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  1. #1
    Relic Weapons
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    Nothing Really Matters.

    I want to take some time to post about something that is rather important to me. This is fun, no question, but there are some definite problems with it. Let’s say, for example, you reach level 75 on a job. Great! Now you’re ready to enjoy the end game of FFXI, but alas, it is nothing more than a really elaborate time sink. Seriously, this game will devour your life!

    Here is a personal example (I’m sure you all have one.) I know this girl. She’s rather attractive and I’d personally like to pursue a relationship with said female. In a weird turn of events, I happened to receive her phone number after an intellectually stimulating conversation. A day later, the urge to call her just randomly arose in my soul, perhaps because of the intense need for me to participate in some sort of naked fantasy with this girl.

    Now here’s where the story takes a sour turn. As luck would have it, the night that I decided to call her was a force pop for Nidhogg. I had logged on before calling her, and my LS caught me, off to DA it seems. As soon as I was in Dragon’s Aery, I told my Linkshell I was going to be afk for a while. I left my computer praying that no one would accidentally stun a darter bringing a landslide of Cursed Sphere’s upon my alliance.

    So there I was, phone in hand and number scrawled hurridly on wrist, no way was I turning back now. As I entered in the 7 digits, I could only hope that this phone call would eventually lead me on a path to escape from the hell that is virginity. I pressed the 7th number apprehensively and it wasn’t long until I heard an incredibly sexy voice from the other side of the phone. This was it! I was actually interacting with a female that existed in reality, as opposed to a balding 40 year old male named “Rrrrrrose.”

    I opened the conversation with a joke, I figured it was the best idea. Ya know, let your best qualities shine forward. The conversation went well after that, until the unthinkable happened. I sat down in a whirly chair (the kind you always spun around on when you were a kid.) and began spinning nonchalantly. Suddenly, my eyes happened to glaze over my computer screen and what did they behold?

    Looking at my computer screen prompted me to exclaim rather loudly into the phone “HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT’S NIDHOGG.” Naturally, as an upstanding female (boobs and all) this girl had no idea as to what a nidhogg was, and she was rather confused by my exclamation. The panic set in when I realized my alliance had claimed, so I tossed the phone away and jumped on to play my role. It was so exciting! I’ve been waiting to fight a king since sky’s mobs stopped being entertaining and sea looked like a fucking psycho aquarium.

    I’m sorry, I digress. The jist of this story, is that just because this game is ridiculously addictive, does not mean you should spend a lifetime playing just to lot 18 on Aquarian Abjuration: Body. Man, thing of when you were just the poor newbie in your starting city. Boy, those were the days. Remember them? When you /shouted in windurst “Come on, I need gil!” No, this isn't what we used to be. When did we turn from the optimistic level 1 nubs to the sympathy-less Triple-75 players?

    Well I’m not going to stand for it anymore! This game has stolen my life long enough, and I’ve missed out on enough booty just because I wanted “Just one more chain.” I’m going to quit right now! Yeah sure, you might expect me to run to WoW because it’s easy and whatnot, but nay good sir! NAY. This whole MMORPG thing must come to an end! I’m not taking the easy way out, I’m going to quit leveling with interesting individuals for good. I divided all my equipment to friends. I decided all the best stuff would go to my friends, but I saved 3mil to buy a stack of pebbles from the AH to make someone happy.

    So here I am. A new man! So to speak, like you, apparently free. Little to my knowledge, the only entertaining things to do in this world other than game include: sex getting high and eating. So, I had a little to learn about this world, but goddammit, I was on a mission! I stepped out of my front door, and by god, I felt like a low level again!

    Anyway I looked at it, my life had just improved! But suddenly, there was this new sensation! The extremities of my body were tingling with some sort of cold sensation. I spun around half expecting to see a Goblin Mugger casting blizzard on me, but instead it turned out to be the wind. Embarresed I was, and thinking you’re getting attacked from behind by a beastman blows in and of itself. I slowly retreated back to my house, it was really humiliating. But hey! One little gust of wind doesn’t have the testicular fortitude to take me down! And come on folks, we all know that testicular fortitude is all that really matters in this world. So this new development isn’t going to be detrimental to me.

    It’s going to be advantageous to me.

    I hopped down my stairs and shouted hello to my mama. Just as I turned into the kitchen, my eyes lay on my mother’s corpse. Someone had killed my mother! I scanned the room to look for a suspicious armed man of sorts, but to my displeasure, a man I did not find.

