Funny Stories... share em

[Azkarin]

I enjoy checking/laughing at the random image thread and reading funny stories from people so post any funny shit that happened to you. I'll start...

Today at the dining hall here at UGA they had a themed night and they served seafood. My friend bet another friend he couldn't eat 100 oysters on the half shell. Like any normal college student the bet was taken. He started off well eating really fast. Around 50 he asked us to bring him more instead of himself getting them because he wasn't feeling so well. With shells all over our trays and table he had to stop at 73... what a bitch, I know. Anyways, we are driving home and he just starts to puke out the window. For 2 miles back to the fraternity house he is vomiting oysters out the window. We get back and he is still vomiting seafood lol.

[Huggo]

We have a dried out riverbed here in Ventura county cuz it doesn't rain that much. One year in high school my buddies and I turned it into a paintball field. We'd drag in old empty oil drums, car parts, all kinds of stuff to turn this place into a battlefield. Well one night we decide to play and the game goes on for a long time, and it starts to get dark. I see a light coming up waving around, thinking it's one of my buddies who attached a minimag to his gun.

So, I shoot at the light and instantly hear "THIS IS THE POLICE, DROP YOUR WEAPONS AND COME OUT WHERE WE CAN SEE YOU." Fuck. So we all come out, and 10 minutes later, we're all on the ground on our knees, ankles crossed, hands behind our heads. Then, all of a sudden my buddy Corey starts singing "You've Lost that Loving Feeling" and we all know the words so we start singing along. THEN, one of the cops starts singing along. They were pretty cool about it, they didn't confiscate our paintguns or arrest or anything. Just a slap on the wrist and we had to help haul all the debris out next weekend.

[Zalius]

one time in like 6th grade one of my teachers was coming over to me during a test and i was like "AH" (teh scream) and he jumped back and fell into a chair near him and kicked me out on the grounds of scaring him

man i fuckin hated that guy

[Kiro]

one time in like 6th grade one of my teachers was coming over to me during a test and i was like "AH" (teh scream) and he jumped back and fell into a chair near him and kicked me out on the grounds of scaring him

man i fuckin hated that guy

Made me lol.

[yayaok]

We have a dried out riverbed here in Ventura county cuz it doesn't rain that much. One year in high school my buddies and I turned it into a paintball field. We'd drag in old empty oil drums, car parts, all kinds of stuff to turn this place into a battlefield. Well one night we decide to play and the game goes on for a long time, and it starts to get dark. I see a light coming up waving around, thinking it's one of my buddies who attached a minimag to his gun.

So, I shoot at the light and instantly hear "THIS IS THE POLICE, DROP YOUR WEAPONS AND COME OUT WHERE WE CAN SEE YOU." Fuck. So we all come out, and 10 minutes later, we're all on the ground on our knees, ankles crossed, hands behind our heads. Then, all of a sudden my buddy Corey starts singing "You've Lost that Loving Feeling" and we all know the words so we start singing along. THEN, one of the cops starts singing along. They were pretty cool about it, they didn't confiscate our paintguns or arrest or anything. Just a slap on the wrist and we had to help haul all the debris out next weekend.

sounds so fucking cool lol

[Foustian]

This may not come across as very funny, but it was hilarious at the time.

My friends had come up to my school for the night, and went out to a toga party with my brother (forget why I didn't go). Around 2 AM one of them shows up at my dorm cuz he needs a place to sleep. He's completely wasted. He stumbles in and mumbles something about needing a place to sleep, and asks where the bathroom is. I tell him, and when he comes back, he says the exact same thing as if he hadn't just been in my room.

The next morning he wakes up and doesn't remember anything. He goes to leave and picks up his toga, and a broken chair leg falls out. The look on his face was awesome. My first reaction was "Did you break a bed?!?".

One of the friends that went with him last night lived on the floor below me, so I took the chair leg and went down to ask him what the deal was. He opens the door, and as soon as he sees the leg, he's like "That's why my arm hurts!". At this point I'm almost on the floor cuz I'm laughing so hard.

Turns out while they were walking back from the party, the friend who slept in my room had found this thing on the ground, picked it up, and starting beating the other guy with it. That dude woke up with a nice bruise and no idea how it got there.

[Takeno]

So I work for Verizon calling customers to basically offer them new packages and stuff. It's nothing major, but sometimes people's names are just so fucking hard to spell, or even read for that matter. But the name that has made me Lol the most ever is:

Coke Anne Wilcox.

