Open relationships - Your opinion.

[layoneil]

I happen to think that other people find her hot to be quite the turn-on, and that she finds ME that attractive too.

that can be true in any relationship, the difference is whether or not people have to act on it.

[Day]

I'm just having a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea of why anyone would want to do this. I mean I guess I get the idea, but I just can't imagine actually being with anyone but my girlfriend, and I really can't imagine wanting her to be with someone else.

Im open to a better explanation... Tonko you seem to have a good experience with this... could you or someone else explain not really how it works but just the whole desire to be in a relationship like this? Strictly a pleasure thing?

[Septimus]

I wonder how many people who responded negatively about open relationships have parents who have secretly gone to swinger parties? (And possibly still do).

There is only one statement that I really want to comment upon.

What would you consider as rules to having one?

both partners should be doing it, not just one. if it's just one way it will inevitably end very badly. if it's just one person, that just means one partner is highly submissive and the other is a manipulative prick. i'd classify that more as an abusive relationship than an open relationship.

honesty, it should be something that's talked about, if either partner feels the need to start hiding it than it's already failing.

Maybe I've just read a lot of Savage Love, but I do disagree with this characterization. Sometimes people can love each other and just not mesh in bed. Partners who have different libidos, partners who just aren't interested in sex anymore, partners who have a kink that the other will not or cannot fulfill no matter how GGG (Good, Giving, and Game) he/she may be. Any of those would be an open relationship where one would do it but the other would not, yet would not necessarily be manipulative or abusive.

But personally, I don't know if I could do an open relationship. I've seen too much stepping out in my life to want to voluntarily get involved in it. Plus I don't like other people playing with my things.

[Tonko]

It's all about variety, experience, and pleasure. There will be some things my partner will never be sexually, so I can find that elsewhere. It's not because I don't enjoy my partner sexually, or that he lacks something I need, I just love my variety.

It's foreign for you to think of wanting to be with someone else because you've been socialized to join sex & love with no chance of separation, and that works for you. You'll make a lucky woman a very faithful husband some day.

[layoneil]

but I just can't imagine actually being with anyone but my girlfriend

the same reason why people in relationships look at porn? it can't only be single guys that see Jessica Alba and think she's hot. it can't just be single guys that want to have sex with attractive women who they are not dating. physical attraction and a relationship are two very different things, there are plenty women i'd sleep with but never date.

and I really can't imagine wanting her to be with someone else.

i'm not sure you have to want her to be with other people, but you have to know she finds other men physically attractive too. and you'd have to be okay if she acted on it if she really wanted to (most people, including myself wouldn't).

Maybe I've just read a lot of Savage Love, but I do disagree with this characterization. Sometimes people can love each other and just not mesh in bed. Partners who have different libidos, partners who just aren't interested in sex anymore, partners who have a kink that the other will not or cannot fulfill no matter how GGG (Good, Giving, and Game) he/she may be. Any of those would be an open relationship where one would do it but the other would not, yet would not necessarily be manipulative or abusive.

i exaggerated that part, i added some of it on after i wrote the rest of my post, i can see what you're saying as a possibility though it'd probably be even more rare, as rare as functional open relationships already are.

[Demosthenes11]

There are only 2 reasons to have open relationships:
1) Both of you are addicted to sex and masturbating isn't enough
2) You have such a low self-esteem that you feel you aren't worth waiting for.

Personally, I think open relationships are utter bullshit. Remove relationship from the phrase please, because it is not one.

[rezn0r]

i don't have much to add to the thread that hasn't been said (basically exactly as Izzy did), i hate the idea and the term alone starts to freak me out. i lost my "ex" because she wasn't too clear that that's what she was after while i was looking for a girlfriend (seems to be an ongoing theme...). i'm extremely grateful for who i'm with now and still thinking about this stuff bothers me.

perfect advice here, and god bless you Tonko for pulling it off and being happy at the same time:

If you don't trust her, or she doesn't trust you, or if there is an ounce of jealousy in either of your personalities, it will be doomed to failure.

[Turambar]

I think Dr. Tobias Funke, the world's first analrapist, should be consulted.

Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed, but free to explore extra-marital encounters.

Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?

Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but.... but it might work for us.

[Tonko]

There are only 2 reasons to have open relationships:
1) Both of you are addicted to sex and masturbating isn't enough
2) You have such a low self-esteem that you feel you aren't worth waiting for.

Personally, I think open relationships are utter bullshit. Remove relationship from the phrase please, because it is not one.

