Coping and Moving on. How do you do it?

[Thiefami]

She cheats on you and accuses you of holding her back. Now you are really considering having a sitting down with this whore to see what YOU could have done better? She's blaming you for everything that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Saddest part isn't the failed relationship, but that you're believing her. Take Stigs advice it's pretty solid. In the meantime sit down and have a talk with yourself on how you deserve better than a lying, cheating bitch.

[Brill Weave]

If you have confidence issues talking to the bitch that banged another guy while being with you isn't going to help. Holy shit. Am I being trolled? Sep? Is this for real?

[Dimmauk]

Seriously, look at what we are posting. Wake the fuck up. Stop being a bitch.

[Manako]

I agree, screw her and her feelings. Whatever she has to say will have little to no bearing on any future relationship. Send her parents a note in the mail thanking them, and leave it at that. She has no right to feel empowered and that's the only thing I could see coming out of your discussion. She doesn't seem worth getting back with at any point in time.

Just take a break, and learn to get comfortable with yourself. I thing cooking class is more worthwhile than dance classes though but yeah, get a hobby and just deal with stuff as they come. Personally my suggestion would be to try to actually date people, not fall in with whoever happens to show up next. Get to know who you are, and what you want instead of trying to think about how to work best with whoever is next. Maybe you will be fortunate and the next person will be perfect, but at least thinking about what you want will give you better perspective.

[ikariiiii]

people should chill on calling OP a bitch, everyone has feelings and especially when youre in a relationship, sometimes that shit just becomes illogical and unjustifiable but you still have them.

that being said, just move on. she cheated on you. don't even give her the chance to say whatever the fuck she wants to say, cause it will just make you feel more like shit, and the whole "i just want to know WHY" won't really happen. she'll give you some half-hearted response that really doesn't satisfy what you're looking for, and no matter how good she was, just know that she's trash now and will probably just do it to some other guy in the future.

good luck, bud.

[Greatguardian]

OP is just asking for trouble. Not because the posters here all really think he's a bitch, but mainly because everyone who EVER asks BG for relationship advice shows up, gets good advice, and then soundly ignores all of it and comes back and starts talking about how much worse off they are because they were too caught up in feelings to take the good advice.

Seriously, OP. I sincerely hope you learn from the mistakes of everyone else who has ever posted one or more of these threads. But you won't, because that's just how this sort of thing works. Anyone distressed enough to make a relationship thread on BG is clearly not in the right state of mind to actually listen to good advice. So, to cut through the red tape, I'll just say I'm sorry and it sucks. Feel better.

[Sepukku]

If you have confidence issues talking to the bitch that banged another guy while being with you isn't going to help. Holy shit. Am I being trolled? Sep? Is this for real?

I don't know man, this dude seems like a legit pussy. I was more than willing to give him the "go watch some sports, take up a second hobby with your free time, clean out the inside of your car now that you got more energy/time free to you" thing, but he seems to want to make this more painful on himself.

[RandomJoe]

Dimmauk I'm quite a good listener and this is very helpful. My comments are below

Brill- Always a work in progress Brill, but yea you're right. good advice man. I really appreciate it. You've had a way with words over the years haha.

Sep- I certainly don't think it will help me to get over things faster if i talk to them, but it certainly does make me sad that they have to be a casualty in all of this. But yea, its totally her fault.

Theif- She wasn't blaming me for holding her back, but she was certainly afraid of being held back, and used cheating as an easy way out. If her fear drove her to do what she did I certainly can't bear the burden for it. Hell, I even worked with her on a number of occasions and gave her the opportunity to ameliorate it. In her twisted mind she cheated SO that i would fuck off.. which is really doubly manipulative and despicable. She said it herself that she's the one that needs the help. Thanks for helping me see that. I've definitely been as best as a could be to her, and deserve better.

At the moment i'm struggling with the 'leave my shit on the porch' approach, but I'll probably end up doing it. I see no reason why not to. Maybe she'll see what she's missing, but no skin off my back if he doesn't. I'm definitely not going to try and win her over actively, screw that.

