a pack and use about half of it, if you grow your own, sweet. This is pretty up to preference, I really like a strong basil flavor.

Fresh Garlic, This is one of the few dishes I make ever where I 1) don't use Lawry's Seasoned Salt and 2) am pretty conservative with the garlic, just 1/2 cloves.

4 cups Tomato Juice, I just use regular old Campbell's. Unfortunately the only cost effective way to buy tomato juice is in the big plastic bottles, so you may want to freeze the remainder of it if you don't have something else to use it in right away. I did try using V8 once, and it ended up being way too thin, I would not use it again.

1 cup Heavy Whipping Cream, For health reasons you could probably substitute this for something else, however honestly I highly recommend against it. This should be a silky, smooth soup with a cream taste, I think altering this particular ingredient would gimp the fuck out of the final product.

1/2 stick Butter, Same as above, you could use something healthier, or you could just not be a bitch and make good soup instead.

Optional: 1 Red Bell Pepper, diced, I use this soup as a base for a couple of others, I think the red pepper adds a nice little zing to it but that's a preference call.

The first part of the recipe is very easy, if you're using fresh tomatoes you'll want to boil some plain water to start, cut a little x-shaped slit at the bottom of the each one and toss it into the boiling water for just a few seconds, this should make them nice and easy to peel. Dice and separate out most of the seeds, they don't hurt anything really but they get stuck in people's teeth and whatnot, it's just a texture issue. At the bottom of a large pot add just a bit of olive oil and the garlic, pressed or minced. Add in the tomatoes, a little salt/pepper/seasonings as desired(oregano/thyme/sage, don't add the fresh basil yet). Put a lid on the pot and let the tomatoes simmer down for about 35-40 minutes. Add in the tomato juice, let simmer another 10-15.

Here's where things get tricky. What you're going to need is a blender, another pot or a large bowl, and probably a large towel or two. Unless you have some sort of absurdly large blender, you're going to need to break this up into two batches. Pour the tomatoes/juice into the blender, but only fill the blender about halfway. The issue here is steam. As you blend the mixture, extra steam is going to be released, which is going to force up the cap of the blender. If you aren't careful you're going to toss tomato juice all over your kitchen walls which is a massive fucking pain to clean up, and probably also burn the fuck out of yourself. How I typically handle this at the moment is to put a towel over the top of the blender(sometimes I'll also plastic wrap the top of it), then take a dinner plate and put it upside down on top of the towel, and push down hard against the cap of the blender as I hit the pulse button.

Before actually blending it, cut up half your fresh basil, and add it into the blender. You can use the branches of the basil as well as the leaves, but if you do so make sure to mince it very small for texture reasons, if you don't people will get mouthfuls of soup containing grainy stems. After adding the basil, cover the blender and blend. I usually just do a quick pulse to start, making sure to hold down the cap as hard as possible, then take off the cap and let the steam out. Do this a couple of times and most of the excess steam should be gone, now you can go ahead and puree it for a few seconds. Pour your blended mix into a second pot or bowl, then repeat this process with the rest of your patch. This all seems worse than it is, the second pot doesn't even require full cleaning, as soon as you're done just rinse it off right away and it's good to get put back away.

Once everything's blended up, return the blended soup to the original pot on low heat. Add heavy cream and butter, stirring occasional as the butter melts. Once the butter's all melted and all the dairy bits are blended in, you're good to serve. Garnish the bowl with a sprig of basil if you're a pimp. Hint: You're a pimp. If not you wouldn't have just made this bomb-ass fucking soup that's going to get you all up ins that vegetarian who you brought home.

[Callisto]

Okay, now that I'm done with the foreplay, I'm about to drop a fucking bomb on you. This is a treasured recipe that is 100% my own design from scratch, and it is easily the best thing I've ever made. I'm not even going to say 'to taste' or 'preference' in this recipe, if you use my recipe, and you fuck it up, I swear to fucking god I will find you and drown you in a fucking fryer.

Deep-Fried Lamb Meatballs

For those of you who have not worked with lamb before this is a sensitive fucking recipe. Pay attention to what you're doing and make sure you have a goddamn thermometer to check the temperature of your oil. Make extra sure that the level of heat your stove or fry is at maintains a constant temperature over a course of at least 15-20 minutes before dropping these into the oil. Fucking up lamb recipes is the #1 reason why Muslims hate America.

Ingredients

1 lb Ground Lamb

3 Eggs

Bread Crumbs, I don't know the exact amount, it'll kinda vary on the moisture content of your particular amount of lamb. Lamb is a very lean meat, it can be a little harder to get it to stay together than something like ground beef. I usually used Seasoned Italian breadcrumbs.

Fresh Parsley

1 Medium Yellow Onion

All Purpose Flour, this is for breading so I don't really measure it, 2 cups should do

1 package Tandoori Masala spice, Tandoori Masala is usually just Garam Masala with some powdered onion/garlic/ginger mixed in, if you can't find Tandoori itself at your local store, Garam can be a tad easier to find at normal white-people chain grocery stores.

8~ cups Frying Oil, again, I use canola, vegetable works, peanut is definitely too strong flavor-wise for this recipe. You can use both a cast-iron skillet or a deep fryer, I personally would use the skillet.

Start by dicing up your onion nice and small, I wouldn't quite call it 'minced', but pretty close to it. In a large mixing bowl, mix together your lamb, onion, parsley, and a bit of seasoning. I use a bit of Lawry's, garlic/onion powder, and coarse-ground black pepper. Add in the egg and use your hand to mix it into the meat. Start adding your bread crumbs, knead them into the meat by hand. You want it like a meatloaf, when you pick up the pile of meat you don't want parts of it just falling off, add bread crumbs until it's solid and holds itself together, but don't dump all the bread crumbs at once. Add a bit, knead them in, give them a few seconds to soak in the moisture of the meat and egg, then add more as needed.

