NHL 15-16 Regular Season Thread: F I R E _ T H E R R I E N

[Sepukku]

This is the NHL thread, something Heatley is no longer a part of

[Richybear]

Neither is Ben Scrivens. Enjoy the AHL, bud

[Cail]

When is the first regular season night? i knw its this week

[Obsidian]

Neither is Ben Scrivens. Enjoy the AHL, bud

Which is too bad because he seems like a great guy and a hard worker. Was always very hard on himself here.

[bori]

When is the first regular season night? i knw its this week

Wednesday

[Sepukku]

The Sepukku 2015-2016 NHL Season Preview

After three and a half harrowing months of extended sunlight, deflated balls, and payoff pitches, we have finally returned to the holy grail of sports. Hockey is back. Patrick Kane might've smashed the wrong chick, Slava Voynov definitely smashed his wife's head through a television, and Ryan O'Reilly smashed his truck through half a city block.



US Women's forward Hilary Knight, everyone's favorite hockey chick, is smashing Ducks goalie Frederick Andersen, who she met while doing a promotional event where she attended and participated in Anaheim Ducks' practices last year - basically, for right or wrong, proving the #1 reason people jump to when insisting on gender segregated sports.



There's only three truths in this world:
(1) Everybody poops
(2) Everybody dies
(3) Everybody likes hockey, pussy(cats), and tits

This thread is full of the latter. Everything is Anna and/or SFW except for borderline pic for Arizona which is NSFW'ed inside of the Spoilers, but read w/o pictures or don't read at work if your boss is draconian.

Anaheim Ducks
Scoop: As everyone tries to get faster and more finesse based, the Ducks still like to beat up everyone. They do that pretty well. Fuck Corey Perry.

Spoiler: show

Chances of Playoffs: 99%. They're a virtual lock.

Arizona Coyotes
Scoop: The Arizona Nordiques will be very good in ~3 years with Dylan Strome, Anthony Ducliar (acquired from NYR for Keith Yandle), Max Domi, Henrik Samuellson et al joining Oliver Ekman-Larsson in the impending future. That is not this season however. They will continue to suck for another year or two to acquire a few more good picks. Henrik has already been designated to the AHL and Dylan Strome was promptly returned back to the OHL to put up another 150 points this campaign.

Spoiler: show

Chances of Playoffs: 2%. Bottom 5 team. Shane Doan is probably going to be the NHL's Troy Polomalu and not retire when he should but everyone will love him too much to cut him.
Register to see the NSFW content

Boston Bruins
Scoop: Boston is the world's most annoying sports town. I'm honestly surprised Bryce Harper doesn't play for the Red Sox. Chara is super old, Bergeron has a lot of heavy miles on him, Krecji has joined the chronic groin problem club (CGPC), and Dougie Hamilton was sent into redhead exile. They're trying to rebuild on the fly, which probably won't work and the Bruins could easily wind up missing the playoffs between now and 2025.

Spoiler: show

Chances of Playoffs: 50%. This year could go either way depending on their core's health and ability to defy aging one last year. Next year and beyond the odds look darker.

Buffalo Sabres
Scoop: They finally don't epically suck. They just sorta suck. Jack Eichel, Ryan O'Reilly, and Evander Kane is a heck of a cast to bring on. They're still going to give up a lot of goals though, unless Dan Bylsma has more coaching skills other than opening the bench door for stars. We'll soon find out.

Spoiler: show

Chances of Playoffs: 30%. They're on the rise. HANG IN THERE IZZY.

Calgary Flames
Scoop: Their best player is returning from a major surgery and their best forward will have high expectations to prove hes not a flash in the pan. I'd expect a small bit of regression if it weren't for that Dougie Hamilton acquisition.

Spoiler: show

Chances of Playoffs: 51%.

Carolina Hurricanes
Scoop: Eddie Lack better finally be the person to steal Cam Ward's job cause it was overdue five years ago. Eric Staal doesn't like playing with his brother and will almost suredly get traded. In part, perhaps, cause he began negotiations with a 9mil/year request. The prospects in the system aren't even worth writing home over besides Noah Hanafin.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 1%. Bottom 5 team.

Chicago Blackhawks
Scoop: Will Marian Hossa ever hit a wall? Will Patrick Kane hit a woman? A cab driver? A female cab driver? If Kane is charged and Marian Hossa finally begins to age, they will regress enough to actually feel like they're in a fight for a playoff spot.

Spoiler: show

Chances of Playoffs: 90% because celebrities always wiggle out of charges.

Colorado Avalanche
Scoop: Go watch the Denver Nuggets, this team has no shot and must be frustrating to home fans. They've got pieces with Varlamov, Landeskog, and Mackinnon plus Duchene when hes not attending CGPC meetings but the supporting cast is very weak and it remains to be seen if Mackinnon and Roy can develop consistency with their respective responsibilities.

