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  1. #1
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    2020 NFL Week 1 Thread: False Start, Covid-19. Five Yard Penalty, Replay Week 1.

    LOOKS LIKE WE MAAAAAADE ITTTTTTTTTTT

    week one of THE BEST SPORTS SEASON OF ALL AHEM is less than a week away. anyway sports fans the last 6 years of the offseason have been awful and impossible to keep track of so it’s time for a division-by-division reminder of what the hell has been going on along with what each team’s “biggest” change/story probably is (each division in order of what I think was their order of finish last year)

    NFC EAST: the eagles were the only team to not fire their head coach but should have fired their training staff (new: slay); the cowboys ditched the clapper, zeke had the rona, through rain, sleet, snow or shit, dak better have his money (mccarthy probably the biggest move, or lamb); the “football team” had so many sexual assault allegations from both players and staff the RNC will now be held in their stadium every year (Rivera, chase young?); the giants hired a young, no-nonsense head coach who probably won’t stand for players orchestrating broad daylight robberies at family picnics (judge, the giants did literally nothing else interesting)

    NFC NORTH: the packers have a top 5 qb talent of all time and thus drafted no players on offense because he’s just that good (love and the eventual boot to rodgers); if vikings qb kork coupons dies, he dies the most overpaid average qb of all time (ngokue or however that’s spelled, Diggs gone); the bears bring in big dick nick to be slightly less mediocre at qb (foles); the lions are getting a lot of sleeper hype for a team coached by an idiot (stafford health)

    NFC SOUTH: the saints did their best to maintain their roster while pushing against the salary cap, in an attempt to lose on the last play of a playoff game for the third straight year then cry about how they were the best team and the refs screwed them again (sanders); the bucs have adopted the old redskins football team strategy of winning the offseason by signing every player then going 9-7 (tompa bay); the falcons ended last season strong after almost getting their coach fired, and rewarded him by doing absolutely nothing interesting (defensive additions through draft I guess); the panthers thought the season was cancelled so they are fielding a defense consisting only of replacement players (rhule, bridgewater)

    NFC WEST: the 49ers lost the super bowl so there’s no point in thinking they’ll make a deep playoff push this year (williams); the seahawks will continue their tradition of being the most boring team in history through three quarters and hoping their qb is still alive for the fourth despite their shitty offensive line (botched robbery part deux); the rams went all-in last year and now have to hope ramsey doesn’t cold-cock goff after an INT or something (playing in front of no fans joke goes here); the cardinals are the other “buzz” team this year despite having no defense and a midget qb (Hopkins)

    AFC EAST: the pats had like ten players say fuck it and went home, they have a new qb who probably won’t pick up the system right away, and as usual this division is still so awful there’s a good chance they’ll win it anyway (cam); the bills PR staff is pushing this josh allen MVP hype a little much for captain overthrow (diggs and the assumption they can surpass the pats); if you can name more than 3 players on the jets id be impressed (gregg williams or adam gase eventually having a stroke); the dolphins are probably still rebuilding and should at least be fiesty (eventual tua time)

    AFC NORTH: the ravens have the defending mvp, and cut the mvp of brother gangbangs (i got something for all you hoes); the steelers had one of the best defenses last year so if Big Ben can socially distance his hands away from coeds at bars they should compete (bens health); the browns still have an absolutely loaded roster but have a manchild qb and a new head coach responsible for lots of kork coupons jokes (stefanski); why isn’t joe burrows nickname “jobu” (fuck you jobu, I do it myself)

    AFC SOUTH: the texans had billy o’b tank their roster harder than the economy during the first month of shutdowns (Hopkins gone, johnson in); the titans aren’t racist because they have like three black friends (I guess tannehill being given the job); the colts have a pretty deep roster everywhere along with a head coach a lot of people are high on (a new color scheme for eventual privs gifs); the jaguars have taken no fans in the stands to the next logical step: no players on the field (the will smith meme of being in an empty room, but instead of will smith it’s just a mustache)

    AFC WEST: the chiefs won the super bowl and are pretty much running it back (edwards-helaire); the raiders moved to Vegas just in time to not be able to capitalize on their new stadium at all (VEGAS!); the broncos are convinced drew lock is good and I’m convinced vic fangio should be higher up on the first coach fired list because of it (i honestly don’t remember the order the teams in this division finished in last year); find me one person who cares about the chargers with privs gone, you couldn’t even find one person in LA when he was there (herbert eventually starting)

    There now you’re all caught up. Time for you to make your predictions.