Once your lamb mix is stable, start pulling off chunks and rolling them into balls. Usually mine have about a 2-3 inch diameter, you want them to where the oil in your skillet will reach about 2/3rds of the way up the ball. After you have all your lamb rolled into balls, you're going to want to set up a bowl, a plate, and a large zip-lock bag. In the bag, mix together your flour and a fair amount of masala spice. If you have a sieve to get things mixed nice and easily that helps, if not just toss it into the plastic bag, close it, and shake thoroughly. In the bowl, beat the other two eggs, make sure that you whisk them thoroughly and have them nice and blended. Drop meatballs into the egg and roll them around to get nice and coated, then using a fork, lift them out, shake off excess egg drippings a bit, then toss them into the bag. Shake them around in the bag to get them fully coated by the flour/seasoning mix. Take them out of the bag and place them on the plate. Once all of your meatballs are coated, cover the plate with plastic wrap and throw them in the fridge. You want to give them about a half hour or so, just to get a bit more solid.

During this time you'll want to be monitoring your oil. Make sure you have a consistent 350 degrees and you aren't getting weird spikes in either direction. After about 30 minutes, pull your plate of meatballs out of the fridge. Using a pair of tongs, place them into the skillet. Let fry for 2-3 minutes, then flip the meatball so that the exposed side is in the oil. Fry another 2-3 minutes until the outside is a nice golden color. Remove meatball to a plate covered in paper towel to dry.

IMPORTANT SHIT: LAMB IS A LEAN SENSITIVE MEAT BEST SERVED MEDIUM-RARE OR BARELY ABOVE. Do just 1 or 2 to start, and confirm that the inside of them is not getting well done. If the outside is barely brown and the inside is gray try upping the heat and lowering the cooktime.

Bonus recipe: Srirancha

This is what I use as a dip for these meatballs, as well as a dip for well, pretty much anything, hell if you put a little on your dangly parts you might be able to coax a few extra blerb jerbs from a previously non-compliant significant other.

Ingredients

Hidden Valley Ranch
Sriracha Chili Sauce

I think you know what to do.

[Callisto]

Sort of a mini-recipe utilizing a few things above:

With the funnel cake batter, you can also cut zucchini into semi-thick rectangular strips the size of small steak fries. Coat them in flour, then in the batter, toss them into hot oil for a couple minutes, hit with a little dusting of cayenne pepper when they come out, boom: Zucchini Fries. Dip into Srirancha.

[Byrthnoth]

Not an appetizer, but I had to drop this link somewhere. Dorky guys with dorky girlfriends, you're all welcome.

[Cail]

Pepperoni String Cheese Roll Ups

1 (8 ounce) package refrigerated crescent roll dough
4 cheese sticks, halved
1 (3.5 ounce) package sliced pepperoni
optional - marinara or ranch sauce for dipping

Garlic Butter Glaze:
2 tablespoons butter, melted
1/2 teaspoon Italian seasonings
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
1 Tablespoon grated Parmesan cheese

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Take each triangle of crencent roll dough and place about 6 pepperoni on the bottom of the triangle. Place half of a cheese stick on top and roll up. Place seam side down on a cookie sheet and bake for 10-14 minutes or until golden brown.

While rolls are cooking, combine the melted butter, Italian seasonings, garlic powder and Parmesan cheese in a small bowl.

When rolls are done remove from the oven and brush with the garlic butter glaze. Serve with marinara or ranch for dipping.

these shits are fucking bangingly awesome

[wyrmtung]

My go to appetizer recipe for get togethers: Olive Garden's Artichoke and Spinach Dip.

Instead of bread I use white tortilla chips. This recipe is super easy and super delicious. Just mix all the ingredients listed and bake for 30 mins.

http://www.olivegarden.com/Connectio...Artichoke-Dip/


Prep Time: 30 minutes
Cook Time:30 minutes
Serving Size: 4

Ingredients
2 fresh artichokes
1 lemon, juice squeezed
1 tsp salt
OR
1 14-oz can artichoke hearts, drained and sliced
1 lb cream cheese, room temperature
8 oz mascarpone cheese, room temperature
2 Tbsp all-purpose flour, sifted
1 cup Parmesan cheese, grated
1/4 tsp fresh thyme leaves
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper
1 Tbsp fresh flat leaf parsley, chopped
1 garlic clove, minced
5 green onions, chopped
Salt to taste
Ground black pepper to taste
1 6-oz pack fresh spinach, chopped
8 slices crusty Italian bread
Extra virgin olive oil (to drizzle)
Procedures

Preheat oven to 325ºF. PREPARATION WITH FRESH ARTICHOKES

BOIL artichokes in 3 quarts water with 1 tsp salt and lemon juice.
COOL artichokes. Clean, peel, remove center “choke” and slice artichoke.
FOLLOW Dip Preparation steps below using fresh artichokes.
DIP PREPARATION
MIX all ingredients in a large bowl, except bread and extra virgin olive oil.
COAT a large non-stick baking pan with pan spray; fill pan with mixture. Bake at 325ºF for about 25 minutes or until bubbling and center is hot.
DRIZZLE both sides of bread with extra virgin olive oil. Grill bread on both sides.
SPRINKLE top of heated dip with parmesan cheese. Serve hot with grilled bread.