Spoiler: show

Chances of Playoffs: 10%

Columbus Blue Jackets
Scoop: Last year couldn't have gone worse for the Blue Jackets. Everyone seemed to be hurt. Nathan Horton was never going to play again so they traded him to Toronto for David Clarkson as CBJ can't afford to pay Horton type money to a guy for years of inactivity. The downside is that they now have to give one of their 20 sweaters to Clarkson for years of non-production. If Foligno doesn't regress, the CBJ will be competing for a wild card spot.

Spoiler: show

Chances of Playoffs: 35%

Dallas Stars
Scoop: This team has top six talent but not much to write home about beyond that. Their goaltenidng situation is in flux. Their star forward had a significant injury end his season last year. If the D/goaltending don't sink them and the Benn/Seguin combo shines, they'll have a dark horse shot for a wild card as well.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 20%

Detroit Red Wings
Scoop: In conjunction with the Toronto saga, Detroit will be one half of a case study in 'How good is Mike Babcock?' A new coach finally takes over with a massive playoff streak on the line. Petr Mrazek looks like the real deal, but they have massive, chronic injury issues with Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetterberg, and new Red Wing and CGPC-member Mike Green.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 50%

Edmonton Oilers
Scoop: They, like the Sabres, sucked for a long time. Unlike the Sabres though, they kept getting good picks and kept sucking. McDavid is going to be amazing, but will he be amazing enough to inspire Yakupov to back check? This team could easily be both top 5 in GF and GA. Their time may finally come in 2-3 years, but this first McDavid year - like Crosby's - will be a miserable affair.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 5% and I swear to fucking god if they get the #1 pick again....

Florida Panthers
Scoop: The most entertainment this club will provide is Luongo twitter accounts and relocation debates.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 10%

Los Angeles
Scoop: Milan Lucic joins an already physical team. Outside of CGPC-member Marian Gaborik, this team is brutally rough and not fun to play. Even Anze Kopitar cross checked an Avs player in the back of the head three times during their final preseason game. Christian Erhoff will compliment the D nicely, assuming he remains healthy. Look for LA to rebound and make the playoffs.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 80%

Minnesota
Scoop: The polar opposite of LA, Minnesota plays the ultimate finesse, puck posession game. Their team has basically 0 good ol' Canadian boys so they definitely suck at hockey says color blind old commentators everywhere. They don't suck at hockey, but unfortunately its difficult to envision them ever winning a cup with their current model and the NHL's recent decision to pocket their refs' whistles the past few seasons. Another 1st/2nd round defeat is the likely result.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 75%

Montreal
Scoop: The Habs can't score and signing Alexander Semin won't fix that. If Pacioretty misses 2+ months with an injury, even Price may be unable to save this team. Last season was a decent team riding a hot streak by an already above average goaltender. They'll make the playoffs, and 'defense wins championships,' but if you can't score you can't win.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 90%

Nashville
Scoop: This team hasn't been that fun lately. Shea Weber used to smash people's faces into the glass and the ice girls used to make Victoria's Secret models look like run down meth addicts. Now they have James Neal who is generally an asshole and Mike Ribeiro who is in the same 'how the hell are his domestic accusations not sinking his career?' boat as Semyon Varlamov. They're a good team and should take a playoff spot, they're just not as fun to cheer for anymore.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 85%

New Jersey
Scoop: This team is the worst thing to happen to hockey in forever. From red and green Christmas uniforms, to the ultimate trap defense, to the Ilya Kovalchuk deal this team has continuously been a drag on the NHL's profits. Like most things in New Jersey, very few people have anything positive to say about them.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 1%. Bottom 5 contender.

New York Islanders
Scoop: Tavares is a star and he finally has a full cast maturing around him. They play in Brooklyn now and have changed their uniforms. The general result should be roughly the same - a 2-3 spot in the Metro or a top wild card spot.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 80%

New York Rangers
Scoop: Henrik Lundqvist is an amazing regular season goalie. Rick Nash is always the one who seemingly has to answer questions come playoff time though. Like several teams on this list, they're a virtual lock for the playoffs and need to instead focus on developing the chemistry and confidence they need to actually win in the playoffs.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 99%

Ottawa Senators
Scoop: With many young players and teams, the onus is on them now to prove they weren't a flash in the pan. Will Bobby Ryan ever have the dominant season he shows flashes of potential to have?

