A Student Screenplay (Updated with full script!)

[Davricle]

So I'm in a screenwriting class at my college and we were tasked with writing a 50-65 page screenplay. I went thru and did a step outline of it which pretty much gives the overview of the script minus the dialogue.

I'm looking for creative criticism and helpful hints on what I can improve. I plan on posting the full screenplay once I've finished.

Until then: http://darklegionsvalefor.com/forum2/sh ... php?t=2535

Read if you want and enjoy it. Then post back here with feedback. The genre is Suspense/thriller/mindgame

EDIT:

I have finally finished the revised copy and am looking for feedback on that. I have turned it into my professor already but I would like a perfect copy for my collection.

http://rapidshare.com/files/77771266/Th ... d.doc.html is the link where you can download the full Word Document

OR

You can read it online here: http://darklegionsvalefor.com/forum2/sh ... php?t=2592

EDIT PART 2: Fixed broken Link

[Keno]

So I'm in a screenwriting class at my college and we were tasked with writing a 50-65 page screenplay. I went thru and did a step outline of it which pretty much gives the overview of the script minus the dialogue.

I'm looking for creative criticism and helpful hints on what I can improve. I plan on posting the full screenplay once I've finished.

Until then: http://darklegionsvalefor.com/forum2/sh ... php?t=2535

Read if you want and enjoy it. Then post back here with feedback. The genre is Suspense/thriller/mindgame

How dare you tell me how to feel. But seriously, I'll give this a read and let you know what I think. I've worked on a couple screenplays before, so I might be of a little help.

[Davricle]

I'd appreciate that :D

[Blarg]

I think an ending similar to this would go good.

"I will shoot at him" said the cyberdemon and he fired the rocket missiles. John plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
"No! I must kill the demons" he shouted
The radio said "No, John. You are the demons"
And then John was a zombie.

[Davricle]

I think an ending similar to this would go good.

"I will shoot at him" said the cyberdemon and he fired the rocket missiles. John plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
"No! I must kill the demons" he shouted
The radio said "No, John. You are the demons"
And then John was a zombie.

I think this is exactly the ending I should have used!

...if I was writing a screenplay that had any of these things in it.

[Nibe]

A

[Shuemue]

I liked it, it's imaginative.

Small point, was the Russian chess player intentionally named?

[Groovebox]

Ending is sort of similar to Vanilla Sky :-/ You can figure out if that's good or bad >.> If you want the opinion of someone who is not a screenwriter but a fan of film and literature, I'd rewrite it (the ending)

Cool outline though, was fun to read. Not a big fan of the name "Noah" for the main character.

[Davricle]

I liked it, it's imaginative.

Small point, was the Russian chess player intentionally named?

Good catch, yes he was.

Ending is sort of similar to Vanilla Sky :-/ You can figure out if that's good or bad >.> If you want the opinion of someone who is not a screenwriter but a fan of film and literature, I'd rewrite it (the ending)

Cool outline though, was fun to read. Not a big fan of the name "Noah" for the main character.

I loved Vanilla sky and I think that its completely different. I'm not sure the connection you see at the END, in other parts I suppose I can see some connection. You are the first person I've seen to complain about the ending. Not that your opinion isn't valid, but unless some others suggest a change I think I will leave it as it is.

As for the name Noah, I like it :D

[Blarg]

Noah stole my last name. Was there any reason you chose Davidson?

[Davricle]

My first name is David. And I am Jewish.

Small inside joke of mine is that my main Characters are always Jewish.

[Dakra]

A very interesting read, kudos ^^ enjoyed it. Sorry I don't have much feedback, looks good to me.

[Tour]

The storyline seems to fall somewhere between Christopher Nolan, M. Night Shyamalan and Donald Kaufman. Kinda like Groovebox said, it's up to you how you want to take the associations. And of course, that's just my very humble opinion

[MisterBob]

Holy shit, I had to turn off stylesheets on that page so it didnt rape my eyes. Someone tell the owner of that forum to change the font color...


Oh, and the screenplay is decent, there's a few lines that need work though:
41) Rivkah apologizes and says No, I’m sorry Noah”. Davidson is startled and asks how she knew to call him that. She says that she is one of the bad guys and points at the water glass. “You’re poisoned.”

That is incredibly cheesey, especially the way it is worded.

The ending could use a bit of a rewrite too, I think

[archibaldcrane]

It opens with what appears to be a metric-fuckload of expository dialogue. Figure out a more creative way to establish his condition than just a conversation - show, don't tell.

