Domestic Violence Help

[Churchill]

I feel a lot of times people are very quick to claim the woman is a victim, and ignore any extenuating circumstances that caused the relationship to approach the place that it's in.

Sure, his actions are his actions, he is at fault for them. On that same breath, you can't simply say her actions are not her own, she is a victim. The two feed off each other in a sense - no man who has ever seen another man in the mindset of an abuser, abusing someone, no man has ever said "Damn, good job buddy your shit is perfectly normal and wired tight!".

Guy is probably severely messed up since now he has a kid and we all know that shit fucking sucks, especially if your own shit isn't squared away. Doesn't take long to go from normal to weekday episodes of COPS.

The only advice I'll give is be careful taking her away, people in your male friends state of mind aren't exactly thinking logically, and he may think you two are fucking rather than removing her from a volatile environment. It would be better to let the police or his family handle it, preferably without the law unless you let him get so far gone that becomes your only option.

[Omnipotent]

IF any of my friends did that shit, and I knew it was going on and he said idgaf, I would fuck his shit up. My friends would do the same thing to me, tough love. Tell your boy to man up. If any of my friends get caught with a cigarette, or ever hit a girl, it's an unwritten rule in our friendship that the other friends kick his ass for being so dumb. None of your business? This is what friends are for, and family, make this shit right.

[isladar]

Churchill, I don't know if you looked through some of the links posted (it's mentioned in what Kohan provided as well as what I did), but neither the OP nor anyone in the OP's situation is going to "take her away". You can't "take her away". She's not a suitcase. She's a human being who has to make the decision to leave on her own. Unfortunately her capacity to make that decision will have been systematically degraded by being in an abusive relationship -- which is why there are so many resources out there to try to help people leave abusive relationships.

She is in a relationship with an abusive person. She is being abused. She is a victim of abuse. If your objecting to referring to her as a victim/the victim/&c., please know that I used that terminology in my post because I didn't want to write out everything assuming the sex of the circumstance. Everything I wrote applies to men in abusive relationships.

I'm not sure what point you're trying to make with 'extenuating circumstances'; the only cause of the relationship being abusive is her partner being abusive.

[Melena]

Similar situation with one of my friends back in high school. Got knocked up by the end of the year, moved in with him, got to the point she couldn't leave his trailer home (yes, he was a proud redneck in the fucking bay area), and it took about 5 months of physical and psychological abuse and us constantly telling her she's going to get hurt or worse before it finally sunk in. There is no quick fix, and chances are both sides are going to be retarded during the entire process. Just be supportive but firm and hope you don't hear them mentioned on the ten o'clock news.

[Churchill]

I think you're taking the actual words I used too literally. It's 8am. Of course she's not a suitcase, she's in a binder.

If you're going to make an effort to help her get out of the situation, etc. You stand to incur someones wrath who clearly isn't thinking logically. I think the rest of the post is more about taking a step back and realizing this guy can probably be helped but he's not going to get there on his own.

[Ayn]

Great resources, thanks Isa.

Victims of abuse do not have the context to understand their situation

Very true. Also from my understanding (and some of the stuff I have to teach), being in an abusive relationship has a way of eroding someone's self-concept to nothing and distorting their perception to the point of this crap just continuing.

I hope the OP's friend is able to get out of the situation, really.

[Apelila]

I'd say that "Be careful not to get to involved" is sound advice. They're both friends so it will make it hard, but don't get so involved that it screws with your life. Be VERY careful in that regard, since it sounds like one of them is crazy and could direct that crazy at you or your family.

[StareDownTheBarrel]

As someone who has gone through domestic violence, I have to say that the isolation is usually the first step. My ex used it in such a way that I didn't even realize I was being manipulated. "I think we should spend some time working on us, and your family is slightly hindering our ability to come into our own." Some BS that sounds like it may actually be viable. Naturally you think, okay, I suppose that's understandable. Then it just starts to tumble downhill.

Isolation -> expressing intense anger freely -> verbal abuse -> small isolated physical contact (pushing, grabbing a little too hard followed by apologies and "I'll never do it again" -> Increased physical harm (more pushing, slapping, etc) -> every outburst is physical. Those were the steps that made his pattern. People used to warn me but I was so hypnotized that I saw nothing wrong with anything until code red came and he had his hands wrapped around my throat for 2 minutes. I was almost sure I was going to die that day.

If you care, you'll step in. Regardless of how she'll feel about you afterward. Most women in this situation are too stupid to see what's right in front of them. Look at Isla and Kohan's resources and help her out.

[tyven]

Some one is gonna feel really bad when that baby is found dead in a trunk next year and if all could have been prevented had my post not been deleted

[archibaldcrane]

Yeah this is some overzealous modding, tryven and I give sound advice!

[Kohan]

The rest of the post I've quoted this from is not irrelevant, but I wanted to emphasize this:

If you care, you'll step in.

If these people matter enough to you, don't let it go. You've likely heard tales in the news about people who suffered severe abuse, died, and then after the fact, everyone questioned said, "I didn't see it coming." Those people didn't care enough. They didn't see it coming because they didn't pay attention to those people. As for the people who did care about them, if there were any, they obviously turned away.

