FFXI - The Ambitions of Yin

[Daahan]

Also, do you have most of the story written already, or are you posting as you write it?

The whole thing is not written yet. I'm working on Chapter 2 right now, but I have the entire story outlined. I'm going try not to spoil anything.

Your writing is almost totally ignorant of ingame plotlines. You seem to know the very basic things which the main missions scratch the surface of, but you've shown a deep ignorance of auxilary storyline. Please don't write FFXI Fanction unless you understand the world-setting and make some attempt to conform to canon plot.

You're right, I've forgotten much of the details of the actual storyline, but I didn't write this so that it matched up exactly with the ingame plotlines.

The writing is fairly standard. There's quite a few instances where you repeat the same word or phrase for several sentences in a row ("continent" or "Northern Continent" in the first few paragraphs, for example). In particular, you seemed to shove the word "Yin" in wherever it would fit. The Yistine Chapel, Council of Yin, Province of Yin, Pope Daahan von Yin, Holy Yinnican City... In one section I counted the word Yin used five times in three sentences. I realize you're trying to establish a pattern and to show the value that nation places on the teachings of Yin, but there are subtler ways to go about it. There are also several misused or mispelled words scattered about the story. For example, it's "prologue," not "prelogue." "Magnanimity" is defined as the quality of being magnanimous, with magnanimous meaning noble, high-minded, or generous; for Silvius to be referring to Septimus' words as posessing magnanimity after he was just rude to them is a gross misuse of the term.

The placing of "Yin" in all those titles and names are supposed to be there and should be there. It's the titles that I gave to those things (and the titles I have given them since the Yin fad started). I noticed my mistake in prelogue; it should be preface. Also, from what I understand, magnanimous can also mean bold, but I'll look it up to make sure.

The switches between script and normal format were distracting. The meeting at the beginning of chapter one with the members of the council was particularly jarring; labelling them as Member1, Member4, etc, pulled me right out of the story. By using script format you remove a great deal of description from your writing; if I was watching this play out as a cutscene on my screen I'd be able to tell a lot from the way the characters moved, their facial expressions, etc, but without the visual component to provide context the words come across as boring and flavorless.

Sorry you didn't like the format; most other people seemed to enjoy it. Labeling people as Member#" was there to add a bit of mysteriousness to the beginning. I didn't want people to know right off the bat who these people were and what they were talking about. Also, you don't need a TV screen/PC monitor to tell you how people move or react. You can use your imagination for that.

Canonically, the northern continent above Quon is the province of the Orcish Empire. There isn't anything further north than that; at that point you'd be wrapping around the top of the globe and end up somewhere east of Aht Urghan. Trion and Ayame seemed to have some characterization issues, in particular Trion (I have difficulty seeing the heir apparent to San d'Oria saluting a hume that he just met moments ago, for example). I'd suggest cutting them from the story entirely and replacing them with characters of your own creation. I was also surprised that there was no mention of Altana in the story. Considering her role in the CoP missions and the fact that the opening prologue deals with the elevation of a mortal to divine status, I would expect for there to be at least a mention of her.

I don't really care if my description of the north continent matches with the games history or description. I needed a place for the Province of Yin so I chose the north continent. Altana won't be in this story; once again, this is not an extension of the main storyline.

I also greatly disliked the fact that you named several of the characters after members on the BG board. It makes it seem like the story is meant to be an inside joke between yourself and them, one that the rest of the readers aren't invited to share in. It's also, again, jarring and brings me back out of the story everytime I read about Pope Rocl or High Priest Septimus. Also, why does a nation built on a theocracy, one without any form of nobility outside of the church (so far as we've seen) have a "Princess?" It seemed like you just chose a random title because you wanted your readers to perceive Nikkei in a certain way without bothering to fit her in to the heirarchy you'd already created.

You probably haven't been around here long enough. I made a post two weeks ago about this. It's called "Daahan's idea," look it up. This story was written only for these boards, and a majority of the people on these boards know who the characters in the story are. I don't see myself writing anywhere that there is no other form of nobility outside the church (I'm open to criticism but you reading a bit too much in to this, this story is not meant to be published worldwide and distributed in a Barnes and Noble bookstore).

I kind of liked your abilities list for the BC fight; I thought that was pretty cute and not overly distracting. Most of the things I listed seem to stem more from an inexperience with writing than an inability to. I realize I may have come off harshly in the preceeding paragraphs, but if this is your first attempt at writing a serious story, then it's already miles ahead of most of the other ones out there. The best advice I can give is to keep writing; you can only get better with practice. Good luck!

thanks

it seems to say it's not like that.


