Major Depressive Episode - Have you had one? What did you do?

[Yuri-G]

Already mentioned it but I would highly suggest to anyone to take St. Johns Wort. It's a herbal remedy that *can* help. It's not a cure-all but for me and a few of my friends, it's helped a decent amount and it's really cheap too. I get it at Sunflower market for 7$. Only thing though is if you're female and you take birth control, it can fuck it up.

Whenever I was in my teens I was EXTREMELY depressed. Like, I could be with all my friends and be even more lonely then if I was alone. I would google suicide and see what came up and one thing that did that I'm pretty sure saved my life was a pretty plain website that just had a few paragraphs and the person just wrote how much they loved me and how important I was. actually, this is the website: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

That and Bjork were my life-lines in highschool. It's definitely a process. Just everyday tell yourself you're awesome or you love yourself. I would scream in my car on the freeway "I fucking love me! I'm amazing! I'm fucking amazing!" and just pump myself up. Even if you don't believe it now, if you keep on telling yourself it and repeating it, you'll start to believe it and trust yourself. Be as egotistical and narcissistic as you want. If any sort of negatives come up. Fuck the negatives. If someone doesn't like me for X reason, fuck them, they have no place in my life. If X is a fault I have, fuck that fault. I'm not gunna let it get me down. I'm stronger and better than that! REFUSE to let some garbage emotion control you. YOU control you! You're fucking awesome!

that page is fuckloads of awesome. already printed it out and stuffed it in my "mental health" folder (yeah, I keep a folder full of resources/info in my laptop bag. lol) so many awesome points there. the moment I read "suicide is not a choice; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain" it was like "holy shit, finally someone gets it."

thanks a ton for posting that link. very helpful.

[Leashedragon]

I don't know if it helps, but that's actually pretty common these days. I mean, I certainly understand the yearning to be on your own and self-sufficient, but it's not something you should judge yourself for. That being said, maybe a change in scenery would help? I sometimes actually start to enjoy household chores when my parents aren't around to nag me about them. Maybe you could set something up with your boyfriend?

Just an idea. Hope you find something that helps.

He doesn't even know how I'm feeling. I haven't been able to tell him because he has enough of his own issues right now that I didn't want to put that on him. He just moved back home from Wyoming to Nebraska and settled in, just started his new job last week. I'm rather happy for him as it seems like it's going very well, and he's making a nice chunk more than he use to. We're still not out of the woods, though. I do feel bad for not talking to him about how I'm feeling. Maybe I'll muscle up the courage to talk to him like I should. It'd probably help.

Yes, it's a long distance thing for now and has been. We'll get over that hump eventually, which is another reason that contributes to my feeling of worthlessness. I want to be there for him (physically) and I can't. If I'd have a job, if I had a job, I could. It's nothing new, though. I've always had trouble finding a job ever since I was 14. Paper routes? Pft.. I got screwed over there when the guy never showed up for me to sign the papers to start. When I was 16 I started applying places. After I graduated I turned in like 10+ applications at places. I don't know what it is but I've always had terrible luck.

I know it's more common now to be living at home still, but it's still that whole stigma. It's not like I'm that basement dwelling lump of stink, but I hate it. It's not bad living here by any means. It has it's bad days just like any other, but I want out. I should be out.

Some people still have that horrible outlook on those that live at home, and I know I shouldn't care, but it bugs me. I had some "army buff" that I played with in WoW get all offended that I still lived at home and was defending a 19 year old who still lived at home. Of course his answer to it was, "join the army and do something meaningful with your life like I did, you worthless piece of shit." Not in those very words, but pretty much the gist of it. It amazes me that some people can be so ignorant of things.

And I'll stop before I derail things into that, sorry.

Already mentioned it but I would highly suggest to anyone to take St. Johns Wort. It's a herbal remedy that *can* help. It's not a cure-all but for me and a few of my friends, it's helped a decent amount and it's really cheap too. I get it at Sunflower market for 7$. Only thing though is if you're female and you take birth control, it can fuck it up.

I was totally going to go out and get some after reading that... then I read the bolded part. =/

That link is great, too. I checked it out today. It's nice to know that you're not fucked up and/or weak, it's the brains way of processing things once it can no longer cope. Even though, in a way, I knew that. I know that I'm damn strong to have kept trudging through day to day carrying the weight I had.. but at the sametime I couldn't help but think how weak I was to give in to the depression and thoughts.

In a way, it also helped with understanding what my brother was going through. We never did find out why he did it, just what exactly was the thing to tip the scale. He left no note, told no one. Whatever it was, was just too much for him to cope with anymore.

