FFXI - The Ambitions of Yin

[Septimus]

Hey Sonomaa, do you think that we can set up the forums to make it so when anyone logs in from Yutuyu's (or anyone else who is needlessly argumentative) account/IP address(es) that it will automatically go to my fanfic story: Septimus and the Forgotten City of Lonely Galkas?

Oh sure, it will have connections to FFXI cannon, but there will be lots of shirtless Galkas. And plenty of subligaria. And sometimes no subligaria. And more often than not, olive oil will be involved. And a wrestling ring filled with Jell-O.

It will be delightful.

[Epical]

There is one thing I've gathered from this thread:

Doing one of those nose-burp things after a drink of coffee creates a horrible, HORRIBLE taste in your general head area.

As for the story tho, I loved it!

[Therin]

I give up, if you think that's passable as decent writing, then any arguing with you beyond here is just wasted effort.

Would I tote the printed document around to my friends who are interested in academic writing an as example of excellent workmanship? No. Would I even display it as a strong example of how a fanfiction should be written? No.

Do I think it's an interesting read given the bounds in which the story was originally placed? Definitely. Do I think it's entertaining and do I look forward to reading the following chapters? Certainly.

That's what Daahan was aiming for - and he succeeded.

You're just being an argumentative dick and needlessly berating someone else's work just to make yourself seem smarter. (btw, all it does is make you look like an idiot)

If you're really interested in making yourself sound intelligent, I employ you to post something of our own composition. I'm sure an ample amount of BG posters would love to rip it apart as you did this one.

[Yutuyu]

If you're really interested in making yourself sound intelligent, post something of our own composition. I'm sure an ample segment of BG posters would love to rip it apart as you did this one.

Okay, it's really only fair that if I'm going to criticise someone else I open myself up to the same sort of criticism. Just before I post it, for the record, I don't claim to be a better writer than he is, and I wasn't saying I was better, I was just saying I think that story is crap.

[Daahan]

If you're really interested in making yourself sound intelligent, post something of our own composition. I'm sure an ample segment of BG posters would love to rip it apart as you did this one.

Okay, it's really only fair that if I'm going to criticise someone else I open myself up to the same sort of criticism. Just before I post it, for the record, I don't claim to be a better writer than he is, and I wasn't saying I was better, I was just saying I think that story is crap.

You spelled criticize wrong.

UR STOOPID, U WRITE LIKE A 3RD GRADER

[Kilik]

Nikkei your sig is amazing lmao

[Avé]

YES. A good story with some nice drama all in one topic.

(Still reading, I like it so far)

[Skan]

Thank you for the story, I look forward to more!

I like the way the story is written and it kept me riveted from the beginning.

The post where the person said manafont was interrupted was mistaken, it said that Thundaga IV was stopped, by the attack.

I am also wondering about the princess, it seems if she is so heavily guarded and not allowed to leave the city, and that she finds it so easy to spy on the council and sneak away to talk to strangers, why the hero’s would be so fast as to trust her. My guess is she is still involved in the dark side and just plotting against the hero’s... don't do it, its a trap, hero’s!

Anyways keep up the great work, and kudo's to you sir

[Yutuyu]

This is a very short snippet where a character winds up stranded and wounded in Al'Taieu and observes his strange surroundings while slowly dying from his wounds.

Enjoy ripping it (and me) to pieces.

***

Orc looked better than Lumorian. At least Orc resembled meat and stopped moving after being severed. Lumorian organs kept convulsing for hours after their decapitation, seemingly unaware that they should be dead.

His wounds prevented him from actually hunting a Lumorian. The best he could do was set up a lame trap and hope the creature would fall into it. He learned two things. One, the Aerns weren't beasts, couldn't be, they saw right through his pathetic attempts at tricking them into killing themselves. Two, only the Hpemde were that dumb.

They'd run straight into a wall if the bait was right. Unconscious they weren't very formidable opponents, weak enough that he managed to take one down in his faltering state. But he couldn't bring himself to consume any of the beast, even when it finally stopped moving.

The water wasn't much better. It was different from its counterpart on Vana'diel, so much infact that he wasn't even sure that it was water. After a few attempts to drink it to prevent dehydration he gave up.

There was no dusk or dawn in Al'Taieu, no measure of time. The only indication that it passed at all was his quickly worsening state. When his wounds stopped stinging he didn't revel in his new-found relief, the numbness had already set in mentally and physically. He'd stare at the shining pastel sky for what seemed like hours waiting for a miracle.

