Domestic Violence Help

[Xajii]

Two things I've learned from this thread:

1. There needs to be a lot more education about abusiveness, how to handle it, and how victim's minds function or do not function under it. All trolling posts aside, the level of boneheadedness from some people in here (all males, unsurprisingly) is astounding.

2. BG should probably figure out whether it wants to let people fuck around or not. I understand the seriousness of the subject matter elicits a much different reaction to "shit posting" than other threads, but considering what I've seen allowed in other threads, I'm pretty surprised at the result here. We've had threads where about 50 "fucking fatties" posts, plenty of racism, sexism, and all the rest right here in GD. It's kind of what half of BG does. If the OP themselves were being abused, I might understand, but they elected to bring the discussion here. If I ever posted a serious concern I would be prepared for some legitimate and some trolling responses.

[archibaldcrane]

It doesn't really bother me if some threads are designated "serious business" threads...just as someone who likes to have fun and shoot from the hip it's helpful to know ahead of time - or at least when the modding occurs. I literally thought I forgot to hit submit on my first deleted post, since there was no indication that the thread was being modded otherwise. Just a "deleted offtopic posts" post or whatever to let us know it's being modded is helpful, since it happens so infrequently in GD. If the OP was the person being abused (or the abuser), I think the tenor of the comments would've been a little different.

[Guitarman]

It's really so hard to understand when it's appropriate to joke around and troll and when it's not? There's nothing funny about domestic violence. A video of a woman acting like an idiot and getting uppercut for it is one thing, someone who believes their friend is in real danger is a completely different story. It's a little strange that such a basic understanding of social interactions is difficult to grasp.

[BaneTheBrawler]

I think a fine example of BG being a good forum is the depression thread. Maybe it got deleted before I saw it, but I don't recall ever seeing any trolling/negativity in there, and what minor criticisms i did see were all phrased respectfully and in keeping with the helpful tone of the thread.

I think the "If the OP is a douchenozzle and/or idiot, its fair game" rule of thumb is a fairly good one, especially with issues that have direct consequences on the people discussing them. It's fine to shitpost a political thread, because aside from making people angry, there's not really a lot of RL repercussions. The depression thread has stayed so respectful, I think, because people realize that in that context their words have a chance to do very real, serious harm to fellow human beings- which is something all of us, regardless of our views, don't want to do. I guess domestic violence isn't as clear-cut an issue as depression, given the problems this thread has had, but in my mind this thread also has the dangerous potential to do real harm to the people posting in it. I mean, think about it: why would anyone stay in an abusive relationship? It's not because they're stupid- even idiots know to pull their hand out of the fire. It's because they either don't recognize what's going on, or because they somehow depend on the relationship. These people are psychologically vulnerable. They are also often fighting depression- something this board clearly recognizes as serious.

With these types of threads, I evaluate the tone of the OP- is it serious? Is the person being an ass? Is it a real problem? If the tone is serious, the OP isn't an ass, and it's a real problem, I treat it like I would treat any of the threads on my Crohn's support group forum: Respectfully, honestly, and carefully. You never know how someone is going to interpret written words, so it's important to phrase things clearly. If I don't think I can say something helpful or kind, I don't post at all.

[Andalusian girls]

moderators

stahp

[Xajii]

I think a fine example of BG being a good forum is the depression thread. Maybe it got deleted before I saw it, but I don't recall ever seeing any trolling/negativity in there, and what minor criticisms i did see were all phrased respectfully and in keeping with the helpful tone of the thread.

