How to save cousins from abusive mother?

[bungiefan]

I have been trying to find a solution to this for about 2 years, since I found out this was going on.

The fiancee has two ~teenage cousins (female 11 and male 15) in a rough situation. They have a single mom. She has a history of abusing them, like her sister did to my fiancee. She beats them over frivilous things like a verbal disagreement over who should be doing a chore, and I witnessed her beating them in front of me when I was able to visit them, over a dish not being washed properly. They are not allowed to leave their house except to go to school, church events, and to go out with people from their church. They are not allowed to leave their bedrooms on weekends until after 9 AM. She will withold things like new clothes to replace their worn out ones with excuses like "their grades aren't high enough" or "they got in trouble at school" to the point of their only pair of shoes having holes in them, and shirts being too small. She has the house technologically locked down, there's an old TV with a DVD player and a VCR, but no channels are allowed, and they aren't allowed to listen to radio stations (she confiscated an MP3 player we got them for Christmas because one of them was caught using the radio function on it). There is one computer in the house, which does have internet. She has a cell phone, which they aren't allowed to use without her present. She doesn't want them "corrupted" by the outside world, but it is going to turn into them not knowing how to function in the world. She doesn't want to let the boy get a job, and he's not allowed to socialize outside of the church (except what happens during the school day). The stated reasons for the girl having the same restrictions socially are that the mother doesn't want her getting male attention (and the mother is always making statements about her weight to her and restricting her food, even though she's at an appropriate weight for her age). My fiancee lost the "privilege" of being able to take the kids out without the mother having to be present when they noticed she wasn't attending her church anymore, but we've been able to split them up between rooms of the house when we visit so one of them can have a private conversation with my fiancee. That seems to be over now.

My fiancee was communicating covertly with the boy via email until tonight, when his mother discovered it and was able to go over the day's email chain (older mail seems to have been deleted, we hope, based on her ignorance of certain things in her email response). She replied and it looks like we are now unwelcome in the presence of anyone in the family. I fear he may have been severely beaten for this but he is across town and it is hard to find out. He is at least not going to get computer access without her watching him every moment he is allowed to be on it, though he might have some at his high school. She has been threatening to ship him off to his father in North Carolina (which I hear has the lowest education stats in the country right now) this week.

We have been researching emancipation rules for Alaska, but it looks like 16 is the earliest we can get that to happen, and it's difficult in this state. He can go to a shelter, but that maxes out at a week unless an investigation reveals the domestic abuse, which a previous one he triggered with a call to social services did not (my fiancee's mother stepped in to cover with a fake alibi and the church community helped, since the family contained two senior church members, including the deacon, while their mother cleaned up her act on the abuse until the investigation stopped, and then beat him really hard for calling them on her). He has a distrust of the authorities being able to help him, and he doesn't want to make his sister homeless by doing this. Worse, their mother works for the school district, and puts on a really good act for her coworkers.

My finacee suffered similar abuse from both her parents, such as beatings for getting a C on a test from her mother (which would be followed by a surprise midnight beating by her father when he got home from work, where he'd throw her out of bed suddenly for it) or friends asking her mother if she could attend an event her mother objected to (not herself asking, but one of her friends daring to ask would trigger this). I still deal with nightmares of her waking up flailing trying to defend herself in the middle of the night, and she's been out of her parent's house (and state) for about four years now. It's not just physical abuse either, there's a psychological component to it, where the parents try to keep the kids from asserting any independence.

How do I go about getting a case built that she won't be able to get out of with a character reference from a coworker, family member, or church member? How do we try to get information to the kids on how they should take action? Their mother works in the building next to his high school. They live in an apartment complex with a locked main entrance. If he runs away, ours is the first place she will look, and we had offered for him to eventually move in with us in the email conversations, though I think she doesn't know about that.

They aren't even allowed to try to debate things in this family. A child (even an adult one) disagreeing with a parent almost always results in a violent response for "disrespect" (my fiancee was struck up to age 22 for asking why her mother had to resolve disagreements with physical force and simple questions of the sort), so the children often don't learn at an appropriate age how to question things and think for themselves, because they aren't allowed to debate anything.

I will probably come back to edit this to not be such a wall of text, but I'm dealing with a freak-out right now and trying to organize this.

I'm trying to get my fiancee to see a counselor about this, because of the problems she has still. We just haven't had the money to pay for one, I've barely been able to make rent payments. We're moving in September and I'll have little to no rent for a while, so I can get medical things taken care of. I'm hoping if a counselor can show there was abuse to her, it will open the doors for other family members to be checked out.

[Seraph]

If child protective services was already attempted, and you and your fiancee are realistically unable to financially take care of the children in the event that your involvement causes them to be kicked out of the house, I guess I would just lay low for a few more years until one or both of the kids are 18+ and/or you get your financial situation to the point where you can take care of them yourself, or you can lawyer up on their behalf. It seems quite possible from your story that all you will likely accomplish by trying to further intervene is get the kids some more undeserving attention from the mother.

[Brill Weave]

Beat the ever loving fuck out of the mother and ask her how she likes it? Shit's fucked up dude. When the kids get beaten they need to call immediately so that the state can see the bruises/marks left by the mother. You can call CYS on her as many times as you want though. They are obligated to investigate all claims of abuse. If you're uncomfortable doing that, go to their offices and explain the situation to see what options are available to you.

[bungiefan]

Remember, she controls the phone in the house. It's hard for them to call, cell phone needing an unlock code to dial and all. Also, we've tried to tell him to report it, but after the last time he's afraid to try again.

[Ksandra]

Remember, she controls the phone in the house. It's hard for them to call, cell phone needing an unlock code to dial and all. Also, we've tried to tell him to report it, but after the last time he's afraid to try again.

