Hollywood: Arbitrarily Sexual Assault whack-a-mole (II)

[thetruepandagod]

i've had a girl tell me she was asexual and suffering too much from ptsd from rape to do anything at all physically. in the span of a week i'd be invited into shower to do stuff together and in less than 48hrs be told by her that me kissing her cheek was too far and rapey, and in less than another 24 hrs fuck her rapist and also sexually abuse her female coworker. i wish this on no one and this is an extreme, but jesus christ it is not abusive behavior to reaffirm the comfort levels of your partner by testing the waters during a moment of intimate closeness and mixed messages.

[Salodin]

salodin, I'm saying it's common fucking decency that someone shouldn't have to tell you to stop doing something you already told them not to do, this is kindergarten level basic behavioral type shit. I'm not going to give a person kudos for stopping something they knew better than to start. Intimate relationships aren't a "easierto ask for forgiveness than permission" situation.

Told you to do years ago, after you make it clear you're a little jealous, in the middle of intimacy. Again, context matters. Kinda like the context (that you ignore before calling him a sexual assaulter) of him immediately stopping and not doing it again.

Does it suck and is a bad situation for all involved? Of course! Never said it wasnt. But y'all are calling it sexual assault, that's the same tier as literal rape and just, nah. This isn't anything near that.

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[Qalbert]

never once have i said it was the same as rape or called it anything other than shitty/trash behavior. but again the point is COMMUNICATE with your partner, you don't get to just unilaterally decided to try something to see if their stated position has changed, you fucking ask/discuss it.

[Meresgi]

If things were heating up and he felt them up, they were like "bro I said I didn't like that" and he stopped and made a joke on it i'm gonna say that joke probably was trying to diffuse the awkward situation. That happens, doesn't mean you're a rapist. If he was trying to finger them every fucking day despite them giving clear signs and/or verbally saying no over and over again, yeah that's pretty blatant SA behaviour.

They say "cuddling" in their post but cuddling can be literally anything, my current gf uses "cuddling" in a silly way to mean "lets fuck bitch". The idea of asking to put his hand there is odd...they've been dating 4 months according to that post and if things were heated up a bit while cuddling then yeah someone is going to get handsy. You're also totally allowed to look back at it and then confront them and be like "yo, that shit you did last week or w/e trying to fondle me. That wasn't cool please don't do it again". Such a thing as tacit consent, you don't need to pull out a legal document and have them sign it, consent can be revoked at any point too during sex but if you're both sober and able getting into it then yeah consent is established until it's explicitly not either verbally or physically.

[Salodin]

If things were heating up and he felt them up, they were like "bro I said I didn't like that" and he stopped and made a joke on it i'm gonna say that joke probably was trying to diffuse the awkward situation. That happens, doesn't mean you're a rapist. If he was trying to finger them every fucking day despite them giving clear signs and/or verbally saying no over and over again, yeah that's pretty blatant SA behaviour.

They say "cuddling" in their post but cuddling can be literally anything, my current gf uses "cuddling" in a silly way to mean "lets fuck bitch". The idea of asking to put his hand there is odd...they've been dating 4 months according to that post and if things were heated up a bit while cuddling then yeah someone is going to get handsy. You're also totally allowed to look back at it and then confront them and be like "yo, that shit you did last week or w/e trying to fondle me. That wasn't cool please don't do it again". Such a thing as tacit consent, you don't need to pull out a legal document and have them sign it, consent can be revoked at any point too during sex but if you're both sober and able getting into it then yeah consent is established until it's explicitly not either verbally or physically.

You are applying wonderful nuance while others are not.

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[Demosthenes]

Good thing she used her mouth to say "no thx" and he immediately stopped like a sexual assaulter is want to do. You have to sincerely throw away ALL context to label that specific incident sexual assault.

Can't speak to any other allegation regarding him, but also haven't seen any other allegation.

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Ahh yes, he just forgot that she'd been uninterested in it their entire relationship up until that point right?

[Salodin]

No interest in him, but very interested in his sexual relationships and recent partners as well as his physical touch. Definitely not interested though

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[Demosthenes]

You're being an insufferable cunt. If someone says they don't want something accept that they don't fucking want it unless they actually say they want it. Don't matter how hot and heavy things get, you use your fucking words before you proceed. You as a fucking human have the ability to make choices. The dogs I grew up with wouldn't eat food that didn't belong to them. They wouldn't touch a steak because they'd been trained that our food was not their food. None of my cats would ever get on a countertop or table because I fucking trained them. I have hope you have more neurons firing along synapses to be more competent than a dog or a cat.

