Engagement

[Tokitoki]

The best thing to do would be to sit with the parents.

My fiancee's mom is a reverend for the Methodist Church. She's an "elder" even, she helps select new candidates for reverend and the Methodist Church's board/leaders. We moved in together about 6 months after we started dating without contention from her parents.

The best thing to do is actually spend time with them, not necessarily one-on-one, so that they can see that your friend has genuine feelings for their daughter. There isn't anything anyone can tell him that would change his mind. He has to do it on his own. Confronting him may work, but it's likely better to spend time with their family for dinner, family events, days out, etc.

[kuronosan]

Also, I'm in agreement that living together before marriage doesn't mean shit. For most relationships, I suppose, living together gives good insight as to how your partner is. If you're spending enough time with them, for long enough (a few years), and you haven't moved in with each other, you might learn as much about each other as you would having to live with each other.

I can only speak from experience, but you really just will never know absolutely everything about your partner. Waiting until you're 100% comfortable to propose is just as much of a mistake as proposing without knowing a person.

If it's the right person, you will know. There won't be any overhead or any extrinsic reasoning. There won't be pleasing anyone or doing it for somebody's sake. You'll either want to or not.

The point stands. Your friend should not be doing this if he thinks it'll make her parents happy. His job is not to make her parents happy. His job is to make her (and by extension, and most importantly, himself) happy.

[vagus]

That's the thing. She thinks the engagement will get them off her back. Which I don't think it will. Which is why I think he is planning the engagement.

[kuronosan]

It's not a matter of thinking it will. It won't.

If anything, he might even insult the parents by causing them to say "Er what makes you think you're ready to be married" by opening a shitstorm can of worms.

If he wants to be respectful they can play this two ways - by letting their relationship grow and moving in together without parental consent (as if she needs it) and saying "fuck marriage", or by being stupid and getting engaged and hoping that the parents magically love him for it.

Guess which one is a better option?

[shepardG]

Does your friend have a job?

[Senji]

The girl would be the best to judge if it would get them off their back though. We don't exactly know how zealot they are.

[The Stig]

Is your friend's gf/to-be-fiancee>wife hot?

[Roranora]

You'll either want to or not.

I hope it unfolds that easily and naturally when/if it happens. Good anecdotal experience for you

Better than divorced at 22-26 or what have you. I kinda hate that I know so many, but Wichita and Pampa.. can't really control hometown and all.

I sorta said it last post -- and others too -- just honest communications, from your bro to homegirl and homegirl's parents. Should become more clear what's the good decision

[vagus]

It's not a matter of thinking it will. It won't.

If anything, he might even insult the parents by causing them to say "Er what makes you think you're ready to be married" by opening a shitstorm can of worms.

If he wants to be respectful they can play this two ways - by letting their relationship grow and moving in together without parental consent (as if she needs it) and saying "fuck marriage", or by being stupid and getting engaged and hoping that the parents magically love him for it.

Guess which one is a better option?

That's the way im thinking. He does work. He finds her attractive.

[Kohan]

Also, I'm in agreement that living together before marriage doesn't mean shit. For most relationships, I suppose, living together gives good insight as to how your partner is. If you're spending enough time with them, for long enough (a few years), and you haven't moved in with each other, you might learn as much about each other as you would having to live with each other.

Hilarious. Also, "doesn't mean shit" followed by "for most relationships [...] gives good insight"? That's some contradiction right there.

Unless by "spending enough time with them" translates to "being a completely obsessed stalker," you are not going to know them as well as you would by living with them. You still have a completely private retreat, you're not sharing a bathroom with them, you're not sharing all of the chores, you aren't sharing all the costs of living, you've never dealt with a complicated situation that can directly affect your personal livelihood, and I could go on, but this sentence is long enough as-is. None of those things are going to happen until you live with someone, and as noted, that list isn't anywhere close to complete.

If you're a completely oblivious person (or, as aforementioned, a total stalker), perhaps it really won't matter to you, but I imagine that most people giving advice prefer to go with whatever is most likely and whatever doesn't sound like a smoke-up-the-ass fairytale.

I can only speak from experience, but you really just will never know absolutely everything about your partner. Waiting until you're 100% comfortable to propose is just as much of a mistake as proposing without knowing a person.

Living with someone for a year or two =/= knowing absolutely everything about a person.

Living with someone for a year or two = discovering if you can cooperatively respond to the daily functions and challenges that adult life brings.

If it's the right person, you will know. There won't be any overhead or any extrinsic reasoning. There won't be pleasing anyone or doing it for somebody's sake. You'll either want to or not.

