FFXI - The Ambitions of Yin

[Jkun]

Your writing is almost totally ignorant of ingame plotlines. You seem to know the very basic things which the main missions scratch the surface of, but you've shown a deep ignorance of auxilary storyline. Please don't write FFXI Fanction unless you understand the world-setting and make some attempt to conform to canon plot.

Holy crap, you're right!

We should have all known fan fiction was based on fact and accurate detail. I just totally missed the episodes where Captain Kirk seduced Spock.

Well said!

Keep writing, I loved it!

[Sho]

Like Ishido said, I'm not certain if you're looking for some honest critiques, or just an audience. Assuming the former...

I also greatly disliked the fact that you named several of the characters after members on the BG board. It makes it seem like the story is meant to be an inside joke between yourself and them, one that the rest of the readers aren't invited to share in. It's also, again, jarring and brings me back out of the story everytime I read about Pope Rocl or High Priest Septimus. Also, why does a nation built on a theocracy, one without any form of nobility outside of the church (so far as we've seen) have a "Princess?" It seemed like you just chose a random title because you wanted your readers to perceive Nikkei in a certain way without bothering to fit her in to the heirarchy you'd already created.

That was the whole point, lol. BG members (and some outside of the LS and even the server) have been seen as "members of Yin" since time-indefinite, if you been here long enough to read titles and sigs. Also, Rykoshet and Elmer [the Pointy] takes part in the plot... they are not even on BG's server (Fairy and Gilgamesh respectively, as to the LS being on Bahamut), lol.

Everyone [in BG] perceives Nikkei to be the "princess" of thier LS, just like they see Rocl as a Wamoura-Pope, Kuno as the suicidal BLM, Sonomaa as Bankitty, and so on. Elmer as a "Master Scribe" is a throwback to Elmer translating hella stuff for the forums from Japanese; Ryko's part in the plot is as intimidating as he make his posts here on BG. Mr. Pope has a nice way of adding everyone's mannerisms into the story, if you really know about these people, lol.

Outside of all of it, I think a few readers here forgot that this is a fanfiction, and doesn't have to be canon in some areas.

[Plow]

Like Ishido said, I'm not certain if you're looking for some honest critiques, or just an audience. Assuming the former...

I also greatly disliked the fact that you named several of the characters after members on the BG board. It makes it seem like the story is meant to be an inside joke between yourself and them, one that the rest of the readers aren't invited to share in. It's also, again, jarring and brings me back out of the story everytime I read about Pope Rocl or High Priest Septimus. Also, why does a nation built on a theocracy, one without any form of nobility outside of the church (so far as we've seen) have a "Princess?" It seemed like you just chose a random title because you wanted your readers to perceive Nikkei in a certain way without bothering to fit her in to the heirarchy you'd already created.

That was the whole point, lol. BG members (and some outside of the LS and even the server) have been seen as "members of Yin" since time-indefinite, if you been here long enough to read titles and sigs. Also, Rykoshet and Elmer [the Pointy] takes part in the plot... they are not even on BG's server (Fairy and Gilgamesh respectively, as to the LS being on Bahamut), lol.

Everyone [in BG] perceives Nikkei to be the "princess" of thier LS, just like they see Rocl as a Wamoura-Pope, Kuno as the suicidal BLM, Sonomaa as Bankitty, and so on. Elmer as a "Master Scribe" is a throwback to Elmer translating hella stuff for the forums from Japanese; Ryko's part in the plot is as intimidating as he make his posts here on BG. Mr. Pope has a nice way of adding everyone's mannerisms into the story, if you really know about these people, lol.

Outside of all of it, I think a few readers here forgot that this is a fanfiction, and doesn't have to be canon in some areas.

I haven't actually read it yet, but I'm a little confused by you saying that.

according to this:

Well would you look at that? Yin is in the title! Looks like 50% of people will turn away and not read it now. Just writing this note to let the Yin fad haters know that just because Yin is in the title of the story, it doesn't mean it's going to be a whole story of "Praise be to Yin." Yin is not the main character, I am not the main character, the Church of Yin is not the protagonist. Hate the Yin fad all you want, but this story was seriously written has a pretty deep plot. I also wrote it a little bit different than traditional fanfic. So thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy the first installments.

it seems to say it's not like that.


But from skimming it over and reading your post it sounds like it is?

[Nikkei]

Everyone [in BG] perceives Nikkei to be the "princess" of thier LS

XD I wish, Daahan said I'm the mommy of the LS. I gave myself the title princess a long time ago when we were talking about that Pretty Pretty Princess game. It was a joke on the whole whoever wore the crown at the end of the game was the Princess and so I always wear my opo crown.

Daahan, it came out really well, the script-like style of the story is different, but also makes it easy to read. I found that sometimes when people are new to writing fanfics they start to use him,her,he,she and words like that too often, forgetting that they might be the only one familiar to what character they are referring to in a situation with multiple characters. Also the BC style fighting with abilities is awesome lol. It's definitely different from any fanfic I've read and it's really fun to read so kudos to you. =D>

[Sho]

Everyone [in BG] perceives Nikkei to be the "princess" of thier LS

XD I wish, Daahan said I'm the mommy of the LS. I gave myself the title princess a long time ago when we were talking about that Pretty Pretty Princess game. It was a joke on the whole whoever wore the crown at the end of the game was the Princess and so I always wear my opo crown.

:O Learn a bit more everyday about your wacky LS, lol.

