Coping and Moving on. How do you do it?

[RandomJoe]

Hey guys. Been a member for a long-ass time (pre-big kills yo). I don't post much but i'm going through a rough one and I was thinking you guys might be able to show someone down the logical path for 'getting better' after a break-up. I can sauce you on the details (nudies deleted and i'm not a hateful dick) if you put out. So if you can get past that read-on

So I just broke up with my girlfriend after a 2.5yr relationship. I was ready to move in with her and all that jazz so it was super serious. Heart-broken and i feel like shit.

I was curious for those who have experienced similar things..how to best move on in life and make the best of things? Should i seek to distract myself, or address any outstanding concerns or issues? Does a combination of both work best? It's crazy but i still feel a strong desire to be in a relationship, and am really missing that feeling of companionship already.

I've thought about trying new things, meeting new people, and doing some things I've held back on...though i feel like i should only do it for myself and not for any future lady-friends.

I'm a working man (i know, rare) so leaving work today realizing that i have to come in and perform the next day has hit me square in the face. The ex is coming to town tomorrow and we're probably going to have our final talk and figure out where we stand from there. It's definitely over though so no make-up sex for this one, but i want to tie up loose ends and lingering questions.

I was thinking of doing a 'life lessons learned' kind of exercise. Again this is all new to me so any advice you guys have on moving on and making things better I'd really appreciate. I'm 24 and this was my first real relationship to give you some context.


Thanks in advance

[Sepukku]

http://i47.tinypic.com/vhfgw5.jpg

Google Ads always has the answer.

No, but seriously, you're going to be hurting for awhile. I've semi-broken up a couple times in the past with my GF of now 4 years (started when I was 19, now am 23) and it was excruciating being apart from her for even a week.

[The Stig]

Try this:

_~_~_~__~_~~_~_~_~_~

You can smell it coming. Your paramour has left an ominous message on your voicemail. S/he wants to talk. Perhaps you have been invited to meet him somewhere public. Maybe she's cancelled a date, and is meeting you at your place instead. But you're not an idiot and you can anticipate what's next: your ass is about to get dumped. C'est la vie.

Here is your foolproof guide to navigating your breakup. Follow these simple directions and I can guarantee a minimum of stress and heartbreak. If you desire, this technique will ensure your probability of reconciliation is maximized. Want her back? Listen well:

1. On the day you get the news, listen very calmly. Say as little as possible. You will probably hear some BS like, "It's not you - it's me" or "I just need some space for a while" or "let's still be friends"... blah blah blah. Do not argue. Accept everything s/he says. S/he may become emotional. Make no move to comfort him or her. When s/he has finished, do not linger. Say goodbye and leave. If you are in your own home, show him or her the door. A chaste hug is OK, but under NO circumstances should you offer or accept a goodbye kiss, a final quickie, or any of that shit. If you're at a restaurant, do not hang around to split the tab: guys - pay the bill and leave. Ladies - just bail. There is no need to be sterile or brusque, by all means be courteous and kind. Understanding even. But wait until your (now) ex is out of earshot to cry like a bitch.

If you get the news over the phone (ouch), the same rules apply. Just hang up.

If you get a voice/email message, DO NOT respond. Chances are a relationship that ends electronically can't be salvaged, but don't make things worse by taking the bait.

2. The bad news is, this is the hard part. The good news is, this is the part of the Ultimate Guide to Breakups over which you have the most control. It is the centerpiece of the method, and your stamina during this phase will determine your success later on. Want the secret? Here is is:

DO NOTHING.

At first you will be sad. Possibly very sad. Get out of the house. Distract yourself. Hang out with your friends - preferably the ones your ex doesn't know too well, because s/he will be checking up on you. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you contact your ex. For anything.

Chances are after a few days s/he will contact you, "just to see how you're doing." Do not respond. Let it go to voicemail. Don't call back. Delete the email. It's that simple. It'll be hard, but hang in there. Don't let your curiosity get the best of you. You are under no obligation to respond to someone who has kicked you to the curb.

Maybe you've been together for a while and s/he has left personal items in your home. This is the only circumstance under which it's ok to respond. Wait at least 24 hours before you reply. Tell your ex that you will FedEx his/her stuff. Pay for the fastest method you can afford. If s/he insists upon picking it up, leave it someplace safe and make sure you're NOT there when s/he arrives. Make your interaction courteous and brief. Get off the phone as quickly as possible.

If you do not receive a call within a month, you probably won't get a call until s/he drunk dials you many years from now. Move on.

The sooner s/he calls you after dumping you, however, the better your chances are for reconciliation. Again, do not call back. Stay tough. You are now in control of the situation.

3. The sooner the first post-breakup call comes, the more calls/texts/emails you will likely receive. DO NOT RESPOND to any of them... yet. In these modern times you may also be privy to his/her evocative facebook updates, blog posts, reality TV show episodes, whathaveyou. Make no contact. If you absolutely must be in the same place at the same time, try to look fit and happy and surrounded yourself with people s/he doesn't know.