    This death in my immediate family along with no evidence to support how it happened put me in a state of relentless rage. I began frantically searching the room for a gun or other weapon of sorts. It was impossible for someone to kill his mother without leaving any proof! I leaned against a wall to think; There must be some evidence of his presence in this room! I decided to use my head, but like many other teenagers, my head requires peanut butter and jelly to function properly.

    As I pulled open the refrigerator door (after accidentally tripping over my mother’s rotting corpse, sorry mom!) I realized my new dilemma. WE HAD NO JELLY. Come on! Just pull the trigger and finish me off why don’t you? First my mom’s dead and now I can’t enjoy a creamy yet gooshy snack? If I was Vin Diesel, I would have torn the house down, eaten it, and shit some depleted uranium. Unfortunately, I am not Vin Deisel as he’s like twice as cool as me. I made a quick decision to retrieve some jelly before I messed with the dead body of my mother.

    Honestly, if I can’t enjoy a nice PBJ I may as well be on the floor with my mama. Seriously, what is life without snack foods? I hadalways thought that if I were a chick I would simply just die. Honestly, all these chicks are always “I’m watching my figure.” Holy shit, stfu and just enjoy some fkn cheese nips. There are like 20 hot women on the planet and the rest wouldn’t die if they gained 3 pounds. Now that I think about it, I have tons of beef with chicks, I’ve only just begun

    I think chicks are so nearsighted, but they have no idea. Every single one of them gets advances from dudes they aren’t attracted to. Now that’s ok, it happens, but I’ve come to notice that every single one of them thinks that “I think of you as a friend” is the cleverest thing in the damn book. That boat has come and gone yo. Use something new, like “I’m sorry you repulse me with your pimples and various STDs.” I’m still surprised at girls that’re weirded out by past guys that have thrown fits from being turned down with that lame ass line. It’s annoying, because guys have tons of lines they can use. Like “I’m sorry, I only date airheads.” I think all guys have a list of at least 20 lines they can use if the opportunity arises. Where did this come from? Well, I think I should give my inspiration away.

    I think every single man on this planet has received some of his testicular fortitude from the greatest man of all. That man is Mario. Seriously, think about it, can you envision anyone other than Mario saying “Mama Mia!” and looking cool as shit? Ooo, typing that makes me tingle in a purely heterosexual fashion.

    Now, I didn’t want to spring that on you so quickly and freak you out with the insane plumberness of the man himself. So I’m going to distract you for a while by talking about the shittiest movie ever. Mean Girls sucked so much. I didn’t know it was possible to show a bunch of hot girls doing whatever and have audiences disgusted. I expected to walk into the movie seeing scantily clad high schoolers with one or two gratuitous make out sessions. But nothing! Why would you see that kind of a movie if there was nothing appealing to it? Man it’s enough to make you cry

    Ok, if you’re not ready to hear about Mario, you should read that last paragraph again because I’m tired of talking about Lindsay Lohan. So here is why Mario is the coolest person on the planet. He goes to a castle to find a chick, and sees she’s not there. Does he piss and moan then turn back to his plumbing job? Hell naw! He picks up his overalls and jumps to the next castle again and again. What would you do? If this happened to anyone else they’d go spend time complaining about it on their live journal trying to figure out how they feel about it. Man, fuck live journal. I’d bitch about that, but I’ll save it for tomorrow.

    Speaking of plumbers, have you seen how much stuff they carry on their belts? Seriously, it’s like they have a the thighs of a gazelle to support all that shit. I can’t even carry that much on my back. I don’t think I’d last long as a plumber, it’d be as if the only thing that I concern myself is helping other people take shits more efficiently. Personally, I’d rather have nothing to do with people urinating, but really that might just be me. I’d rather have a job that matters.

    I think a job that would be too cool would be a high school security guard. Man that’d be sweet. Beating the snot out of late kids and sitting back to enjoy my homemade sandwich because I still live with my mom. Shit, I’d have the time of my life. I’m sure the job has perks, like being able to use a walkie talkie in school. Man, I always tried doing that as a kid, but some teacher would always come over and take it away.

    Teachers piss me off like that damn bot that sends me spam mail all the time. I honestly get shivers when I think about “Hot preteen lolitas going down on donkeys!” If I wanted to waste my time with stuff like that, I’d move down to Kansas. That shit’s only for dudes without the spine to walk up to a real girl.