[Magewrath]

Well, I've just finished reading it and I enjoyed it. Well done.
As someone else has mentioned, the script style really was nice to read, and the BC bit was fun. I particularly liked the descriptions of the equipment (I'm assuming Kuno had a Thunder/Jupiter's Staff?).

In all honesty, I have no idea what 'Yin' is, so I found it quite easy to read the story with no prior judgement on the matter.

Only one minor detail that I would pick at, but is entirely your artistic right to ignore it, was the fact that Manafont got interrupted by a melee strike, HAX! :D

Overall, a very nice read and looking forward to Chapter 2

[Attila]

Haven't read it, but I fully intend to.

To whoever was complaining about BG posters being characters, if you can't write and include your friends, what the hell is the point.


Edit:

Daahan: I am Pope Daahan von Yin I, First Pope of the Church of Yin, chosen by the Godhero to create the Church of Yin and govern the Province of Yin. It is rare that we ever have visitors from the nations in the southlands. Tell me, what is the purpose of your presence in the Province of Yin?

lol I love that.

[Steveon]

Though I may be considered one of the 'Yin fad haters', I enjoyed reading the story. I look forward to the next chapter.

As for the people that bashed him because of spelling errors or sentence structure or even overall knowledge of the FF story, the fanfic was posted for fun, not something to be reviewed or graded. He was working on something and wanted to share it with a community; something that most people are too timid/scared to do. Just pat him on the back and congratulate him on a nice job (and yourself for getting through such a long post )

[Nikkei]

Everyone [in BG] perceives Nikkei to be the "princess" of thier LS

XD I wish, Daahan said I'm the mommy of the LS. I gave myself the title princess a long time ago when we were talking about that Pretty Pretty Princess game. It was a joke on the whole whoever wore the crown at the end of the game was the Princess and so I always wear my opo crown.

:O Learn a bit more everyday about your wacky LS, lol.

You don't even know the half of it. :wink:

[Sho]

Everyone [in BG] perceives Nikkei to be the "princess" of thier LS

XD I wish, Daahan said I'm the mommy of the LS. I gave myself the title princess a long time ago when we were talking about that Pretty Pretty Princess game. It was a joke on the whole whoever wore the crown at the end of the game was the Princess and so I always wear my opo crown.

:O Learn a bit more everyday about your wacky LS, lol.

You don't even know the half of it. :wink:

This is true, but as subtle as Mr. Pope puts it... I see mao.

[Kael]

I like it, I read the whole thing.

Honestly I was a bit skeptical of how it would turn out because I'm pretty picky about writing styles.

The setting is good, the story is good and detailed well.

No complaints about the Yin stuff. It's kind of expected.

All in all, good stuff. Great work Dahaan.


On a less serious but equally important note!
PS: Needs moar Senkhi!


XD

[Chips]

I thought it was OK... through and through it was fairly well written (I, as well, would have liked more in-game ties, although I understand how that could have been difficult), however I thought the prelogue was extremely cheasy. If you keep writing, I'll keep reading.

[Shuemue]

I enjoyed it.

[Diametric]

Everyone [in BG] perceives Nikkei to be the "princess" of thier LS, just like they see Rocl as a Wamoura-Pope, Kuno as the suicidal BLM, Sonomaa as Bankitty, and so on. Elmer as a "Master Scribe" is a throwback to Elmer translating hella stuff for the forums from Japanese; Ryko's part in the plot is as intimidating as he make his posts here on BG. Mr. Pope has a nice way of adding everyone's mannerisms into the story, if you really know about these people, lol.

That was kind of my point though: Their inclusion makes sense to anyone in on the joke, but the majority of the forum readers aren't members of the BG LS and might not be aware of them (as a newcomer to the forums, I certainly wasn't, heh).

[Yutuyu]

It is NOT the point of writing to make as many references to as many people as possible so that they all enjoy whatever you write. Fanfiction isn't canon, yes, but the point is, fanfiction takes canon elements and reworks them in a new and interesting way. This was a total departure from anything remotely Vana'dielian, with the exception of the use of Trion and Ayame (who weren't even used in a way that seems consistent with their character).

If this isn't intended to be serious, that'd be one thing, but look at the "prelogue" to the "prelogue." The entire thing comes off as a poorly-written inside joke. I bet you I could find similar fanfiction on your beloved zam with little effort.

[Yutuyu]

Okay, then the fanfic I have for my taru, which has absolutely nothing to do with Vanadiel or it's characters, and is infact a product of my own imagination with a bit of borrowing from Gregory Maguire's "Wicked" (as her name is taken from the book) obviously isn't fanfic because I don't use any other characters from the actual game. amirite?

The question is, is it believable that your fanfic could occur in the world of Vana'diel. Does your fanfic ignore world setting? Your character doesn't have to be a part of the established game in order for it to be good.

But, newsflash, in order for your writing to be a good FFXI Fanfic, yes, it does actually have to incorperate FFXI.

[Fallso]

A must read, fascinating and enthralling. - The Fallso Times

[Kael]

As I was reading the first chapter. (Not the prologue) I was thinking, this would make for funny a bonus expansion. lol

They'd have to tone it done some but it'd be funny if they (SE) decided to make a small fanmade expansion if it had enough of a following. XD Just as like an easter egg in a real expansion or something. lol

[Yutuyu]

Your fanfic wasn't bad, Elphaba.

[Fryte]

Needs moar Fryte. Less dhalmel necks. And how can you have a story involving BG without mentioning 'penis'? You shame BlueGartr, Daahan.

(Good jorb.)