funniest joke or phrase

[Riley]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!?'"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what would you say?"

[chesh]

Two baby seals walk into a club.

lol thats so not cool but funny at the same time

Yeah, it's terrible, content-wise. I'm more amused by the meta aspects of it - it's a standard opening line to a joke, but the entire joke and punchline is contained in that one sentence. It's like the concentrated essence of "joke".

[Parshath]

Heard this back in highschool... always thought this was funny despite the racism

guy1: did you know hitler killed thousands of jews and 1 clown..

guy2: 1 clown?

guy1: see no one cares about jews

I smell bash.org

[Khamsin]

Two baby seals walk into a club.

lol thats so not cool but funny at the same time

Yeah, it's terrible, content-wise. I'm more amused by the meta aspects of it - it's a standard opening line to a joke, but the entire joke and punchline is contained in that one sentence. It's like the concentrated essence of "joke".

Time for me to formulate an evil plan to extract, concentrate, and bottle this jocular essence. I will repeat old jokes until they aren't funny anymore, and tell good jokes poorly, thereby squeezing out all the humor. After collecting the raw humor as it escapes, I will distill out the impurities and sell the concentrate. I could make a fortune with boring people or stand-up comedians that have run dry.

Look for it on QVC:

http://witchcraft-supplies.com/Products2/JOFAW.gif
Essence of Joke
1 dram vial
$39.99

But if you call now, you can pre-order my new collection of perfumes and scented oils. Now you don't have to tell jokes to be funny. You can be funny smelling, too!

http://www.whitemagic.com.au/images/...ants2-nail.jpg
Jocularity by Khamsin
Two oil bottle pendants
$129.99


I don't know about you guys, but I think I just hit the jackpot here.

[Swampthing]

I'm just waiting for a link directing me where to buy!

[Tajin]

Your face, your ass, what's the difference?



Good old Duke Nukem

[Byrd]

A young woman comes into the doctor's office and the doctor asks her what's wrong. She takes off her shirt and she's got a strange rash in the shape of an "I" on her chest.

The doctor asks her if she knows what's causing it. She says "Well, my boyfriend when to the University of Illinois and apparently lost his virginity there, so whenever we make love, he wears an Illinois sweatshirt with a big "I" and apparently I'm allergic to whatever they make the letter out of."

The doctor nods, gives her some Hydrocortisone and sends her on her way.

A week or so later, another young woman comes in with a similar rash on her chest, but in this case, there's a big "P" on her chest. The doctor asks her what's wrong. "Well, my boyfriend goes to Purdue and every time we make love, he wears this sweatshirt that has a big P on it."

The doctor nods, gives her ointment and sends her on her way.

Another week goes by, and a woman comes in and takes off her shirt. She has a rash in the shape of a W on her chest.

Before she can say anything, the doctor says "Wait. Let me guess. Your boyfriend goes to Wisconsin."

"No," she says, "but my girlfriend goes to Michigan."

[Norelco]

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A dictator (dick-tater)


Two gay guys and two lesbians leave from Chicago to Las Vegas, who gets there first?

The lesbians because they were going 69 while the guys were still packing their shit.

[Swampthing]

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A dictator (dick-tater)

that made me lol

[.Dave]

how many legs does a black rooster have?
uh....2?
how many legs do 2 black roosters have?
uh....4?
how many legs do 3 black roosters have?
uh....6?

Alright, thats enough.
How many teeth does a cat have?
uh wtf dude how am i supposed to know
How many teeth do 2 cats have?
dude you know i dont know
How many teeth do 3 cats have?
dude fuck this this is bullshit

im so disappointed in you, you know everything about black cocks but dont know shit about pussy

just lol

[Ddz]

So this blonde is getting real tired of being called dumb for the color of her hair, so she decides to dye her hair brunette and move to the country where no one knew her.
She drove far into the countryside, and happened upon a little farm, where she decided to test her new look and see if people treated her differently. She was feeling pretty smart that day, so she knocked on the door.
"Hello", answered the farmer. "Hey there farmer, I bet you if I can guess the number of sheep you got in your pasture over there, I get to pick the one I want and take it with me to start my new farm up the road." The farmer chuckles, sure she wouldn't guess, "Go ahead, take a guess and it's yours." "Two-hundred and sixty-two sheep", she replied. With a shocked look on his face he exclaims "Holy shit how did you know that? Take the one you want, haha." So the blonde proceeds to pick her sheep and begins to drive away, happy as can be, when she spots the farmer in her rearview mirror, waving his arms around and chasing after her. She stops the vehicle and rolls down her window.
The farmer pants "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[Norelco]

Why are black people so tall?

