Domestic Violence Help

[Aristio]

Keeping the story short.

Friend got pregnant by another friend of mine. About a month ago, starts showing signs that he's insecure. Gotten really bad that she is not allowed to leave the house, call any friends, or take a walk by herself.

I offered her to stay with me for a little bit until she can find somewhere else to live besides with him. She refused because she didn't want to start any trouble for my family and I. She's maybe two or three months pregnant.

What can I do? Should I do anything at all?

[Zetanio]

I hate to ask but where's the violence?

[Aristio]

Maybe I titled the thread wrong. I couldn't find a better word for it, but, he's threatening her when he's drunk (Slitting throat and shit) and over controlling.

Edit: Just worried about her and the child's safety. But to the point, anything I can or should do?

[Tricen]

Talk to the guy? You said he was your friend. If he doesn't listen, then shit man, it's her and his life. If she doesn't want to seek help then there's nothing you can really do.

[Aristio]

Tried talking to him of course, but seems she's silly enough to stay with him and he's silly enough to not sober up. Thanks anyhow.

[bechyni]

Nothing you can really do then if you've talked to both parties. If she's dumb enough not to leave after being threatened like that several times and the other situations you said then it's on her.

[Kohan]

What can I do? Should I do anything at all?

If I were you, I would have her sit down and read this while she's in your company:

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-ab...eing-abused-2/

Beyond that, I would be more of a hard-ass with the guy, but I'm like that. He's your friend, right? How much of a friend is he? If you know him well, don't be as much of a puss as the average acquaintance. Just saying "hey, man, you shouldn't drink so much" isn't really giving a shit. Be blunt with him. Tell him that he could be ruining an innocent kid's life, not to mention his own and that of his woman. Tell him that this drunkenness and the likely inevitable drunk driving could end in death, or jail. Tell him that threatening her could end in the same.

Maybe he'll listen. Maybe he'll tell you to go fuck yourself. If the latter happens and the relationship grows cold, oh well. You're not exactly losing touch with a winner.

If you don't know him well enough to feel comfortable doing that, but you're closer to the chick, just keep telling her to get out. Maybe, if you're lucky, and if she's smart, she'll learn to listen one day.

[Cream Soda]

Good luck with your friend. In the end, it'll be her own choice and if she has the will power to leave the guy. Definitely listen to Kohan's post. If there's any chance, something like that will help push in the right direction.

Other than that, it'll be a lesson learned... too late

[Nevex]

Not getting involved in her business is the best thing you can do for her.

[Cream Soda]

Not getting involved in her business is the best thing you can do for her.

no

[Apelila]

I'm confused. Someone should be hit with a water bottle, but which one? I don't have an answer.

People sometimes resist help because they don't realize the situation is as bad as it is. Make it clear that the offer to stay with you is open, but don't push. <insert everything Kohan said here>

[Brill Weave]

Can't force her to recognize the situation for what it is.

[SephYuyX]

IF ONLY THERE WAS A PHONE NUMBER TO REPORT VIOLENCE AND GET A RESTRAINING ORDER

[jmc]

IF ONLY THERE WAS A PHONE NUMBER TO REPORT VIOLENCE AND GET A RESTRAINING ORDER

If no physical signs of abuse, it's really up to the victim at this point.

As for the OP's female friend, I'd try to get her in contact with a local woman's shelter, or your local police department domestic violence unit.

[isladar]

It's easy to play armchair quarterback or absolve yourself from getting involved in a situation like this because

it'll be her own choice and if she has the will power to leave the guy

In circumstances of abuse it's not the victim's choice. Who would sit in an abusive relationship and just take it? Almost everyone. "It would never happen to me" comes out of almost every victim's mouth. Victims of abuse do not have the context to understand their situation. They've been put in a place where their abuser has defined the terms of everything, and literally cannot understand what seems obvious to people who aren't experiencing it. It's not simply a question of willpower.

The fact that she'd turn down a safe place to stay with you because she "doesn't want to cause trouble" says that she's been devalued enough by this guy's actions that she feels like she deserves it. She thinks she is the one who's fucking up, who's causing his behavior. It doesn't mean she's hopeless, it means she needs a lot of help to get the strength to accept a helping hand. Keep in mind also it often takes multiple tries for victims to leave abusers, especially if there are children involved.

What can you do? Start reading and educate yourself on not only her particular circumstance but abusive situations in general. Talk to her friends. Everyone has probably noticed something but it's really easy to sit back and declare it not your business, either from reticence about breaking social mores or from denial that it's happening. If you can, (and make the effort if you can't right now), talk to her family. A lot of times abusers, during their honeymoon phase, will get the victim to cut off contact with their support. Her family is probably concerned, if not frightened. Talk to your friends. Tell them what you think is going on, especially if they know this guy too.

Also: he has threatened to SLIT HER THROAT. CALL THE POLICE. This doesn't have to be for the purpose of filing criminal charges. Ask them for resources, for steps on what to do next, for suggestions. But do your part and make the police aware of this guy's name. This can be a dangerous circumstance; if the police take action, often abusers will take it out on their victims, but sometimes it's the only way to get the ball rolling.

From one of the articles below:

If you feel she's in immediate danger: If he's physically hurt her or threatened to kill her, experts urge you to call the police -- yes, even if she objects. "You may think, I'll risk losing her as a friend, but it's better to do that and keep her alive," says Jill Murray, a psychotherapist who has testified before Congress on dating violence issues. "You can tell her, 'What he's doing is illegal. This is not my rule; this is the law.'"