Just because it doesn't work for you, doesn't mean it can't work for others. Try not to be so closed minded, you'll find you enjoy life more.

For instance, I'm comming up on year 7. We own a home together, all of our finances are joint, he knows about all of my sexual escapades, I know about all of his. He comes to my parents house for Christmas/Thanksgiving. We have 2 kids (pets, but we spoil 'em like kids.)

How does the fact that we have sex with others invalidate all of the rest?

[Galen]

Best advice I can give is have your GF/Wife have an open relationship.. with other woman. You dont have to worry about who they bring home because you can just have fun with them too. They still look to your wang as the wang of power. And there is no room for jealousy when your both enjoying the same person.

I disagree. I'm a bi woman who was in an "open relationship" with a guy for 6 years. About 3 years into it, we decided to try threesomes and he let me mess around with other women. We were both fine with it (at first). After I started being with other women (sometimes threesomes, sometimes alone), these women would fall in love with me, and it was hard for me not to fall in love with them too. It's a biological/evolutionary thing- women fall in love after sex. This would start a whole cycle of jealousy from him and from them. This actually caused us to break up each time we'd introduce a new female into the relationship. Eventually we ended up breaking up permanently, and now that I reflect back on the reasons we had an open relationship in the first place, it makes sense. I wasn't happy in the relationship, and he knew he wasn't giving me what I wanted, so he allowed me to be with other people (on a sexual level, he didn't want me to form "relationships" with these women but it just kind of happened) but still have a hold on me.

Maybe it can work for people who are totally secure in a relationship and not the jealous type. But it just makes me wonder, if you don't get jealous, do you have any feelings for that person?

In general, I don't see "open relationships" as healthy, from my experience. Sure, threesomes or "open relationships" sound awesome and look cool in porn, but don't expect a relationship to last after establishing this.

[Edgie]

Doesnt work. I cant imagine being ok with someone having sex with my girlfriend. It literally makes me want to BEAT the shit out of the guy.

Fixed for personal preferences

[Charla]

There are only 2 reasons to have open relationships:
1) Both of you are addicted to sex and masturbating isn't enough
2) You have such a low self-esteem that you feel you aren't worth waiting for.

Personally, I think open relationships are utter bullshit. Remove relationship from the phrase please, because it is not one.

Just because it doesn't work for you, doesn't mean it can't work for others. Try not to be so closed minded, you'll find you enjoy life more.

For instance, I'm comming up on year 7. We own a home together, all of our finances are joint, he knows about all of my sexual escapades, I know about all of his. He comes to my parents house for Christmas/Thanksgiving. We have 2 kids (pets, but we spoil 'em like kids.)

How does the fact that we have sex with others invalidate all of the rest?

Not to point out the obvious here, but your situation is very different from what the OP and probably most of the rest of us are talking about for one important reason: neither of you are female. As galen said

women fall in love after sex.

[Tonko]

Gender didn't have anything to do with the posts you quoted, and I'm aware that women form emotional attachments much more readily than guys do....

Not sure what you were trying to point out there other than the obvious. Just because it doesn't work for most women, doesn't mean it can't work for some of them.

[Neosutra]

Best advice I can give is have your GF/Wife have an open relationship.. with other woman. You dont have to worry about who they bring home because you can just have fun with them too. They still look to your wang as the wang of power. And there is no room for jealousy when your both enjoying the same person.

I disagree. I'm a bi woman who was in an "open relationship" with a guy for 6 years. About 3 years into it, we decided to try threesomes and he let me mess around with other women. We were both fine with it (at first). After I started being with other women (sometimes threesomes, sometimes alone), these women would fall in love with me, and it was hard for me not to fall in love with them too. It's a biological/evolutionary thing- women fall in love after sex. This would start a whole cycle of jealousy from him and from them. This actually caused us to break up each time we'd introduce a new female into the relationship. Eventually we ended up breaking up permanently, and now that I reflect back on the reasons we had an open relationship in the first place, it makes sense. I wasn't happy in the relationship, and he knew he wasn't giving me what I wanted, so he allowed me to be with other people (on a sexual level, he didn't want me to form "relationships" with these women but it just kind of happened) but still have a hold on me.

Maybe it can work for people who are totally secure in a relationship and not the jealous type. But it just makes me wonder, if you don't get jealous, do you have any feelings for that person?

In general, I don't see "open relationships" as healthy, from my experience. Sure, threesomes or "open relationships" sound awesome and look cool in porn, but don't expect a relationship to last after establishing this.