I think the "If the OP is a douchenozzle and/or idiot, its fair game" rule of thumb is a fairly good one, especially with issues that have direct consequences on the people discussing them. It's fine to shitpost a political thread, because aside from making people angry, there's not really a lot of RL repercussions. The depression thread has stayed so respectful, I think, because people realize that in that context their words have a chance to do very real, serious harm to fellow human beings- which is something all of us, regardless of our views, don't want to do. I guess domestic violence isn't as clear-cut an issue as depression, given the problems this thread has had, but in my mind this thread also has the dangerous potential to do real harm to the people posting in it. I mean, think about it: why would anyone stay in an abusive relationship? It's not because they're stupid- even idiots know to pull their hand out of the fire. It's because they either don't recognize what's going on, or because they somehow depend on the relationship. These people are psychologically vulnerable. They are also often fighting depression- something this board clearly recognizes as serious.

With these types of threads, I evaluate the tone of the OP- is it serious? Is the person being an ass? Is it a real problem? If the tone is serious, the OP isn't an ass, and it's a real problem, I treat it like I would treat any of the threads on my Crohn's support group forum: Respectfully, honestly, and carefully. You never know how someone is going to interpret written words, so it's important to phrase things clearly. If I don't think I can say something helpful or kind, I don't post at all.

Ok, great, you're a model poster. Congrats

Also, lol @ thinking "I haven't seen disrespectful posts" = "disrespectful posts haven't been made"
Case in point: read this thread

[BaneTheBrawler]

lol. did you even read what i actually said? "Maybe it got deleted before I saw it,"

People expressed confusion as to how to choose which threads to shitpost in, i posted my method for choosing. Doesn't make it perfect.

[Abandon]

I thought I posted in this thread. Is this now where posts go to die?

[Aristio]

So an update. I tried talking to him directly, but he basically told me to fuck off. He and my friend are moving so there isn't much I can do.

[Tajin]

All those posts died for nothing.

[Roranora]

i came here cause rip tyven

dude sucks; how much can you expect from a guy who just wrecklessly plants seeds

maybe he'd make a good cover corner

[jmc]

So an update. I tried talking to him directly, but he basically told me to fuck off. He and my friend are moving so there isn't much I can do.

Just curious why you can't do anything, simply because they are moving?

[Xajii]

So an update. I tried talking to him directly, but he basically told me to fuck off. He and my friend are moving so there isn't much I can do.

You got a shit ton of better advice in this thread than "talk to him directly". For fucks sake. Do something.

[archibaldcrane]

I think talking to him directly wasn't a terrible idea, but now that you know he's basically most of the way to drunk controlling douchebag it's time to separate your female friend and get her to understand that this shit isn't going to fly in her life. Got any other mutual friends who are concerned? Make an intervention out of it.

Also get her to have an abortion because fuck.

[Nephlite]

Ah Domestic Violence. As a LEO, I can't think of a more dangerous "routine" call that comes out way more than it needs to. I knew a fellow officer who was in an abusive relationship for almost 24 years. Would have never thought she was the victim of DV. Strong in the field, was in plenty of scrapes that she emerged victorious, and was an excellent person. Just took one day for her to come in to work with heavy make-up on and people to notice she had a black eye. Even though she was the victim, it completely ruined her. People found out, threats were made and people retaliated for her, and it resulted in 4 or 5 other people getting suspended and her resigning. She ended up eating a bullet after he beat the crap out of her when she resigned. Husband didn't get in any trouble or anything.

Lot of the resources posted here are great references. Just because she's moving though doesn't mean your involvement is done. Keep the pressure up, stay in contact, make some visits and keep pestering her to call one of the help lines, and the most important thing: Never give up on her. A lot of victim's believe they are alone, have no friends, don't have any contact, etc. Do everything you can to the part of stalking to keep her faith up. Just being a source of information or just being a friend in general can help, even if it's something small. Not sure how well you know her but that's one way.

On the other side of this, don't do anything you aren't fully willing to commit to. You could do more harm than good if you're not willing to devote yourself to the cause. An occasional call here or there or sympathy/empathy there won't change anything. Gotta be willing to go all the way. Don't be fake either. False sympathy leads to distrust. Empathize with the situation and use a light touch to push her in the right direction but don't be too forceful. Take her to a meeting. You'd be surprised how quickly people sober up to reality when they see other people in their situation and what they did to get past it or the result of "dealing with it".