Manako - Thanks. Its subtle and she'll get no pleasure from it. I like it. I agree. I need to see my friends, try some new things, date (eventually), etc. Please understand that I have absolutely no intention of getting into another long term serious relationship with someone who doesn't fit my strict criteria, but I see no problem in dating around in hopes of finding that someone. I feel like outside of BG there aren't too many Socially Liberal / Fiscal Moderate / Atheists around though, so it will certainly be a challenge! Maybe i'll join or start skeptics club? If anyone knows of any in the dc metro area holla.

I really thank you guys for your feedback thus far.

Another question. Would you treat a shorter term relationship any difference than a longer term relationship? aka is there any chance this is too harsh based on our long term experiences together or should i really just "fuck it, you did it and you really meant it. live with it!"?

[oldoldman]

Remaining friends does not work, this isn't Seinfeld. Delete her number, ship her her shit and unsubcribe from her posts on Facebook. Go have fun with friends, get shitfaced a bunch of times and sleep with a couple slump busters. Here's the sad dirty truth about your girlfriend, she didn't love you. She didn't fear commitment, she feared commitment with you. Girls are ALWAYS willing to make the sacrifice for the right guy. You just weren't the right guy, cut that shit clean.

Edit: Maybe a little harsh on the no love part but it is my express belief that girls that pull this kind of shit truly don't ever love the person.

[Thiefami]

I was thinking of doing a 'life lessons learned' kind of exercise.

At this point any of her dealings with you is out of pure entertainment. After this 'exercise' she will call her friends and laughs will be had.

[Brill Weave]

Another question. Would you treat a shorter term relationship any difference than a longer term relationship? aka is there any chance this is too harsh based on our long term experiences together or should i really just "fuck it, you did it and you really meant it. live with it!"?

Dude. She cheated on you. After years of being together. After all the awesome fun experiences you had together. She pissed on that. Take a step back and think about that. Do you REALLY think YOU'RE being too harsh on her? The fact that you're even asking that question makes me believe you're going to crack like an egg if you come face to face with her. Don't mean to be harsh man, but that's what I'm picking up on.

[Dimmauk]

Dimmauk I'm quite a good listener and this is very helpful. My comments are below

Brill- Always a work in progress Brill, but yea you're right. good advice man. I really appreciate it. You've had a way with words over the years haha.

Sep- I certainly don't think it will help me to get over things faster if i talk to them, but it certainly does make me sad that they have to be a casualty in all of this. But yea, its totally her fault.

Theif- She wasn't blaming me for holding her back, but she was certainly afraid of being held back, and used cheating as an easy way out. If her fear drove her to do what she did I certainly can't bear the burden for it. Hell, I even worked with her on a number of occasions and gave her the opportunity to ameliorate it. In her twisted mind she cheated SO that i would fuck off.. which is really doubly manipulative and despicable. She said it herself that she's the one that needs the help. Thanks for helping me see that. I've definitely been as best as a could be to her, and deserve better.

At the moment i'm struggling with the 'leave my shit on the porch' approach, but I'll probably end up doing it. I see no reason why not to. Maybe she'll see what she's missing, but no skin off my back if he doesn't. I'm definitely not going to try and win her over actively, screw that.

Manako - Thanks. Its subtle and she'll get no pleasure from it. I like it. I agree. I need to see my friends, try some new things, date (eventually), etc. Please understand that I have absolutely no intention of getting into another long term serious relationship with someone who doesn't fit my strict criteria, but I see no problem in dating around in hopes of finding that someone. I feel like outside of BG there aren't too many Socially Liberal / Fiscal Moderate / Atheists around though, so it will certainly be a challenge! Maybe i'll join or start skeptics club? If anyone knows of any in the dc metro area holla.

I really thank you guys for your feedback thus far.

Another question. Would you treat a shorter term relationship any difference than a longer term relationship? aka is there any chance this is too harsh based on our long term experiences together or should i really just "fuck it, you did it and you really meant it. live with it!"?

Calling you a bitch was mostly a slap in the face in hopes that you wake-up and realize what she did. You should be pissed.

[RandomJoe]

OP is just asking for trouble. Not because the posters here all really think he's a bitch, but mainly because everyone who EVER asks BG for relationship advice shows up, gets good advice, and then soundly ignores all of it and comes back and starts talking about how much worse off they are because they were too caught up in feelings to take the good advice.

