So, I'm cooking the Thanksgiving Turkey this year...

[archibaldcrane]

...tell my why I'll fail.

A big group of friends (14 people at last count) are doing Thanksgiving here in L.A. because we can't afford to fly home to our families. It's a potluck, so people are all bringing different things, but noone is bringing turkey. The hostess is a vegetarian and doesn't want to prepare a turkey, but said someone could come over early to cook one before the scheduled 1 p.m. arrival time.

I stepped up to the plate, because I know the rest of these lazy assholes won't and I can't let there be a Thanksgiving without turkey on my watch.

I've never cooked one of these big dumb birds before, and I want to make it good. Of course, I turn to the interwebs, searching "Turkey Recipe" on google, first hit = http://www.elise.com/recipes/archives/0 ... turkey.php - which sounds better than any half-cocked idea I'd come up with, so I'm going to do my best to follow it to the letter. I'm going to buy a fresh turkey tomorrow (not enough time to buy/defrost a frozen one) and "prepare" the turkey as instructed tomorrow evening. Then I'll stick it in my fridge for the night, drive it over to their house and toss it in their oven, breast-side down as instructed. Watch the Packers beat the Lions, etc., perfect turkey amirite?

I don't prepare anything more complex than hamburgers on a foreman very often, so I'm still nervous about this.

Tell me why I'll fail.

[Blarg]

Cook it in a dishwasher.

[archibaldcrane]

Cook it in a dishwasher.

One cycle per pound?

[Kiro]

Be a cheater and just buy a cooked one already, lol. That's what I did last year.

[Blarg]

No, thats just to get all the feathers off and kill the turkey, you have to put it in an oven after that. It will taste extra fresh this way.

[Jerseyprophet]

The best advice you can get (which I assume you're looking for, since almost any recipe can be found where you've been looking - the internet) is give yourself ample time to cook the turkey.

I would tell you to go talk to the butcher at your local grocery store for pound for hour time to cook. The rest is easy, turkey isn't hard to prepare.

You said it's a potluck, so assume they're bringing chips or soda. Have everything else if you're the host. I know it sucks man, but well...you'll make their holiday better.

[Enkidu]

Pick up a meat thermometer so you don't send somebody to the hospital.

[kuronosan]

A good turkey should be cooked between 2-5 hours depending on size. I think the general rule of thumb is 30 minutes per pound but I've been wrong before... been a while since our family did the cooking.

Don't forget to baste and dress the turkey with yummy stuffing.

[Nirokun!]

if you dont know how to cook, either buy a precooked turkey (fully-cooked smoked turkeys are really good imo) or buy 2 smaller turkeys. They're less expensive (because they're less impressive), but they're easier to cook (easier to cook a smaller body than a larger one, harder to dry out, too)

if i was you, i'd find a reasonably priced smoked turkey. meat + smoked = cant be bad. and hey, you'll inconvenience ms. vegetarian less with your meat smells in her house

[-Zer0-]

you can always make up for your failure by singing the Thanksgiving Song

[archibaldcrane]

The best advice you can get (which I assume you're looking for, since almost any recipe can be found where you've been looking - the internet) is give yourself ample time to cook the turkey.

I would tell you to go talk to the butcher at your local grocery store for pound for hour time to cook. The rest is easy, turkey isn't hard to prepare.

You said it's a potluck, so assume they're bringing chips or soda. Have everything else if you're the host. I know it sucks man, but well...you'll make their holiday better.

Naw, I'm not the host, and people are signed up for bringing pies, stuffing, sweet potatoes, green beans, other sides and lots of wine (most of these friends are from my weekly wine-tasting group).

[Avinor]

Go all out and deep fry your turkey. Just be sure not to burn her house down, since that happens to a fair number of people each year.

Of course you may not have a giant vat in which to fry it, but if you're going to go with traditional cooking, at least spring for one of these and triple your vegetarian friend's discomfort.

And now after actually reading that article, you have a new challenge:

The largest recorded nested bird roast is 17 birds, attributed to a royal feast in France in the 19th century: a bustergophechiduckneaealcockidgeoverwingailusharko lanbler (originally called a Rôti Sans Pareil, or "Roast without equal") - a bustard stuffed with a turkey, a goose, a pheasant, a chicken, a duck, a guinea fowl, a teal, a woodcock, a partridge, a plover, a lapwing, a quail, a thrush, a lark, an Ortolan Bunting and a Garden Warbler. The final bird is small enough that it can be stuffed with a single olive; it also suggests that, unlike modern multi-bird roasts, there was no stuffing or other packing placed in between the birds. This dish probably could not be recreated in the modern era as many of the listed birds are now protected species.

[HAcoreRD]

I suggest you start cooking now to ensure no fuck ups

[Norelco]

Any turkey recipe that doesn't instruct you to first brine it is subpar. Read up on brining a turkey.

[Daydreamer]

Any turkey recipe that doesn't instruct you to first brine it is subpar. Read up on brining a turkey.

[quote="Norelco"]

I agree completely, just use Alton's recipe. I've done it before, and it was the juciest turkey ever.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes ... 89,00.html

[Hitoshura]

I don't want to start a thread for Thanksgiving.. but I honestly didn't start liking stuffing until last year. I don't know wtf was wrong with me, it's now like one of my favorite things on the table at Thanksgiving.

[Quixotic]

I've read that the absolute best way to have a turkey, is to (no joke) deep fry it the whole thing. You're supposed to inject whatever flavorings you want inside of it (usually like...butter+garlic+herbs or whatever), then just deep fry the bird whole for 4.5-5min per pound.

[kuronosan]

Thanksgiving Dinner is not Thanksgiving Dinner unless you have one or all of the following on your table:

Turkey w/Stuffing (ham is acceptable, but no turkey = gtfo)
Green Bean Casserole
HOMEMADE Mashed Potatoes (no instant bullshit, mash it yourself)
HOMEMADE Gravy (that's right, the old fashioned way)
Sweet Potato Pie
Buttered Rolls
Cranberry Dressing
Veggie Mix (peas, carrots, whatever)
EGG-FUCKING NOG
Pumpkin Pie (fresh baked)
Apple or Cherry Pie (fresh baked)

There. Go nuts.

I've read that the absolute best way to have a turkey, is to (no joke) deep fry it the whole thing. You're supposed to inject whatever flavorings you want inside of it (usually like...butter+garlic+herbs or whatever), then just deep fry the bird whole for 4.5-5min per pound.

It's also the most difficult way to prepare it. But damned if it doesn't taste like Heaven.

[Remyo]

please don't stuff your turkey it's a good way to send people to the hospital. I'd also suggest having the turkey finish cooking just before you plan to leave(then cover the pan with aluminum foil and towels to prevent heat loss) or even cook it at the hostess' house because reheating a big bird can be meh. I'd also suggest putting margarine cubes between the skin and the meat it helps both sides really.


put more effort into this than your Jesus costume, and you may not fail.

[Marcicus]

please don't stuff your turkey it's a good way to send people to the hospital. I'd also suggest having the turkey finish cooking just before you plan to leave(then cover the pan with aluminum foil and towels to prevent heat loss) or even cook it at the hostess' house because reheating a big bird can be meh. I'd also suggest putting margarine cubes between the skin and the meat it helps both sides really.


put more effort into this than your Jesus costume, and you may not fail.

oh god i'm fucking dying here. ><