"It was all just a dream/hallucination" is an exceptional storytelling cop-out, and adding "or was it?" doesn't save it.

Those would be my places to start revisions.

[Parshias]

I'd say to change the part where assassin-Noah discovers he has a dentist's smock on. I know what you're going for, but a dentist's smock seems a little too forced. When dentist-Noah saw he had that gun it kinda made sense as a gun/holster isn't a thing that a professional assassin would take off very often, so it makes sense for him to still be wearing it in a sense. But wearing a dentist's smock under his shirt is kinda out there. And having Edgar point it out was a little odd, too. Maybe he finds something dentist related on his person, and he finds it himself? Like a business card, or maybe he's still wearing his plastic gloves and isn't sure why.

[Davricle]

Holy shit, I had to turn off stylesheets on that page so it didnt rape my eyes. Someone tell the owner of that forum to change the font color...


Oh, and the screenplay is decent, there's a few lines that need work though:
41) Rivkah apologizes and says No, I’m sorry Noah”. Davidson is startled and asks how she knew to call him that. She says that she is one of the bad guys and points at the water glass. “You’re poisoned.”

That is incredibly cheesey, especially the way it is worded.

The ending could use a bit of a rewrite too, I think

I own the forums, haha. As for the you're posioned line, I agree that it can use a bit more work. Thank you for pointing it out.

t opens with what appears to be a metric-fuckload of expository dialogue. Figure out a more creative way to establish his condition than just a conversation - show, don't tell.

"It was all just a dream/hallucination" is an exceptional storytelling cop-out, and adding "or was it?" doesn't save it.

In the opening he wakes up in a doctors office and doesn't know how he got there or remember making an appointment. On the cab ride home he passes out and wakes up in his house, also not remembering how he got there. Other than those, I'm not sure how I can show that he had a brain tumor removed, or that hes extremely nacoleptic. If you have any ideas, I would greatly appreciate hearing them.

As for the ending; the entire screenplay focuses on narcolepsy, dream-like states and the inability to disassociate dreams from reality. Throughout, neither Noah nor the audience know which life is a dream and which is a fake as both characters show a crisis of not knowing who they are. In a script that deals with dreams to that extent, I feel that the ending would make perfect sense.
Neither life was real. To me, it just seemed to fit. Again, if you have another way i can resolve it, I am open to hearing it.

I'd say to change the part where assassin-Noah discovers he has a dentist's smock on. I know what you're going for, but a dentist's smock seems a little too forced. When dentist-Noah saw he had that gun it kinda made sense as a gun/holster isn't a thing that a professional assassin would take off very often, so it makes sense for him to still be wearing it in a sense. But wearing a dentist's smock under his shirt is kinda out there. And having Edgar point it out was a little odd, too. Maybe he finds something dentist related on his person, and he finds it himself? Like a business card, or maybe he's still wearing his plastic gloves and isn't sure why.

I think this is excellent, thank you!

Thank you all for the feedback you have given thus far, and I look forward to hearing more!

EDIT: Forgot to quote.

[archibaldcrane]

"It was all just a dream/hallucination" is an exceptional storytelling cop-out, and adding "or was it?" doesn't save it.

As for the ending; the entire screenplay focuses on narcolepsy, dream-like states and the inability to disassociate dreams from reality. Throughout, neither Noah nor the audience know which life is a dream and which is a fake as both characters show a crisis of not knowing who they are. In a script that deals with dreams to that extent, I feel that the ending would make perfect sense.
Neither life was real. To me, it just seemed to fit. Again, if you have another way i can resolve it, I am open to hearing it.

My main problem with "dreams in film or TV" is that most visual/aural representation of dreams doesn't even -try- to replicate what dreaming is really like. Real dreams are fucking random, don't stick to a particular train of thought or story, have things that don't make any sense whatsoever but seem to be perfectly fine at the time, etc. It's rarely ever done accurately. Maybe once or twice in my entire life I've woken up and then had to say "wait...oh ok that was actually a dream" when I thought about it - and third-party observers wouldn't have that problem distinguishing. Dreams just aren't like life. They're different. (this was my same disappointment with "Vanilla Sky" as well - swapping Penelope Cruz with Cameron Diaz in one sex scene does not a dream make)

Dreams can be done well in film/TV - there's a sopranos episode that does a dream very well - the psychiatrist walks into a room, finds a coke machine, inserts a few macaroni noodles into the coin slot and nothing comes out. She reaches into the hole where the can should come from and her hand gets stuck. A pitbull comes barking into the room and she's terrified, but then she realizes that the pitbull is actually barking at the door she entered, protecting her from whoever is trying to get in.