But from skimming it over and reading your post it sounds like it is?

The Church of Yin, etc. is used as a basis in the storyline, yes. but what I'm trying to say is that praising yin and talking about how yin, daahan, and rocl are the greatest people in the world is not the basis of the story line. Read ahead and you'll know what I'm talking about.

Only one minor detail that I would pick at, but is entirely your artistic right to ignore it, was the fact that Manafont got interrupted by a melee strike, HAX! :D

lol you're right! Didn't notice that, but then again if she got that Thundaga IV off there wouldn't be a story to write.

PS: Needs moar Senkhi!

Senkhi adamantly rejected my invitations to the Church of Yin.

It is NOT the point of writing to make as many references to as many people as possible so that they all enjoy whatever you write. Fanfiction isn't canon, yes, but the point is, fanfiction takes canon elements and reworks them in a new and interesting way. This was a total departure from anything remotely Vana'dielian, with the exception of the use of Trion and Ayame (who weren't even used in a way that seems consistent with their character).

If this isn't intended to be serious, that'd be one thing, but look at the "prelogue" to the "prelogue." The entire thing comes off as a poorly-written inside joke. I bet you I could find similar fanfiction on your beloved zam with little effort.

Again, I made it clear two weeks ago in my preliminary post that this story WAS written for these boards and the people on it. You are among the many few here who can't relate to the story (and tbh I don't really care about that).

Enjoy browsing Zam ^^/

[Yutuyu]

It's actually cool how little you care about other's criticism unless they're a friend of yours, even if they have a decent point criticizing your lackluster writing. Kudos. Good luck.

[Fallso]

It's actually cool how little you care about other's criticism unless they're a friend of yours, even if they have a decent point criticizing your lackluster writing. Kudos. Good luck.

I'm pretty sure it's just because you're a negative person. I haven't seen you post one thing that's positive.

It's not meant to be in line with vana'diel events. It's a story. Not a re-telling.

[Daahan]

It's actually cool how little you care about other's criticism unless they're a friend of yours, even if they have a decent point criticizing your lackluster writing. Kudos. Good luck.

Seeing as how I don't see myself in a career of writing fanfic, I don't really care about criticism, but I do take in to consideration. For example, Diametric was right about "prelogue" and my misuse of the word "magnanimity" so now I have to go back and fix those. What you're not realizing is I didn't write this for everyone in the world. This is not meant for people on zam to read, this is not meant for the people on KI, this is meant for these forums AND the people who have been around here for a long time.

So I quite frankly don't care if it doesn't match the exact FFXI storyline, I don't care if characters don't match up to what they are in the actual game. It's fiction and it's how I want those things to be interpreted in my story. Would Trion salute a guy from Windurst right off the bat in the actual story? No, but I wanted him to in this one; it clarifies his role as a meat-head Elvaan.

You can't expect everyone to love your work, so I didn't expect everyone to come here praising me. It's cool you think it's lackluster, but guess what? There are people who think the complete opposite.

[Kael]

PS: Needs moar Senkhi!

Senkhi adamantly rejected my invitations to the Church of Yin.

Of course. Because Senkhi > Yin.

Maybe I should start my little network of spies and insurgents to topple the Church of Yin, in the name of the Madam of the Dark Arts Senkhi.

It's always darkest beneath the lighthouse. In this case the Church of Yin.

[Daahan]

Actually we keep a 100w light bulb down there so you're outta luck.

[Kael]

Actually we keep a 100w light bulb down there so you're outta luck.

Curses! Foiled again.


Edit: Time to pull a War of the Worlds and just come up from beneath the ground.

[Xavier]

Okay, then the fanfic I have for my taru, which has absolutely nothing to do with Vanadiel or it's characters, and is infact a product of my own imagination with a bit of borrowing from Gregory Maguire's "Wicked" (as her name is taken from the book) obviously isn't fanfic because I don't use any other characters from the actual game. amirite?

The question is, is it believable that your fanfic could occur in the world of Vana'diel. Does your fanfic ignore world setting? Your character doesn't have to be a part of the established game in order for it to be good.

But, newsflash, in order for your writing to be a good FFXI Fanfic, yes, it does actually have to incorperate FFXI.

It is NOT the point of writing to make as many references to as many people as possible so that they all enjoy whatever you write. Fanfiction isn't canon, yes, but the point is, fanfiction takes canon elements and reworks them in a new and interesting way. This was a total departure from anything remotely Vana'dielian, with the exception of the use of Trion and Ayame (who weren't even used in a way that seems consistent with their character).