[Yuri-G]

I'm really sorry about your brother. the plaque looks just like the one for my mom, so that picture... ugh. it tore me up. but you're right, it's a good motivator to stay alive, when you think of how much pain it caused.

glad you liked the link as well though, and that it gave you a little bit of peace/understanding, both for yourself and for what he went through.

[Celeste]

I bought a tombstone for the great grandfather on my mother's side last year. Everybody hated him, abused his children/grandchildren.

Had it inscribed, "May the wretched find peace". Dying with nothing marking where your body lays terrifies me. Is what my family will do to me for not being what they wanted. Hopefully a descendant of one of my siblings will do for me as I did for him.

[Anton]

Get used to it - as far as I can tell, I've been fighting depression for the better part of a decade with no end in sight. The best strategy I can recommend is to view an attack in the third person for what it is - the sudden onset of an episode - so you can recognize when your mood is going to plummet. At the very least, it helps cut down on the self-blame/self-criticism as long as you recognize that you're not currently feeling like your normal self.

Medication doesn't necessarily cheer you up, either. As far as I can tell, SSRIs like Zoloft help establish a sort of "baseline mood" that help you moderate your depression, letting you deal with your life and shit without so many attacks. However, I've also found that even constant meds don't always stop an episode - I'm not sure what can. Once you're knee-deep in a depressive episode, the only way out is through. Get ready to feel like a pile of nothing, eat like shit, and generally be mopey for about a week. My appetite goes absolutely haywire - from "half a sandwich/day is fine" to "I ordered the Family Meal from Dominos, ate it all, and it's just a drop in the bucket". Falling asleep is a trial in and of itself - any time to retrospect on the day will, almost without fail, lead you to examine yourself in a bad light and despair over your current state.

My best advice for dealing with an Episode, once you're in one, is to take your mind off the episode as much as you possibly can, even though depression pretty much nukes any interests you had. Hang out with friends - especially if you have friends who understand your condition. Eat that pizza if you have to - you can work out when it's all over. Write the week off - whatever it takes to get you through. Your own happiness can become the only resource for survival you have left - you might as well get as much of it as you can.

Do NOT alienate yourself - as tempting as it feels to you, recognize that your mind is not in a state to properly make that decision. Having people to talk to helps massively, as much as it may pain you in the moment to go do such a troublesome thing. If you have parents of any sort of decency, you should be able to talk to them. Above all else, if you do slip into the abyss, at least tell someone if you're thinking of doing something drastic. Suicide is not the end - Overcoming suicide is the beginning.

[mactabilis]

Calling it an episode implies there will be an end. Don't jump to conclusions. What i did was gradually, after years of various meds and therapy, come to terms that it's never going away completely, at least not with the treatment that's available now. It was like a prolonged coming out or something. There's so much ignorance and stigma that still surrounds mental illness. Hell, i've suffered from it for a decade *without a day's respite* and had others worried most of my life. ECT can help with severe depression in some cases, but the side effects suck bad. The mortality rate was also pretty high back when i first considered it, so people talked me out of it. I don't know, hopefully they'll come up with less invasive treatment.

OP pretty well perfectly explained the symptoms. Depression that's triggered by something specific, like death of loved ones or breakups, can be every bit as painful, but tends to go away as time passes, unlike what i can only label as genetic depression. If not, at best you can hope to find ways of coping, like if you start feeling down out of nowhere, take a nap and maybe you'll have improved. Temporarily. It's better than sitting on the couch being miserable. I try to save physically demanding things for when i have the energy, and believe me 'demanding' is relative. At times it's like picking up a TV remote requires otherworldly strength.

Suicidal thoughts, yeah, it doesn't do any good to pretend it's not there. Maybe everyone has them at some point, but not a few to several times most hours every day. Yet it didn't seem worth the effort to go thru with it. I was getting nothing but praise and top grades and felt totally worthless. That's how shitty it can be. If it's this bad for you, don't listen to anyone's bullshit master theory that you need to get laid more, exercise more etc, all of which if they had any notion what it's like, they'd know to be nigh impossible for us. As if i don't know exercise and eating well are preferable behavior. My favorite is "find something you're passionate about." Hah. The very antithesis of being in a depressive state. I've seen that garbage on this forum, and heard it plenty in life. Ignore it.

