"WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE HERE, JOE, TONY ROMO MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE."
"Troy, we're calling the Eagles-Lions game."
"THEY'RE JUST A DIFFERENT TEAM WITH THE VETERAN LEADER UNDER CENTER."
"That's Matt Stafford and he's already thrown three interceptions, Troy."
"I DON'T WANT TO SPECULATE ON THE FUTURE BUT THE COWBOYS ARE DEFINITELY GOING TO WIN THE REST OF THEIR GAMES AND WIN THE SUPER BOWL."
"Uh, let's check with Erin on the sidelines. Erin?"
"Thanks, Erin."
"JOE IT APPEARS AVON BARKSDALE IS ASSAULTING ERIN. SOMEONE NEEDS TO STEP IN AND STOP THIS."
"Troy, that's Fitty Cents, and I'm sure she's fine."
"GET FREAMON UP ON THE WIRE JOE."
"Stafford out of the shotgun, and he's got Johnson deep on a seam... underthrown and picked off again! That's four for Stafford to match five picks for Sanchez! Unbelievable!"
"JOE IF I MAY INTERJECT HERE HE CLEARLY HAD MICHAEL IRVIN OPEN ON THE POST ROUTE-"
"America, I deeply, deeply apologize for subjecting you to this on Thanksgiving. Please go spend time with your families."
Last week:
M/L: 6-8
ATS: 6-7-1
Overall:
M/L: 94-66
ATS: 76-78-6
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26TH
12:30pm EST, FOX
Philadelphia at Detroit (PK) - Philly just got boatraced by Tampa Bay. That's what happens when you expect the literal worst passer in the history of the NFL to step in and command a struggling offense. Meanwhile Detroit has cobbled together two quality wins in a row. I'm going with the Lions in the pick'em.
4:30pm EST, CBS
Carolina at Dallas (+1) - Last week I said someone had to beat the Panthers this season. I thought their toughest games left were the two against Atlanta, but they look like hot dogshit right now. So it's either this game or... at the Giants? At New Orleans? Keep the 15-1 dream alive and #keeppounding. Dallas is 3-0 in Romo starts and 0-7 without him. MVP? I'm sure there will be some hot takes on ESPN about it. Greg Hardy gets his revenge game against Carolina here, so please keep women and children away from the stadium. Vegas is either underrating Carolina (again) or overrating the Romo-led Cowboys. Who cares, I've got the Panthers to win and cover.
8:30pm EST, NBC
Chicago at Green Bay (-9) - This week the Bears cut Jimmy Clausen to makes room for a guy whose name is literally pronounced "fails." You can't make this stuff up. During their three-game losing streak, I kept saying Green Bay would be fine, and they certainly looked it in Minnesota. They even had a 100-yard game from Bitch-Tits Lacy. Green Bay at home against a division rival is usually a sure thing, but Detroit just shocked the world two games ago. I don't think there's much of a chance of the Bears turning the trick. Packers win and cover.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 29TH
1:00pm EST, CBS
Oakland at Tennessee (+2) -
Yup. Tennessee has shown a little more fight under Mularkey but the team is still lacking in talent. I would tease this up a couple points and take Tennessee, but as it stands I like the Raiders to win and cover.
Buffalo at Kansas City (-4) - Buffalo got refball'd and HeadsetGate'd in last night's trip to Foxboro. The loss puts them into a tie with KC for the last wild card spot, so this is a crucial game. Tyrod Taylor hurt his shoulder or collarbone or something because he lost his balance admiring a downfield pass and fell awkwardly. Yup, that about sums up his career at Virginia Tech pretty well. Kansas City is riding a four-game win streak and just demolished the Chargers in San Diego. But Buffalo's defense will be their toughest challenge in a while, and with the injuries piling up for the Chiefs, it's hard to see them having much success moving the ball. Bills in the upset.
San Diego at Jacksonville (-4) - There aren't any high quality gifs of it, but Antonio Gates telling Phil Rivers he's gonna beat his ass on the sidelines last week is all you need to know about San Diego's season. The Jags have won two straight, which doesn't seem like a big deal until you realize they haven't done it in two years. The 2013 Jaguars won three straight with Chad Henne and Maurice Jones-Drew leading the attack. And this is a better team with a brighter future. Still, Mike McCoy is playing for his job, so San Diego could be dangerous. Or his team could just punt the rest of the season. Jaguars win, Chargers with the points.
Miami at NY Jets (-3.5) - The first time these two teams squared off, New York won by 13 points. The only thing that's changed is Miami's coach, and that won't help too much. New York has dropped four of their last five and need to get back to basics. And Miami is a very forgiving team. Jets win and cover.
1:00pm EST, FOX
Tampa Bay at Indianapolis (-3) - Tampa has back-to-back wins against Dallas and Philly. THE NFC EAST, Y'ALL. The Matt Hasselbeck-led colts have two straight wins against Denver and Atlanta. WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE NFL? This game is garbage but I guess I'll take the Buccaneers in the upset.
NY Giants at Washington (+2) - Speaking of garbage, the NFC East. New York is off a bye, and Washington got pounded by Carolina, so I'll go with the Giants to win and cover.
New Orleans at Houston (-3) - The Saints are also off a bye and breaking in new defensive coordinator Dennis Allen. Yes, the same Dennis Allen who was fired by Oakland last year after a 8-28 record as head coach. Unfortunately Hoyer the Destroyer is back and DeAndre Hopkins should play. Texans win and cover.
Minnesota at Atlanta (-2) - Despite the loss last week, Minnesota is still 7-3 and features on the of the best combinations of defense and rushing attacks in the game. Atlanta beat a bunch of bad teams early in the season and everybody thought they were good. I like the Vikings in the upset.
St. Louis at Cincinnati (-9) - Not even CASED GOD could save the Rams from themselves. They beat Seattle and Arizona, and lose to Chicago and Baltimore. Who are these guys, really? I don't know but maybe they could use a former MVP with a gigantic forehead next season. Cincy is mercifully out of their three-game prime time stretch and ready to get back to business. Still it seems like the only team they can cover against is the Browns. Bengals win, Rams with the points.
4:05pm EST, FOX
Arizona at San Francisco (+10) - Sure, Carson Palmer might win MVP honors this season. But nothing can erase this:
The 49ers are averaging 13.9 points per game. I think FC Barcelona score more than they do. Cardinals win and cover.
4:25pm EST, CBS
Pittsburgh at Seattle (-4.5) - Large Ben had a bye week to get healthy, and Pittsburgh can smell the playoffs. With the inconsistency on offense, Pittsburgh's defense has been solid, especially in stopping the run getting takeaways. Those will both be important in Seattle, where Thomas Rawls appears to have given the offense a shot in the arm. Still, these aren't the same Seahawks we're used to. I'll take the Steelers in the upset.
8:30pm EST, NBC
New England at Denver (+5.5) - TOM BRADY. BROCK OSWEILER. GET HYPE. Patriots win and cover.
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 30TH
8:30pm EST, ESPN
Baltimore are Cleveland (-2.5) - Joe Flacco and Justin Forsett are both done for the year in what has been a nightmare season for the Ravens. IT'S MATT SCHAUB TIME, MOTHERFUCKERS. At least we get some good old fashioned Johan Futbol in prime time. Browns win and cover.