Your writing is almost totally ignorant of ingame plotlines. You seem to know the very basic things which the main missions scratch the surface of, but you've shown a deep ignorance of auxilary storyline. Please don't write FFXI Fanction unless you understand the world-setting and make some attempt to conform to canon plot.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Are you fucking kidding me?

Fiction: A literary work whose content is produced by the imagination and is not necessarily based on fact.

When did a work of fiction have to be based on fact? Incorporating elements of FFXI while making the world your own seems as much, if not more, of a worthwhile endeavor compared with repeating verbatim the history as writen by Square.

Furthermore, your own ignorance in the face of the rampant criticism you're spewing is appalling. A work of fiction, even based on an already established universe, does not have to follow said universe to be "acceptable" or good. Your own lack of imagination, while commenting on one of the greatest mediums for exploring imagination, walks the line between humorous and just plain sad. One of the most frequently used tools in fictional literature is utilizing an "alternate reality" or "parallel universe", in which familar characters and organizations are placed into a some-what altered world for a unique but familar experience.

Parallel universe or alternate reality in science fiction and fantasy is a self-contained separate reality coexisting with our own.

Link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parallel_universe_(fiction)

Better act right before you get smacked right, bitch. The very foundation for this story is based on an event that never happened in the world of FFXI, an event which would have greatly altered the course of history as known in-game today. At which point, you're no longer dealing with a fan-fiction based on FFXI, but a work of fiction that incorporates elements of FFXI. Stop commenting if you can't comprehend the basics of literature, because its nothing more than trolling at that point.
__________________________________________

I liked it. Going to try and get Nikkei to draw an illustration to go along with this for me.

[Therin]

Sorry you didn't like the format; most other people seemed to enjoy it. Labeling people as Member#" was there to add a bit of mysteriousness to the beginning. I didn't want people to know right off the bat who these people were and what they were talking about. Also, you don't need a TV screen/PC monitor to tell you how people move or react. You can use your imagination for that.

Actually, it's an author's job to lead on the imagination of the reader so that he can picture the setting and characters exactly how the author intended him to. All fiction, regardless of whether it's based on fact or not, does this. It doesn't have to be blatant - it can even be on a sub-conscious level, but it always happens. There are definitely a lot of other and more interesting ways to instill mystery in your story than simply not naming the characters.

As for your story, I thought it was good and I look forward to reading the rest of it. My only two criticisms are: 1) the lack of characterization (but I assume this is why you use characters from the forums, so that it's not as necessary to characterize them fully as most readers already know them), and 2) the script-esque dialogue. Dialogue like that is great for screenplays, where the action will eventually be placed on video roll so that the reader/viewer can see it unfold, but in terms of expository fiction and prose, descriptive action is necessary and not including it pulls your reader out of your world and makes you lose your grip on them.

For a BG-based fanfiction, though, it's very readable, so great job. :D

Also, the "it's bad because it isn't historically accurate with FFXI's plotline" argument is utterly retarded - as Xavier said, speculative fiction (i.e., pretty much any fiction that isn't historical fiction) by definition is fiction which comes solely from the imagination.

[Yutuyu]

[quote=Xavier]

Okay, then the fanfic I have for my taru, which has absolutely nothing to do with Vanadiel or it's characters, and is infact a product of my own imagination with a bit of borrowing from Gregory Maguire's "Wicked" (as her name is taken from the book) obviously isn't fanfic because I don't use any other characters from the actual game. amirite?

The question is, is it believable that your fanfic could occur in the world of Vana'diel. Does your fanfic ignore world setting? Your character doesn't have to be a part of the established game in order for it to be good.

But, newsflash, in order for your writing to be a good FFXI Fanfic, yes, it does actually have to incorperate FFXI.

It is NOT the point of writing to make as many references to as many people as possible so that they all enjoy whatever you write. Fanfiction isn't canon, yes, but the point is, fanfiction takes canon elements and reworks them in a new and interesting way. This was a total departure from anything remotely Vana'dielian, with the exception of the use of Trion and Ayame (who weren't even used in a way that seems consistent with their character).

Your writing is almost totally ignorant of ingame plotlines. You seem to know the very basic things which the main missions scratch the surface of, but you've shown a deep ignorance of auxilary storyline. Please don't write FFXI Fanction unless you understand the world-setting and make some attempt to conform to canon plot.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Are you fucking kidding me?