Because their knee grows.

[Charla]

Someone in my LS made a joke LS called Kneegrows one time. I don't remember if they made him change the name eventually.

[Zigma]

This took place at school a bit ago.



Johhny is working on an ad to put on craigslist.


Joe: Whatcha working on?
John: An ad, See if i can make some money fixing peoples computers
Joe: oh nice, where you going to put it?
John: Gonna staple it to your girls ass, so all the niggaz can see.

[The_OG_Nelta]

Why did the little girl drop her balloon.



















































BECAUSE SHE WAS GETTING RAPED IN THE FACE

[Kaliden]

Fun for the whole family o_q

[Jefe]

Time for more shitty jokes!

Dude 1: You know, I really hate racist jokes, specially Jewish jokes. All of those jokes are just... macabre and cruel, sends chills down my spine.
Dude 2: Oh, why is that?
Dude 1: Well, my grandfather died in a concentration camp.
Dude 2: Yikes! I'm really sorry.
Dude 1: Yeah, he fell from a watch tower.
---------------------------------------------------------

So this crazy house was overcrowded and the director decided to have all the patients take a test. The test was to draw a door, see the behaviour of the patients and decide who was sane enough to be released. They draw a door on a wall...

-A patient runs toward it and tries to open it.
Director: Take him away!
-This time they release a group and all of them rush towards the door. However, this time one patient stays behind, laughing...
Director: Send that group to their rooms. "I think we have a sane individual, he distinguished the door was nothing but paint," the director thought.
Director: You there, why are you laughing?
Crazy guy: Because they won't be able to open the door.
Director: Oh, why is that?
Crazy guy: Because I have the key.
-----------------------------------------------------------
To hell with it, maybe is the smirnoff, but I'm going for the trifecta.

A British explorer finds himself in great danger while trying to run away from a tribe in Africa.

He was hiding in some bushes. Behind him there were hungry lions, and in front the cannibals!
-"I'm fucked," the explorer says.
Suddenly the heavens open up and an angelic voice says:
-No, not yet, my son. Here's what you need to do: Run straight to the tribe, punch the leader, grab his lance, and kill his son.
Thinking that he had no option, the explorer listens to the voice, runs directly to the tribe, punches the leader, grabs his lance, and kills his son!
-The angelic voice says: "Now you are fucked..."

Yeah, the hilarity gets lost in translation ;(

[Charla]

Time for more shitty jokes!

Dude 1: You know, I really hate racist jokes, specially Jewish jokes. All of those jokes are just... macabre and cruel, sends chills down my spine.
Dude 2: Oh, why is that?
Dude 1: Well, my grandfather died in a concentration camp.
Dude 2: Yikes! I'm really sorry.
Dude 1: Yeah, he fell from a watch tower.
<_<;

That's in the nofx song, arming the proletariat with potato guns.

[Angelsin]

Employee Evaluation

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote
the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read
only the odd numbered lines.

__________________________

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother" she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
__________________________

Guys vs Girls at the ATM

HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM.
2. Insert card.
3. Enter PIN number and account.
4. Take cash, card and receipt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM.
2. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
3. Shut off engine.
4. Put keys in purse.
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine.
6. Hunt for card in purse.
7. Insert card.
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
9. Enter PIN number.
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number.
12A Hit "cancel."
12B Call husband/boyfriend to get correct PIN number.
13. Check balance.
14. Look for envelope.
15. Look in purse for pen.
16. Make out deposit slip.
17. Endorse checks.
18. Make deposit.
19. Study instructions.
20. Make cash withdrawal.
21. Get in car.
22. Check makeup.
23. Look for keys.
24. Start car.
25. Check makeup.
26. Start pulling away.
27. STOP.
28. Back up to machine.
29. Get out of car.
30. Take card and receipt.
31. Get back in car.
32. Put card in wallet.
33. Put receipt in checkbook.
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook.
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook.
36. Check makeup.
37. Put car in gear, reverse.
38. Put car in drive.
39. Drive away from machine.
40. Travel 3 miles.
41. Release parking brake.

[Elcura]

that bob smith joke was excellent.