In a way, even pills can exacerbate the problem, if they carry false hope that you'll quickly improve. We tend to trust doctors. They certainly don't work for everyone. This can be particular irritating when you have seemingly no reason to be constantly sad. The worst was being at a top school, knowing that i wouldn't rather be anywhere else, that everyone was so supportive, yet i wasn't improving. This was devastating as i had held out hope for like a year, just get out of high school hell and everything will be fine. I rarely talked about it, but there was no hiding it. I even had a prof just come up and ask if i'd contribute to his cognitive research, with the brain wave reading and all. I remember a birthday where i just drove away so i didn't have to put on some act that everything was fine. Yeah, birthdays were hard around age 16-20. Why celebrate something you wish never happened? Yet family would nag me to do shit, and it would be beyond cruel to tell them that. I had the same worries as you, that no one could relate. My class...some science class went and saw a show put on by this group of students who like me had mood disorders. Now, obviously, they weren't catatonic or bedridden or shit, but i still thought they were brave to do that. I began to acknowledge that this is just how i am, to find ways of working within the limitations like 3 days a week schedules, and meals that don't need much prep.

Accepting that it's not your fault and you might never be fully cured can remove a lot of the stress that comes with it. It's hard to believe nobody thought to tell me that, not my family who i found out much later has a history of depression/suicide, nor the therapists. You stop trying to fight it internally. I've gone from the point where, when it was really taking a toll (around age 16), i couldn't get out of bed for stretches that lasted days, to now i haven't had such a wasted day in years. Yeah, i have to set the alarm or i'll sleep for like 10-12 hours, and sometimes i have no appetite it seems, but by staggering my schedule and taking a short nap when i need it, and not blaming myself for it, i'm able to get by pretty well now. I put in 70 hours this week (sit on my ass work but still) and am starting grad school in the fall, which would've seemed such a fantasy a few years ago. I try to savor the moments i'm not feeling in the dumps and try to take pleasure, however fleeting, in little things, rather than party all night like most my age. I'm not afraid of losing control anymore. The suicidal thoughts themselves are fleeting and far less common now. I hope what you're experiencing isn't so relentless, but however it turns out, no, you're not alone.

[Sevilla]

If you are taking medicine to help with depression, one thing I advise (it was my biggest mistake too in not doing) is to seek for a psychologist's help too. Therapy with medication will work and hopefully with the skills you ;earn from a psychologist, you will get off the crutch (medication). Talking to a friend or a family may not be the answer, because you may be like me where praises do nothing for you. A family member or a friend will do nothing but agree with you. You NEED someone who is neutral.

[Rionel]

I don't want to sound like I know exactly how anyone in here feels, as I don't have the personal experience to do so.

But I truly do hope that everyone here that's suffering from this finds their way to feeling and living the way they should again.

To Yuri-G, Celeste, and everyone, just know everyone deserves their own happiness. I hope that offers some sort of solace.

[Celeste]

To Yuri-G, Celeste, and everyone, just know everyone deserves their own happiness. I hope that offers some sort of solace.

I appreciate that. I do, thanks. Since starting my full-time job last year, I'm slowly becoming less introverted, but honestly? My life is in tatters. I'm struggling to maintain friendships. I'm socially retarded. The latter cannot be emphasized enough. It's so bad that most regulars on this forum probably think I'm either retarded, psychotic, or some mole person who lives in mommy's basement.

I appreciate all positive comments directed at me, but I am very much so damaged goods.

[Zetanio]

Original post

I didn't read the rest of the thread yet but I know how you feel. I had issues with serious depression for a few years and managed to dig myself out without meds.

The most important thing is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. My method of "cure" was baby steps. I was very anti-social so I started attending smaller events with my few close friends. I told them all I was in a bad way and they put me in a sort of bubble for awhile in social situations. It took almost 6 months but I just took small steps and realized what made me happy/sad/excited/bored. You just need to get control. It sucks. Real bad. But you can definitely do it. Don't ever give up.

Wow, this ended up being much longer than I anticipated. Stay strong!

[Velgadess]

I had it bad but not to the point I needed meds. Typical fat gamer. Ate junk all the time and my life consisted of sleep, work, FFXI. Rinse and repeat. When I stop to think about it, fast food and FFXI was my way of dealing with it. Avoided social situations since I was way big for certain things. I never cared to change until I found I had diabetes type II. Now I am much more active, outgoing and I reversed the diabetes. No longer have it. I still game and all but no where near as much. Exercise is a great way to boost your mood.

[Zetanio]

I had it bad but not to the point I needed meds. Typical fat gamer. Ate junk all the time and my life consisted of sleep, work, FFXI. Rinse and repeat. When I stop to think about it, fast food and FFXI was my way of dealing with it. Avoided social situations since I was way big for certain things. I never cared to change until I found I had diabetes type II. Now I am much more active, outgoing and I reversed the diabetes. No longer have it. I still game and all but no where near as much. Exercise is a great way to boost your mood.

