Coping and Moving on. How do you do it?

[vagus]

I know for a fact she's suffering like hell as well. Nonetheless I texted her: 'leave my stuff on the porch. This is goodbye.' Thanks for the help BG. I'll keep my head up and ignore any bullshit for a long-ass time. Now for the hard part.

She told you she fucked another guy. This relationship is over. Plain & simple. Delete her # from your cell phone, unfriend her on twitter/facebook/g+/myspace. Don't even think you're at fault here, as SHE was the one that decided to cheat on YOU.

Hit the gym, dive into work or some project to keep your mind off the situation. The pain will pass. If you have close friends, get the boys together and go out and have a night on the town. Go to a pub, have a few drinks and unwind. Fuck a 'Ho and shit will fine in a few weeks.

[The Stig]

Sorry, this should've been in my earlier post, and no one said it yet!

A pic of this girl would actually augment our discussions/advice given to you here.

But yeah, you're now going into the right approach. Moving swiftly onto Step 2!

[Richybear]

Sorry to hear about that, Cal.
Hopefully the exchange of your/her stuff will go off without a hitch and you'll be able to move on.
The quicker the better.
The whole "one last fling" etc shit doesn't work. It just gives her more time with you to scheme how to drag you along some more.
I mean, you could always donkey punch her or something, but the laughs with your bros afterwards only last so long for it.

[Churchill]

It's perfectly okay to act civil, get your belongings, etc.

If she tries to talk to explain herself, it's to make herself feel better about what she's doing and it's mostly going to be excuses anyway - not real truths. Just let her know you're not interested in hearing it, you know she threw you away for her career (can even throw in a "because you're weak" if you feel inclined). That's going to hurt her more because she'll dwell on the fact she's a bad person and wasn't able to convince the only relevant person in this situation that she isn't bad.

[Hyan]

She told you she fucked another guy. This relationship is over. Plain & simple. Delete her # from your cell phone, unfriend her on twitter/facebook/g+/myspace. Don't even think you're at fault here, as SHE was the one that decided to cheat on YOU.

She is an idiot for acting so childishly, but I doubt that the relationship wasn't without it's problems beforehand. Maybe there were issues and no communication about them which led to this.

[RandomJoe]

This post is probably just all babble, but yea I'm not seeing her again and yes, It was over when she did what she did.

When she called to tell me she did it I think we had a long enough conversation for me to get the "you're weak" shit out of the way. And she recognized it. She never got a bout of 'fuck you's' (combination of being at work and pure shock/sadness). I don't feel like I made her feel miserable enough, but I don't think its worth it at this point. She's probably healing just fine because that's the type of heartless cunt she is, and its obvious she wasn't as invested as I was. I probably should have taken the hint a couple months ago when she said some really insecure selfish shit about 'being ok' (in a healing/recovery sense) if we were to ever break up. I chalked it up to drunken insecurities and it very may well have been, but fuck I could have killed it there. She's was very convincing that it was just a show of insecurity thing.

When she told me I got the story, probably said some stupid shit as suggested by other posters, and the why. I was shocked, saddened, and all kinds of things at once and doing the recommended thing and hanging up immediately just was not on the table. I wanted an explanation. She totally said it was her and not me and that she needed help. I'm sure her parent's think she's a dumbass. Her mom's a psychologist, and smart, and certainly won't approve. but whatever man.

I took her tampons and girl bathroom shit and set it outside. threw a picture of us in there hoping to make her feel like shit. If she leaves a note or other bullshit with my things i'll probably share it with my bros for a good laugh. Maybe I'll share the other lovey-dovey shit with them and we can burn it together. I wouldn't mind her seeing pictures of her shit burning. That'll hit her home and let me let me get some rage out.

She was a relatively tall red-head. a little thick in the middle (fluctuated) beautiful face (by my standards), and awesome ass, and the titties were nothing to call home about. No nudes, or at least they're deleted (I actually respected the bitch enough to delete them when she would send them..after a good fap). If there are any others I'd have to look long and hard for them and I'd rather not have her dad after me with lawyers (He's quite rich and could afford it).

But yea I'm thinking a rage-quit weekend with the bro's could prove positive. Not ready to dink and party yet. Gotta build my confidence up again for that, but yea. I'll get there.

