LOL-worthy jokes

[Vail]

-classic jews vs catolics
A rabbi once asked his old friend, the priest, "Could you ever be promoted?"
The priest says, thoughtfully, "Well, I could become a bishop."
The rabbi persists, "And then?"
With a pause for consideration, the priest replies, "Maybe I could be a cardinal, even."
"And then?"
After thinking for some time, the priest responds, "I may, someday, rise to be the Pope."
But the rabbi is still not satisfied. "And then?"
With an air of incredulity, the priest cries, "What more could I become? Jesus Christ Himself?"
The rabbi said, quietly, "One of our boys made it."



-another classic
A Catholic priest says to a rabbi: "It seems to me that if the Creator made pork, He must have made it for a purpose. It must be a sin not to use it then, don't you think? When are you finally going to try it?"
The rabbi replies: "At your wedding."


-Jewish Golfer
A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed on earth. On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup for a miraculous and dramatic hole in one.
The angel was horrified. "Lord," he said, "you call this a punishment?!"
"Sure," answered God with a smile. "Who can he tell?"



-Poker Game
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer says, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." He then says to the police officer, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asks the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
After an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies, "With whom?"





-New job
One day a Jewish man wakes up late for a new job interview. He quickly takes a shower, eats breakfast, and gets into his car. When he finally gets there he can't find any parking places. He looks and looks, but he just doesn't find one. finally he prays to G-d and says. "G-d if you find me a parking spot I will go to the temple every Saturday morning and I will never lie again." Two minutes later he finds one and says, "Never mind I found one!"


- Jewish Girl
A young woman teacher with explains to her class of children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.
Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A Jewish girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm Jewish."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Sara why she is Jewish.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. My Mom is Jewish, and my Dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist."




-Pope vs the jews of Rome (kinda long bare with me)
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

Having no choice, the Jews picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."




-Chinese man and a Jewish man
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing.
The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."
The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied.
"Where did your people eat for a thousand years?


-Young Hilter
A young Adolf Hilter is sitting at a bus stop waiting to goto school when a bus comes speeding buy and crashs into a building lighting on fire and killing all the passangers. The Police come by and find the young boy crying at the sight before him. The Officer ask him "Why are you crying? The bus was just full of jews." Young Adolf responds "But they could have fit so many more on that bus."


-Old Jewish Man
An Old Jewish man wins the lottery and the local news media comes to interview him.
Reporter: Sir, you just won several million dollars what ever will you do with it?
Old Man: well I think I'll give some to my children, and some to my grand children, I believe they are going to college. My oldest grand child Jeremiah is going to Yale.....................
*The Reporter pretends to listen as the old man talks about his large family*
Old Man:........... also I think I'll make some donations to charities like the Red Cross and .............................
*Again the reporter pretens to listen to stories from the old man's youth*
Old Man: *silence*
Reporter: oh? Is that everything?
Old Man: hmmm. Oh! I forgot, one last charity, I will give 1million dollars to the Adolf Hilter Foundation
Reporter: What!? Why would you do that? I thought you're jewish?
*The old man rolls up his shirt sleeve*
Old Man: well if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have these lucky numbers.


---closing note---
I'm Jewish I have every right to tells these jokes and not be prejuidice

sorry for so many \('-'*) hope you liked them

[Melena]

What's green, an inch and a half long, and smells like pork?



Kermit's finger

Also, Boondock Saints was such a godawful piece of shit that that lame joke was probably the highlight of it.

You sir take that back.

[Ins]

How do the chinese name new born children?

Throw cuttlery and china down the stairs.

[Weeks]

Also, Boondock Saints was such a godawful piece of shit that that lame joke was probably the highlight of it.

You sir take that back.

No. It is impossible to have the correct number of chromosomes and be a fan of that derivative, poorly-made piece of shit.

[NynJa]

Also, Boondock Saints was such a godawful piece of shit that that lame joke was probably the highlight of it.

I'm sorry, would you like me to quote shit like Mean Girls for you ? How about A Walk to Remember ?? Is that more to your liking ?

[macbain24]

care to explain what exactly is going on in your sig weeks?

[Jimmayus]

if you don't have the correct number of chromosomes you won't understand his sig, obviously

[Melena]

Also, Boondock Saints was such a godawful piece of shit that that lame joke was probably the highlight of it.

I'm sorry, would you like me to quote shit like Mean Girls for you ? How about A Walk to Remember ?? Is that more to your liking ?

I dunno, I think he strikes me as a Steel Magnolias kind of guy.