Good on you for fighting back man. I was getting close to hitting the diabetic threshold during my downward trend (see my previous post) but managed to turn things around. As much as I hate regular exercise (gym, etc) it really does help with stress relief. Even just walking on a treadmill or outside for a little while everyday.

[Thiefami]

Brother passed away about a year ago. Mother and Aunt suffered from really bad strokes, other Aunt dying of cancer and all around that time they cut my job. Not a sob story, but for the past 11 months Ive even struggled at times just getting out of bed. Life has never been peachy for me, but I can say the past year flat out sucked balls.

Things turn around sometimes, other times maybe not but I realize that life is what it is and everyone that has ever existed has experienced it. Grab bag full of shit. Horrible events years before made me realize I can no longer live in regret. This does not give me a free pass to be unapologetic about mistakes or harm that i've done or caused, but it allows me to live my life to the fullest without becoming my own worst enemy. I guess that is how I cope now. A shrug and a 'this too shall pass'. What else can you do? When I thought it couldn't get any worse it was as if I challenged fate itself.

I guess accept that outside of your own free will, most if not all, things are far beyond the realm of your control.

[Yuri-G]

I appreciate that. I do, thanks. Since starting my full-time job last year, I'm slowly becoming less introverted, but honestly? My life is in tatters. I'm struggling to maintain friendships. I'm socially retarded. The latter cannot be emphasized enough. It's so bad that most regulars on this forum probably think I'm either retarded, psychotic, or some mole person who lives in mommy's basement.

I appreciate all positive comments directed at me, but I am very much so damaged goods.

I won't get into a "I'm weirder than you are!" contest with you, but I completely understand. I was defective from the get-go. I'm not ready to share that side of my story yet though.

I'd say some cliche bullshit like "normal is overrated!" but you know what? no. maybe I'm just too weak, maybe I need to learn to love myself for who I am, but right now I feel like I'd give anything to be normal. I would kill to be one of those boring high-school-sweetheart, married-out-of-college couples with a stay-at-home mom who brings their kids to church every sunday and a white-collar working dad who never accomplishes anything more than breeding and dying happy.

of course, their lives probably aren't as sweet as they seem. dad ends up bored and cheats, mom develops a drinking habit when she finds out, daughter gets knocked up, son overdoses on the latest designer drug, everyone's all American Beauty and it's never as good as it seems. but that doesn't keep me from wanting it.

but hey. that's not me. and never will be.

update on my situation: feeling a little better. I've been on Zoloft for three days now but I hardly think that's the reason. I'm honestly a little wigged out by the sudden change in mood - although I was as bad as ever on Saturday and Sunday so it's probably just a lull. I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

anyone else take Zoloft (Sertraline)? did it work for you? I've heard good things, and it seems fairly mild as SSRIs go.

[Anton]

anyone else take Zoloft (Sertraline)? did it work for you? I've heard good things, and it seems fairly mild as SSRIs go.

Yep. Zoloft's the shit.

For me it seems to raise my base mood up a few notches - I rarely get cranky with people (not as much as I used to anyway, probably because I'm not feeling like crap all the time) - and it helps keep you stable through day-to-day bullshit. If you're depressed and you have a service job... that'd be a recipe for disaster for me without some supports.

Zoloft also staves off depressive episodes. Triggers that would usually send me wallowing to my bedroom are more often than not temporary lapses. Zoloft's not perfect though - I had two big episodes last year, both lasting about a week and a half, where it was just bad. No exercise, barely got out of bed, no energy to do anything, random appetite... basically the full meal deal.

My doctor said that it generally takes a week or two for the Zoloft to start regulating your mood, but having a drug history, I ably recognized the effects within a few days.

Word to the wise - once you're on Zoloft, you cannot go more than a day or two without a dose. There are nasty repercussions for being lax on your medication - for me, it's a massive headache/migraine thing that feels like your entire body is shut down. It comes for about a minute, and then goes. Very strange symptom. Do try to get in a dose before that happens, or at least recognize it and then fix it.

Getting off Zoloft is thankfully pretty simple - all you need to do is slowly wean yourself off the medication. From once a day to once every two, do that a few times, to once every 3-4, do that a few times, and you're off. Total time: 2-3 weeks.
It helps to have a prescription for a smaller dose to assist with the weaning, but it's not absolutely necessary.

[Yuri-G]

yeah I feel like it's affecting me as well already, and it's only been a few days. I thought I was crazy, but maybe not. it actually scared me a bit, thinking what it would feel like in three weeks or so.

thanks for the info. sounds like it was a good choice for me.

[myreality]

I'm sure a lot of people can relate to the comings and goings of depression. Which is in a way great for someone needing a shoulder to lean on.