Fiction: A literary work whose content is produced by the imagination and is not necessarily based on fact.

When did a work of fiction have to be based on fact? Incorporating elements of FFXI while making the world your own seems as much, if not more, of a worthwhile endeavor compared with repeating verbatim the history as writen by Square.

Furthermore, your own ignorance in the face of the rampant criticism you're spewing is appalling. A work of fiction, even based on an already established universe, does not have to follow said universe to be "acceptable" or good. Your own lack of imagination, while commenting on one of the greatest mediums for exploring imagination, walks the line between humorous and just plain sad. One of the most frequently used tools in fictional literature is utilizing an "alternate reality" or "parallel universe", in which familar characters and organizations are placed into a some-what altered world for a unique but familar experience.

[quote="Wikipedia.org":fb956]Parallel universe or alternate reality in science fiction and fantasy is a self-contained separate reality coexisting with our own.[/quote]
Link: [url="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parallel_universe_(fiction"]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parallel_universe_(fiction[/url])

Better act right before you get smacked right, bitch. The very foundation for this story is based on an event that never happened in the world of FFXI, an event which would have greatly altered the course of history as known in-game today. At which point, you're no longer dealing with a fan-fiction based on FFXI, but a work of fiction that incorporates elements of FFXI. Stop commenting if you can't comprehend the basics of literature, because its nothing more than trolling at that point.
__________________________________________

I liked it. Going to try and get Nikkei to draw an illustration to go along with this for me.[/quote:fb956]

Attack me all you want, but any sensible human being posting from an even remotely objective point of view sees how utterly terrible that story is. I'm done arguing, you won't agree no matter what I say.

[Daahan]

Sorry you didn't like the format; most other people seemed to enjoy it. Labeling people as Member#" was there to add a bit of mysteriousness to the beginning. I didn't want people to know right off the bat who these people were and what they were talking about. Also, you don't need a TV screen/PC monitor to tell you how people move or react. You can use your imagination for that.

Actually, it's an author's job to lead on the imagination of the reader so that he can picture the setting and characters exactly how the author intended him to. All fiction, regardless of whether it's based on fact or not, does this. It doesn't have to be blatant - it can even be on a sub-conscious level, but it always happens. There are definitely a lot of other and more interesting ways to instill mystery in your story than simply not naming the characters.

As for your story, I thought it was good and I look forward to reading the rest of it. My only two criticisms are: 1) the lack of characterization (but I assume this is why you use characters from the forums, so that it's not as necessary to characterize them fully as most readers already know them), and 2) the script-esque dialogue. Dialogue like that is great for screenplays, where the action will eventually be placed on video roll so that the reader/viewer can see it unfold, but in terms of expository fiction and prose, descriptive action is necessary and not including it pulls your reader out of your world and makes you lose your grip on them.

For a BG-based fanfiction, though, it's very readable, so great job. :D

Also, the "it's bad because it isn't historically accurate with FFXI's plotline" argument is utterly retarded - as Xavier said, speculative fiction (i.e., pretty much any fiction that isn't historical fiction) by definition is fiction which comes solely from the imagination.

You're right when you say it's the author's job to lead on the reader, but I don't have the time to write out an elongated and in depth novel. If I wanted to fail my classes I could do that lol. The reasons I wrote it in dialogue are 1) it looks more like a mission story line and 2) you get a first-hand description of what the characters actually say and use your own imagination to picture their facial expressions, gestures, etc. I tried to incorporate as much details and characteristics of the characters as possible, but I couldn't do it too much otherwise the chapter would have ended up being 30 pages of MS Word (This chapter, including the preface and supplement was roughly 20).

[Kael]

Attack me all you want, but any sensible human being posting from an even remotely objective point of view sees how utterly terrible that story is. I'm done arguing, you won't agree no matter what I say.

I have no association with BG or most of it's members aside from talking with a couple of them in passing to pass information on pankration or just general small talk at LS events like Limbus where we have similar gather up times. I think aside from Senkhi, I've only spoken to Xavier, to congratulate him when he got his Aegis. Kuno, for passing along pankration info. Rocl, when I attempted to steal Sarutabaruta from Windurst for a conquest teleportation for Sandoria a long long time ago. And Tearshang when us DRKs would hang out in Port Jeuno a very very long time ago.

The story itself flowed alright, not at all hard to comprehend or imagine the setting that was created. The addition of the Yin fad and the BG members didn't take anything away from the story. They are just names that you could change and it would still confer the same tone.

