LOL-worthy jokes

[Syn]

They're all numbered 1 on purpose because they are equally important.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!!!!

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

1. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

1. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

1. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

1. Check your oil.

1. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

1. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

1. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done.....not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

1. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

1. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

1. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. If it's OUR house, I don't understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

1. We're not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[Silviya]

A wise man once told me: A man will spend $1.00 on a $0.50 object he needs. On the other hand, a woman will jump at the chance to pay $1.00 for a $2.00 object that she doesn't need.

[deivi]

A white guy, black guy and a mexican guy all find a magic lamp at the same time.

the genie comes out and tells them since they all found him together they each only get 1 wish.

the black guy says, "I wish that all the black people in America that have been oppresed for centuries return to Africa and that we all live in peace and prosperity there forever" the genie nods and grants the wish

the mexican guy says, "I also wish that all my people return to Mexico and it is returned to being the great nation it once was so that we can all live together in peace and prosperity" the genie nods and grants the wish

the white guy is silent for a few minutes thinking and finally says, "so let me get this straight, all the blacks and mexicans are out of the country now? I guess Ill just have a coke"

[zakhiel]

That joke could've used a better punchline. A Coke?

[archibaldcrane]

Because there was just a race-related joke involving a Genie, I present to you another joke, contained in this short film:

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2724591

[NynJa]

A white guy, black guy and a mexican guy all find a magic lamp at the same time.

the genie comes out and tells them since they all found him together they each only get 1 wish.

the black guy says, "I wish that all the black people in America that have been oppresed for centuries return to Africa and that we all live in peace and prosperity there forever" the genie nods and grants the wish

the mexican guy says, "I also wish that all my people return to Mexico and it is returned to being the great nation it once was so that we can all live together in peace and prosperity" the genie nods and grants the wish

the white guy is silent for a few minutes thinking and finally says, "so let me get this straight, all the blacks and mexicans are out of the country now? I guess Ill just have a coke"

if you're going to fucking do it, do it right...


Yakavetta: I'm having a shitty day. I'm depressed. Tell me a funny joke.
Rocco: Uh, OK. There's these three guys walking on the beach, a spic, a white guy, and a black guy.
Yakavetta: Nigger.
Rocco: Yeah, right. So they find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says, "You can wish for whatever you want." So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof. It's done. Then he says to the black guy...
Vincenzo Lipazzi: Nigger.
Rocco: Yeah, right, he says to the nigger "What do you want?" and the nigger says, "I want all my nigger brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof. And they're all back in Africa. So... I'm not funny today, really, this joke sucks, I know...
Yakavetta: Continue the joke.
Rocco: Uh, so he says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the spics and niggers are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."

[Melena]

That joke could've used a better punchline. A Coke?

Joke was also used in The Boondock Saints.

A Russian, a Mexican and a Texan are in a plance. The captain announces over the intercom that if they don't dump some weight, there all going to crash and die. The russian walks up to his trunk, grabs a huge bottle of vodka and takes a swig. He looks at the other two and says Plenty of this in Mother Russia and tosses the bottle and his trunk out the plane. The mexican walks up to his trunk, grabs a huge bottle of tequila, takes a swig and says Plenty of this from my country and tosses the bottle and trunk out of the plane. The Texan walks up to the Mexican, grabs him and throws him out of the plane, then looks at the Russian and says plenty of those where I come from.

[deivi]

if you're going to fucking do it, do it right...

because Boondock Saints invinted that joke right?

[archibaldcrane]

A gay guy is walking down a beach, and he finds a magic lamp. So he picks it up and rubs it, and a genie pops out. The genie says "Well, since you're gay, I'm only going to give you one wish". So the gay guy makes his wish.

The genie says "Ok, go home, and you'll know when your wish is granted." The gay guy goes home, and he's sitting around, waiting, waiting, and nothing happens.

Finally, the doorbell rings, and he opens the door to find 3 Ku Klux Klan members standing at his door.

The lead one says, "I heard someone here wants to be hung like a nigger."

[Isildur]

This one is kinda old but i still find it great

A barbender desperate for money goes to the Circus with his friend, while they were there the man and his friend try to conjur up a "get-rich-quick" scheme when they see elephants. The man then discovers his foolproof idea.

Later that week, the man buys an elephant and drags it over to his bar. The man then puts the elephant in the alley behind the bar and ties it up. Afterwards he hangs a sign on his bar that says "Make My Elephant Laugh And Win The Money In The Jar ($5 Fee)" and posts an enormous jar beside it. Weeks pass, the money rolls in, and the man is finally satisfied with his savings in the jar and plans to buy a retirement home somewhere exotic.