...
Talk about an abusive father and a horrible childhood

[Dezzimal]

I worked on the yearbook layouts in 9th grade, and when I was doing the layout for the people that didn't get their picture taken one of the names stuck out to me: Desirae Mae Begay.

Also we managed to slip in a picture of the school mascot at the urinal into a collage page despite our supervisor's disapproval.

[XxSlusherxx]

I worked on the yearbook layouts in 9th grade, and when I was doing the layout for the people that didn't get their picture taken one of the names stuck out to me: Desirae Mae Begay.

Also we managed to slip in a picture of the school mascot at the urinal into a collage page despite our supervisor's disapproval.

On this note a friend of mine slipped Bayside in Valley scores in all the sports 'scroreboards'

[Senoska]

already told this story a few times but;
I got suspended for indecent exposure on a out of state trip. Needless to say it was funny, and involved my principle and all of the teachers saphrones the field trip

That was only the really "funny" thing I've had happen to me worth mentioning.

[Misterjingles]

Here's a story that I posted in this topic as well as the other stories.

So during a visit to Las Vegas, my friend decides to go to an "all you can eat" buffet for $10, he sees on the buffet table "fresh shrimp" so he starts chowing down. After eating 4-5 platefuls of shrimp he begins to realize, how can you get "fresh" shrimp if you're in the middle of the desert? And with that realization, the feeling hit him...in the back of the pants. So he rushes towards the bathroom, and if you recall the scene in American pie, he needs to cover the toilet, but time is running out fast and this isn't the type of poo that sticks out like a turtle head and goes back in because it was shy, oh no, it was diarrhea. So he just goes "Fuck it" and bends over the toilet and lets loose, from the expression from his face when he told the story, it must have been better than sex, or shitting in your pants. So when he was done, he turns around and sees, that an explosion of shit had just happened, there was shit on the walls, the toilet, and floor. So he calmly wipes, gets out, and goes to the sink to wash his hands. Right as he grabs soap from the dispenser, a janitor comes in and opens the stall that my friend was just in. Since my friend is fluent in 3 languages, he translates what the janitor said as "HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF GOD" and the janitor walks up to him and goes in broken english "Deed u du dis?" and shows my friend the shitplosion that he had created, my friend calmly replies "No" and walks out with the lesson learned: "be wary of fresh seafood in the middle of the desert"

My old roommate Max and I got a call from two of our good buddys from college and they wanted to get together and just shoot the shit. So we all decided we'd go to China Buffet for dinner. So we all pay and head to the buffet and we're chowing down. We probably ate a good 2+ plate fulls each. So we're all done and I look at Max and he's got the "5 year old holding his butt ready to shit himself" look. So we all head outside and get ready to leave when our 2 buddys start bringing up stupid shit we did in college. I totally forget about Max having to shit so I'm getting into the conversation and we're all laughing. That's when I see Max start to squirm a bit. He looks at me and says, "Yo, we ready to roll yet? If not, I'm going to shit myself" We only lived about 5 min from the buffet so I asked if he could hold it until we got to our apartment.

That's about when he grabbed his butt and took off back into the buffet.

About 10-15min go by, he comes walking out with a huge smile on his face. I look behind him through the window to see 3 of the waitresses holding their noses(the bathroom was right back near the counter) and they each had the "Dear god what came out of your ass?" look on their faces.

So we hung around for a bit to see if anyone would go into the bathroom to examine the damage...and sure as shit, that's when one of the chefs who was in the bathroom the same time Max was, runs out like he was on fire straight to the garbage and fucking PUKES into the garbage. I almost pissed myself I was laughing so hard. Thank god we only lived 5min away because I sure as hell wasn't going to go in there after seeing that.

Last Fall my roommate and I had out first party at our apartment right after midterms and his best friend Matt comes over. About ten of us at the party all having a good time, went through about three 30 racks in a hour and a half. Matt has been up all day from midterms so after a couple games of Beirut he passes out on the couch with a beer in his hand.

Next afternoon he is laying on the floor of my living room with all my cushions on the floor, and wet. He gets up and looks at me and says "I must have spilled my beer after I passed out" which I would have believed if it was one or two cushions, but he soaked eight out of nine. I agreed with him to save face, and he never admited to pissing all over the couch which I slept on 90% of the time.