Here's some quick info so you can start learning about what's going on:
The Cycle of Abuse - a handy chart
Domestic Violence and Abuse - information much like Kohan's link
Women's Shelters - shelters by state
How to help a friend who is being abused - exactly what it says.
Safety Planning - Victims need a PLAN to get out. They're frightened, vulnerable, and often have no idea what to do because their lives have been controlled by the abusive partner. Help your friend plan.
More tips for being the friend in this circumstance - What to say/do, what not to say/do
Even more tips for helping friends in abusive relationships

Also, there is a hotline: (800) 799-SAFE. Call them and talk to them about the situation. They are trained for this.


[Note: I'm going to clean up the joking / bullshit responses in this thread. This is not the fucking place.]

[Manako]

I'm not sure what is supposed to be done in these kind of situations. I believe my sister is being non-violently abused by her husband, but I don't think there is anything I can do until she wants help.

He constantly talks down to her, and refuses to entertain any of her family (either at home or through visiting) -- he tells her that our parents don't love her as much as our half-sister. My dad lost his job and was unemployed and then had a crappy job for 2-3 years so it was understandable that he could not pay for our weddings -- apparently it isn't understandable for them and her husband uses it as a point to alienate her. He doesn't like her talking to her family on the phone and will be disruptive, she normally only calls when he is away. He repremands her for sending gifts to our birth mother and granparents on the holidays -- she shouldn't waste money on them. Finally, he pressured her to get a second job because she couldn't afford to pay her fair share, but then constantly buys ATVs and such off craigslist, including a boat. She constantly complains about how broke they are that she has to take a second job at dunkin donuts and somehow it makes sense to buy a boat, which then needs $1000 in repairs.

Most recently my father has gotten a new, better job, up near her but still owns a house thousands of miles away. This means that he was living in a space provided by the company, and this past month needed to find a new place to stay, he offered my sister money to live in their spare room., which my sister and her husband got upset about his "intrusion" They told him he could stay for 2 months. After a month he moved out into some dudes spare room which he isn't currently enjoying but was better than staying with my sister. My sister calls me up, she should be happy? NO! how terrible he moved into a dumpy place, he shouldn't have moved out and she feels horrible. Its like what could she expect? I can only hope that perhaps it would open her eyes.

Like at first I have to say to myself, perhaps this is what she wants? maybe its just her, and she's happy. Part of the situation is certainly her responsibility, she wants to be with him and lets him behave in that manner. My parents are upset and have gone so far as to tell her what they think, where I on the other hand try to be supportive -- in fear that she would stop talking to the family all together.

[isladar]

Manako, browse through the links I posted above. Abuse isn't limited to black eyes. It can also sometimes take years for people to get out of abusive circumstances. Be there for your sister, support her, but definitely read up to learn what else you can do to help.

[Manako]

Manako, browse through the links I posted above. Abuse isn't limited to black eyes. It can also sometimes take years for people to get out of abusive circumstances. Be there for your sister, support her, but definitely read up to learn what else you can do to help.

Thanks I am was posting at the same time as you.

[jmc]

It's easy to play armchair quarterback or absolve yourself from getting involved in a situation like this because



In circumstances of abuse it's not the victim's choice. Who would sit in an abusive relationship and just take it? Almost everyone. "It would never happen to me" comes out of almost every victim's mouth. Victims of abuse do not have the context to understand their situation. They've been put in a place where their abuser has defined the terms of everything, and literally cannot understand what seems obvious to people who aren't experiencing it. It's not simply a question of willpower.

The fact that she'd turn down a safe place to stay with you because she "doesn't want to cause trouble" says that she's been devalued enough by this guy's actions that she feels like she deserves it. She thinks she is the one who's fucking up, who's causing his behavior. It doesn't mean she's hopeless, it means she needs a lot of help to get the strength to accept a helping hand. Keep in mind also it often takes multiple tries for victims to leave abusers, especially if there are children involved.

What can you do? Start reading and educate yourself on not only her particular circumstance but abusive situations in general. Talk to her friends. Everyone has probably noticed something but it's really easy to sit back and declare it not your business, either from reticence about breaking social mores or from denial that it's happening. If you can, (and make the effort if you can't right now), talk to her family. A lot of times abusers, during their honeymoon phase, will get the victim to cut off contact with their support. Her family is probably concerned, if not frightened. Talk to your friends. Tell them what you think is going on, especially if they know this guy too.

Also: he has threatened to SLIT HER THROAT. CALL THE POLICE. This doesn't have to be for the purpose of filing criminal charges. Ask them for resources, for steps on what to do next, for suggestions. But do your part and make the police aware of this guy's name. This can be a dangerous circumstance; if the police take action, often abusers will take it out on their victims, but sometimes it's the only way to get the ball rolling.

From one of the articles below:



Here's some quick info so you can start learning about what's going on:
The Cycle of Abuse - a handy chart
Domestic Violence and Abuse - information much like Kohan's link
Women's Shelters - shelters by state
How to help a friend who is being abused - exactly what it says.
Safety Planning - Victims need a PLAN to get out. They're frightened, vulnerable, and often have no idea what to do because their lives have been controlled by the abusive partner. Help your friend plan.
More tips for being the friend in this circumstance - What to say/do, what not to say/do
Even more tips for helping friends in abusive relationships

Also, there is a hotline: (800) 799-SAFE. Call them and talk to them about the situation. They are trained for this.


[Note: I'm going to clean up the joking / bullshit responses in this thread. This is not the fucking place.]

Great post right here! I'll be keeping this information, nice job isla

[Haiko]

Man the fuck up and talk to your guy friend..that shit not right