Coping and Moving on. How do you do it?

[Yugl]

FINAL FANTASY XI

[Churchill]

She likely had sex with the other dude because there's no good way for her to admit to you she views you as dead weight for her career - she's likely alluded to it, but it makes her feel bad so she takes the blame from something she's ashamed of and tried to make you be the one to say oh hell no bitch. I wouldn't take it personally, in fact, at least she thinks you have the self respect to not tolerate that shit.

That, and long distance always ends like that.

[Naggi]

My last bloke and I were in a long-distance relationship due to his moving for a job. After about a year the cracks started to show and I needed far more support, affection and reassurance than he could (or was willing) to give. I was honest about how I felt throughout (which probably contributed massively to the breakdown of the relationship). Difference here is that I didn't and wouldn't have cheated. I would suggest that you don't bother trying to maintain dialogue with her. It sounds like she has been resistant to a committed relationship right from the start, which means the problem lies with her and not you - there's not really anything you can learn from this other than to avoid commitment-phobes like the plague.

That, and long distance always ends like that.

(For the most part), this. Never doing long-distance again unless it's under exceptional circumstances.

I am my wife's rebound. She thought I was cute and just wanted to use me to get over her last boyfriend and after our first date we have been together since. 11 years this February with a 3 month old son. Rebounds can work. I think whether or not you end up with someone is more dependent on how compatible the both of you are with each other and less to do with circumstance.

The guy who was one of my best friends and, for the last 2 years has given me the comfort and reassurance I often need, is now my boyfriend. We went out several years ago but were both too immature to really make something of it. Something feels different about this time.

[RandomJoe]

Nah I'm here just being mad, bro.

Churchill's analysis is spot on. It Makes it a little less meaningful to get in her face and say 'Ah hell no' when its what she wanted anyways.

[Manako]

Thats why a clean break is smart, it avoids being trapped by her, and its definetly not harsh.

My anecdote... is pretty horrid. I dated a guy for the first 2.5 years of college, moving in together after the first year. He didn't treat me well, but we were young and stupid and it took me falling for someone else to realize that this wasn't a relationship I wanted to be in. I was going to break up with him at the the end of the semester, which was in 8 weeks (I realize in retrospect this is horrible.) He asks me if I'm breaking up with him 2-3 weeks before the end of semester and I can't lie -- yes I am. He freaks out and goes and buys nice new clothes and flowers, writes a poem and begs me to get back with him. This is where we could have screwed up but I was smart/guilty enough to be firm about saying NO, and making a clean break. Last I heard from him he had a good job, new car his own apartment and was dating someone else. He also had started eating sushi which pissed me off because he refused to try new foods with me.

Oh, and more current less shitty anecdote. I ended up staying in the area after I graduated because my fiance is a year younger than me, and I didn't want long distance. I was horrified at the thought that I would get a job in say, New York City, and he would get a job in Boston after he graduated and that it wouldn't work out. We've been together 5 years now, been through me not having a job, him not getting paid by his job and a house fire. Now everything is awesome definetly worth the wait.

[Naggi]

...it took me falling for someone else to realize that this wasn't a relationship I wanted to be in.

Same here. Bingo!

Last I heard from him he had a good job, new car his own apartment and was dating someone else. He also had started eating sushi which pissed me off because he refused to try new foods with me.

That would piss me off too, but it may have been a consequence of learning from the mistakes he made whilst with you. I have the (possibly erroneous) belief that younger men (and women) are more capable of learning from the relationship mistakes they've made. Having said this, if they've been stubborn all their lives, they're not going to change a damn thing by their 30s. I don't believe older guys can change!

Glad to read you're obviously much happier with someone else

[RandomJoe]

She likely had sex with the other dude because there's no good way for her to admit to you she views you as dead weight for her career - she's likely alluded to it, but it makes her feel bad so she takes the blame from something she's ashamed of and tried to make you be the one to say oh hell no bitch. I wouldn't take it personally, in fact, at least she thinks you have the self respect to not tolerate that shit.

That, and long distance always ends like that.

This is pretty much this. This is what's clouding my judgement really.

[Heavencloud]

This is pretty much this. This is what's clouding my judgement really.

So, as we've said, do NOT meet with her. I know (because it was similar with my first GF) that you want to say a lot of stupid shit. I've been there. Because it was such a long relationship and you had great feelings for her you'll say some of the stupidest shit ever. DONT DO IT! Ship her shit or w/e and be done with it.

You're 24, there are tons of girls who want a guy with a stable job and aren't focused on being selfish bitches. I know that right now this is hard to see because you thought she was "the one." Trust me, you'll find better.

Take a few months off from bitches and enjoy freedom.

[RandomJoe]

K when she asks I'm telling her to leave the shit at the front door (I don't have any of her shit that isn't in the trash or gifts that are actually useful), and be done with it.

I'm typically the type to address shit up-front. You guys make it seem like this is the kind of situation where if its avoidable, don't bother. It sounds like this is the best way to get the healing process started, and this shit in the back of my mind.


Thanks all.

[Mizango]

Yeah, if she is already fucking other dudes then that should be a big enough tell that she is done. Random needs to move on asap. I suggest a slump buster confidence builder.

