Open relationships - Your opinion.

[Tonko]

I gotta mention this, do you consider marrying more than wife an open relationship?
flames/jokes aside.

wut?

[Obev]

I gotta mention this, do you consider marrying more than 1 wife an open relationship?
flames/jokes aside.

No; this is just a man being greedy. He may have many wives, but do the wives get to have many husbands? A "truly" open relationship would work both ways, but the cultural background throughout most of the world is heavily biased in favour of male promiscuity and female chastity.

[isladar]

I find the idea of an open relationship uncomfortable for myself. I can absolutely respect Tonko's experience of it.. seven years strong clearly means he and his partner are doing things right. But I think for a lot of people, those little things like jealousy and insecurity are too much of a hurdle. And that's fine.. its not as if people are not as cool as someone in an open relationship.. I'm sure Tonko is in a very small minority of people functioning in that situation with such a healthy context.

To be fair, its probably the same ratio of people in a healthy "closed" relationship.

I have never participated in an open relationship, nor do I believe I would were it suggested to me. My only experience with the idea of open relationship was when I have been approached by someone involved in one. I felt that I could not engage in that, even though I was single, because I didn't want to be a third wheel to someone else's experience. I can't necessarily say it was a moral issue on my part.. more of a pride one. I'm nobody's on-the-side girl, whether sanctioned or not.

[layoneil]

we then decided to involve her best friend of 14 years and eventually moved her in. now i couldn't imagine life without them both. i do honestly love them both and trust them fully...as do they me.

that's not an open relationship, that's a relationship that involves 3 people instead of 2. it's not open unless one of you three is having sex with whoever they want to have sex with and the other two people are okay with it.

I gotta mention this, do you consider marrying more than wife an open relationship?

no, marriage is a way to "close" the relationship.

Hey, I love you, but I had sex with three other random people this week and its only Wednesday! Bow chicka bow wow.

correction.

To be fair, its probably the same ratio of people in a healthy "closed" relationship.

i'd disagree, there are way too many people conditioned against open relationships for that ratio to be similar.

[Septimus]

I disagree. I'm a bi woman who was in an "open relationship" with a guy for 6 years. About 3 years into it, we decided to try threesomes and he let me mess around with other women. We were both fine with it (at first). After I started being with other women (sometimes threesomes, sometimes alone), these women would fall in love with me, and it was hard for me not to fall in love with them too. It's a biological/evolutionary thing- women fall in love after sex. This would start a whole cycle of jealousy from him and from them. This actually caused us to break up each time we'd introduce a new female into the relationship. Eventually we ended up breaking up permanently, and now that I reflect back on the reasons we had an open relationship in the first place, it makes sense. I wasn't happy in the relationship, and he knew he wasn't giving me what I wanted, so he allowed me to be with other people (on a sexual level, he didn't want me to form "relationships" with these women but it just kind of happened) but still have a hold on me.

Maybe it can work for people who are totally secure in a relationship and not the jealous type. But it just makes me wonder, if you don't get jealous, do you have any feelings for that person?

In general, I don't see "open relationships" as healthy, from my experience. Sure, threesomes or "open relationships" sound awesome and look cool in porn, but don't expect a relationship to last after establishing this.

Just because it didn't work for you does not mean that it will also not work for other people. Have you considered that perhaps the relationship didn't work out because you wanted to pursue relationships with other women so you kept forming attachments with other women to incite your boyfriend's jealousy so that you could break it off with a clean conscience? You violated the first rule of open relationships: "don't get attached to other people".

I don't like other people playing with my things.

This is the core of why something in my psyche just revolts against the concept. I'd think over two thousand years of a cultural background which in many cases encourages a specifically male polygamy while regarding the same qualities in females as abhorrent is to blame.

Not to blame in my case. I'm just not into sharing.

why do you feel the need to sleep around if you live with him? I don't understand that at all. If you love each other and care about each others needs, why are you not enough for each other? Why are you not worth the wait, and vice versa.

Maybe I'm just a girl and get attached through intimacy, but regardless, i don't get it

And I don't get why middle-aged women wear sturr-up pants and holiday sweaters, but obviously they get something out of it even though most of the world finds those sort of fashions baffling and maybe a slight-bit nauseating. Just because you do not understand does not mean that it is not perfectly viable for someone else. I don't understand why people find women attractive, yet there is a significant proportion of the population who do.

[Sasarai]

Hey, I love you, but I had sex with three other random people this week and its only Wednesday! Bow chicka bow wow.

correction.

Semantics?

[layoneil]

Hey, I love you, but I had sex with three other random people this week and its only Wednesday! Bow chicka bow wow.

correction.

Semantics?

to some people maybe, but not to me.

[Tonko]

Making love requires there to be love. When you fuck someone other than your partner, there shouldn't be any emotional connection beyond the goal of getting off and having a good time.

Fucking my partner is a much more involved and intimate experience. They are quite different.

[Intense]

Didnt see a question or discussion that would answer such a question

Hypothetical question: Tonko, what would happen if one day your partner changed his mind and became "Not ok" with the concept of the open relationship? How would you handle it?