The next night, a stranger walks into his bar and asks him if he could try it out. The man takes his $5 and the stranger heads outside to the alley. About 2 minutes later, the man hears roaring laughter from outside the bar and his face turns white. The stranger walks back into the bar, grinning at the barkeep, takes the jar stuffed full of money and walks out.

The man, refusing to succumb to bad luck, decides to try his scheme one more time. He re-does the sign to say "Make My Elephant Cry And Win The Money In The Jar". A few days pass, the money starts rolling in again and the man decides he's made enough earnings this time.

Just before the man could take his earnings and take down the sign, the same stranger walks into the bar, looks at the sign, and gives the man $5. Two minutes later the man heard horrible shouts of dispair and crying from the alley behind his bar. The stranger walks back in and collects his reward once again.

The man, not believing this has happened yet again, asks the stranger "Okay you win, i just want to know how you did it". To which the stranger replied "Well to make your elephant laugh, i told him i had a bigger dick than him. And to make it cry, i merely showed him that i did".

[Tyr]

Because there was just a race-related joke involving a Genie, I present to you another joke, contained in this short film:

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2724591

You owe me 12 minutes. Huge waste of time.


Worst of all, I kept watching because I thought something funny might happen

[archibaldcrane]

Because there was just a race-related joke involving a Genie, I present to you another joke, contained in this short film:

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2724591

You owe me 12 minutes. Huge waste of time.


Worst of all, I kept watching because I thought something funny might happen

Hey, it had a joke in it, no?

And if you felt, at the end, that it was a huge waste of time, you didn't understand it. Watch it again, hell just watch the first 5 minutes again, and you'll understand something you totally missed the first time.

[Tyr]

Because there was just a race-related joke involving a Genie, I present to you another joke, contained in this short film:

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2724591

You owe me 12 minutes. Huge waste of time.


Worst of all, I kept watching because I thought something funny might happen

Hey, it had a joke in it, no?

And if you felt, at the end, that it was a huge waste of time, you didn't understand it. Watch it again, hell just watch the first 5 minutes again, and you'll understand something you totally missed the first time.

I don't know if I missed it, but what I'm guessing you're talking about is when earlier in the clip he's eying a black man who's "checking the tires for chalk" -- in the end he's doing exactly what the guy was doing earlier. Is there more to it then that? If so, enlighten me -- at least I'd feel less pissed about losing 12 precious minutes.

[archibaldcrane]

Yep, that's what I was talking about. I'm sorry to have taken your precious 12 minutes. The film isn't a comedy.

[Tyr]

Yep, that's what I was talking about. I'm sorry to have taken your precious 12 minutes. The film isn't a comedy.

we cool g?

we cool, g.

[Exoduso]

That joke could've used a better punchline. A Coke?

Joke was also used in The Boondock Saints.

A Russian, a Mexican and a Texan are in a plance. The captain announces over the intercom that if they don't dump some weight, there all going to crash and die. The russian walks up to his trunk, grabs a huge bottle of vodka and takes a swig. He looks at the other two and says Plenty of this in Mother Russia and tosses the bottle and his trunk out the plane. The mexican walks up to his trunk, grabs a huge bottle of tequila, takes a swig and says Plenty of this from my country and tosses the bottle and trunk out of the plane. The Texan walks up to the Mexican, grabs him and throws him out of the plane, then looks at the Russian and says plenty of those where I come from.

Yup, cya in hell Mel.

[Weeks]

What's green, an inch and a half long, and smells like pork?



Kermit's finger

Also, Boondock Saints was such a godawful piece of shit that that lame joke was probably the highlight of it.

[Zalius]

So one day a German, a Mexican, and an American were on a train in the same compartment. A man opens the door and asks if they'd like anything to drink. The German orders vodka, the Mexican orders tequila , and the American asks for a beer.

The man brings back their drinks. The german looks at his bottle, takes a small sip, and to the surprise of the American and the Mexican, he throws it out the window.

"In my country, we have much finer. This vodka is cheap, useless, everywhere."

The Mexican, not wanting to be one up'd, finishes all his tequila in one drink.

"Tequila? May as well have been water. I can have much stronger anytime, in my country thats cheap, useless, everywhere."

The American takes a sip of his beer.




then he throws the mexican out the window

[Lbelle]

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.......

You talk.........................................-100
You don't talk...................................-150
You spend time with her..........................-200
You don't spend time with her....................-500

Best part of the whole list!!

[Robert]

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry everytime he has sex?
A: Because pepper spray burns.

Q: Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 20-30 lbs.