Ok first off take some fucking time off man. Don't go jumping right back into the dating scene. Take a break. You won't be able to devote yourself entirely to meeting a new girl while you're still wrapped around this one. Secondly. DO NOT , I REPEAT, DO NOT meet to talk about or understand her feelings or what you could have done differently. Fuck that noise. She's the one that fucked another guy. She fucked you over. Not vice versa. You shouldn't give a flying fuck what the hell she feels. Your meeting should consist of giving her shit back to her and then leaving. Do not put yourself through the wringer on this.

Long story short, fuck her. Figuratively not literally. And take a break. Hang out with your boys. Get shit faced, play some Call of Duty and watch porn. Then when you stop thinking about this inconsiderate cunt every day consider reentering the dating pool.

Real talk x 2

[Silviya]

Clean break with no/minimal contact is the way to go. It's still going to suck, but in the long run you'll be happy you did it that way. Chalk it up to an over-all good learning/growing experience and move on to the next one.

[Celeste]

Clean break with no/minimal contact is the way to go. It's still going to suck, but in the long run you'll be happy you did it that way. Chalk it up to an over-all good learning/growing experience and move on to the next one.

This, really. Cannot stress this enough.

[Titanss]

Heck, if the stars aligned, she might even have taken a load or two in the mouth and then kissed you the next day.

this come from experience?

[Titanss]

not hating, probably has happened to us all

[RandomJoe]

So i have my options. I'm ready and willing to do both. My bro's in the real life think i'd be perfectly justified in telling her to fuck off eat shit and die when she drops my stuff off tomorrow. I can also tell her to leave it on the porch.

Here's the thing though. Given that I don't think she realizes entirely what she just threw away, and how reprehensible her shit was. I'm very very fucking tempted to do the whole door slam thing so she feels the fucking non-repenting rage of losing a lover, friend and, partner all at once. Its straight fucking bullshit for her to even TRY to justify it to herself and I think she needs to feel the human impact one last time.

That is what i was struggling with. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of an angry reaction because she 'had no way to way to tell me i was deadweight', and that 'She thinks I have the self-respect to not tolerate that this'. Bullshit. She HAD a way to tell me and that way to fucking tell ME. Regardless how calculated she wants to be there is no justification for not being a straight good person. She was afraid of confronting me face to face because she was afraid to even discuss the issue with me (I have said to do so in the past if it comes to it). That in and of itself is the biggest fucking lack of respect anyone can show to another partner. She loved me in the present but not enough to make a long-term commitment, and if that's what you define love by (oldoldman) (and i will in the future), then there just was no love.

[Thiefami]

So i have my options. I'm ready and willing to do both. My bro's in the real life think i'd be perfectly justified in telling her to fuck off eat shit and die when she drops my stuff off tomorrow. I can also tell her to leave it on the porch.

Here's the thing though. Given that I don't think she realizes entirely what she just threw away, and how reprehensible her shit was. I'm very very fucking tempted to do the whole door slam thing so she feels the fucking non-repenting rage of losing a lover, friend and, partner all at once. Its straight fucking bullshit for her to even TRY to justify it to herself and I think she needs to feel the human impact one last time.

That is what i was struggling with. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of an angry reaction because she 'had no way to way to tell me i was deadweight', and that 'She thinks I have the self-respect to not tolerate that this'. Bullshit. She HAD a way to tell me and that way to fucking tell ME. Regardless how calculated she wants to be there is no justification for not being a straight good person. She was afraid of confronting me face to face because she was afraid to even discuss the issue with me (I have said to do so in the past if it comes to it). That in and of itself is the biggest fucking lack of respect anyone can show to another partner. She loved me in the present but not enough to make a long-term commitment, and if that's what you define love by (oldoldman) (and i will in the future), then there just was no love.

a girl who makes you feel like shit by blaming you for being dead weight on her nonexistent career, and then sucks&fucks another guy behind your back AND THEN tells you that she sucked&fucked another guy, knows exactly what she's throwing away. It's easier to stop giving her the satisfaction of a response. I know this is hard, but trust me you will be better off for it. No door slamming, no anger, no tears. Show her absolutely nothing and make yourself as scarce as humanly possible. Again, you are nothing more than entertainment to her at this point. She sounds like a dramatic bitch, and she's eating this drama shit up at your expense.

[Roranora]

Yeah, at the very least, -maybe- you can pull off a 'calm' angry and articulate a few slams while showing her or yourself the door out. You'd have to be concise and prob witty to go for it. And like peeps have said, get it over with and don't give her anything out of it. Forget that bitch, grit through the varying duration of pain, and move on. You know, you will be better off from almost any past relationship if you weren't the one crazy out-of-line (and you weren't) and you can healthily get over her. Better man, personally, professional, sexually, etc. It all comes with it.

[RandomJoe]

I know for a fact she's suffering like hell as well. Nonetheless I texted her: 'leave my stuff on the porch. This is goodbye.' Thanks for the help BG. I'll keep my head up and ignore any bullshit for a long-ass time. Now for the hard part.

[Fodder]

There is nothing to talk about, when she arrives, calmly open the door, accept your things, say thank you, goodbye, calmly close the door, delete phone/email/etc, block all calls from her, and follow the rest of the sound advice that has been given here.

The wrong one just made you available to the right one.

[bluefan]

I know for a fact she's suffering like hell as well. Nonetheless I texted her: 'leave my stuff on the porch. This is goodbye.' Thanks for the help BG. I'll keep my head up and ignore any bullshit for a long-ass time. Now for the hard part.

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