Right around this time (unless you were dumped for someone else) your ex is beginning to experience the downside of singleness. S/he may be feeling lonely and horny, and start wondering if s/he made the right choice. That is exactly what you want. Let him/her fucking stew in it. Your patience will be rewarded.

4. By now, your ex is curious about you. Maybe s/he's even been seeing some new people. But the fact that you have made a clean break with such poise will be a blow to the ego. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. S/he will be thinking, "Was I really so easy to get over?" and "Gee - maybe it really WAS me." If you've done this right, you will receive a call (or email) inviting you to "hang out." Perhaps the tone will be casual, perhaps it will be desperate. Either way, congratulations for getting this far. The ball is now in your court.

5. Proceed carefully from here. Eagerness could lead to a booty call, but little more. Ask yourself: what do I want? If you want to resume a relationship, wait 48-72 hours before responding. Say you're unavailable at the time your ex suggests, but recommend another meeting time at least a week in the future. You name the place. From here on out, everything is on your terms.

6. Let nature take its course. If your ex is ready to give it another shot, s/he will be dressed like it's a first date. If the sexual tension is palpable, you may choose to knock boots and sort out the details in the sticky afterglow. If you can contain yourself, feign trepidation and ask him/her to meet you again - also in a place you select. Build anticipation. Make him/her work for it. If executed correctly, your ex will be so grateful to have you back s/he will be on his/her very best behavior, possibly for years to come.

7. Repeat as necessary.

[Ragnus]

Can't really add much to what The Stig wrote.

Just watch out for rebounding onto someone else if you two don't get back together. It's crazy what you see in people in an effort to try and fill the emotional gap and it almost never works out the way you think it will at the time.

[Byrthnoth]

8. Genuinely move on and find someone that's lower maintenance.



Pick up a new hobby or two that force you to socialize outside of your normal circles. Do you know how to swing dance? Is there a swing dance class in your area? Learn how to swing dance. etc.
* You'll become a more interesting person.
* You'll meet new chicks/people.
The hard part is making yourself want to do it, but faking it until you make it works too. Nike it up and Just Do It.

[Brill Weave]

Step #1 is great advice. Period. Especially if you have no desire to get back with the chick. Because the fact that you didn't question why this was happening or even seemed to care is going to drive her batshit insane. I've done this. It's hilarious.

[Heavencloud]

I would avoid that "talk" at all costs, unless you reallly want that. It's not going to change anything or be of any value.

[Brill Weave]

Why was the breakup initiated?

[RandomJoe]

Thanks for the info thus far.

I spoke with her over the phone for about an hour. She was supposed to come home today from graduation but is stewing alone. A little more detail... We've been dating and doing long distance on and off as she goes to school (always in a relationship). We've gone to Paris together and really never had any major problems except one. her fear of commitment. At the end of it all she is afraid that I will hold her back and keep her from achieving her life goals, and is unwilling to sacrifice anything to be with someone and grow as a couple. This is after i offer her flexibility, security, and the like. I know you might be thinking 'This guy is just a puppy dog'. It was never like that and I understood that some sacrifices must be made in order to grow with someone. Its a very mature approach and I was confident it wouldn't have been a problem. I'm in the real world with a real job, she's still in school with four years of med school remaining. It made sense that i took the initiative to move in with her and support her life goals while doing the best to pursue my own in hopes that we can pursue them together to the fullest extent as a couple.

I found out she cheated on me with a new friend of her's when she told me this morning (single incident). Ironically it was just after I softened my stance on guy friends. She used it merely as a device to deter me from pursuing her stating that she was afraid to confront me again on the issue and pursue a more mutual breakup. I wish she had done it that way because then perhaps there would have been an easier way to game her, but unfortunately, she very clearly wants to push me away, and i frankly am disgusted that she would have the tenacity to do that instead of confronting it face first (Are all women like this? Like i said first relationship and she only failed on the big issues like this).

My current plan is to meet with her, understand her feelings, see what i could have done differently, and to move on. I don't forsee myself being in close contact with her because I think about her fucking other dudes and i don't need that. I'm going to create an account on match in a couple weeks and search there (I have a friend who met someone awesome there), but I also think i'm going to get out and into some other things that I enjoy doing. I truly want companionship, but i think i need to breathe a little first. I'm going to read the 'Manvotional' book to help me get my confidence back up, and do my best to rally. Like 50% of the population i'm prone to anxiety so i'll do my best to handle that and perhaps gain some new perspective. I guess i'm at a high point right now..... but all this sounds about right, yea?

[Naggi]

Edit: I evidently didn't see the explanatory post above...

