Real Talk

[Mertron]

(the only deaths close to me were my grandparents but none of their deaths were out of nowhere or anything)

[Ksandra]

nah, fam. i mean, sure, there might have been more you could have done to spend time with him or whatever, but it's not like you have a magic aura of anti-depression. your presence ain't gonna cure him of depression.

i seem to recall saying this before and iirc you found some journals that mention you being distant or some shit. you don't contribute to someone's depression just by living your own life.

The very thing that makes depression depression and not just sad is that it's not a normal/healthy response to emotional stimuli. changing the emotional stimuli might help, or it might make it worse. the point is that there's no way to tell because shit's broke. so don't beat yourself up over ifs and buts.

we've all got lives to live and sometimes they don't go in the same direction as the people we love.

Yeah I hear ya, it's just, when we were seniors in hs we had a huge fight, and I hate drama, so just cut him out of my life because of it. He reached out to me while I was in college and I ignored him. It wasn't until I moved to CA and found out he was here, too, that I reconnected.

It was my own stupid pride of "I am above this drama shit" that made it so I ignored him those years ago. Looking back, it was stupid to do.

[Gredival]

my only death related regret is that i am not dead yet

[Rhyis.]

they just may not have emotional attachment the way I do or perceive things.

Years ago I dated someone who was basically devoid of emotions and couldn't even understand why I felt some ways and even went as far as to shame me and make fun of me for it

this is the literal definition of what a sociopath is. i'm just sayin

[Astylla]

this is the literal definition of what a sociopath is. i'm just sayin

I'm aware of that and I should have tried to expand on that more. I just meant that it isn't inherently a negative thing on it's own. I know I have the opposite issue of caring too fucking much about everything and everyone. There's always extremes on each side.

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[BaneTheBrawler]

Yeah I hear ya, it's just, when we were seniors in hs we had a huge fight, and I hate drama, so just cut him out of my life because of it. He reached out to me while I was in college and I ignored him. It wasn't until I moved to CA and found out he was here, too, that I reconnected.

It was my own stupid pride of "I am above this drama shit" that made it so I ignored him those years ago. Looking back, it was stupid to do.

i can see why you'd regret that. but you clearly weren't ready for reconciliation.

maturity isn't boolean, it's a slider that changes as we grow. Of course it was stupid looking back. You were a stupid teenager. Stupid teenagers do stupid teenager shit. "but i was in college" stupid adolescent, then. most people aren't fully mature until around 25.


you didn't bully him. you didn't try to hurt him. you cut what you thought was a toxic person out of your life before you had a solid grasp of what constitutes toxicity and what it means to remove someone from your life. put simply, you were inexperienced.

we all have regrets like that. stupid teenagers do stupid teenager shit. it's not your fault he responded to that stimuli (among many others- hubris to assume you were the only factor, here) in such an extreme and unhealthy way.

i totally understand why you're arriving at self blame. i get it. you regret your stupid teenager mistake and because he killed himself that's transitioning into guilt, and then into blame. it's the same mental circuit that has me so bent out of shape about not spending my life making room for people who are dear to me but who, for whatever reason, don't fit into my daily life. except because your loss was via depression and suicide (iirc suicide by diabetes?), you've got that extra element of "could i have prevented this?" to which the answer is "no, you're not magic."

i find it helpful to shove those thoughts aside (life is busy and relationships take time and effort) and focus on the time we DID have together. but i'm not dealing with that extra layer of doubt. it might benefit you to visit a support group for survivors of suicide. or loved ones of people who have committed suicide.

[Ksandra]

because he killed himself

Just for clarification, he did not "technically" commit suicide.

He went into diabetic shock and was not found for a couple of days, leading him to be in a coma and suffer severe brain damage to the point we had to pull the plug.


With that being said, he was a type 1 diabetic and never took careful care of himself regarding his diet leading to periodic hospital visits due to shock.

Hospital visits led him into not having money to pay for his insulin, thus not taking it regularly, leading to more hospital visits. Rinse repeat.