Skip forward to the spring its my roommates 21st birthday and he goes out with Matt for the night to celebrate, I had midterms so I was at the apartment. My roomate comes back the next afternoon, and I have to buzz him in but Maat is with him and my roommate is wearing some Tufts rugby shorts and a T shirt (Matt plays rugby for Tufts) which he obviously wasn't wearign the night before. He is also holding a large black trash bag filled with something and before the smell hit me, Matt says to me "Hey remember that time I pissed all over your couch, well Dan got me back, he shit all over my apartment...." Then the smell of the most terrible Jaegershits hits me. Dan was so drunk he shit in Matt's living room on the floor, stepped in it, trailed it into the kitchen, bathroom and even got some on a doorknob.

The smell from the bag was so bad, I had to leave the apartment it smelled so bad, but I thought it was funny as shit.

[Vertabreaker]

Since MisterJingles included my poop story about my old roommate and I it reminded me of our last day in college before we graduated and had to walk the next morning.

My last class finished @ 1:30PM and I pull up to our apt. and I see Max on the top deck with his laptop and a case of beer. He leans over the railing 1/2 drunk already and yells, "Yo! it's fucking case day...go back to the pub and get a case!" I figured, hey last day of college, what the hell? So after I get my case and come back we start downing beer after beer. Our friends are slowly makeing their way over our apt to hang out. Before we know it, it's getting super late.

So before I know it I'm blacked out in my bed, and the only other people that I knew were in the house were Max and his girlfriend at the time. So the next morning(AM of graduation ceremony), I wake up feeling like a was beat with a baseball bat all night. All of my joints were sore and then the real shocker came when I pulled the covers off. About 75% of my body was covered in bruises. My first thought, "HOLY SHIT! I WAS hit with a bat" So I make my way downstairs to see Max praying to the toilet gods and his GF standing there shaking her head. I ask her wtf happened the night before and she goes on to tell us how Max and I thought we could fly and everyone didn't believe us so we tried to prove it by throwing ourselves down the stairs....over and over.

And apparently at one point, Max attempted to jump off the second floor deck to prove the point but someone stopped him.

If I learned anything that night it was this....I can't fly.

Neither can Max.

[Norelco]

LOL, I'm seriously cracking up at work and getting weird looks.

Have you guys seen http://www.tuckermax.com ? This guy has amazing stories just like the ones you guys are telling.

Here's a short one. I have many. Thursday nights were quarter draft nights (25 cents). So we went to bar, got as many as we could put down. I'm talking like...we had enough empty cups to stretch from the table we were sitting at to the ceiling.

I'm no more drunk than normal, but I head home and pass out. In the middle of the night, I have a dream that I have to get up and go to the bathroom. Outside of my room, our bathroom is the first door on the left. My roommate Nick was in there and I was so drunk that I thought the closed door blended into the wall...so I went into the first door on my left...that was open. It was my roommate Bill's room. He wasn't home, he as spending the night at his girlfriend's place across town. If you map out the layout of the bathroom to his room, the toilet just happens to be where his computer keyboard was. So I pulled down my boxers and just started pissing all over his desk and his keyboard.

I wake up a few hours later, and I go to myself, "did I do what I think I did?" I walk into his room and pick up the keyboard. Fuck...it wasn't a dream. Piss just starts flowing out of the keyboard onto the desk below. The next day he comes home and he's like "WTF MY COMPUTER IS ON THE FRITZ".

I didn't really feel like getting into why I pissed all over his keyboard, and I was a computer tech at the college, so I said I'd take a look at it for him and just ended up giving him a new keyboard and his computer magically worked again. :D

[Norelco]

Ah, another time we decided to do a power hour (a shot of beer every minute for 60 minutes) before we hit the bars. My two roommates decided it would be a good idea to get some food on their stomachs so one makes a pot of mac n' cheese, and the other makes a fucking tuna melt with hot sauce all over it.

That night we made a rule, the first dude to puke had to wear a giant fucking sombrero out to the bar the entire evening. After 24 minutes/shots the kid who made the tuna melt runs outside to throw up. He walks back in, and the rest of us go "Get your fucking sombero on."

At the 55 minute mark...so close...almost done...the kid who made the mac and cheese gets up and starts walking around. We're all like "uh oh...here it comes". The kid makes a b-line for the bathroom, but after 2 steps he turns to us, puts his hand in front of his face, and just starts gushing. I mean, you see full, un-eaten mac and cheese and beer start to spew out from between his fingers that he just put in front of his mouth. It was probably one of the funniest things I've ever seen...a pile of un-chewed mac n' cheese sprayed all over the floor and wall.