[arus2001]

Some weird "Yeah, but did you see the skirt she was wearing?" vibes going on against the girl, and probably from people who have never been in or would support an open relationship.

[Salodin]

Not so much skirt as, "did you see her engaging in consensual intimate physical contact and questioning with him, before he got the wrong idea about that and realized she still doesn't want intercourse" but a lot of people already admitted to not reading the story.

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[Roranora]

my cat gets on the counters but my dog is pretty well behaved. it would take someone special to train this baboon kitty

[kuronosan]

So this lady was in an asexual relationship and said she was fine with him having sex with other people because of his needs, he sleeps with 20+ and she has a problem with that (and with him bringing people home)? Sounds like she's also the problem just because clear boundaries weren't set in the first place.

But rubbing up against his partner despite 6 years of not expressing any interest? At the very least the guy could have said "Hey I want to try something, could I touch you" before putting his hands anywhere near her.

To call it full blown sexual assault is just... Wow. I guess by definition sure, but in this instance she maintained a relationship for 6 years, he crossed a boundary, she told him dude what the fuck, he backed off.

Fucking Internet makes every single situation a "not even once or they're shit" scenario, I swear.

But I err on the side of this being a serious violation of her body if he didn't even ask for permission.

[Demosthenes]

my cat gets on the counters but my dog is pretty well behaved. it would take someone special to train this baboon kitty

You have to start from when they are kittens.

[Meresgi]

Ahh yes, he just forgot that she'd been uninterested in it their entire relationship up until that point right?

And? My ex was a fucking freak and met them while poly and in the kink scene. She fucking loved sex but at a certain point her libido dropped to nothing (mix of work stress and other life shit) and she thought of herself as asexual for about 5 months of us living together. We'd still get heated up at times but she'd say she wasn't feeling it and I would back off, then maybe couple weeks later it would get heated again and would repeat. After 5 months things got heated, we fooled around and she jumped my bones for next couple weeks before going back to feeling very asexual.

Thing is, people's moods and feelings can change up. If they are purely 100% ace there's nothing wrong with that, but if you're getting into a relationship with someone with a high libido you do what they did, give them a hall pass but also you gotta understand that if things are getting heated up hands are gonna wander at times while hormones are raging. Now if this was recurring like every other day where he was trying to feel them up, and they kept pushing him away then yeah that's pretty fucked up but the write up made it sound like this wasn't a frequent occurrence and a 'in the moment' type deal and I would speculate the joke was a mix of frustration by him because yeah, he wanted sex and also a diffusion of the situation too. Making a quip to try to ease the tension is a pretty common defense mechanism.

Some weird "Yeah, but did you see the skirt she was wearing?" vibes going on against the girl, and probably from people who have never been in or would support an open relationship.

Was poly for 5yrs and in the kink scene for 4 of them. Lots of talks at events about consent, knew a good handful of ace people. Like I said above event dated someone who considered themself ace for a time. Also hooked up with a lot of couples too. The post reminded me a bit of some fetlife posts where someone while sober gave consent, reassured consent physically and/or verbally throughout a scene and then weeks later accused the person of sexual assault. Totally fine "hey I was into it then, but looking back I think it wasn't something I enjoyed" and gauge their reaction, but different to out them as a sexual predator based on that.

Was there physical tacit consent during them getting hot and bothered where he kept pushing it until they said "no" and he stopped? That's fine.
Did he keep going after verbal consent was revoked or the person physically expressed consent being revoked? That's sexual assault.

Even if a person isn't pushing you away or verbally saying "no", you can pretty easily tell how their body is reacting and their post says they froze up and after a minute their partner picked up on it. Should he have picked up on it faster? Probably but again devil is in the details as to what was going on.

They also express that they did not want to be told about any outside sexual encounters which is totally fine, that's how I practiced poly. I didn't care if my partner was out with others but I didn't need to hear about them fucking. Usually it was more just a "let me know you're safe" type deal. However they then cite that it was a years old agreement their partner was operating off of as if that's wrong...if they didn't sit down and reassess their situation and set new boundaries/veto powers/etc then that agreement is still the agreement. Doesn't matter how long it's been.

