Random Fail: First World Problems

[Myrrh_Quetz]

See, but that's a huge problem for me. I can't stop thinking about my own death. It's been burned into my skull since I was 13. I never expected to ever live to see 25 and now that I am 25, I'm terrified that I don't know how long I have till I die. It's fucking weird. I'm enjoying life and all that good shit but I can't get rid of the thought that I don't know when I'll die. This is so fucking hard to explain to normal people.

[Lordender]

See, but that's a huge problem for me. I can't stop thinking about my own death. It's been burned into my skull since I was 13. I never expected to ever live to see 25 and now that I am 25, I'm terrified that I don't know how long I have till I die. It's fucking weird. I'm enjoying life and all that good shit but I can't get rid of the thought that I don't know when I'll die. This is so fucking hard to explain to normal people.

Hopefully you have no regrets, living as best as you can, did the best you could up to this point given the circumstances. I remember reading your prior posts about medical issues, I can't imagine how tough it has been but one thing I can say is if you never expected to see 25 and have made it to 25, you're defying your expectations. That is a great thing because it should give you enough strength knowing how far you've come and how hard you had to fight to get here.

I never have feared death, I just accept its going to happen at some point or another, we can't escape it. I walk 20-31 miles a week, usually at night so I don't have to deal with traffic, if I'm gunned down, struck down by a drunk driver, so be it. When I was a kid, I almost died to a really bad asthma attack, it was about as bad as you could get, never feared death from that day on, just accepted it could happen at any point.

[arus2001]

Yeah, while your condition makes you more vulnerable, the truth is everyone could pretty much kick the bucket suddenly. I almost drowned when I was a kid. Early on when I got my license, I almost spun my car off an icy hill. Got a wicked case of pneumonia a couple years back that also left me whimpering in my bed feeling frozen and hallucinating all at once. For all I know, the next time I eat spaghetti and meatballs, a meatball could be my executioner. And none of this really considers stupid things other people can do to me out in public. I know it's easy to say to not think about it, but you just have to try not to. If there's someone you think would particularly miss you, just try and hang out with 'em some. Give them a hug. Whatever just feels good for you. They'll remember those things, too.

[BaneTheBrawler]

Whenever I'm thinking about stuff I don't want to think about, I fall back on a few different trains-of-thought that interest me enough to hold my attention and enjoy thinking about, but aren't so complicated that my brain has to work hard to think about them. I use this to fall asleep, too. One of those trains is my alter-ego's backstory. So, whenever I read fiction, particularly sci-fi, I often imagine what my character would be like in that universe, and how he would act in certain situations, etc. The most developed version is my Star Wars character, which has slowly evolved to include elements from everything from The Incredible Hulk to The Culture novels.

Anyway, so when I catch myself thinking about stuff I don't want to be, I deliberately start thinking about my character. Usually just tweaking his physical form at first, then moving on to doing something, and working out how he'd do it. The fight choreography and stuff like that. Sometimes it takes a few tries, sometimes I'll end up thinking about something else entirely, and sometimes it just doesnt work at all. It usually gets me thinking about something other than what I was originally, though, which is often the point.

I don't know what you have that would be a good thought-train to use, but that's one of mine. I dunno if the exercise will help at all, either, but I figure if it works for me there's a chance it could work for someone else, too.

[Drex]

See, but that's a huge problem for me. I can't stop thinking about my own death. It's been burned into my skull since I was 13. I never expected to ever live to see 25 and now that I am 25, I'm terrified that I don't know how long I have till I die. It's fucking weird. I'm enjoying life and all that good shit but I can't get rid of the thought that I don't know when I'll die. This is so fucking hard to explain to normal people.

If it makes you feel better, life has a twisted sense of humor. You'll probably get hit by a car.

[Kohan]

If it makes you feel better, life has a twisted sense of humor. You'll probably get hit by a car.

[Eurell]

Paid my Bank of America Visa. They decided to take $27,000 out of my checking account instead of the $270 I actually owed them. This has been a fantastic start to my week.

HOW THE FUCK DO I DECIMAL

[Furionstormrage]

Paid my Bank of America Visa. They decided to take $27,000 out of my checking account instead of the $270 I actually owed them. This has been a fantastic start to my week.

HOW THE FUCK DO I DECIMAL

That sucks, but why do you keep 27 grand in a checking account?

[Brill Weave]

Paid my Bank of America Visa. They decided to take $27,000 out of my checking account instead of the $270 I actually owed them. This has been a fantastic start to my week.