Sometime after he'd given up hope of eating, drinking, or being rescued the irony of the situation set in. Long ago it'd been his dream to come here, to be be accepted in Al'Taieu. It finally came true, and now he was going to die there. In what he assumed were his last hours he pieced together the final fragments of his life before, scrawled a note on his last piece of parchment, and closed his eyes.

[Yutuyu]

Haha, thanks for the avatar and title, I like it.

[Sagacious Sundi]

4) Name Insertion

It seems like you inserted names of popular people to, in attempt, buy their vote on whether your story was good or not. You stroked a bunch of egos and expect some ego stroking in return, I suspect.

Your head is made out of stone. I don't know how many times I have to say that this story WAS FUCKING WRITTEN FOR THESE FORUMS AND PARTICULAR TO THESE FORUMS. What is your native language so that I may find a translator for you and convey what I'm trying to say to you in your native language.

There is something on these forums called the Church of Yin; it has members and stuff. I used existing members BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE STORY IS BASED ON.

Just thought I'd say I would have preferred if the names were different but the personalities were the same. Could've been parodies on the actual names. I'd rather have to catch each referrence, rather than have it fed to me. But to each their own, eh?

EDIT: I agree with you to an extent, Yutuyu. But you seem to be taking too much offense. So you wasted time reading something you found terrible, big deal.

[Jedite]

Hey Sonomaa, do you think that we can set up the forums to make it so when anyone logs in from Yutuyu's (or anyone else who is needlessly argumentative) account/IP address(es) that it will automatically go to my fanfic story: Septimus and the Forgotten City of Lonely Galkas?

Oh sure, it will have connections to FFXI cannon, but there will be lots of shirtless Galkas. And plenty of subligaria. And sometimes no subligaria. And more often than not, olive oil will be involved. And a wrestling ring filled with Jell-O.

It will be delightful.

I demand to read this fanfic!

All for proof reading purposes of course...

[Fallso]

This is a very short snippet where a character winds up stranded and wounded in Al'Taieu and observes his strange surroundings while slowly dying from his wounds.

Enjoy ripping it (and me) to pieces.

***

Orc looked better than Lumorian. At least Orc resembled meat and stopped moving after being severed. Lumorian organs kept convulsing for hours after their decapitation, seemingly unaware that they should be dead.

His wounds prevented him from actually hunting a Lumorian. The best he could do was set up a lame trap and hope the creature would fall into it. He learned two things. One, the Aerns weren't beasts, couldn't be, they saw right through his pathetic attempts at tricking them into killing themselves. Two, only the Hpemde were that dumb.

They'd run straight into a wall if the bait was right. Unconscious they weren't very formidable opponents, weak enough that he managed to take one down in his faltering state. But he couldn't bring himself to consume any of the beast, even when it finally stopped moving.

The water wasn't much better. It was different from its counterpart on Vana'diel, so much infact that he wasn't even sure that it was water. After a few attempts to drink it to prevent dehydration he gave up.

There was no dusk or dawn in Al'Taieu, no measure of time. The only indication that it passed at all was his quickly worsening state. When his wounds stopped stinging he didn't revel in his new-found relief, the numbness had already set in mentally and physically. He'd stare at the shining pastel sky for what seemed like hours waiting for a miracle.

Sometime after he'd given up hope of eating, drinking, or being rescued the irony of the situation set in. Long ago it'd been his dream to come here, to be be accepted in Al'Taieu. It finally came true, and now he was going to die there. In what he assumed were his last hours he pieced together the final fragments of his life before, scrawled a note on his last piece of parchment, and closed his eyes.

Your story is bollocks, I will now explain why.

It has no direction, it's basically just a description of a point of view.

It has no flow.

There's no character progression.

It's not canon to FFXI.


See, I can be just as irritating as you.

[Ishido]

I can elaborate on why the writing is crap if you like.

1) It's a raping of FFXI Plot.

It takes FFXI plot, just enough of it so that the story doesn't have to stand on its own as a work of fiction, then disregards a good portion of it that doesn't fit with its plans. Is it an FFXI Fanfic or is it a work of its own? Pick one. You can't inherit some characteristics and ignore others. Either have your work stand alone or make an attempt to follow the rules of the world you're trying to base this in.

2) The format.

Scriptfic format is beyond crap. It's so shitty not even fanfiction.net which has incredibly low standards will allow people to post stuff written in that. Because it's not REAL writing.