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 50%

Philadelphia Flyers
Scoop: Fuck this team, fuck this town, and fuck everyone from there. The team is led by a guy who molested a uniformed police officer and wrote a check to an Ottawa charity to get the impending charge dropped. They had a boxer posing as a goaltender until this past offseason. The whole team is scum and I'm glad they're about to get their butts kicked for 6 months.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 1%
#NoAnna

Pittsburgh Penguins
Scoop: Like Dallas and Edmonton, the Penguins will get a lot of goals but likely give up a lot. The team has 6-7 all stars on it and ~10 waiver wire pickups. If the all stars stay healthy, the team can easily make the playoffs. Another team focused on the second season already.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 90%

San Jose Sharks
Scoop: If the window hasn't already closed, its about to. Patrick Marleau and Joe Thornton are perpetual scapegoats and Joe Pavelski continues to be underrated in the general media's eyes. I wonder sometimes if sharks would eat Anna Kendrick or not as she is a bit boney. Lets hope the world never finds out.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 50%

St Louis Blues
Scoop: Another team where the window already looks to be closing. They're built to last at D and, if Jake Allen takes the next step, in net, but the forwards outside of Tarasenko continue to be a question mark. Pietrangelo and Backes would do well to start holding everyone more accountable in the locker room.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 75%

Tampa Bay Lightning
Scoop: Are the Lightning legit? Palat, Kucherov, Johnson, etc all have only brief tenures under their belt. Make no mistake though, any team with a healthy Stamkos and Hedman will be a playoff contender. Ben Bishop is a CGPC member.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 90%

Toronto Maple Leafs
Scoop: See Detroit Red Wings. Mike Babcock will either prove he deserves an exemption to the HHOF eligibility requirements or this will be one of the worst seasons in Maple Leafs history.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs:

Vancouver Canucks
Scoop: Their window is closed. The Sutter deal and signing is very questionable. The Sedins are north of 35. Goaltending is below average when people view 2015 Ryan Miller and don't imagine 2008 Ryan Miller.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 15%

Washington Capitals
Scoop: Ovechkin and Holtby stay healthy and they make the playoffs - even in a very tough Metro division. The most famous playoff disappointment franchise ever has seen repeated series leads collapse and their best player in franchise history turned 30 this year and still hasn't even seen the Eastern Conference Finals.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 85%

Winnipeg Jets
Scoop: Canada's Team of the Future! Look for them to sneak in as a wild card again behind Nashville, Chicago, and Minnesota and maybe even win a playoff game this time.

Spoiler: show

Chance of Playoffs: 65%

Awards (Winners in bold)

Calder Trophy: Conner McDavid, Jack Eichel, Max Domi
Vezina Trophy: Carey Price, Braden Holtby, Henrik Lundqvist
Selke: Who cares
Norris Trophy: Victor Hedman, Drew Doughty, Kris Letang
Hart Trophy: Sidney Crosby, Ryan Getzlaf, Ryan Johansen
Art Ross Trophy: Sidney Crosby
Rocket Richard Trophy: Alexander Ovechkin

Playoffs:
NYR(M1) vs CBJ (WC2)
PIT(M2) vs WSH (M3) - Bettman finally gets his rematch
MTL(A1) vs NYI(WC1)
TB(A2) vs OTT(A3)

ANA(P1) vs CLG(WC2)
LA(P2) vs SJ(P3)
NSH(C1) vs WPG(WC1)
CHI(C2) vs MIN(C3)

NYR vs PIT
NYI vs TB

ANA vs LA
NSH vs CHI

PIT vs TB
ANA vs CHI

TB vs ANA

Anaheim wins the Stanley Cup. Fuck Corey Perry.

[Thoronas]

Sepukku posts something pretty legit. Still manages to troll NYR fans.

[Aksannyi]

That was an extremely entertaining post.

I loled at the Leafs' gif.

[Ratatapa]

You're missing 2 teams name after Montreal sep, like the post is there just no teams name

[NynJa]

Sep posted something legit and unbiased
Im stunned

[BadKarma]

Pittsburgh beating the rangers in the playoffs?

A bold choice.

[Bregor]

10/10 would Anna again

[NynJa]

Semin: 1.1m
Flash: .75m
Total: 1.875m

Tanner glass: 1.45m

Long live Bergevin

[Vaspinne]

Stuff

I'm genuinely impressed. Good read!

[Obsidian]

Flawless Toronto gif.

[NynJa]

Raffi Torres already going to get suspended for 5+ (i think, i read he waived the right to an in person hearing) a headshot, and the season hasnt even started

[Cutriss]

Will Patrick Kane hit a woman? A cab driver? A female cab driver?

[Ratatapa]

I'll permit myself a little derail since season starts Wednesday



The reason why i'm posting this here is because, this is the thread where we have the most canadians so. This guy is a french canadian comedian that does alot of voxpop in QC to laugh at people.

In different interviews, he says he goes to see people, tell them that he will keep only their dumb answers and will make a montage out of it. So maybe some people are faking on purpose, but it's still funny. But those people are aware that they will be laughed at (some might have good answers but he just doesn't keep em)

Also don't worry it's in english

[Mythe_Seraph]

I'd love another Chi/Ana WCF series. I'll go again. Hell, I'll buy tickets to every game in Ana.

[Ratatapa]

Bob McKenzie ‏@TSNBobMcKenzie 2 minil y a 2 minutes
Zack Kassian's immediate future may get clarified later today. Lots of moving parts, incl injury status, status with Habs, status with NHL.