NFL Week 1: Joe Burrow's ascent, Russ Wilson's return, and those East Divisions.

[Tyche]

The NFL season is just 6 days away. A thread is demanded.

Season predictions

MVP - Joe Burrow
Offensive Player of the Year - Ja'Marr Chase
Defensive Player of the Year - Jaelan Phillips
Offensive Rookie of the Year - Anthony Richardson
Defensive Rookie of the Year - Jalen Carter
Comeback Player of the Year - Calvin Ridley will deserve it and not get it.
Coach of the Year - Dan Campbell

Division winners:
AFC East - Miami Dolphins
AFC North - Cincinnati Bengals
AFC South - Jacksonville Jaguars
AFC West - KC Chiefs
Wildcard teams: Denver Broncos, New York Jets, San Diego Chargers

NFC East - Philadelphia Eagles
NFC North - Detroit Lions
NFC South - New Orleans Saints
NFC West - San Francisco 49ers
Wildcard teams: Dallas Cowboys, New York Giants, Seattle Seahawks

AFC Championship: Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals

NFC Championship: Detroit Lions @ Philadelphia Eagles

Superbowl champion: Cincinnati Bengals over Philadelphia

Hot takes: Buffalo misses playoffs. Russell Wilson gets MVP votes. Josh McDaniels gets fired mid-season.

Thursday Night Football | Sept. 7
Detroit Lions at Kansas City (-6.5) - KC Wins a shootout.

Sunday, Sept. 10 | Week 1
Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons (-3.5) - Panthers better than expected.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Minnesota Vikings (-6) - TB is very bad.

Cincinnati Bengals at Cleveland Browns (+2.5) - game isn't close.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts (+4.5) - Trevor Lawrence dominates this conference this year.

San Francisco 49ers at Pittsburgh Steelers (+2.5) - Kenny Pickett plays well, Purdy starts season rusty.

Tennessee Titans at New Orleans Saints (-3) - Derek Carr starts off hot.

Arizona Cardinals at Washington Commanders (-7) - Washington holds Arizona to 0 touchdowns.

Houston Texans at Baltimore Ravens (-10) - Lamar goes for 200/100 and 3TDs.

Philadelphia Eagles at New England Patriots (+3.5) - New England pulls upset before crashing back down to earth.

Las Vegas Raiders at Denver Broncos (-4) - Russ cooks.

Miami Dolphins at Los Angeles Chargers (-3) - Tua struggles against this scheme, which Staley learned from Vic Fangio. Chargers win.

Los Angeles Rams at Seattle Seahawks (-5) - Seattle walks to a victory.

Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears (-1) - Jordan Love impresses in debut, but falls just short and Fields continues to improve.

Sunday Night Football
Dallas Cowboys at New York Giants (+3.5) - Giants run all over the field and win a low scoring affair.

Monday Night Football | Sept. 11
Buffalo Bills at New York Jets (+2.5) - Buffalo missing their premier pass rusher. Jets have Becton healthy. Rodgers eats and kicks off a disappointing season for the Bills.

[Koyangi]

The Giants strength of schedule is brutal, I'd switch them out and put in the Commies (throws up in mouth) as the wild card there.

[Mertron]

well then

[Mertron]

fuck it we’re doing it live

GENTLEMEN

BEHOLD!



I

HAVE MADE THE WEEK ONE NFL THREAD!



oh…wow. i thought mertron usually did it so he could do the dumb athf intro running jokes



YES BUT I DID IT ANYWAY! AND GAVE IT A BORING SHITTY TITLE!



ok i guess… but your predictions aren’t shitty too, right?







CURRRRRRRRSEEEEEEEEEEEE just wait

[Mertron]

football

[Rhyis.]

