Fiancee's book - The Anisiblis

[bungiefan]

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/389803

Trying to get it to clear Smashwords' policy to be posted on other stores. They're saying the NCX list of chapters is incomplete. I manually hyperlinked it inside the Word DOC. All chapters appear in Adobe Digital Editions. Will update when I get that fixed.

[bungiefan]

It's a dark fantasy novel, the start to a series she is working on. She has made the first 30% available as a preview on Smashwords. We got notice yesterday that it had gone up on iTunes and Barnes & Noble, and soon to be Kobo.

[Airenn]

Ok, so. I'm reading it and three paragraphs in and I'm struggling.

Do you want a review? Just for people to read it? Thoughts, edits?

If I was to honestly review this, I think it might be brutal -- But I'm also not an author or an editor, just an avid reader.

[shepardG]

The description on smashwords is... very ... all over the place. Imagine its the inside jacket of a hard back. Keep it really brief and not overtly detailed.
I think in that preview I read it introduced no less than 10 different propper names and tried to explain what each one was.
Its to much, to soon. Give a three paragraph synopsis, introduce the main character and his/her love intrest, their opposing villian and then if theres all kinds of different factions say something like:
"Bob and jane must come to an understanding if they ever hope to save earth, but they are unaware that even more is riding on this than salvation, the very threads of fate hang in the balance...and there are still other, worse evils than "the bad guys" that threaten exhistance."

I just wrote that and I'm genuinely curious what could be worse than "the bad guys", & im already pulling for the good guys cause losing everything ever is pretty not cool.
KISS
Keep It Simple, Stupid

[Ksandra]

No offense, but she might wanna look into finding an editor. I see a lot of grammatical mistakes. Even simple ones like lacking a space between a period and a comma in her about section.

[Airenn]

What both Shep and Ksandra said.

Many grammatical errors, would just need an editor, or really- Learn the grammar better. Mistakes happen in writing plenty, though, so I think she'd get better at it as time went on.

I think the book jumps into things very quickly. If you want to start with action, that's fine but I was near lost in trying to figure out everything. At one point she says the woman is a female soldier from wherever but... by the way this character is acting I would never think she was anything but a scared princess. But yea, too much too soon - Trying to introduce and entire world too quickly.