I think Dahaan did very well for a fanfiction.

You don't like it? That's cool. Not everyone likes the same stories/books/movies/music/art. It's all on your personal taste.

I for one enjoyed it. It wasn't OMFG SO GOOD. But it was worth the read in my opinion.

[Rocl]

jesus christ first uno drama now fanfiction drama

[Xavier]

Attack me all you want, but any sensible human being posting from an even remotely objective point of view sees how utterly terrible that story is. I'm done arguing, you won't agree no matter what I say.

When your biggest criticism is a stories deviation from an established universe, the lack of an objective point of view lies with yourself, not others. Sensibility would be to read the story for what it is, and criticize the writing or plot represented, and not base everything on a preconcieved notion of what a world -must- look like else it be discredited as trash.

I won't agree, but not because I'm "not a sensible human being without a remotely objective point of view." You've come into a discussion of fiction with such narrow-minded vision that you can't even see the point of fictional literature in the first place.

[Diametric]

Actually, it's an author's job to lead on the imagination of the reader so that he can picture the setting and characters exactly how the author intended him to. All fiction, regardless of whether it's based on fact or not, does this. It doesn't have to be blatant - it can even be on a sub-conscious level, but it always happens. There are definitely a lot of other and more interesting ways to instill mystery in your story than simply not naming the characters.

As for your story, I thought it was good and I look forward to reading the rest of it. My only two criticisms are: 1) the lack of characterization (but I assume this is why you use characters from the forums, so that it's not as necessary to characterize them fully as most readers already know them), and 2) the script-esque dialogue. Dialogue like that is great for screenplays, where the action will eventually be placed on video roll so that the reader/viewer can see it unfold, but in terms of expository fiction and prose, descriptive action is necessary and not including it pulls your reader out of your world and makes you lose your grip on them.

Thank you, Therin; you explained what I was trying to say better than I could.

[Yutuyu]

Attack me all you want, but any sensible human being posting from an even remotely objective point of view sees how utterly terrible that story is. I'm done arguing, you won't agree no matter what I say.

When your biggest criticism is a stories deviation from an established universe, the lack of an objective point of view lies with yourself, not others. Sensibility would be to read the story for what it is, and criticize the writing or plot represented, and not base everything on a preconcieved notion of what a world -must- look like else it be discredited as trash.

I won't agree, but not because I'm "not a sensible human being without a remotely objective point of view." You've come into a discussion of fiction with such narrow-minded vision that you can't even see the point of fictional literature in the first place.

I can elaborate on why the writing is crap if you like.

1) It's a raping of FFXI Plot.

It takes FFXI plot, just enough of it so that the story doesn't have to stand on its own as a work of fiction, then disregards a good portion of it that doesn't fit with its plans. Is it an FFXI Fanfic or is it a work of its own? Pick one. You can't inherit some characteristics and ignore others. Either have your work stand alone or make an attempt to follow the rules of the world you're trying to base this in.

2) The format.

Scriptfic format is beyond crap. It's so shitty not even fanfiction.net which has incredibly low standards will allow people to post stuff written in that. Because it's not REAL writing.

3) Characterization

Your characters are robots. There's no emotional expression. Many of them are stolen from other places and don't even comply with their pre-existing personality.

4) Name Insertion

It seems like you inserted names of popular people to, in attempt, buy their vote on whether your story was good or not. You stroked a bunch of egos and expect some ego stroking in return, I suspect.

5) Plot

Is there anything even remotely unique or interesting about this? I think not. It's another poorly written rehash of the same thing as 5,000 other stories.

6) Flow

There is none.



This seems like it's written by a third grader who attempted to make as MANY references as possible to his buddies and inside jokes so that everyone cheer on his horrific drivel.

[Daahan]

1) It's a raping of FFXI Plot.

It takes FFXI plot, just enough of it so that the story doesn't have to stand on its own as a work of fiction, then disregards a good portion of it that doesn't fit with its plans. Is it an FFXI Fanfic or is it a work of its own? Pick one. You can't inherit some characteristics and ignore others. Either have your work stand alone or make an attempt to follow the rules of the world you're trying to base this in.

I am formally convinced that you are retarded. I don't know how many times or how many people have to tell you that it doesn't matter if it the story is in sync with the FFXI storyline. If it means that much to you, I'll just go take out the "Final Fantasy XI" from the title and just call the story the Ambitions of Yin.

And yes, I can inherit some characteristics and ignore others. The rules of the world does not matter, but you're to narrowminded to see that. I can go ahead and change Trion's and Ayame's names to "Frank" and "Wilma" and it wouldn't matter.