[Creeps]

Also, Boondock Saints was such a godawful piece of shit that that lame joke was probably the highlight of it.

You sir take that back.

No. It is impossible to have the correct number of chromosomes and be a fan of that derivative, poorly-made piece of shit.

You must not be a fucking man. Any man with a sizable pair between his legs has that movie in his top 5 favorites.

[Weeks]

It's a Civil War reenactment taking place in a parking lot. Decent scene from a great show.

My objections to Boondock Saints have nothing to do with content, as I am actually a fan of many of the movies that hack Duffy aped. The funny thing is that even the people who hired him to make the movie agree with me. The Weinsteins used him for some cheap publicity to promote themselves as the go-to producers for young Hollywood, then dumped him without a dollar of financing and left him scrambling for a production company that wasn't in on the joke. Luckily for them, chromosomal abnormalities are pretty common in the 18-to-25 white male demographic, so the resulting pile of shit shook off its awesome $25 thousand domestic gross to become a modest success on DVD.

[deivi]

ok ok enough movie banter, more racist jokes!!


A black guy walks into a temp-sevice office and tell the man at the desk, "I need you to find a job for me please, Im tired of being a lazy bum leeching off welfare and I want to work and earn my way in life."

the man says, "well it looks like we have one oppening that would be perfect for you. The job is being the personal bodyguard of a Billionare's supermodel daughter. Youll be living in their mansion, attending all the upscale parties and fine resturaunts with her and also she's a nympho so you'll be expected to attend to all her sexual needs. it pays $200,000/yr.

the black guy sighs and says, "oh come on man you're just fucking with me.."

the man replies, "well hell, you started it!"

[Isildur]

Why do black people like Basketball so much?

Cause it involves 3 of their favorite things: running, stealing, and shooting

[Anyway]

What did Abe Lincoln say after 1 long ass night of partying?

"I freed who?"

[Majin]

Man where are all the absolutely amazing jokes. I have been waiting and like only half of this thread has slightly delivered. I mean my jokes might not be the best stuff on this internets but whatever.

Q: Jesus was a carpenter, so why do we not see any pictures of him doing carpentry?

A: I have no clue, but Im sure ive seen a picture or two of him holding nails.

i do not remember how to excute that previous joke but still. i tell my jokes more mitch hedburg style so i am not used to this kind of setup. i am just posting to tell you to stop sucking or im going to post every joke that i am incable of doing correctly. i have warned you all

[Charla]

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar...
.
The atheist, meanwhile, tries to develop a cure for cancer.


How come Hitler committed suicide?
.
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.
.
.
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because he got the gas bill!

And just go to bash.org for better ones. Like:

<EqD> How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
<Castille> 1 to cry about it, 5 to post to an indie rock forum talking about how great the new lightbulb is, 15 to say that the old lightbulb was just fine, and to wish they'd stop changing their light and 25 to flame each other on typoes and musical taste?
<Castille> so ... 41?
<EqD> Frankly, I don't care. Let the little fuckers cry in the dark.

[GraveRobberX]

3 Guys are playing Billiards (Pool) in a nice swanky place.

One is Chinese, the other is American , and the last one is Japanese.

While the game is going on, they start up a conversation about how there countries newest technology are going to revolutionize the industry.


The chinese player starts it off first. He says that his country is on the up and up due to the new way people will comunicate with each other, with the help of new cell phone technology. He stated that people would get there hands implanted with a receiver and speak into there fingers and an antenna would come out of the thumb for better reception. He demonstartaed the way chinese people are communicating in his country, by putting his thumb by his ear and his pinky by his mouth. He also said the human body itself was a self-reliant battery, so no need for adapters.


The American/Japanese player looked amazed, but the American player shrugs of his dumbfounded look and starts saying, thats nothing, in America (lol, I know) we have advanced our cell phone technology to the next level. We have implanted voice activated chips into our ears/mouth, so we can talk/listen thru them. We are going to make cell phones hands free, literally free.


Both the Chinese and Japanese players were awestruck by the American player and how advanced that technology was. Just as the Japanese player was going to speak, all of sudden he grabed his stomach, winced in pain, and ran away. The chinese/american player got worried that something awful had happened to him and ran after him. They went outside and the Japanese player was no where to be found. Then they heard the bushes rustling near them. They get to the bushes and see there Japanese friend crouched with his pants down. They ask him if hes ok, he's like "YEAH!!! I need some paper, I'm receiving a FAX!"



***Sorry if it's corny, it's funnier in my Pakistani language.
***Translated as best I could, people still laugh it, hopefully you do to.