Seriously, OP. I sincerely hope you learn from the mistakes of everyone else who has ever posted one or more of these threads. But you won't, because that's just how this sort of thing works. Anyone distressed enough to make a relationship thread on BG is clearly not in the right state of mind to actually listen to good advice. So, to cut through the red tape, I'll just say I'm sorry and it sucks. Feel better.

Its all good if i come off as a bitch and I expect the criticism. Its a product of the axiety of this experience and sadness. Emotions fuck with you man. I have full intention of taking most of this advice and bettering myself. It is logical, well conceived, and in-line with reality and I'll come back better. Challenge-fucking accepted.

My friends are finishing at work. I'll bro it out with them later. I've read BG every day for years and I know how smart people here are. I wouldn't make a thread if I didn't think I needed some coaching by experienced people who aren't tripping sad-sack balls. So no, I'm not a desperate loser who is going to whine that everyone here is wrong.

[bluefan]

I'm with Brill.

Bitch cheated on you. There's nothing to be said than a curt hello, give back her stuff and farewell accompanied by the double bird.

[Ksandra]

people should chill on calling OP a bitch

@ OP as others have said the best thing to do is to cut off all contact. Don't answer texts, don't answer the phone or emails, and for fuck's sake don't talk to her parents. Do you even know if they know why the break up happened? (I may have missed this) You're just asking for trouble and a keyed car if you end up sitting down and they find out their daughter is a cheater.

Anecdote, in graduate school years ago I had a serious relationship with a guy who ended up cheating on me. I did the cut him off plan, and trust me it sucked balls but was 100000000x better than if I had hung around him. Especially because the guy was an idiot and "couldn't decide" between the two of us (like I'd give him the option ). I was miserable for like 6 months but got over it. There's no doubt in my mind if I had tried to do the friends thing I would have been miserable a lot longer, and may have done things I would have regretted later on.

Funny thing was maybe about two years later he emailed me again hoping to hang out. I agreed. At that point I was way over him and just starting my relationship with my now husband. It was actually good to see him, I thought to myself, "was I actually totally into this guy before?" I was able to look at him objectively instead of with puppy love filling my eyes. And I realized, he definitely wasn't the one for me even outside of the whole cheating thing. He wanted to try and date again because the girl he had hooked up with ended up cheating on him (yes that was extremely satisfying to hear lmao). He was pretty hurt that I would only agree to be friends, and kept trying to convince me not to date my future husband lol.

Really goes to show that what are thought to be really shitty situations can often happen for the best.

[Dimmauk]

If you are man enough to make this thread. Then you are man enough to shut this chick down.

[Sepukku]

Dude. She cheated on you. After years of being together. After all the awesome fun experiences you had together. She pissed on that. Take a step back and think about that. Do you REALLY think YOU'RE being too harsh on her? The fact that you're even asking that question makes me believe you're going to crack like an egg if you come face to face with her. Don't mean to be harsh man, but that's what I'm picking up on.

She probably did her cute, little post sex giggle when the guy said something trying to be funny; you know, the giggle you always loved. Brill's brutally right, over 2.5 years you surely amassed a ton of amazing, positive, warming memories and in spite of all those cherishable memories she got sweaty with some dude and he busted his nut deep in her - with a condom, maybe. Maybe not. Maybe even without a condom and then she went back and fucked you 36 hours later cause she was lying about it being a one time thing. Heck, if the stars aligned, she might even have taken a load or two in the mouth and then kissed you the next day.

Spoiler: show

Are you mad enough yet to man-up and tell this childish harlot to get the fuck out of your life and slam the door in her face?

[Brill Weave]

Fuck me lmao

[Brill Weave]

He's either pissed off or getting the razor blade.

[Sepukku]

Another trick, that I personally have never tried cause I've only been in two relationships of more than 2-3 months in my life, but have seen work, is to be combative and disrespectful to provoke the same response from your new ex. Say shit to her and be angry and flip her off as she walks out with her shit, but she'll yell and scream too then and you won't be worrying anymore about "figuring out what YOU did wrong". I would imagine going this route would lead to some regret later about what you did/said to provoke, but were necessary to complete the larger objective of making the first cut (contact) as cleanly and quickly as possible so you could start working on the second cut (emotions).