...YOU can report it. It doesn't have to be him. Anytime you see an act of abuse report it to the CPS, and they have to investigate it.

[Tajin]

Or give them a disposable phone for emergencies, but really the first post has all the advice you need.

[Laugana]

Can you go a more covert route? I'm reminded of that video that was posted of a father who I think strapped his daughter while the mother looked on or was in another room. Could you give one of the children a camera disguised as something else, eg in a clock, teddy bear etc that are triggered by motion and see if they can record any of the abuse? I'm not saying it might help right now, but it may prove helpful in the future to build a case?

[Seraph]

Can you go a more covert route? I'm reminded of that video that was posted of a father who I think strapped his daughter while the mother looked on or was in another room. Could you give one of the children a camera disguised as something else, eg in a clock, teddy bear etc that are triggered by motion and see if they can record any of the abuse? I'm not saying it might help right now, but it may prove helpful in the future to build a case?

If the guy can barely afford to pay his own rent, I am going to assume that secret agent man tier stuff is off the table.

[isladar]

It's not your job to investigate, it's your job to call fucking CPS. Start paperwork. Call every time. How is this even a question? You saw these children getting abused, what did you do, watch and then go home and feel bad? Fucking call CPS.

[Laugana]

It doesn't have to be right now, just something to think about.

[Acevalefor]

Remember, she controls the phone in the house. It's hard for them to call, cell phone needing an unlock code to dial and all. Also, we've tried to tell him to report it, but after the last time he's afraid to try again.

All cell phones within the last 3 years have emergency call bypass. Even if this were not the case, Ksandra is right regarding reporting it. Document everything and get in contact with a school counselor. Whoever you do talk to, make sure to stress that alerting the mother of your involvement will be detrimental to the children until intervening action is taken. If you can work with the schools and get them to talk with the kids or at least observe their behavior, it will go a long way in creating advocates for the children. All school staff are mandatory reporters so if you speak up and make the problem known they will step in and start investigating.

The biggest hurdle to get past in the children themselves. If they are unwilling to do anything at all and back their mother's behavior/make excuses for her for fear of retribution, it is really hard, without proof, to convince law enforcement and/or social services of the problem. Get the kids to talk to someone that does not have a relationship with the mother. You know where they go to school. Meet them there and get seriously involved if you are serious about putting a stop to this.

[isladar]

yes think about getting them a camera, I mean it doesn't have to happen right now, just mull it over, take your time, I'm sure the kids will just chill until then

[isladar]

All cell phones within the last 3 years have emergency call bypass. Even if this were not the case, Ksandra is right regarding reporting it. Document everything and get in contact with a school counselor. Whoever you do talk to, make sure to stress that alerting the mother of your involvement will be detrimental to the children until intervening action is taken. If you can work with the schools and get them to talk with the kids or at least observe their behavior, it will go a long way in creating advocates for the children. All school staff are mandatory reporters so if you speak up and make the problem known they will step in and start investigating.

The biggest hurdle to get past in the children themselves. If they are unwilling to do anything at all and back their mother's behavior/make excuses for her for fear of retribution, it is really hard, without proof, to convince law enforcement and/or social services if the problem. Get the kids to talk to someone that does not have a relationship with the mother. You know where they go to school. Meet them there and get seriously involved if you are serious about putting a stop to this.

This, but after you call CPS. You have to start a paper trail. You also have no right to information about the children through their school, so you cannot use this as some kind of path of least resistance thing.

Also yes, abused people will often minimize their abuse and stand up for their abusers, but if the mother is leaving marks then it doesn't matter as much.


There isn't much to discuss other than CALL CPS unless the OP needs that further clarified.

[Byrthnoth]

It's a bad situation, but the mother is acting within her rights as long as they're minors and the physical discipline doesn't get extreme. It is the freedom of parents in the US to raise their children as they like, even if it means stripping them of their freedoms, as long as it doesn't meet the nebulous definition of abuse.

It sounds like the woman is just a religious conservative that chooses to easy-mode her parenting through draconian restrictions instead of good parenting practices that foster personal growth in her children. This will probably work until they're 18 and escape her, at which point it won't really be her problem anymore.

[isladar]

Byrth, the mum is beating them hard enough to leave marks and restricting access to food. That, uh, is the fucking definition of extreme.

[Acevalefor]

This, but after you call CPS. You have to start a paper trail. You also have no right to information about the children through their school, so you cannot use this as some kind of path of least resistance thing.

Also yes, abused people will often minimize their abuse and stand up for their abusers, but if the mother is leaving marks then it doesn't matter as much.


There isn't much to discuss other than CALL CPS unless the OP needs that further clarified.

It appears that the vast majority of abuse is psychological. So leaving marks might be few and far between while the abuse is daily.

Isladar pointed out one very important step that I forgot. start the paper trail and call CPS. Document everything that you do/see/hear.

[Byrthnoth]

Sorry, where did he say that? I see multiple places where he said they were beaten over trivial things, but I don't see anything about marks.

[isladar]

I'm going off the use of "severely", but hopefully that's satisfactory. I want to go no where near a corporeal punishment argument because fuck that, but considering the detail in the OP, the fiancee's own personal experience with the family and the witnessing of abuse, I'm going to say this isn't a 'truth is in the middle' oh-the-mum-is-just-strict circumstance.

[Vandalhart]

I have no idea if it would even be an option, but if you were able to give them access to an older phone, it might still have 911 access, and the ability to take video or take pictures. At least then the kids could try to document various activities leaving it hard to the he said, she said situation.

[Byrthnoth]

You mean this?

I fear he may have been severely beaten for this but he is across town and it is hard to find out.

Depending on the OP's definition of "beaten" in all observed cases, the mother may still be within her rights.