    REMEMBER: 7 playoff teams per conference now! Only the 1 seed gets the bye!

    NFC EAST: Cowboys
    NFC NORTH: Packers
    NFC SOUTH: Saints
    NFC WEST: 49ers
    WILDCARDS: Eagles, Bucs, Vikings
    1 SEED: Cowboys

    AFC EAST: Bills
    AFC NORTH: Ravens
    AFC SOUTH: Colts
    AFC WEST: Chiefs
    WILDCARDS: Pats, Steelers, Texans
    1 SEED: Chiefs

    NFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Eagles over Cowboys :D
    AFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Chiefs over Ravens
    SUPERB OWL: Chiefs over Eagles

    Awards:

    MVP: Mahomes
    OFFENSIVE POTY: CMC
    DEFENSIVE POTY: Donald
    OFF. ROOKIE: JoBu
    DEF. ROOKIE: Isaiah Simmons
    COMEBACK POTY: Alex Smith
    COACH OF THE YEAR: Reich

    FIRST COACH FIRED: Marrone
    #1 PICK NEXT YEAR: Jags
    FIRST STARTING QB TO MISS A GAME DUE TO RONA: Wentz
    NUMBER OF GAMES POSTPONED/CANCELLED DUE TO RONA: 1

    RANDOM/BOLD PREDICTIONS:
    too lazy to do a lot of these
    team that sucked last year but could surprise this year: giants (won’t make the playoffs tho)
    team that was good last year but falls off hard this year: titans

    HEY YOU. I STARTED A BG DAILY FANTASY LEAGUE ON FANDUEL. IF YOU WANT IN SEND ME A MESSAGE AND ILL SEND YOU THE INVITE INFORMATION. ONCE I SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE WE HAVE WE CAN LOOK AT RULES (price per week, number of entries allowed)

  2. #2
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    Moms Spaghetti
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    if i forgot anything too bad go to hell

  3. #3
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    Moms Spaghetti
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    y’all can post whatever gifs you want

  4. #4
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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mertron View Post
    y’all can post whatever gifs you want
    Quote Originally Posted by Mertron View Post
    1 SEED: Cowboys

    Quote Originally Posted by Mertron View Post
    NFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Eagles over Cowboys :D

  6. #6

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    I feel attacked

  7. #7
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    AFC EAST: Bills
    AFC SOUTH: Texans
    AFC NORTH: Ravens
    AFC WEST: Chiefs
    AFC WILDCARDS: Steelers, Titans, Browns

    NFC EAST: Cowboys
    NFC SOUTH: Saints
    NFC NORTH: Packers
    NFC WEST: Seahawks
    NFC WILDCARDS: Niners, Bucs, Bears

    AFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Ravens
    NFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Saints
    SUPER BOWL: Ravens

  8. #8
    Fuck It, I'm Goin Deep Fan Club President
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  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mertron View Post
    FIRST COACH FIRED: Marrone
    #1 PICK NEXT YEAR: Jags

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mertron View Post
    NFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Eagles over

  11. #11
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    Raven's Jimmy Smtih on Earl Thomas:

    "It was unfortunate, but the @Ravens organization stands by certain principles. It's a certain type of culture here and no matter who you are, you have to be a part of us. And if you're not a part of us, we don't really need you."

  12. #12
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    Sean Lee will start the season on IR, lul.

  13. #13
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    He's practically a backup at this point. Same with Jourdan Lewis who will also start the season on IR

  14. #14
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    Yeah I know that, but it makes it no less funny.

  15. #15
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  16. #16
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  17. #17
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    Superbowl bound.

  18. #18
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    Moms Spaghetti
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    time to celebrate by doing some lines

  19. #19
    I'm almost as bad as Mazmaz
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    rip dorance armstrong and joe jackson

  20. #20
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    we got the reinstated team up in here boys. aint no drug tests to stop us now

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