Engagement

[Twilight Sky]

Buddy is planning to propose to his GF this summer. He told me yesterday since I'm his closest buddy. He admitted he is doing it to appease his GF's parents since they're Christian.

Her father has been bugging my buddies GF's brother and mother about not being engaged. It will be there one year anniversary when he plans to drop the question. By getting engaged he feels she moving into his parents basement will be accepted.

I questioned him to make sure it's the right time. Should I push the subject or just let it go?

Doing it to please the parents, with religion being at the helm will undoubtedly cause issues for both, and the parents will do what they can to stick their nose in your business.

You don't have to push it, but tell him, no good may possibly come out of it.

IMO, heartbreak waiting to happen.

This is between him and his GF. It is wiser to do this for her and her only and no other external reason.

As for 1 yr being too short, I'll leave that to those has actually been married for a while(or been with someone longer).

[chiyio]

It would be wisest to do it for himself though.

[Kohan]

Living together won't change anything IMO.

Living together changes everything.

I don't care if he loves her to death, and if he proves it by writing her poems, singing her songs, and being as stereotypically romantic and lovey-dovey as possible. I don't care if she spends every day and night talking about how magnificent her man is, how he treats her right, and how she can imagine being with him forever.

Living together is what lets two people find out whether they are actually compatible or not, and even after a year or two of that, they may decide they're not, and go their separate ways. Naturally, this does mean that they may like one another, too—even after dealing with each other's laundry, arguing about one another's nasty habits, and having to share the bathroom while their significant other takes a shit, and that's just fine—so long as they give themselves time to find out they're comfortable with all of their quirks.

Even if things work out, a lot of things are still going to change drastically. Their understanding of one another is going to go a lot deeper, and that may or may not take their perception to unpleasant places.

Like others said, setting the actual marriage date a couple of years out would not be a bad idea. I'd call it a great idea. If it's anything like six months down the road (or sooner), though, abandon ship.

[Abandon]

He said Armenian.

ayeeee, rofl

[Rhyis.]

You don't really know a woman until she farts in your bed.

[Kohan]

You don't really know a woman until she farts in your bed.

This, along with the note about dealing with people shitting, is the truth.

[vagus]

I agree that living with someone says will reveal a lot. I meant it won't change the fathers view.

[Roranora]

You don't really know a woman until she farts in your bed.

lol.. and at the shitting too

The thought of not knowing that about someone but yet getting engaged or potentially married around the same time.. yeesh.

I agree that living with someone says will reveal a lot. I meant it won't change the fathers view.

You can still tell your Broseph he can say it to the dad. Drop some of that real talk stuff and or its likeness.

[Aylee]

You can get married 2 months after meeting someone and it can work out... 99% of the time it won't but it can happen... That being said he's doing it for all the wrong reasons and absolutely talk him out of it. If the parents are really that religious then engagement won't satisfie them, only marriage will. I agree with everyone else. Live together for at least a year before u even think of it. Marriage is just a piece of paper that says you love each other (and cost a shit ton of money and time to take back) no reason to rush it. There are benefits to it but the cons greatly out weigh the pros that early in a relationship. To me the idea of engagement shouldent be entertained until at least 2 years Inn marriage 3 years in, and living together for at least 1- 1 1/2 years

[zoobernut]

My wife lived together 6 1/2 years before we got married. I proposed to her after living together for 5 years. It allowed us to really get to know each other and our idiosyncrasies. We even had a rough period a couple years after we moved in with each other and we had to work out some of our differences. It is important to learn about all of that and work it out before you get married.

Echoing what everyone else is saying it is a bad idea to propose before living together and to propose for anyone but yourself. You need to really want it before taking that leap.

[Moss]

My wife lived together 6 1/2 years before we got married. I proposed to her after living together for 5 years. It allowed us to really get to know each other and our idiosyncrasies. We even had a rough period a couple years after we moved in with each other and we had to work out some of our differences. It is important to learn about all of that and work it out before you get married.

Echoing what everyone else is saying it is a bad idea to propose before living together and to propose for anyone but yourself. You need to really want it before taking that leap.

Can't speak from experience, but I would imagine if you were already married in that situation it would put extra stress on the relationship, in a "OMG our marriage is already crumbling!" kind of way

[Roranora]

^ good point.. I'm not sure the details of private conversations, but a number of my divorced 26-29 year old friends extended-circle peeps prob yelled your quote at one point

[zoobernut]

Can't speak from experience, but I would imagine if you were already married in that situation it would put extra stress on the relationship, in a "OMG our marriage is already crumbling!" kind of way

Yeah I agree with you. That is why I think it is important to live together and work out all of the quirks of living together before you get married. It is important to not have a fantasy/fairy tail view of your significant other when you get married. You should know that you want to marry someone through all the rough times and good times.

[Cream Soda]

Make it as long an engagement as possible, like a 2-3 year one

[Meresgi]

Talk him out of it, don't make that mistake trust me

[Skjie]

If the dad is that religious there is no way he's letting her move out with just an engagement.

[vagus]

I guess that's the issue. They want to move in together. They just don't know how to appease her parents. Which i think is an issue since neither want to have that serious sit down. Seems engagement would be the easiest instead of a standing up and having a real discussion with her parents.

Dude is already talking about marriage. I mean his engagement thing he wants during the summer. So I have some time.

I'm thinking ill suggest they celebrate there one year. And let things be. Tell him to make a bigger effort to get to know her father. Then maybe down the road have the sit down and explain his intentions that they're planning to move in together as the next step. See how that goes then engagement.

I mean what are his options?

[kuronosan]

Wife and I were together for 4 years before engagement, and we had gone through a lot of shit before then. We have a solid marriage as a result.

Thinking you're ready a year into it when you haven't hit the rough shit? I'd wait.

[Demenic]

They just don't know how to appease her parents.

Speaking from my own experience, unless they get married and then move in together, they won't ever appease them. No amount of "from the heart" talks will fix it. The moment the both of them realize this, the better off they'll be. My fiance and I moved in together about 6 months before I proposed, with her parents/family (mainly her mother and sister) being religious and obviously in heavy opposition to it. They still haven't gotten over it and it's been over a year now, with us getting married in a little under 3 months. A serious sit-down will help calm some of the harsher feelings on it, maybe discuss how they're handling the bills with them, or what to do if it doesn't end up working out, but I sincerely doubt it'll make them approve of it. They just need to step up, remember that it's their life, and do what they want to do.

[Arelian]

I'm assuming that both your friend and his lady are old enough to be considered adults, so i say they move in together and don't care what the father says. Doing something purely for the approval of a man that will likely never give his full approval (speaking anecdotally, but someone that controlling- religious or not will never give that control up).

The Dad will either get over it or not. Your friend is the one that has to blow all the money that an engagement can involve (rings are not cheap, dur) for a chick he hasn't known for nearly long enough, imo.

Tl;dr the Father can get fucked. It's his daughters life.