Thats because your guy didnt develop a relationship with that person as well. I wouldnt invite a lesbian to be me and my wife's 3some partner as it would just be a relationship between her and my wife, cutting me out. Open relationship is about sharing unilaterally. I would prefer to have a woman that both my wife and I enjoy physically, could have a really good friendship with, and whom is mature enough to understand relationships. Any affection/emotion that arrises from the sex should be handled with that level of maturity. Just bringing any girl home to bang in a sorry attempt to please your labeto(sp) will get you hurt. Understanding a complex 3 way relationship and enjoying the fruits of it can only enrich your life. And if you live near Tucson AZ PM me LOL.

@ Tonko: You stated in an earlier post that "there are some things my partner cant/wont do to please me"... Not that I want to know, but wtf wont a gay guy do... I mean there are only a few options... oh nevermind I dont even want to go there.

[Apelila]

First, answering the Questions by the OP:

What do you define as one?
A: You play with others than your partner with or without your partner. The rules vary between each set.

What would you consider as rules to having one?
A: Depends on the people, and who's involved. People don't easily give up their bedroom secrets, and its no less awkward giving them up to someone you treat as a lover. Generally safe play is a must unless your making a 3 way relationship (whooooooole nother concept) and feelings can't be attached to the other people. As has been said before, women have a harder time with this. Submissives' have an ESPECIALLY hard time with this.

Do you think it's just a bullshit way to get ass?
A: No, but thats another thread too.

Anything else you can think of.
A:

I'll say a couple of poorly worded things.
I apologize if I ramble or say things out of order, I don't look fondly on these my own personal experience.

I'm assuming
A: This is a new line of discussion for the OP with their partner
B: neither partner has cheated / is apparently unhappy with the relationship and that it is stable.

I'm assuming these 3 since the huge leaps in logic you can make without some guide posts as to what the hells going on.

If you're leaning towards making a relationship an open one you have to seriously consider why that is a better alternative than what you currently have.
For example: After mine blew up in my face, all I have to show for it are huge emotional scars and communicable diseases that my partner left as parting gifts.

For you; If you want this because your partner is not satisfying you, examine why and discuss that before going any further. If the answer doesn't satisfy you or your partner dodges the question, you've hit upon a larger issue than sex and need to pursue this before considering anything else.

For your other: Same applies in reverse, if this is something thats been brought to you find out why they want it and if they are satisfied with you. Some people love a person for whom they are and that makes this kind of discussion even more tortuous.

This sorta topic doesn't just get brought up unless one person's unhappy somehow. Trust is everything in in a relationship, and any answer to a question thats dodged is a bomb waiting to explode in your face. Just my two cents.

[Charla]

Gender didn't have anything to do with the posts you quoted, and I'm aware that women form emotional attachments much more readily than guys do....

You're right. I should have quoted the OP's 2nd and 4th posts, where he did specify that he meant heterosexual open relationships. Carry on then.

[Obev]

I don't like other people playing with my things.

This is the core of why something in my psyche just revolts against the concept. I'd think over two thousand years of a cultural background which in many cases encourages a specifically male polygamy while regarding the same qualities in females as abhorrent is to blame.

[ertyu]

People make me fucking disgusted. Fuck open relationships and fuck anyone who thinks they are ok and a good idea.

[Neosutra]

People make me fucking disgusted. Fuck open relationships and fuck anyone who thinks they are ok and a good idea.

Ya, that shit is totally dark sided http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...05634137914176.

You remind me of that lady.

[Demosthenes11]

There are only 2 reasons to have open relationships:
1) Both of you are addicted to sex and masturbating isn't enough
2) You have such a low self-esteem that you feel you aren't worth waiting for.

Personally, I think open relationships are utter bullshit. Remove relationship from the phrase please, because it is not one.

Just because it doesn't work for you, doesn't mean it can't work for others. Try not to be so closed minded, you'll find you enjoy life more.

For instance, I'm comming up on year 7. We own a home together, all of our finances are joint, he knows about all of my sexual escapades, I know about all of his. He comes to my parents house for Christmas/Thanksgiving. We have 2 kids (pets, but we spoil 'em like kids.)

How does the fact that we have sex with others invalidate all of the rest?

why do you feel the need to sleep around if you live with him? I don't understand that at all. If you love each other and care about each others needs, why are you not enough for each other? Why are you not worth the wait, and vice versa.

Maybe I'm just a girl and get attached through intimacy, but regardless, i don't get it