HOW THE FUCK DO I DECIMAL

Ummm, you would think they would have caught that.

[Furionstormrage]

Ummm, you would think they would have caught that.

I work for a bank, not surprising at all. If they run it through and the scanner puts the decimal in the wrong spot, oh well...

[Acevalefor]

See, but that's a huge problem for me. I can't stop thinking about my own death. It's been burned into my skull since I was 13. I never expected to ever live to see 25 and now that I am 25, I'm terrified that I don't know how long I have till I die. It's fucking weird. I'm enjoying life and all that good shit but I can't get rid of the thought that I don't know when I'll die. This is so fucking hard to explain to normal people.

I have had a couple of near death experiences that have affected me on the opposite end of the spectrum. I do not think about death and I try to live with no regrets. Having that "I'm fucked" feeling and completely surrendering to it knowing you are about to die then somehow surviving it...that's something that either breaks people or makes them appreciate life on a whole new level. I have no words of wisdom for you. Just try to realize that you are living because you are meant to be alive. Enjoy it. Experience it. Don't fear the end of it.

[Apelila]

Chiming in. I've had health issues, some severe I haven't posted here. I really try and hold back and not say a lot, so anything you've read is only what I'm either over or laughing at because I can't do anything else.

Speaking as someone who for a long period of time has, off and on, been under the cloud of "this will kill you in X months without treatment that you can't afford, that we can deny you without payment"; where X being a random number.
I want to restate something for myself, and what I think Myrrh is saying(if I can infer for you please?).

You are all stating this from the perspective that death WILL happen.

Wait until you get waaay past the point that death SHOULD HAVE happened:

Without any guaranteeing or possible prediction of how long could be left - to the tune of 2 to 60 years. Without really giving thought to what you wanted to do after you well, should have died.

It's nerve wrecking on exponential scale. Sure there's death by a car accident; but how many ways?
What about death because you lived through the accident but then got an infection?
Or cancer where there is no treatment because it would certainly kill you.
Or your body rejects something or a medicine starts to have diminishing returns, but how long and how fast or even if it won't stop once it's begun are impossible to predict?

It makes considering the future very like looking through a matte'd glass- you might see an outline, but everything is diffused and hard to make out.

[Trichocyst]

I have dyskinesia and spent many years trying to hide it afraid that I was going to have something fatal wrong with me. I was like 17 when I first developed symptoms and spent four years hiding them all the while dealing with all that other bullshit you deal with from 17-21. I had a lot less fun than most people, was a lot more moody and afraid, and I lost a lot of friendships because of it. When I finally started seeing doctors and then told me I wasn't dying it was like I was living an entirely different life. I relaxed a lot and focused on living suddenly. It was a hard lesson to learn and it can still be difficult to remember. Especially since I haven't been able to afford to see any doctors in 7 years.

[Myrrh_Quetz]

Chiming in. I've had health issues, some severe I haven't posted here. I really try and hold back and not say a lot, so anything you've read is only what I'm either over or laughing at because I can't do anything else.

Speaking as someone who for a long period of time has, off and on, been under the cloud of "this will kill you in X months without treatment that you can't afford, that we can deny you without payment"; where X being a random number.
I want to restate something for myself, and what I think Myrrh is saying(if I can infer for you please?).

You are all stating this from the perspective that death WILL happen.

Wait until you get waaay past the point that death SHOULD HAVE happened:

Without any guaranteeing or possible prediction of how long could be left - to the tune of 2 to 60 years. Without really giving thought to what you wanted to do after you well, should have died.

It's nerve wrecking on exponential scale. Sure there's death by a car accident; but how many ways?
What about death because you lived through the accident but then got an infection?
Or cancer where there is no treatment because it would certainly kill you.
Or your body rejects something or a medicine starts to have diminishing returns, but how long and how fast or even if it won't stop once it's begun are impossible to predict?

It makes considering the future very like looking through a matte'd glass- you might see an outline, but everything is diffused and hard to make out.

Thank you for saying this. Like I said, It's very hard to explain these feelings to normal people. They usually just give me "You could die in a car accident tomorrow(Seriously, I've been told that atleast two dozen times)". Living past something that should have happened is terrifying. I had made peace with death and was prepared to die. I wasn't prepared to live. I have nothing. I'm broke as fuck. I have such shitty health issues I can't work a normal job, an unsupportive family, and expectations from every fucking person I meet to become this epic role model.