Later that night I was super drunk from doing the power hour + an extra 40 minutes (century club) and the parties we went to afterwards. Managed to get kicked out of 2 bars that night. One of them included throwing a chair over the balcony. Good times.

[-Zynk-]

Well I have a lot of crazy as hell stories that I have sat and told people on vent and what not. Me having a really thick southern accent it only makes the stories that much better. It isn't the same for me to sit here and tell you the story on a forum, but I'll do it anyways.



Ok if you're like me you hate to take a shit anywhere other then at home and what not right? So I was in 4th grade and I had never needed to take a shit at school. Well that day came.... It was in the morning. So anyone that hates to take a shit at school you just hope you don't need to in the morning, because you'll be holding that shit a long ass time till you get home. haha So anyways I got up and asked the teacher if I could go to the restroom. So she lets me go and I take off and it wasn't that bad at 1st. So I get there and I go to pull my pants down and before I get them down and can sit down I fucking shit ALL over the place... I had shit from my ass to my toes... I had shit on the floor on the walls you name it shit was there. Ok so I'm standing there without any shit on my hands. I just had shit on the lower part of my body pretty much. So I didn't really know what the hell to do. SO I was there for a good 30mins give or take. Then this little 1st grader walks in. He just randomly yells out "I'm telling!!" when he seen the shit on the floor and what not I guess. So I yell back at him "Yeah! Tell someone to come clean this up!" So about 10mins goes by. The teacher comes in and was like "Lord honey I had no clue you needed to go this bad." So me being a pretty good size boy they didn't have any cloths or anything to fit me in the school.... So what they done was got a bag and cut out 2 holes and made me put my feet in them. Then they just wrapped the rest of the bag around me. They called my mom and then sat me in the office. Now just sit and think of this little fat kid that STILL had shit all over him and had a bag wrapped all around him so shit wouldn't get on anything else. So I'm just sitting there waiting on my mom to come pick me up. When mom comes in the office she didn't know to cry, laugh or be pissed off. So she just goes "Come on son lets go home and get you cleaned up." So that pretty much ends my story I guess.



I'm sorry if I misspelled a few words and what not, but this would of been SO much better if you heard me tell it on vent so you could just hear my southern accent

[½pint]

LOL, I'm seriously cracking up at work and getting weird looks.

Have you guys seen http://www.tuckermax.com ? This guy has amazing stories just like the ones you guys are telling.

Here's a short one. I have many. Thursday nights were quarter draft nights (25 cents). So we went to bar, got as many as we could put down. I'm talking like...we had enough empty cups to stretch from the table we were sitting at to the ceiling.

I'm no more drunk than normal, but I head home and pass out. In the middle of the night, I have a dream that I have to get up and go to the bathroom. Outside of my room, our bathroom is the first door on the left. My roommate Nick was in there and I was so drunk that I thought the closed door blended into the wall...so I went into the first door on my left...that was open. It was my roommate Bill's room. He wasn't home, he as spending the night at his girlfriend's place across town. If you map out the layout of the bathroom to his room, the toilet just happens to be where his computer keyboard was. So I pulled down my boxers and just started pissing all over his desk and his keyboard.

I wake up a few hours later, and I go to myself, "did I do what I think I did?" I walk into his room and pick up the keyboard. Fuck...it wasn't a dream. Piss just starts flowing out of the keyboard onto the desk below. The next day he comes home and he's like "WTF MY COMPUTER IS ON THE FRITZ".

I didn't really feel like getting into why I pissed all over his keyboard, and I was a computer tech at the college, so I said I'd take a look at it for him and just ended up giving him a new keyboard and his computer magically worked again. :D

Power hour is alright, but you should try a power half-hour. It's a great pre-watering hole event, a shot of wine every minute for half an hour, you get exactly 1 bottle of wine down you. Sure it's wine and tastes like crap, but for just half an hour it's an extremely efficient way to get hammered in a really, really short time. At our peak, one of my friends was managing it with port (23% abv) which is almost like doing it with malibu or archers or some other low alcohol spirits.