Because love is true, magical, eternal, etc. Plan on a dream, that's the way to live. Then get your heart stomped on when someone else wonders what the fuck is wrong with you, question life, feel lonely, do it again. The winner's method.

Bonus points if you make cryptic posts on Facebook about every breakup and call everyone you've been with for more than a day "the one."

[vagus]

Seems no matter what he does he's fucked. Lol.

[kuronosan]

Hilarious. Also, "doesn't mean shit" followed by "for most relationships [...] gives good insight"? That's some contradiction right there.

Unless by "spending enough time with them" translates to "being a completely obsessed stalker," you are not going to know them as well as you would by living with them. You still have a completely private retreat, you're not sharing a bathroom with them, you're not sharing all of the chores, you aren't sharing all the costs of living, you've never dealt with a complicated situation that can directly affect your personal livelihood, and I could go on, but this sentence is long enough as-is. None of those things are going to happen until you live with someone, and as noted, that list isn't anywhere close to complete.

If you're a completely oblivious person (or, as aforementioned, a total stalker), perhaps it really won't matter to you, but I imagine that most people giving advice prefer to go with whatever is most likely and whatever doesn't sound like a smoke-up-the-ass fairytale.



Living with someone for a year or two =/= knowing absolutely everything about a person.

Living with someone for a year or two = discovering if you can cooperatively respond to the daily functions and challenges that adult life brings.



Because love is true, magical, eternal, etc. Plan on a dream, that's the way to live. Then get your heart stomped on when someone else wonders what the fuck is wrong with you, question life, feel lonely, do it again. The winner's method.

Bonus points if you make cryptic posts on Facebook about every breakup and call everyone you've been with for more than a day "the one."

Uh, no.

Not everyone in love wears rosy glasses.

Fuck sake lady.

You don't have to stalk people to spend time with them, especially after you've been through a few relationships. Jesus.

[bechyni]

I'm not trying to be a dick or anything but he's trying to get engaged for her to move into his parents basement? Don't you think getting out of his parents house is something he should look into first before trying to get engaged/marriage? Don't think you could fully get the effect of living with someone while being under a parents roof.

Unless there are circumstances where he takes care of his parents or something

[Senji]

Probably simply wants more kinky sex. I'm sure a curfew and bedroom door stays open rule is a drag.

[Aylee]

Uh, no.

Not everyone in love wears rosy glasses.

Fuck sake lady.

You don't have to stalk people to spend time with them, especially after you've been through a few relationships. Jesus.

Everything he/she said is right... hell I dated a girl for 3 years, moved in together for another 4 years (engaged for 2 years of that) I knew 100% without a shadow of dought she was the one... up until the point she walked out the door. Now I look back and see how fucking retarded I was and am 100x happier with my new girl. Hell with my new girl we dated for 4 months, her lease came up and I let her move in with me because that's how you really learn who someone is. If shit hits the fan and it doesnt work she can grab her stuff and leave. That being said I won't even entertain the idea of engagement for at least another 1 1/2 - 2 years. You just can't rush that shit

[kuronosan]

Everything he/she said is right... hell I dated a girl for 3 years, moved in together for another 4 years (engaged for 2 years of that) I knew 100% without a shadow of dought she was the one... up until the point she walked out the door. Now I look back and see how fucking retarded I was and am 100x happier with my new girl. Hell with my new girl we dated for 4 months, her lease came up and I let her move in with me because that's how you really learn who someone is. If shit hits the fan and it doesnt work she can grab her stuff and leave. That being said I won't even entertain the idea of engagement for at least another 1 1/2 - 2 years. You just can't rush that shit

What you said has nothing to do with what she said. I'm taking myself out of this conversation.

[Streak]

Divorce is such a horrible thing to go through I honestly recommend never getting married. Anyone who knows anything about family law will probably tell you the same thing. It has nothing to do with commitment or love, but you open yourself up to so much misery, litigation and financial devastation by signing that paper. If you're common law or cohabiting you are slightly protected, especially with a good cohabitation agreement.

I waited 5 years before marriage, was divorced 6 years later. That happened 3.5 years ago and I still am not even close to where I was financially...

[vagus]

How old did u get married? 18?

[Dowzer]

Sounds like she's still living with her crazy 'rents. She needs to move out -on her own- and then he can move in with her.

I'm from Vancouver too and if she can't afford to pay rent, she's not looking hard enough. If he can't afford to help her pay that rent while living in his parents basement, there's no way they can afford getting married.