Do you guys have any recommended sites or books for confidence building? Yes, I find I have issues from time to time and would love to get back to feeling like the man I should be. I'm not looking for game-playing shit. It's not my thing and I'd rather do non-bar or e-dating where I don't have to come on overly strong and be someone I'm not. I just want be myself, and I feel like I've lost a bit of that.

Richy- I haven't played Cal in some time (sold it), but i have a character on Fenrir these days. Cobit/Rhaegar. Hit me up if you want to chill. I'll probably be taking some time off to better myself and get into other things lately. No one last flings for me.

Hyan - The only communication issue was her fear to confront her systemic problem in a respectable manner. We thrived so long because we communicated about everything, This was on her. This was, quite seriously, out of the fucking blue. This bitch was affectionate as hell up until she cheated.

[Jeryhn]

You don't need a self-help book or whatever for confidence. A lack of confidence likely coincides with an inability to independently cope. Yeah, your bros are there for you. Cool - but let me tell you, that will get real old, real quick. For them, at least.

So you're looking for a distraction. Great, but don't put it all on your bros, you don't build self-esteem by garnering the support of friends to get yourself through tough times. My advice would be to make yourself a list of things you need to accomplish, or things you always meant to do but put off because you were too busy sending kissy emote faces to the cheating bitch. Here are a few examples:

- Getting in better shape, joining a gym or fitness club. Or even taking a kickboxing class or whatever.
- Finishing that art project you've always had in the back of your mind.
- Getting that mythic weapon in FFXI finished.
- Going back to school, learning something new or useful. Even if its just a CPR class or even a beer-brewing class (yes, those classes exist).
- Pursue activities you don't associate with the lost relationship. Did you walk in a local park with her often? Go somewhere else, or take a spontaneous trip out of your normal range.
- Some other activity or experience that you may feel will make you more well-rounded as a human being, etc.

Let's be real - bitches take time, and the time they take is out of your life. Now that she's gone, you need something to fill the hole, and you don't know what to fill it with. Thus, a lack or knowing what to do with yourself, leading to a perceived lack of self-confidence. Fill it instead with something designed to better yourself and only yourself, and your anger/rage/shock will subside into numbness. You may well realize soon enough that the relationship was dragging you down as much as it did her - and you'll become more confident as a result of attaining that knowledge.

[Churchill]

If you're good looking then bitches will smell the breakup and the pussy will come to you.

[Titanss]

He isn't going to take any of your advice. In the end he is going to do what he wants either way. She holds all the cards right now, all he is holding is his dick

[Churchill]

I stopped worrying about what women do a long time ago lol. I wouldn't say it doesn't effect me or my relationships negatively, but I also don't spend any amount of time feeling like shit when a relationship is over.

[Dimmauk]

Like I said, he needs to fuck some slump busters to get the eye of the tiger back.

[RandomJoe]

You made some good points Jeryhn. Thanks! I definitely plan to fill some of those gaps. You're definitely right about 'em.

I'll see about the slump busting hoes lol.

[Sepukku]

- Getting in better shape, joining a gym or fitness club. Or even taking a kickboxing class or whatever.
- Finishing that art project you've always had in the back of your mind.
- Getting that mythic weapon in FFXI finished.
- Going back to school, learning something new or useful. Even if its just a CPR class or even a beer-brewing class (yes, those classes exist).

Let's be real - bitches take time, and the time they take is out of your life. Now that she's gone, you need something to fill the hole, and you don't know what to fill it with. Thus, a lack or knowing what to do with yourself, leading to a perceived lack of self-confidence. Fill it instead with something designed to better yourself and only yourself, and your anger/rage/shock will subside into numbness. You may well realize soon enough that the relationship was dragging you down as much as it did her - and you'll become more confident as a result of attaining that knowledge.

All good advice. I've always wanted to learn another language for myself, but everytime I communicate that, my girlfriend is like "awww we should learn one together and it can be our little code language" and I think in my head "FUCK NO! I WANT TO DO THIS FOR ME." Her wanting to do it with me makes me no longer want to do it as much. So try any of those suggestions from Jeryhn, or try learning a new language. Just do SOMETHING for -YOU-.

Also - who the hell deletes nudes? My phone and external HD are full of them; I hand my phone to someone to show them a picture I warn them not to scroll left or right to the next/previous picture. I'd estimate in the 100 picture range and I have 8 videos (videos on laptop only). Granted I don't go around slapping them up all over the internet, but I have them retained for personal reminiscing and enjoyment.