[Norelco]

Power hour is alright, but you should try a power half-hour. It's a great pre-watering hole event, a shot of wine every minute for half an hour, you get exactly 1 bottle of wine down you. Sure it's wine and tastes like crap, but for just half an hour it's an extremely efficient way to get hammered in a really, really short time. At our peak, one of my friends was managing it with port (23% abv) which is almost like doing it with malibu or archers or some other low alcohol spirits.

Either that or down a bottle or two of MD 20/20 if you can stomach it.

[Misterjingles]

So a few months back my friends and I were hanging out, and being the young and stupid people that we are we actively play the game of "Bangkok" (don't know how it started, but we've been keeping to the tradition). So my friend Phil, out of nowhere, comes up to my friend Joe and goes "Hey, whats the capitol of Thailand?" and before Joe can muster any type of defense to his crotch Phil goes, "BANGKOK" and destroys his nuts. So Joe is on the ground and Phil is just laughing his ass off, and Joe is getting angrier and angrier, and then punches out in the general direction of Phil, and connects... to my friends Rich's nuts, he's totally destroyed from the blow and barely gets out the "DUDE WTF?!". So both my friends are down and Phil is just busting up. Now my friend Joe is a diabolical person, so he waits for his revenge. So after a couple of hours and a few drinks we're all playing charades (because any game is fun when you're drunk) and all our attention is (somewhat) on Richard(another guy) and out of nowhere we just hear a WHAM and turn to see Phil on the ground grabbing his crotch, so we look at Joe who's sitting on the other side of the table, then back to Phil, and realized that Joe got Phil back. Now how he did it was more on the tune of Metal Gear Solid, while everyone attention was on Richard, he crawls underneath the table, maneuvers arounds the legs of 10 or so people, reaches the chair Phil was at (and knowing how men sit with their legs open) fucking does a Dragon Uppercut or the finishing uppercut that you do in Mortal Kombat on his nuts, instantly destroying Phil's pride and nuts, which also made him stand up from the blow and land on the ground (which caused the loud noise) and crawls back to his chair and made it look like nothing happened. No lesson learned here today kiddies, cept that I wonder how our children will turn out to be...

[Kainstryder]

This happened to a best friend of mine. My friend Mike about 3 years back worked part time at McDonalds. He just had gotten off from closing and was heading home, and gets a call from our friends Dan and Corey. Apparently they're up in Buffalo NY at a party and they need a ride home because they're drunk. So after begging him, Mike goes and gets them. Now, a bit of a back story with Dan. Dan's like your typical goof off and slacker, but he's a cool guy who you always heard about getting into trouble or just acting like a clown. Corey's not important to this story, but to understand this, you needed a bit of a focus on Dan.

Now, by the time Mike reaches Buffalo, it's like 3 AM and Dan/Corey are wasted. I mean there's wasted and then there's wasted. They were wasted. By the time they get home after dropping Corey off, it's about time for Dan to go into work, who by the way worked w/ Mike at McDonalds. Mike takes him in and the manager is like staring at him, tells him to stop 8 feet away and goes "I can smell the beer on you from here. If you work, you're fired. If you don't work, you're fired. Find someone to fill in for you."

It's at this point he turns to Mike, still drunk and 1/2 out of it and manages to slur "Caaann uuu werk furr meh??" Mike for whatever reason agreed and he takes him home, only to have Dan tell him he can't be in the house drunk or his father will go nuts. So, he takes him to his house and Dan's passed out on his living room couch sobbering up, with his mom, brother and sister just seeing this kid asleep in their living room. So Mike goes in, understand the guy's been working since 6 PM the night before, no sleep, drove to and back from Buffalo and now has to work another shift.

He ends up doing truck with Terrance, who if you've ever seen Of Mice and Men, picture Lennie. This is the guy. Terrance is like throwing boxes at Mike at roughly 40 MPH yelling "CATCH!" So that was his morning. He finally gets off work, heads home to sleep. Dan's sitting on his couch eating cereal and watching Star Wars. He casually says hey and asks if they're doing band practice tonight. Mike goes "Dude, I'm fucking tired, I'm going to sleep" He replies "Pussy".

Later that day, Mike ends up waking up a few hours later, Dan wanted to get their paychecks. They go down and Dan's envelope is thicker. He opens it and finds out he got Employee of the Month. Yeah Mike was happy, especially when Dan told him he'd give him 1/2 of the bonus pay of $20.

[BRP]

Millions of Jews died in the holocaust.