2) The format.

Scriptfic format is beyond crap. It's so shitty not even fanfiction.net which has incredibly low standards will allow people to post stuff written in that. Because it's not REAL writing.

Once again your inability to comprehend the English language and read shines brightly. As I told you, I don't care about how this story matches to the standards of other places; it was written from these forums. You don't like script? That's just too damn bad.

3) Characterization

Your characters are robots. There's no emotional expression. Many of them are stolen from other places and don't even comply with their pre-existing personality.

Wait, my characters are stolen? I only use Trion and Ayame from the FFXI storylines. I created every other character. Also, you convinced me that you know absolutely nothing about character development. The first chapter doesn't reveal all the emotional expressions of the characters for a reason; they're supposed to be developed throughout the story and up until the climax.

You didn't read the story. You maybe read the first few pages then stopped. Stop talking out of your ass.

4) Name Insertion

It seems like you inserted names of popular people to, in attempt, buy their vote on whether your story was good or not. You stroked a bunch of egos and expect some ego stroking in return, I suspect.

Your head is made out of stone. I don't know how many times I have to say that this story WAS FUCKING WRITTEN FOR THESE FORUMS AND PARTICULAR TO THESE FORUMS. What is your native language so that I may find a translator for you and convey what I'm trying to say to you in your native language.

There is something on these forums called the Church of Yin; it has members and stuff. I used existing members BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE STORY IS BASED ON.

5) Plot

Is there anything even remotely unique or interesting about this? I think not. It's another poorly written rehash of the same thing as 5,000 other stories.

You convince me that you are retarded once again. You honestly want me to unveil the whole plot in the first chapter? You didn't read the story and you didn't read about the collection of the relics in the story. Do you think they are being collected for fun? There is a plot you moron, but I'm not going to unveil it in the first chapter.

6) Flow

There is none.

Perception

You have none.

I'm open to criticism, but only from people that have actually read the story.

[Therin]

I can elaborate on why the writing is crap if you like.

1) It's a raping of FFXI Plot.

Irrelevant.

2) The format.

Scriptfic format is beyond crap. It's so shitty not even fanfiction.net which has incredibly low standards will allow people to post stuff written in that. Because it's not REAL writing.

While the format may not be optimal, it gets the job done well enough.

3) Characterization

Your characters are robots. There's no emotional expression. Many of them are stolen from other places and don't even comply with their pre-existing personality.

There's no emotional expression because, as he stated, his goal was the write a credible story concerning BG characters, as opposed to a full-fledged novel with full characterization and exposition. While more characterization would have definitely made the story better, any superfluous amount (meaning full-fledged character development with distinct personalities and background stories and emotional conflicts) would have pulled away from the actual basis of the story and drawn the reader more to the characters themselves and not the plot. This story is based on plot - not characters, simply because there are far too many characters to fully develop them all.

4) Name Insertion

It seems like you inserted names of popular people to, in attempt, buy their vote on whether your story was good or not. You stroked a bunch of egos and expect some ego stroking in return, I suspect.

The names of the characters were there because the story was aimed toward specific readers. Writers always aim their stories toward their readers.

5) Plot

Is there anything even remotely unique or interesting about this? I think not. It's another poorly written rehash of the same thing as 5,000 other stories.

"Interesting plots" are matters of opinion. This argument fails.

6) Flow

There is none.

What? o_O

This seems like it's written by a third grader who attempted to make as MANY references as possible to his buddies and inside jokes so that everyone cheer on his horrific drivel.

Except the prose itself is significantly better than most college-level students in my creative writing class - okay, sure.

*EDIT* On further review can we just ban this guy?

[Kael]

4) Name Insertion

It seems like you inserted names of popular people to, in attempt, buy their vote on whether your story was good or not. You stroked a bunch of egos and expect some ego stroking in return, I suspect.

Your head is made out of stone. I don't know how many times I have to say that this story WAS FUCKING WRITTEN FOR THESE FORUMS AND PARTICULAR TO THESE FORUMS. What is your native language so that I may find a translator for you and convey what I'm trying to say to you in your native language.

There is something on these forums called the Church of Yin; it has members and stuff. I used existing members BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE STORY IS BASED ON.

They don't make a translator for stupid.

But I hear that capslock and removing vowels tends to make easier for them to understand.

[Yutuyu]

I give up, if you think that's passable as decent writing, then any arguing with you beyond here is just wasted effort.