Now that's a dream. No one watching could think it's happening in reality.

I know my criticism is going to the core of your idea, but after 6 years of film schooling watching dreams being done poorly to death, it's just ...not necessary re-create that failure.

[Davricle]

I love debate, its how we make the best of our art.

Four other classic symptoms of narcolepsy, which may not occur in all patients, are cataplexy, sleep paralysis, hypnogogic hallucinations, and automatic behavior. Cataplexy is an episodic condition featuring loss of muscle function, ranging from slight weakness (such as limpness at the neck or knees, sagging facial muscles, or inability to speak clearly) to complete body collapse. Episodes may be triggered by sudden emotional reactions such as laughter, anger, surprise, or fear, and may last from a few seconds to several minutes. The person remains conscious throughout the episode. Sleep paralysis is the temporary inability to talk or move when waking up. It may last a few seconds to minutes. This is often frightening but is not dangerous. Hypnagogic hallucinations are vivid, often frightening, dreamlike experiences that occur while dozing, falling asleep and/or while awakening. Automatic behavior means that a person continues to function (talking, putting things away, etc.) during sleep episodes, but awakens with no memory of performing such activities.

Nighttime sleep does not include much deep sleep, so the brain tries to "catch up" during the day, hence EDS (Excessive Daytime Sleepiness)
May visibly fall asleep at any moment (such motions as head bobbing are common)
People with narcolepsy fall quickly into what appears to be very deep sleep
They wake up suddenly and can be disoriented when they do (dizziness is a common occurrence)
They have very vivid dreams, which they often remember
People with narcolepsy may dream even when they only fall asleep for a few seconds.

I posted some key parts of the Wikipedia article on narcolepsy. I bolded the most important part, but everything I quoted happens at some point in my story. I also did some further research into the topic and found that some of the most extreme cases of narcolepsy can consist of heightened symptoms, in which Hypnagogic Hallucinations can last for hours, as opposed to minutes. Also Automatic Behavior is like Sleepwalking +1 in which you may wake up somewhere you have never been before doing something you never knew you could.

The important thing to remember is that the character is narcoleptic, and narcolepsy is not limited to solely dozing off. There are other symptoms as listed above. Also, those suffering from narcolepsy have an entirely different view of sleep and dreams than those who do not. They have vivid life-like dreams which they often remember.

For these reasons, the "dream sequences" make sense. At least in my mind they do.

EDIT: Quotes dont like me today.

[XxSlusherxx]

"It was all just a dream/hallucination" is an exceptional storytelling cop-out, and adding "or was it?" doesn't save it.

As for the ending; the entire screenplay focuses on narcolepsy, dream-like states and the inability to disassociate dreams from reality. Throughout, neither Noah nor the audience know which life is a dream and which is a fake as both characters show a crisis of not knowing who they are. In a script that deals with dreams to that extent, I feel that the ending would make perfect sense.
Neither life was real. To me, it just seemed to fit. Again, if you have another way i can resolve it, I am open to hearing it.

My main problem with "dreams in film or TV" is that most visual/aural representation of dreams doesn't even -try- to replicate what dreaming is really like. Real dreams are fucking random, don't stick to a particular train of thought or story, have things that don't make any sense whatsoever but seem to be perfectly fine at the time, etc. It's rarely ever done accurately. Maybe once or twice in my entire life I've woken up and then had to say "wait...oh ok that was actually a dream" when I thought about it - and third-party observers wouldn't have that problem distinguishing. Dreams just aren't like life. They're different. (this was my same disappointment with "Vanilla Sky" as well - swapping Penelope Cruz with Cameron Diaz in one sex scene does not a dream make)

Dreams can be done well in film/TV - there's a sopranos episode that does a dream very well - the psychiatrist walks into a room, finds a coke machine, inserts a few macaroni noodles into the coin slot and nothing comes out. She reaches into the hole where the can should come from and her hand gets stuck. A pitbull comes barking into the room and she's terrified, but then she realizes that the pitbull is actually barking at the door she entered, protecting her from whoever is trying to get in.

Now that's a dream. No one watching could think it's happening in reality.

I know my criticism is going to the core of your idea, but after 6 years of film schooling watching dreams being done poorly to death, it's just ...not necessary re-create that failure.

Have you ever seen The Science of Sleep, a movie also about narcalepsy(sp?) that is really really well done imo