[Roranora]

ctrl+z

[Rhinox]

Something seems off here.

If she 3 months pregnant and this alleged abuse started 1 month ago why the sudden change? did they recently find out she was preggers? how good of a 'friend' is this guy that you've never noticed how bad of a douchebag he is? I'd venture to say he can't be a really good friend considering you're still friends with someone who would threaten to slit the throat of another friend. These guys don't just become assholes they always are assholes.

Does this woman not have any family herself? if no does your 'friend' have any family? aside from talking to them and calling the cops there isn't much you can do.

unless you're planning on doing this




My advice is keep calling the cops til they move. Also you can't help someone who doesn't want help if shes as battered as you say she is recommend an abortion. That baby is gonna make that bond to that creep even tighter

[Rhinox]

kinda off topic but this hit a nerve with me

If these people matter enough to you, don't let it go. You've likely heard tales in the news about people who suffered severe abuse, died, and then after the fact, everyone questioned said, "I didn't see it coming." Those people didn't care enough. They didn't see it coming because they didn't pay attention to those people. As for the people who did care about them, if there were any, they obviously turned away.

Every time I read or hear someone say something like this I roll my eyes. It's become the du jour phrase especially on the internet after every teen suicide or murder. hi2u Amanda todd.

bunch of bullshit is what that is.

[Apelila]

Most people end up asking themselves "Could I have done something for my friend?" at some point or other. Usually it's not nearly as serious but still upsets you because it was serious.

It can be things like
"well hell, I wish I'd helped Tony move last week now that I know he has terminal lung cancer"

Or Stuff like
"I thought Janice was cheating on Mike. Should I have said something?"
"I thought that baby looked retarded. I'm glad I didn't make a joke, they'd never forget."
"Marcus seemed like he was high and lying every other word. I should have said something to Chris before that got serious"

Not
"Chris looked like she had a black eye again. I wonder where they come from" followed later by
"Oh shit Marcus had been abusing and cheating on Chris for 20 years and he stabbed her, his mistress Janice and their retarded baby to death before burning the house down".

So yeah, sometimes people know a weird fucking story. Just enjoy it and hope you're not Mike trying to explain to the cops why the house across the street is burning with his murdered neighbors and cheating wife inside.

And really hope you're not one of the friends who knew some of/suspected other parts of the story, who didn't say shit. Because if even one of the weird things above happens to a friend and you realized it/thought long and hard about it before it happened, you feel like crap.

[Aristio]

Something seems off here.

If she 3 months pregnant and this alleged abuse started 1 month ago why the sudden change? did they recently find out she was preggers? how good of a 'friend' is this guy that you've never noticed how bad of a douchebag he is? I'd venture to say he can't be a really good friend considering you're still friends with someone who would threaten to slit the throat of another friend. These guys don't just become assholes they always are assholes.

Does this woman not have any family herself? if no does your 'friend' have any family? aside from talking to them and calling the cops there isn't much you can do.

unless you're planning on doing this




My advice is keep calling the cops til they move. Also you can't help someone who doesn't want help if shes as battered as you say she is recommend an abortion. That baby is gonna make that bond to that creep even tighter

Didn't want to get into too many details but I've known him since elementary school, but never hung around him past middle school. He was more of a friend of a friend of a friend. The lady friend I've known since highschool and actively hung around her for years. She's been a family friend for about three years. Yes, she has family and then she doesn't. She already has a child, but for the first year and a half; was probably not something you would consider a model mother. So her mother kicked her out of the house and has been house hopping for a bit.

He, on the other hand, as far as I know doesn't have any family. He has a slightly older brother than he and she lives with.

They both met in July, started dating a week or two later, and got pregnant soon afterwards. It was all good and everything until he started acting like a control freak. Then things got out of hand and here we are.

Edit: First thing I recommended was abortion, but it went against what she believes in.