With that being said, he was severely depressed, and it doesn't seem like he cared enough to fix his habits.

So like, not physically pulling a trigger, but not doing anything to stop himself from dying, either.

[Ksandra]

With that being said, I appreciated the commentary. It's been over a year now, and I still can't quite get over it.

[BaneTheBrawler]

yeah, when i first started typing i had it in my head he actively killed himself, but then as i thought about it i remembered the diabetic thing.

i think, given the situation, it's close enough to suicide that you would be perfectly welcome at (and maybe best served by) support groups focused around that. and when my buddy passed, i sat around a fire with his family and friends and we just kinda hung out while people came to pay respects. we spent the time talking about him. telling stories about goofy shit he did, that sort of thing. i found it immensely cathartic. you might try that? just talk about him? could be here. could be a support group. could be with people who knew him. i don't think it matters.

but... i'm not sure we ever really get over the big losses that hit us hard. i think it's more like a callus. you get rubbed raw, and then after a while your skin gets thicker and thicker until it doesn't hurt as much, even though you're still being rubbed by whatever. it's been a few years now since my buddy passed, and i still get choked up about it sometimes. just not as bad or as often as i did when he first passed.

[Fondue]

finally have something to contribute
I've been dying to go look at one of these for months and decided to make an appointment to talk to someone
Wife didnt want to go, whatever- I went and test drove it and it was exactly what I had hoped for. Handled great, looks awesome, perfect for hooning.
https://bucket.bluegartr.com/84ad1d2...611f0e923f.jpg
Register to see the NSFW content
When I got home I showed my wife pictures and without even a second glance she said it looked "horrible" and she could only see "some douchebag in a pink polo shirt or 5 turkish guys" driving that and especially in that color. I'm still devastated. I don't know where to go from here.

[AoE]

Buy the car
Buy pink polo shirt with aviators
???
Profit

[Fiye]

When I got home I showed my wife pictures and without even a second glance she said it looked "horrible" and she could only see "some douchebag in a pink polo shirt or 5 turkish guys" driving that and especially in that color. I'm still devastated. I don't know where to go from here.

lmao fucking owned

own the look my dude

[Day]

Buy the car
Buy pink polo shirt with aviators
???
Profit

Lmaoo this

[NynJa]

finally have something to contribute
I've been dying to go look at one of these for months and decided to make an appointment to talk to someone
Wife didnt want to go, whatever- I went and test drove it and it was exactly what I had hoped for. Handled great, looks awesome, perfect for hooning.
https://bucket.bluegartr.com/84ad1d2...611f0e923f.jpg
Register to see the NSFW content
When I got home I showed my wife pictures and without even a second glance she said it looked "horrible" and she could only see "some douchebag in a pink polo shirt or 5 turkish guys" driving that and especially in that color. I'm still devastated. I don't know where to go from here.
[IM-G]https://bucket.bluegartr.com/9ff0fb159b25172be22aebc3a9aeb917.jpg[/IMG]

Maybe if you were wearing something other than Axe and moisturized yourself, you could have gotten a better response.

[Anoat]

M E T A

[Titanss]

Was def my mother obviously, but 2 months prior I had just lost the drummer in my band to a drunk driver that turned the wrong way on a highway that hit him and his dad head on, all 3 people died instantly. They were coming back from his dad's birthday dinner and he was gonna come over and listen to Billy Joel's stranger album and have some drinks with us (something weird we do).

Anyways that was my first big loss and my mom's cancer returned for the 3rd time all at the same time. 7yrs ago and haven't been the same since, don't sleep, anxiety through the roof, think about death all the time, sucks tbh.

Interesting. Now I look back on that dui post I made and feel guilt. My bad brother

[Tokitoki]

Is that an M2? Don't get a 2 series. Need to get at least a 3 series. Bonus points for 5 series.

[Fondue]

m2 yeah, and I dont want another 4 door so m3/m5 are out (beyond being over $100k for a m5 lmao)

m2 is based

[Tokitoki]

Fair enough.

I don't like how squat the 2 series and X1s look. More of a personal thing, though.