Sexuality Philosophy (Questions, ideology)

[Kuishen]

Now I'm curious. Does her bf know she's not interested in him sexually? What does that mean? I don't understand how that is different from just being close friends.

I'm gonna be honest, I'm curious about a helluva lot more than that regarding hey's life but I'm not crass enough to go into specifics, but I too would like to know the answer to the above.

[BaneTheBrawler]

This is a spin-off from the... stuff... in Random Fail. As it has to do with sexuality and whatnot, I feel like this is a more appropriate venue. Plus, I am far more comfortable with stomping on any shenanigans here.

Not going to step into this cesspool of a discussion other than to ask: Didn't you say in an earlier post that she was gay and not interested in men when defending the point of "there's no need for her to claim rape"? At least that's what I thought I saw. I'd go back to double check but posts were deleted.

I'm sorry it happened and all, but have to point out a contradiction that I (think I) saw.

I meant sexually. Turns out People are complicated.

Now I'm curious. Does her bf know she's not interested in him sexually? What does that mean? I don't understand how that is different from just being close friends. Would you mind elaborating a bit?

[hey]

I don't know how this is related to trans thread, but yes, ofncourse he knows. There is more to love than just aex

[BaneTheBrawler]

Well, like I said, it has to do with sexuality... though I suppose that's not really the same as Trans. They seem closely related, though. If you don't want to get into it, that's totally okay. Just say so and I'll move the discussion on to something else.

I guess what confuses me is... when i think of an SO, i have the distinction of romantic love, as opposed to the love I have for my parents or close friends. but Romantic love also has this sexual aspect and I just don't understand how one can divorce that from it. I'm not sure if I'm even phrasing that right.

[hey]

I don mind discussing it, thisbjustvaeems like a weird place for it. Gender bd sexuality have nothing to with each other.

I don't see why there needs to be a sexual aspect go a romantic relationship. I mean, even asexual people have romantic relationships.

[BaneTheBrawler]

I guess I was just reluctant to start a new thread. But it's an interesting topic.

I suppose I may just not understand it due to my inexperience. I dunno.

Edit: Also, I found Kuishen's missing post! Yay!

[Kuishen]

You mother fucker, now it looks like I started this thread. Hack job on that split. 1/10.

[BaneTheBrawler]

Also that you're a time-traveler.

[hey]

Yeah, most people don't really understand. Honestly, I can't understand how most others can be different. Like, to me, it seems weird to expect an SO not to have sex with anyone else. Like... It's their body, why should you have any say in what they do with it?

To me, it seems like most people are overly possessive of their SOs, as if they own them. I can't understand that at all.

[Vandalhart]

One of the first agreements that my wife and I made when we were still dating was not to cheat. Neither of us are really built that way. I always joke that I don't share and I'm not interested in pursuing another woman. To me, it's a decision we made together and we both feel is important.

That being said, everyone is different. I can easily see a world in a few decades that relationships will have less of that and a more open mindset towards pairing.

I think that if it's something that someone agrees to from the get go, then go for it, whatever makes them happy. If it's something that someone wants to introduce later on, then both sides have a discussion and see if it's a deal breaker.

[Lyall]

Yeah, most people don't really understand. Honestly, I can't understand how most others can be different. Like, to me, it seems weird to expect an SO not to have sex with anyone else. Like... It's their body, why should you have any say in what they do with it?

To me, it seems like most people are overly possessive of their SOs, as if they own them. I can't understand that at all.

I don't understand how you (universal you, not you-you) can tell someone that you love them above all others and then want to fuck someone else. Similarly, if you tell me that I'm the one you want to be with for the rest of your life, you shouldn't want to be fucking other people.

Of course, this hinges on the "I only want you" concept. If your idea of love is "I like your personality and don't care who you mash crotches with" I'd still equate that to friendship, best-friendship or like, "I love this person like a brother/sister" before I'd call it romantic.

[Xantavia]

I don't think its a feeling of ownership, but more a demonstration of trust. If you are wanting to commit to a relationship with somebody, and want them to do the same for you, sacrifices are going to have to be made. And one of those is forgoing animal instincts to show your commitment to a single person. I do have a romanticized view of sex, in that it shouldn't be something you do with just random people. Could just be a type of bitterness on my part though. The idea that if I can resist the temptation, you can too.

At the same time, I also don't get the whole romantic relationship without sex thing either. I've gone my whole life without officially dating anybody, because I felt there would be no point to it. Either we would break up for some trivial reason, in which case what was the point in the first place. Or else it would progress to the stage where they would want to get intimate and I would break it off due to my own insecurities. It wouldn't be fair to them, and yet at the same time I don't think I would be able to deal with them seeking comfort with somebody else.

May look like conflicting viewpoints, and maybe it is if it would involve me. Not wanting to deprive another person of something they want to do, but at the same time feeling that if I'm a virgin, they better be one too. As I got older, the chances of that seemed to be less and less likely. In the end, it is a lot easier to just say fuck it to the whole thing, and claim a moral superiority over all the "whores".

[Mazmaz]

I don't understand how you (universal you, not you-you) can tell someone that you love them above all others and then want to fuck someone else. Similarly, if you tell me that I'm the one you want to be with for the rest of your life, you shouldn't want to be fucking other people.

Of course, this hinges on the "I only want you" concept. If your idea of love is "I like your personality and don't care who you mash crotches with" I'd still equate that to friendship, best-friendship or like, "I love this person like a brother/sister" before I'd call it romantic.

The fact is, heteronormative monogamous relationships are engrained into us early on in society and accept as the default of human sexual behaviour. They teach us to seek one partner to settle with, and they teach us that loving someone and having sex with them go hand in hand. Love and sexuality are sewed together through these perceptions.