    Now that I think about it, my body’s not in the best condition. It keeps aching and oozing stuff at random intervals. I gotta stop taking random drugs all the time. Although I am a fan of the infamous Nyquil. It ends up making me sleep tons of time away, but it’s a fun game I play to wake up and guess what time and where I am – Usually I’m wrong.

    Oh jeeze, look at the time. I’m sorry guys, but I gotta run. Goodbye to all my fellow readers. Everybody who read this far really need to find something more useful to do with their time. I’ve come this far, so I really should finish it off sometime. All I got to do is figure out wtf to do for the weird words like “Scaramouche or Bismallah!” Damn, that’s enough to make someone go insane. Orz.

  2. #2

    Is this the real life-
    Is this just fantasy-
    Caught in a landslide-
    No escape from reality-
    Open your eyes
    Look up to the skies and see-
    I’m just a poor boy,i need no sympathy-
    Because I’m easy come,easy go,
    A little high,little low,
    Anyway the wind blows,doesn’t really matter to me,
    To me

    Mama,just killed a man,
    Put a gun against his head,
    Pulled my trigger,now he’s dead,
    Mama,life had just begun,
    But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away-
    Mama ooo,
    Didn’t mean to make you cry-
    If I’m not back again this time tomorrow-
    Carry on,carry on,as if nothing really matters-

    Too late,my time has come,
    Sends shivers down my spine-
    Body’s aching all the time,
    Goodbye everybody-I’ve got to go-
    Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth-
    Mama ooo- (any way the wind blows)
    I don’t want to die,
    I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all-

    I see a little silhouetto of a man,
    Scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the fandango-
    Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me-
    Galileo,galileo,
    Galileo galileo
    Galileo figaro-magnifico-
    But I’m just a poor boy and nobody loves me-
    He’s just a poor boy from a poor family-
    Spare him his life from this monstrosity-
    Easy come easy go-,will you let me go-
    Bismillah! no-,we will not let you go-let him go-
    Bismillah! we will not let you go-let him go
    Bismillah! we will not let you go-let me go
    Will not let you go-let me go
    Will not let you go let me go
    No,no,no,no,no,no,no-
    Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia let me go-
    Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me,for me,for me-

    So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye-
    So you think you can love me and leave me to die-
    Oh baby-can’t do this to me baby-
    Just gotta get out-just gotta get right outta here-

    Nothing really matters,
    Anyone can see,
    Nothing really matters-,nothing really matters to me,

    Any way the wind blows....

  3. #3
    Fake Numbers
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brendam
    ...

    Beat me to it

  4. #4

    Quote Originally Posted by Omaedon
    Quote Originally Posted by Brendam
    ...

    Beat me to it
    And ive been listening to queen ever since

  5. #5
    Ridill
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    This post is a masterpiece.

    Not only does it have the Bohemian Rhapsody in it, but it also mentions Vin Diesel.

    I salute the author.

  6. #6

    The best part is that I was eatting PBJ while reading it cause I was too hungry to think.

  7. #7

    Re: Nothing Really Matters.

    Quote Originally Posted by Chreman
    Unfortunately, I am not Vin Deisel as he’s like twice as cool as me
    Blasphemy!!!!

    Vin Diesel is at least 974.8 times cooler than you

  8. #8

    hey chreman... post this on gamefaqs kthx

  9. #9

    yeah....you should probably kill yourself

  10. #10

    rofl

    Song is a classic. Had the author done this with any other song, it would have just been gay.

  11. #11
    Chram
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    If this wasn't the most overplayed song in the history of man it might've raised a smile.

  12. #12
    Ridill
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    Quote Originally Posted by Russta
    If this wasn't the most overplayed song in the history of man it might've raised a smile.
    Stairway to Heaven?

    Freebird?

  13. #13

    Quote Originally Posted by Septimus
    Quote Originally Posted by Russta
    If this wasn't the most overplayed song in the history of man it might've raised a smile.
    Stairway to Heaven?

    Freebird?
    Coming from the south, I've heard Sweet Home, Alabama and Freebird more than Bohemian Rhapsody. But maybe that's just b/c of the crappy hick town I lived in.

  14. #14
    Chram
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    Quote Originally Posted by Septimus
    Quote Originally Posted by Russta
    If this wasn't the most overplayed song in the history of man it might've raised a smile.
    Stairway to Heaven?

    Freebird?
    I can quite honestly say I've only heard "Stairway to Heaven" less than ten times in my life. And "Freebird"? I don't even know what that is lol.

  15. #15
    The Once and Future Wamoura
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    I read the OP... ;_;

  16. #16

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