AFC EAST: Bills
AFC NORTH: Ravens
AFC SOUTH: Jags
AFC WEST: Chiefs
WILDCARDS: Bengals, Chargers, Jets

NFC EAST: Cowboys - Iggles won the East last year, so they can't win twice in a row. Those are the rules. I don't make the rules.
NFC NORTH: Packers - The pack will surprise this year
NFC SOUTH: Saints
NFC WEST: Hawks
WILDCARDS: Iggles, Niners, Lions

Superb Owl: Fuck it and fuck you: BOYS OVER BENGALS

Offensive Rookie: Bijan Robinson - Lock of the fucking century
Defensive Rookie: Devon Witherspoon - 8+ picks
DPOY: Micah Parsons - Homerism. Dill with it
OPOY: Justin Jefferson - Jefferson is gonna get 1800+ yards
Comeback Player: Damar Hamlin - Lock of the fucking century
Coach of the Year: John Harbaugh - Ravens will be gud
MVP: Lamar Jackson

First Coach Fired: Ron Rivera - RIP
First Pick 2023: Cardinals - Lock of the fucking century

[Rhyis.]

also the gmen haven't beaten dak presgod since 2016. the fuck is this noise

[Xno Kappa]

After the amazing success of the 2022 New York Football Giants, Joe Schoen and Brian Daboll continue their path to fulfill the 3LI Prophecy.



I had almost forgotten the feeling of true happiness with a competent front office. We got real computah folks now.

Division winners:

AFC East - Still believe the Buffalo Bills are the favorites here. Tua can't be trusted to finish the season. BB and the Pats still feel like they're missing a few pieces. Jets are still the Jets no matter how many broken down Green Bay QBs they bring on. A-A-Ron will be blaming everyone but himself by Week 6.

AFC North - Another division that's going to be a bloodbath, but ultimately Joe Burrow is Joe Burrow.
AFC South - The division is trash. Jags by default.
AFC West - Patrick Mahomes. Nuff' said.

Wildcard teams: Dolphins, Ravens, Chargers

NFC East - BIG BLUE ALL DAY EVERY DAY! Danny Dimes and Saquads are back together to terrorize your shitty linebackers while Andrew Thomas snuffs the defensive line back to the shadow realm.

Meanwhile Sexy Dexy is going to whisper sweet nothings to your QBs ear while Thibs does snow angels next their corpses.


NFC North - The Lions were becoming a menace toward the end of the previous season. They continue the trend and feast on more kneecaps.
NFC South - I honestly like the Panthers here.
NFC West - The Niners and it isn't even close.

Wildcard teams: Cowboys, Eagles, Vikings

Superbowl Champion: Danny Dimes claims his birthright and fulfills the 3LI Prophecy, ruining the Chiefs perfect season. Iggles stuff their faces in horse shit to cope. Cowgirls and Jerruh scream at the clouds "I'll get you next time, Gadget!" And the Commies just found out there was a 2023 season.

IT HAS BEEN WRITTEN! THEREFORE IT SHALL BE!

[Xno Kappa]

Please clap.

[Mertron]

eagles defense gonna be 900% better this year

https://twitter.com/adamschefter/sta...115187096?s=46

[Mertron]

coach we’re getting killed on sweep patterns can we play a short zone or something

gannon: did you ride your bike here or did you rollerblade

[Andalusian girls]

Chargers in 4

[Koyangi]

Chargers in 4

[Xno Kappa]

eagles defense gonna be 900% better this year

https://twitter.com/adamschefter/sta...115187096?s=46

Lmao the reaction shots from the players

[kuronosan]

Chiefs get to the AFC game, Eagles and 49ers meet again in the playoffs.

Bills upset the Bengals, Jags and Jets come close but just short of advancing in the AFC side.

Minnesota and Dallas are favored in the NFC but one of them is eliminated by the Birds.

Bowl will be Chiefs or Bills against Eagles or 49ers.

I think Chiefs have a rough start but ultimately end up either 15-2 or 13-4.

Edit: I also think Burrow wins MVP this year, frustrating Allen who will try but fail.

[Rhyis.]

I think Chiefs have a rough start but ultimately end up 15-2

[Krandor]

Rough start equals losing 2 games the entire season.

Ok.

[Rhyis.]

janitors... amirite?

[Rhyis.]

also you have no idea how pleased i am with myself for having a gif of a janitor shaking his head in disgust

[Tyche]

If the Bills make the AFCCG, I'll eat my Jevon Holland jersey. Von Miller out for games @Jets, @Commanders, Dolphins. They have no one to throw to outside of Diggs, who is slamming helmets in a preseason game because he hates Josh Allen. Gabe Davis is a 1 hit wonder. They turn the ball over a ton. Did next to nothing in the off-season, while Miami signed Fangio and Ramsey and Jets got Rodgers.

9 win team.