3) Characterization

Your characters are robots. There's no emotional expression. Many of them are stolen from other places and don't even comply with their pre-existing personality.

4) Name Insertion

It seems like you inserted names of popular people to, in attempt, buy their vote on whether your story was good or not. You stroked a bunch of egos and expect some ego stroking in return, I suspect.

5) Plot

Is there anything even remotely unique or interesting about this? I think not. It's another poorly written rehash of the same thing as 5,000 other stories.

6) Flow

There is none.



This seems like it's written by a third grader who attempted to make as MANY references as possible to his buddies and inside jokes so that everyone cheer on his horrific drivel.

1) No one that is reading this cares except for you. If you even read the whole thing.

2) Thanks for your opinion.

3) Anyone who has posted or lurked here for any amount of time knows the general personality of all of these characters. You're criticizing him for changing the personality of people he knows, or of 2 pre-existing characters in the FFXI universe, when any changes have been slight, if existent at all. It's also somewhat amazing that you think character development occurs only in the first chapter of books, and ever character introduced must be explicitly defined within that chapter.

4) That is part of the point of the fiction. The characterization is based on people from these forums because of the Church of Yin theme, for lack of better descriptor. There are a lot of people who liked it and were not mentioned and probably will not be mentioned in the future, I'm predicting you would call us all tasteless or simple-minded? Sorry, this argument is probably the worst of your six.

5) There are a lot of works which don't seem to have a plot in the first chapter. Not only that, but you make it seem like every book has a completely unique and interesting plot.

6) What? Did you just choose some random aspect of writing and claim it is non-existent? The flow is not perfect but there is some. You probably should have used word choice as your #6, it probably would have been a much stronger argument than any of the others you chose.

With that said my only minor suggestion would be to change some of the in-game terms (when Kuno's casting was interrupted that stuck out to me) to something more eloquent, I guess. Of course, if you're using those words because of flavor effect to tie it in to the game in certain instances, I would say keep it the way it is.

[Shuemue]

This argument is retarded.

It's all about context. The story isn't being delivered in terms of being a Pulitzer prize contender. It's the equivalent of a bunch of friends sitting around a campfire and Dahaan telling us all a tale.

[Ishido]

This argument is retarded.

It's all about context. The story isn't being delivered in terms of being a Pulitzer prize contender. It's the equivalent of a bunch of friends sitting around a campfire and Dahaan telling us all a tale.

I love campfire stories! Who has smores?

[Yutuyu]

It's the equivalent of a bunch of friends sitting around a campfire and Dahaan telling us all a tale.

On a public forum called "Advanced Player Discussion" frequented by hundreds of people a day.

[Daahan]

It's the equivalent of a bunch of friends sitting around a campfire and Dahaan telling us all a tale.

On a public forum called "Advanced Player Discussion" frequented by hundreds of people a day.

Once again proving you're a moron by not reading.

At the very top of the post, I label how it's going to be moved to Media after the weekend. It was posted in Advanced because advanced gets more traffic.

The Troll Mercenaries are advancing, and Yutuyu is in front of the group.

[Yutuyu]

It's the equivalent of a bunch of friends sitting around a campfire and Dahaan telling us all a tale.

On a public forum called "Advanced Player Discussion" frequented by hundreds of people a day.

Once again proving you're a moron by not reading.

At the very top of the post, I label how it's going to be moved to Media after the weekend. It was posted in Advanced because advanced gets more traffic.

The Troll Mercenaries are advancing, and Yutuyu is in front of the group.

Thank you for explaining to me how its currently being here is just an optical illusion.

[Diametric]

It's the equivalent of a bunch of friends sitting around a campfire and Dahaan telling us all a tale.

On a public forum called "Advanced Player Discussion" frequented by hundreds of people a day.

Once again proving you're a moron by not reading.

At the very top of the post, I label how it's going to be moved to Media after the weekend. It was posted in Advanced because advanced gets more traffic.

I think his point was more that the majority of people who frequent these forums probably aren't aware of the backstory behind this, and that saying "this is meant to be a campfire story between friends" isn't exactly appropriate when it's posted on an open forum that anyone can view. If it was posted somewhere privately, where the majority of his audience could be assumed to already know all of that, then yes. (It's also possible my own experiences with the forum are coloring my thoughts here - it's easy to assume that since I don't know most of the people mentioned that other people won't also. Likewise, it's also easy to assume that since you already know everyone's personality that everyone else reading must too.)