The matter of fact is, there are many people that fall outside of the sexuality norms that we're taught. You've probably noticed them at some point in your life and had written them off as "weird" or "crazy" because they fell outside of the norms you were taught. The key to human relationships, love and sexuality, to me is 100% communication. With each new relationship, all partners must discuss their desires and feelings 100% honestly to one another in order to establish whether they are able to be together and are right for one another. There are asexuals who don't ever want to have sex but would like to pursue romantic relationships; there are polys who love one person, and that love is enhanced by any additional partners that they choose to have in their lives. And everything in between and outside of that. It's really quite simple. Don't assume any thing about partners' feelings and sexuality without having a 100% honest discussion together, and don't assume that anyone should or is able to fall within the "default" norms that are set by society when it comes to relationships.

[Gredival]

I don't see why there needs to be a sexual aspect go a romantic relationship. I mean, even asexual people have romantic relationships.

There doesn't need to be, but for most it's an important part of the relationship. There are many things that go into attraction than physical/sexual attraction, but it is an undeniable element for most relationships. Most couples go through the "Can't keep their hands off each other" phase.

There are reasons sexual infidelity is a big deal, and why most couples operate on sexual monogamy. Some people can successfully operate outside these norms, but for most, exclusive sexual intimacy goes hand in hand with loyalty.

The difference between open relationships and cheating is the partner's consent. And some people cannot give that consent because of how they view sex. You don't have to be a "Wait Until Marriage" Puritan to consider sex to be special. And the more special you think sex is, the more it's a personal private thing rather than a routine means to pleasure, then the less likely you are to be able to detach other meanings to sex.

[Vandalhart]

I'm not sure why, but over the last few years, infidelity seems to be something that gets me immediately in a bad mood when I come across it. I'm not sure why that is. I think part of the reason, to me, is that it's easily controllable. It's not you accidentally fall over and your crotches mash together (I'm stealing that from someone, because it's a hilarious wording for teh sexy-times.) To me, at some point, the person has to allow themselves to be open to the possibility of cheating.

Anyways, I'll not go into it more, I have a feeling I'm attributing to a topic derail.

[Astylla]

I don't understand how you (universal you, not you-you) can tell someone that you love them above all others and then want to fuck someone else. Similarly, if you tell me that I'm the one you want to be with for the rest of your life, you shouldn't want to be fucking other people.

Of course, this hinges on the "I only want you" concept. If your idea of love is "I like your personality and don't care who you mash crotches with" I'd still equate that to friendship, best-friendship or like, "I love this person like a brother/sister" before I'd call it romantic.

I feel like I can chime in on this part because Melena and I don't fall into the social norm of what people think of as marriage. We have an open marriage as neither of us equate our relationship or sex exclusive with love. Basically meaning we can easily fuck others without emotional attachment beyond friends if that. I love him with all my heart and that is never in question as I am with him until death do us part. However that doesn't change the primal side of who we are as individuals.
I always thought I was meant to be monogamous but as our relationship evolved we both realized we wanted the freedom of more but together. I've gone on dates with other people, he's had sexual interactions with others but the foundation is communication and honesty. We know everything that happens and there are no boundaries.
If we could ever find a compatible third for us we would happily have her in our home. None of this however changes how our love, our romantic love endures.

We just found what works for us as everyone should feel the freedom to do so. The biggest part of course is finding someone compatible that not only understands but desires the same things. The biggest misconception I see constantly is that lack of understanding whicj equates to believing it's a lesser form of love which is just not true.

I'm a true believer in what works for you is great, what works for me us great too but don't expect me to fit into your box because I understand you may not fit into mine. I can still accept it and embrace it though.

[Aksannyi]

This thread is really fascinating, and I think this is a good discussion to have.

My boyfriend's previous relationship was an open relationship, and I was in an open relationship over a decade ago with someone I was engaged to - and ended up not marrying (for different, unrelated reasons). It definitely relies on communication and trust, and you really can't have the jealous bone. From time to time, I get that way, so the open relationship was hard for me to stomach, but I gave it a shot. In the end, he and I weren't compatible for other reasons.

My boyfriend's ex, he realized, was a notorious serial cheater, so they decided together to try an open relationship - with the stipulation that they must know when the other person is going out and doing something sexual with someone else. They did the group sex and swingers club thing. Basically the main thing was trust. Once that trust was broken - she started seeing people without telling him about it - the relationship was done.

We have discussed this type of relationship with the two of us, but we've both agreed that we're not both comfortable with it, so we are monogamous. Although he has talked about taking me to a swingers club just to test the waters a bit, and I'm open to seeing what it's about and whether or not it'd be something I'd be into.

As far as sex versus romance, I think a lot of people do expect sex from a relationship, but I don't see why it's entirely necessary. I think it all comes down to preference and communication in all factors, and if you're both good with how things are progressing then everyone is fine to be how they want. I can't say I've experienced romantic love without sexual attraction, but I'm certainly not going to judge.

[archibaldcrane]

I don't understand how you (universal you, not you-you) can tell someone that you love them above all others and then want to fuck someone else.

You'll figure it out eventually.

[Salodin]

I don mind discussing it, thisbjustvaeems like a weird place for it. Gender bd sexuality have nothing to with each other.

I don't see why there needs to be a sexual aspect go a romantic relationship. I mean, even asexual people have romantic relationships.

I understand your situation, but can you describe your relationship? Overly simplified, a close relationship with some one with out sex I'd call best friends; add sex and suddenly they're in a romantic relationship.

Basically, when you look at your SO why do you describe it as a romantic relationship and not just your close friend? What makes it romantic?

[archibaldcrane]

Do you just not have sex, or do you also not make out/fondle/cuddle?