[oldoldman]

Okay, this is how it goes, You get an orangutan. I'm not talking about a little monkey or some dancing chimp bullshit, I mean a ******* orangutan. Don't ask me how you're gonna get a ******* orangutan, because that's not my problem. So the orangutan's name is Clyde. This is non-negotiable; all orangutans are named Clyde. I don't know why that is, it's just how the world works. So you and Clyde become man (and ape) about town. You're seen everywhere together, you make the scene. You and friends go out in big groups. You talk loud, you laugh louder. Every time you say something witty, you high-five the orangutan. The town begins to buzz. It gets back to her. "Did you know the guy with the orangutan?", "You used to date the guy with the orangutan?", "Why would you break up with the guy with an orangutan?" Next thing you know, she's calling.

"I'm hoping we can still be friends. Wanna hang out sometime?" "Geez, I dunno: me and Clyde were going to go to a monster truck race tonight (orangutans love monster trucks). In fact, the whole social calendar seems kinda full. I tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll make a little note (what was your name again?) and maybe I can squeeze you in." "Oh, well, you know my number so dont be a stra--", "Hey, look at the time! I gotta skate, Clyde's making mojitoes."

At this point the upper hand is yours. You can let her twist in the wind, you can draw her back into your life at the pace you decide. Whatever, it's your life. But if you're a smart man? You slowly phase her back in. You're IM-ing. You're talking on Live. You get invited to family functions. You bring Clyde, he becomes like one of the family. You're one big Brady Bunch.

[RandomJoe]

Heavencloud

Why in particular? The talk is really for my own purposes, and to gain assurance that it is really the right thing to do. She's bringing my shit over and everything. I want to reflect with her on some nuances of the past couple weeks to verify if she was being an 'honest' person to me about her feelings and the like. It's also a chance to just reflect, remind her what she's throwing away, and decide where we stand for now. If she even wants to try and be friends down the road she'll have to describe every inch of her dick sucking escapades. The act of cheating isn't really what sets me off, though the fact that she stooped that low certainly has the desired effect.

I was also close with her parents and I'm going to need to call them and thank them for everything. They're truly good people and I'm thankful for what they've done for me.

[zoobernut]

I take it that she was the one who initiated the break-up? My last relationship fizzled out but it was still a huge shock to the system when it was finally over, and I didn't fully come to terms with it for several weeks. It's normally inadvisable to jump into a new relationship before you're over the old one, but I guess it just depends... sometimes rebounds turn out to be 'forever'.

I am my wife's rebound. She thought I was cute and just wanted to use me to get over her last boyfriend and after our first date we have been together since. 11 years this February with a 3 month old son. Rebounds can work. I think whether or not you end up with someone is more dependent on how compatible the both of you are with each other and less to do with circumstance.

[Dimmauk]

Yeah, if she is already fucking other dudes then that should be a big enough tell that she is done. Random needs to move on asap. I suggest a slump buster confidence builder.

[Conrad]

hit her with a water bottle

[Dimmauk]

Heavencloud

Why in particular? The talk is really for my own purposes, and to gain assurance that it is really the right thing to do. She's bringing my shit over and everything. I want to reflect with her on some nuances of the past couple weeks to verify if she was being an 'honest' person to me about her feelings and the like. It's also a chance to just reflect, remind her what she's throwing away, and decide where we stand for now. If she even wants to try and be friends down the road she'll have to describe every inch of her dick sucking escapades. The act of cheating isn't really what sets me off, though the fact that she stooped that low certainly has the desired effect.

I was also close with her parents and I'm going to need to call them and thank them for everything. They're truly good people and I'm thankful for what they've done for me.

Omg, why drag this drama out? What are you expecting her parents to say? Talk about awkward.

[Anoat]

Sorry to hear this happened to you dude, but honestly, if she cheated on you (and you were always faithful), then fuck her feelings, you have carte blanche to be a dick to her because cheating bitches deserve any and all shit they get.

[RandomJoe]

Omg, why drag this drama out? What are you expecting her parents to say? Talk about awkward.

I don't really care what they think. Its more of a 'Thanks for spending thousands of dollars on me I like you guys as people, and I wish it didn't have to come to this. I probably won't be seeing you in the future, at least for a good while' kind of thing. Things are only awkward if you make them awkward and I have no intent to. I see your point though. Does this only make sense to me? lol

[Brill Weave]

Ok first off take some fucking time off man. Don't go jumping right back into the dating scene. Take a break. You won't be able to devote yourself entirely to meeting a new girl while you're still wrapped around this one. Secondly. DO NOT , I REPEAT, DO NOT meet to talk about or understand her feelings or what you could have done differently. Fuck that noise. She's the one that fucked another guy. She fucked you over. Not vice versa. You shouldn't give a flying fuck what the hell she feels. Your meeting should consist of giving her shit back to her and then leaving. Do not put yourself through the wringer on this.

Long story short, fuck her. Figuratively not literally. And take a break. Hang out with your boys. Get shit faced, play some Call of Duty and watch porn. Then when you stop thinking about this inconsiderate cunt every day consider reentering the dating pool.

[Sepukku]

Yeah shes being porked by other dudes, "gaining assurance this is the right thing to do" ended awhile ago. Also don't fucking call her parents LOL even if they were good people.