Poster has every right to feel however they want to feel but doesn't look like sexual assault to me unless there's more details there that are missing. Looks like poor communication and behavior on both sides.

but in this instance she maintained a relationship for 6 years, he crossed a boundary, she told him dude what the fuck, he backed off.

This is 10000x it

But I err on the side of this being a serious violation of her body if he didn't even ask for permission.

Would even say given their length of relationship it's not like making out with someone you just met and then suddenly go to grope you, but they again are asexual and their partner knew this too. Top of that it was also only 6 months so could be they told them were asexual but their partner didn't fully understand what that entailed either and figured "oh maybe they like it once a year". Whole post is missing a lot though

[Roranora]

You have to start from when they are kittens.

got him around 8 weeks, tried, failed, resigned to defeat. did he break my resolve or did he train me

[Demosthenes]

And? My ex was a fucking freak and met them while poly and in the kink scene. She fucking loved sex but at a certain point her libido dropped to nothing (mix of work stress and other life shit) and she thought of herself as asexual for about 5 months of us living together. We'd still get heated up at times but she'd say she wasn't feeling it and I would back off, then maybe couple weeks later it would get heated again and would repeat. After 5 months things got heated, we fooled around and she jumped my bones for next couple weeks before going back to feeling very asexual.

Thing is, people's moods and feelings can change up. If they are purely 100% ace there's nothing wrong with that, but if you're getting into a relationship with someone with a high libido you do what they did, give them a hall pass but also you gotta understand that if things are getting heated up hands are gonna wander at times while hormones are raging. Now if this was recurring like every other day where he was trying to feel them up, and they kept pushing him away then yeah that's pretty fucked up but the write up made it sound like this wasn't a frequent occurrence and a 'in the moment' type deal and I would speculate the joke was a mix of frustration by him because yeah, he wanted sex and also a diffusion of the situation too. Making a quip to try to ease the tension is a pretty common defense mechanism.



Was poly for 5yrs and in the kink scene for 4 of them. Lots of talks at events about consent, knew a good handful of ace people. Like I said above event dated someone who considered themself ace for a time. Also hooked up with a lot of couples too. The post reminded me a bit of some fetlife posts where someone while sober gave consent, reassured consent physically and/or verbally throughout a scene and then weeks later accused the person of sexual assault. Totally fine "hey I was into it then, but looking back I think it wasn't something I enjoyed" and gauge their reaction, but different to out them as a sexual predator based on that.

Was there physical tacit consent during them getting hot and bothered where he kept pushing it until they said "no" and he stopped? That's fine.
Did he keep going after verbal consent was revoked or the person physically expressed consent being revoked? That's sexual assault.

Even if a person isn't pushing you away or verbally saying "no", you can pretty easily tell how their body is reacting and their post says they froze up and after a minute their partner picked up on it. Should he have picked up on it faster? Probably but again devil is in the details as to what was going on.

They also express that they did not want to be told about any outside sexual encounters which is totally fine, that's how I practiced poly. I didn't care if my partner was out with others but I didn't need to hear about them fucking. Usually it was more just a "let me know you're safe" type deal. However they then cite that it was a years old agreement their partner was operating off of as if that's wrong...if they didn't sit down and reassess their situation and set new boundaries/veto powers/etc then that agreement is still the agreement. Doesn't matter how long it's been.

Poster has every right to feel however they want to feel but doesn't look like sexual assault to me unless there's more details there that are missing. Looks like poor communication and behavior on both sides.

Don't be dense, I'm obviously making the statement with the crotch fiddling context.

[Meresgi]

Don't be dense, I'm obviously making the statement with the crotch fiddling context.

Context matters lol, if they were making out and getting heated he's going to think "oh maybe she's wanting to try it" and make a move. If things were warm at best and they were just lounging around cuddling and watching TV and he just started trying to get handsy that's different.

[Demosthenes]

Context matters lol, if they were making out and getting heated he's going to think "oh maybe she's wanting to try it" and make a move. If things were warm at best and they were just lounging around cuddling and watching TV and he just started trying to get handsy that's different.

LMAO oh so you're just dense. Context matters in conversation. It can with regards to actions, but not when it involves shoving your hand in someone's crotch that has told you they don't want that, without their permission you fucking cumquat.

[Mrbeansman]

I mean it's kind of the inevitable result of the culture of "asking for consent ruins the mood". A lot of you are completely ignorant about how poly actually works and it really shows.

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[Salodin]

But did she consent to using a shock collar?

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