[Tonko]

The only reason he would change his mind on the matter would be a change in his security, trust, or issues with communication. We'd close the relationship until both of us were comfortable with resuming the fun <grin> Explore the reasons for the change, and different compromises or changes that could alleviate the issue.

Hasn't happened, but we've talked about the possibility, so that a clear avenue for discussion is visible should the need arise.

[kihre]

Danger, will robinson.

You'll end up with:

1. Someone catching feelings and otherwise hurt (almost always a girl, if you got her off.)

2. An STD.

i like how if you get a woman off she's auto-in-love with you...

-.-;

Just because something doesn't work for YOU doesn't mean it won't work for others. "Open Relationship" has many many definitions, and the only the couple/group involved can define themselves and their boundaries (And those boundaries are ever-evolving). I suggest reading many of the interesting books that involve the psychology of relationships and communication techniques involved with those relationships.

Contrary to popular belief... jealousy is an issue in most of these relationships, but the reasons behind the feeling get explored and talked about much more than in a conventional relationship. Everyone can learn a lot from these books, not just those interested in exploring other relationship options.

[Fhqwghads]

I'll go ahead and stick with no diseases, because it's not worth the gamble in my opinion.

Do you have every girl you sleep with get a full STD check and wait 6 months after it (of course trusting her not to sleep with anyone in the meantime) before sleeping with her? Or do you just not have sex? Pretty much all sex carries risk that cannot be eliminated.

With the last couple of girlfriends, yes I have. I didn't wait 6 months, I will admit. Yes, there was a risk. However, compared to someone who is promiscuous and sleeping with several to many different people a month, that risk is infinitely smaller. The relationships I've been in have typically been measured in years, so it's not like I'm sleeping with lots of new people. Almost all of them involved living together, so the opportunity for them to cheat is pretty low as well. None have ever admitted to cheating, and I can't imagine that any of them have. Still, there's the slight possibility that one or more of them lied and did have sex outside our relationship, so a very low risk is introduced there also. Again, a hell of a lot lower of a risk than people who sleep around often with many different partners.

I suppose my previous post was a little rigid in the stats department, because you are right, sex will always carry some risk. However, open relationships increase that risk by a substantial margin over monogamous ones.

[Scorp]

All sexual contact carries a risk. The risk is increased if partners aren't able to communicate effectively or just aren't educated about the risks. I would suggest that the majority of people that are in successful open relationships are capable of both researching the risks and communicating concerns/checking if what they are doing is safe.

I would say that there is more risk of infection from someone who is just playing the field and takes a few risks here and there. I'd imagine that having your permanent partner's health in mind all the time helps you limits those risks.

The "omg enjoy aids" comments aren't really relevant to the question "can an open relationship work". Sure it is a consideration but that goes for everyone in any form of relationship.

Also if people are in fact having open relationships and they say that they are working. Then they clearly do exist and they do work.

[Intense]

The only reason he would change his mind on the matter would be a change in his security, trust, or issues with communication. We'd close the relationship until both of us were comfortable with resuming the fun <grin> Explore the reasons for the change, and different compromises or changes that could alleviate the issue.

Hasn't happened, but we've talked about the possibility, so that a clear avenue for discussion is visible should the need arise.

The question that Im really trying to ask is this: Is the open relationship lifestyle worth more than your relationship with him? Lets say he changes his mine because wants you all to himself forever. Would this completely end things with him?

This is not to try and DISPROVE or villianize you and your arguements for such an arrangement. Just lookin at thought processes behind things. :]

[Kyreth]

I'm so glad my relationship doesn't exist to you

Or mine, for that matter. Please, folks. Keep your delusions, I've been in one for two years now and Tonko longer (though I'm hetero and he's not a breeder, lol)...it does work, but it's tougher to have the pre-requisities to do one.

Maybe because both me and my partner have been burned by "conventional relationships" enough not to take sex the same way other folks do. If you're happy, be happy with what you got but for heaven's sake please don't think it's the only way.

[Tonko]

The question that Im really trying to ask is this: Is the open relationship lifestyle worth more than your relationship with him? Lets say he changes his mine because wants you all to himself forever. Would this completely end things with him?

This is not to try and DISPROVE or villianize you and your arguements for such an arrangement. Just lookin at thought processes behind things. :]

He's worth more to me than any amount of sex outside of what we enjoy with each other. If he truly felt that closing the relationship forever was the best thing for us, and I agreed with him given whatever reasons he might have, I would do it and never look back.

Love is first. A fuck is just a fuck.

[XxSlusherxx]

ITT Tonko = Dan Savage

[Tonko]

Had to google him, never heard of the guy, but yeah, I can see the correlation. I'll take that as a compliment

[kuronosan]

Fucking just to fuck is fucking disgusting. It doesn't make you a terrible person, but... christ sakes. If you really have to fuck 20 other people to enjoy sex you're doing something wrong.

[Tonko]

Who said anyone had to do that to enjoy sex? We enjoy sex, so we do it. It's like playing different video games. Sure, one game is fun. But a variety is even better.

You seem like you've been brainwashed by either ultra conservative society or religion.... fucking just to fuck is what most people do, monogamous or not. Heard of birth control?