Personal story time the simplified version:

I recently failed in a business venture due to some backstabbing from my partner and other influences. Put me in a heap of debt and no job. Had to move back in with my parents and being a 25 year old male in the U.S.. It put me in such a bad state of mind that a good friend (only one left after my crappy attitude pushed the others away) came to my house while i was away, grabbed my guns and sold them. Gave me the money and told me to get another gym membership and gym gear before i got kicked out of my mother's house. Although i couldn't talk to him for about a month after selling my gun's i came around to the idea and now am an avid gym goer. It seemed to have cleared my mind and i almost relapsed back into depression after realizing how much of an ass i have been. Once i got a job (mediocre security job) i finally started seeing the glimmer of light ahead of me. It has been slightly over a year since that time and i had to fight against falling back into that depressive state many times over. It just seems so easy to give up, almost relieving with thoughts of ending the burden i carried and gave to others. I'm not sure if i could have done it, but it was good not to have them at my bedside when reached the bottom of despair before i slept.

1 year later life got better especially my physique, although painfully slow, starting to look at some cheap apartments. Socially better, except for my dating life, deathly afraid of having to explain why i'm living with my parent's so started sabotaging anything that has the potential to start. Life got better although so much more took place to cause my mood its not something to post on the internet. Go to the gym, go outside, force yourself to hang out with friends, find one willing to listen without judgement or their 101 ways of getting better. Life is hard can get harder, but can also turn around with time. Maybe i got lucky because of my friend and family.

I can say that it is most definitively 2 years i would willingly erase from my memory.

[myreality]

Double post but has helped me a bit just by reading.

http://www.depressionforums.org/

http://www.suicidegrief.com/

If anyone needs extra help.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ + 1-800-273-TALK

Can say it can be anonymous (Prevent recorded records) and can get you through the rest of the day.

[Yuri-G]

I'm sure a lot of people can relate to the comings and goings of depression. Which is in a way great for someone needing a shoulder to lean on.

Personal story time the simplified version:

I recently failed in a business venture due to some backstabbing from my partner and other influences. Put me in a heap of debt and no job. Had to move back in with my parents and being a 25 year old male in the U.S.. It put me in such a bad state of mind that a good friend (only one left after my crappy attitude pushed the others away) came to my house while i was away, grabbed my guns and sold them. Gave me the money and told me to get another gym membership and gym gear before i got kicked out of my mother's house. Although i couldn't talk to him for about a month after selling my gun's i came around to the idea and now am an avid gym goer. It seemed to have cleared my mind and i almost relapsed back into depression after realizing how much of an ass i have been. Once i got a job (mediocre security job) i finally started seeing the glimmer of light ahead of me. It has been slightly over a year since that time and i had to fight against falling back into that depressive state many times over. It just seems so easy to give up, almost relieving with thoughts of ending the burden i carried and gave to others. I'm not sure if i could have done it, but it was good not to have them at my bedside when reached the bottom of despair before i slept.

1 year later life got better especially my physique, although painfully slow, starting to look at some cheap apartments. Socially better, except for my dating life, deathly afraid of having to explain why i'm living with my parent's so started sabotaging anything that has the potential to start. Life got better although so much more took place to cause my mood its not something to post on the internet. Go to the gym, go outside, force yourself to hang out with friends, find one willing to listen without judgement or their 101 ways of getting better. Life is hard can get harder, but can also turn around with time. Maybe i got lucky because of my friend and family.

I can say that it is most definitively 2 years i would willingly erase from my memory.

friends and family are pretty much everything in a situation like this. I can't even fathom trying to get through this without the people who support me. glad things are turning around, I hope it keeps up. and you'd be surprised how many people will be understanding about your stiuation (i.e. don't give up on dating!) and take that from someone who knows. the first time I told an HIV-negative guy that I was HIV-positive and he was like "so?" I was blown away... and that's a lot worse than living with your parents. although it does help to date people who are a little older, because the older we get, the more accepting we are of each other's imperfections (and the more desperate we are lol)

[myreality]

friends and family are pretty much everything in a situation like this. I can't even fathom trying to get through this without the people who support me. glad things are turning around, I hope it keeps up. and you'd be surprised how many people will be understanding about your stiuation (i.e. don't give up on dating!) and take that from someone who knows. the first time I told an HIV-negative guy that I was HIV-positive and he was like "so?" I was blown away... and that's a lot worse than living with your parents. although it does help to date people who are a little older, because the older we get, the more accepting we are of each other's imperfections (and the more desperate we are lol)

I sure hope so, everyone time i get confronted with a girl interested in me i turn emotionless which puts them off. As with most things, it will take time.