Now, I'm not vilifying everyone who doesn't care that much. If you want to wash your hands of it, you can. I am not the type of person who would, and I haven't, and I have been threatened with death before. Someone also actually tried to kill me as a result of my reporting part of their family to the police. That sort of shit happens when you live in a bad neighborhood and don't accept "business as usual."

I'm not saying that your situation will get that dire, but if you feel these people are worth it, demonstrate it. Don't let this shit slide.

If you do not feel you're that close, but you do know some of their closer relations (e.g., closer friends, family, etc.), I would advise informing them, at least, and not failing to stress the severity of the situation.

[Furionstormrage]

If you care about this girl, man up and get her out of that situation before it elevates (and it almost always does).

Before you question my "posting is one thing, acting is harder", I've been in similar situations with friends twice, and I don't regret stepping in and getting them out of a bad situation.

One friend of mine was threatening his girlfriend and it was rumored he'd hit her (she's also a friend), I called him on it, when he admitted to it and told me to mind my own business I decked him and got us kicked out of Gelato Amare. I talked to her, she ended the relationship, she's now happily married and he's been to jail twice for abusing women. (Obviously I dropped all ties with him back then.)

Another friend who had a bad temper got angry with his girlfriend (again, also a friend) and actually punched through a window to get to her when they were fighting. I convinced her to get away from him, he obviously was pissed at me, I put him in his place, and again now she's very happy and last I heard he was a drunk living somewhere in Louisiana.

I'm not saying I saved those girl's lives or anything dramatic like that, but I can sleep peacefully at night knowing I stepped in and helped my friends when they needed it and possibly saved them from a bad situation.

[Hatedregret]

Yeah I love coming into this thread and reading how the big strong men had to defend the poor helpless women after coming from the http://www.bluegartr.com/threads/113...nds-on-a-woman thread.

[Aristio]

Yeah I love coming into this thread and reading how the big strong men had to defend the poor helpless women after coming from the http://www.bluegartr.com/threads/113...nds-on-a-woman thread.

If you're comparing a provocative woman from that thread, to a women who is being abused; then I just don't know how to respond to that.

Edit: Thanks a lot Isla, I read a bunch of those links you posted. I'll decide what's the best I'll be able to do but it turns out my wife already called the police on him (Turns out he slapped her) so they already have a note on him. I've tried talking to him before but it's more of "mind your own business" with him.

[Abandon]

Yeah I love coming into this thread and reading how the big strong men had to defend the poor helpless women after coming from the http://www.bluegartr.com/threads/113...nds-on-a-woman thread.

I tried to put a positive spin to your response, but all I could think of is... you're an idiot.

[Cesaria]

Great resources, thanks Isa.



Very true. Also from my understanding (and some of the stuff I have to teach), being in an abusive relationship has a way of eroding someone's self-concept to nothing and distorting their perception to the point of this crap just continuing.

I hope the OP's friend is able to get out of the situation, really.

Biggest thing I'd say (been there myself) is to keep the friendship and lines of communication with her open. Like someone else mentioned - the first thing that happens is that you get gradually and very insidiously isolated from your friends, family - anyone who basically is likely to tell you the guy's an asshole and what's going on is wrong. Once you've lost that safety net, and that includes the self-confidence and self-esteem - basically any of the tools you're likely to have to be able to stand up for yourself and walk away from the situation - then you're really trapped and it's much harder to remove either yourself or the abuser from the situation (which is how I ended up) - because it's not as if you have anyone to call or anywhere to go (or that's how it feels) and after all - who's gonna want you anyway?!

[isladar]

Edit: Thanks a lot Isla, I read a bunch of those links you posted. I'll decide what's the best I'll be able to do but it turns out my wife already called the police on him (Turns out he slapped her) so they already have a note on him. I've tried talking to him before but it's more of "mind your own business" with him.

Thanks for coming back to report, Aristio. Props to the missus for calling the police. Don't stop, because his behavior won't.

Keep in mind you'll have plenty of time to reach out to him to talk once he's not abusing your friend. I don't know that having a powerpoint is going to be too helpful at this stage, it's not like you can finish out with "And that's why you shouldn't hit people and threaten to slit their throats!" and he'll go "Oh wow, I didn't know!" He needs help, yes, but right now she's being hit, threatened, intimidated, and terrorized by his behavior. Be there for her.

BE PATIENT, but ready to act. Work on an exit plan with her if you can.

[Qalbert]

I tried to put a positive spin to your response, but all I could think of is... you're an idiot.

wait wait wait, I got this.

Yeah I love coming into this thread and reading how the big strong men had to defend the poor helpless women after coming from the http://www.bluegartr.com/threads/113...nds-on-a-woman thread.

You're positively retarded.

[AidenCarby]

There's a difference moron. If a bitch is asking for it, then yea she needs to get choked(just like any man out there looking to get his ass kicked). In this case, she's just being outright locked down. If she was a full on cunt slapping him, spitting on him and being a bitch 24/7, then it wouldn't be an issue as they're both abusing each other.

[The Blackrose]

Yeah I love coming into this thread and reading how the big strong men had to defend the poor helpless women after coming from the http://www.bluegartr.com/threads/113...nds-on-a-woman thread.

There is a vast, vast difference between uppercutting a hoodrat and a classic case of domestic abuse. Utterly retarded statement right there.