One of the worst things now is I have someone I actually love and am horrified to hurt. So, starting the process of dying again scares me too. I spent half of my life dying, not caring about anything or anyone. Just wanted to make people laugh and leave behind good memories. How do you cope with living? Fuck, I wish I'd die in a car accident tomorrow. Then I wouldn't submit this girl to either months or years of me slowly dying again.

[hey]

As it turns out, dying is easy, it's living that's hard.

[BaneTheBrawler]

I'm afraid that's getting out of my area of experience. Crohn's is miserable, but it's also mostly manageable, and not as likely to kill me as the stuff you guys have dealt with. I've come close to dying a few times, but there were always a few more treatments/tricks/etc the doctors could do to keep me going, that they hadn't had to use yet. I know just enough to understand that I don't know those feels.

Although I do know the difference between the chance of dying in a car accident etc vs dying to complications due to your illness. It's just plain not the same. The risk of dying in a car accident is totally abstract. That's what other people do, even though you know it could just as easily happen to you. The disease you have? That's just for you, special order. It brings it home in a much different way. The very vessel you use to get through life is broken in some way. It's much scarier. It doesn't seem like it should be, but it is.

[Brill Weave]

Thank you for saying this. Like I said, It's very hard to explain these feelings to normal people. They usually just give me "You could die in a car accident tomorrow(Seriously, I've been told that atleast two dozen times)". Living past something that should have happened is terrifying. I had made peace with death and was prepared to die. I wasn't prepared to live. I have nothing. I'm broke as fuck. I have such shitty health issues I can't work a normal job, an unsupportive family, and expectations from every fucking person I meet to become this epic role model.

One of the worst things now is I have someone I actually love and am horrified to hurt. So, starting the process of dying again scares me too. I spent half of my life dying, not caring about anything or anyone. Just wanted to make people laugh and leave behind good memories. How do you cope with living? Fuck, I wish I'd die in a car accident tomorrow. Then I wouldn't submit this girl to either months or years of me slowly dying again.

I'm feeling what you're saying. When my father was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer he was initially given 3 months to live. So once we hit that three month mark it was like borrowed time. It sucked. I mean it was great that we got more time with him but it was a constant fear that one day he could take a turn for the worse and the wheels could come off. Which they inevitably did after two years. Sadly I don't have any Earth shattering advice for you. You've got a great girl that loves you, that's better than most and a great start. Build around that.

[Manako]

We have a blizzard coming, so on the way to the parking lot a coworker and I are talking about how prepared we are. I get to my car and it's flat, huge screw in the tire. Me and my buddy put on the spare and I go home.

This is the second time since november this has happened and my husband is out of town. I gotta be the awkward penguin in the garage asking for a patch and waiting :-/

[Acturus]

See, but that's a huge problem for me. I can't stop thinking about my own death. It's been burned into my skull since I was 13. I never expected to ever live to see 25 and now that I am 25, I'm terrified that I don't know how long I have till I die. It's fucking weird. I'm enjoying life and all that good shit but I can't get rid of the thought that I don't know when I'll die. This is so fucking hard to explain to normal people.

My grandfather never thought he'd live past 50. I don't know where he got that idea, my dad (his son) doesn't know. It's just one of those facts we've always known about him. Nothing traumatic happened that gave him "age 50" as an expiration date, but it was in his head.

I never knew my grandfather before he had already lived past his 50th birthday. But man, whatever it was about that, he was a fucking awesome guy. Every day was an amazing day to him, because he felt he was living on borrowed time.

He retired at 50 from running his own dry cleaning plant, and went into real estate. In 6 months, he was their number 2 sales man. Not bad for a dude who barely scraped through high school.

He died almost two years ago, at the age of 91. Ninety fucking one. He lived 41 YEARS longer than he thought he would. And he spent that time being kind, considerate, giving, and loving. He was an amazing role model, and I think a lot of that he owed to his outlook on the life he never thought he was going to have.

I don't know, Myrrh, when it comes to your specific situation, but I know something of the feeling that you don't know how much time you have left. All I can encourage you to do is to find the joy each morning that you wake up, because you too are on borrowed time. And if it's truly borrowed, you need to sure as shit not make any plans to give it back.

[jmc]

Normally I work 4 to midnights, but with the blizzard here I was assigned to work 7 pm to 7 am.

Only problem is, im now driving to work during the worst part of the storm. Even during a "driving ban" lol