[Jeryhn]

American Sign Language is actually a pretty good venue in terms of languages to learn, and oftentimes makes you vastly more valuable in any job where you need to make face-to-face contact with any kind of clientele.

Plus, its easy as fuck and chicks dig it when you sign something sexy to them (in an amused sort of way).

[RandomJoe]

Holy fucking shit her best friend texted me saying (paraphrase) 'everything happens for a reason'. Talk about trollbait.

[bluefan]

Holy fucking shit her best friend texted me saying (paraphrase) 'everything happens for a reason'. Talk about trollbait.

"Yes it does. I just realized now's the time to come out of the closet."

Do it. You know you want to.

[RandomJoe]

lol, nah. she said 'I hear what happened with gf and you means''everything happens for a reason...''nicer stuff' I think that's girl talk for her siding w/ my g/f and trying to console her.

Totally not worth a response. I don't need a liaison to my ex. Gotta say though its annoying as fuck for anyone to use that kind of logic.

[Greatguardian]

Not worth a response is the correct answer. And it's less siding, and more proof that your ex isn't really broken up at all. She's just been having a good laugh with the girls talking about how much of a pussy you are and how broken up you must be over losing a shining star like her.

He who cares the least wins. The only correct response is to ignore it and to simply be fine.

Edit: The moral of this post is that, no, you do not 'know for a fact that your ex is broken up inside'. No, she is not actually upset. Yes, she will act it out in front of you but this is mostly for your benefit and because she's cruel. You need to stop treating her like she's weak. She's not. She's taking this all in stride. You're not.

She hasn't lost a damn thing. She has, in her view, gained from this. Understand that before anything else. Understand that any weakness she feigns in front of you is just a way for her to stroke her ego. Understand that she does not give a shit about you. So grieve all you want. Cry, be upset, you have plenty of reason to be. Just don't do it in front of her. Don't show it to her. Don't let it reach her in any way. Because then she gets the satisfaction of "knowing" that she was amazing enough to warrant all that heartbreak from you.

[Dimmauk]

lol, nah. she said 'I hear what happened with gf and you means''everything happens for a reason...''nicer stuff' I think that's girl talk for her siding w/ my g/f and trying to console her.

Totally not worth a response. I don't need a liaison to my ex. Gotta say though its annoying as fuck for anyone to use that kind of logic.

Your reply should have been "Wanna Fuck?"

[kisada]

OP: it sounds like you're on the right track as far as getting over it, but it also sounds like you're still somewhat emotional and would like to get the last word in. the thing is, and i don't know if you realize it, you've done almost everything you need to. you just need to finalize the process and move on.

as enjoyable as it might be to add onto it and as much as she might deserve it, i suggest that you don't respond to any attempts of hers or her friends to rebuke you. the moment you engage either of them you will be more likely to be pulled back in to whatever drama you just got yourself out of. and if this happens then it gives her a chance to feel better about herself, or worse, vindicate herself for the things she did wrong. this is why her friend sent you a message in the first place: she wants to make you feel like you were the one in the wrong.

from what i can tell you didn't do anything wrong. you didn't cheat on her, you didn't beat her (i hope), and from everything you've said the worst you've done is become uninteresting to her. think about that versus what she's done to you. by re-engaging her it gives her a chance to vindicate herself of all those things she's done wrong and to make you feel like you were the one who botched things. but she doesn't even deserve it a sliver of light from you, let alone a chance at redemption.

you may not feel it yet, or perhaps you do, but there is a certain level of pride and confidence you just earned because you ended things cleanly and on your own terms. and later on in life you'll be able to say "yeah, i got screwed and instead of falling back into the trap and getting back with someone who screwed me, i was the one who closed it out." going back on that will destroy all of that forever and you will never be able to feel good about it.

do yourself a favor and ignore anything that comes from her friend or even her. it might be tempting to respond, but the words from the peanut gallery are meaningless and should be looked at as such.


you also asked about some material to look through. a while ago a "dating guru" released this huge video series on mindsets and psychology. it goes through a diverse range of topics, and though i wasn't watching it for a lack of self-confidence, i found it to be very interesting and insightful with respect to that and other things. it would probably be great for someone who is looking to rethink where they are at and would probably benefit you a lot. i never finished it and some of it is a little kooky but it was positively recommended to me. the series is mantra by david deangelo.