Growing up in liberal Madison, with not a whole lot of black people around when I was young, I was pretty colorblind. That Marcus Sanders kid in 4th grade sure was good at basketball, just like Michael Jordan on TV! Bill Cosby is funny, he makes the best faces.
However, little things started to creep up. My older brother would come home from middle school complaining about Julian Freeman, who would call him a faggot and talk about how he fucked my brother's "chink girlfriend" (she was Vietnamese). I saw how helpless this big black kid in my brother's middle school made him feel, to the point where my brother would talk about sitting in shop class with a wrench in his hand just staring at the back of Julian's head, wanting...
On the other front, my dad the high school math teacher at the very good public high school on the west side would talk about the kids he was teaching, especially to me since I was good in school. He had a bunch of kids in his accelerated geometry classes that were in middle school and would bus over to take higher math - almost all of whom were foreign-born asian kids of professors and grad students at UW-Madison. He would rave about how the smartest kid in his class would be some 7th grade Asian girl - very quiet, very nice. But don't get him started on the noisy black kids in the halls, who just don't have any discipline and will talk back to you like you just wouldn't believe. He always pointed out the race of his non-white students in his stories - growing up in all-white northern Wisconsin as a kid probably makes you more racially conscious than most, and that racial consciousness was quickly rubbing off on me. I stopped being colorblind.
My first girlfriend, in 8th grade, lived in my upper-middle class neighborhood. Her mom was black and cherokee, her dad was white. She was very "white cultured" and her race didn't seem particularly important while she was my girlfriend, at least for a while. I remember though, she got her hair styled into cornrows for a week, and man it weirded me out. She looked...black - I mean, she always had dark skin and kinky hair, but now...she really looked black. Black like Julian Freeman and the loud black students in the hall my dad always talked about. Black like the new batch of 6th graders my little sister was hanging out with, as they redrew the district lines of my middle school, encompassing a new low-income housing development nearby. My sister was acting more disrespectful, and her grades were suffering...it felt like she was getting in "with the wrong crowd".
I finally started to begin to identify myself as white, and with that I started to have white guilt. You see, growing up in a liberal college town, you don't talk about race much. Not in the open anyway. It's all subtlety and nuance. Everyone is equal, you see, but white people are at fault for why people of other races are poor, uneducated. They aren't getting a fair shake in the white-system - that's why they have trouble. It's your responsibility as a white person to not be a contributor to the failures of other races - we have to help them, but remember, everyone is equal. We're all the same, you see, but you're white and privileged because of that.
High school was different. There were black and hispanic kids there, but...not in my classes. Most of the things I took were "acamo" (academically motivated) or "TAG" (talented and gifted). I took french. I was with white people a huge percentage of the time. People were developing their identities, there were stoners and goth kids and jocks and preps and geeks and etc. etc. - race was only one of many modes of identity. But my racial consciousness was complete. I hadn't had enough exposure with "peers" that were black to make it a non-issue. And it wasn't just about race, it was just as much about culture, attitude. But I can't think that way. I'm white and privileged, and they aren't, and it's white people's fault. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that information anymore, but it is what it is. I had a surprising incident though, when I was 16 - surprised myself completely. I had something buried in me that I didn't quite know was there, and it took one incident after a football game to bring it out.
It shocked me, and I eventually, years later, made a film about it, called
Phone Call. It's weird, casting for a short film with dicey racial content - the white people in the "good guy" roles are -way- more wary of the content than the black people in the "bad guy" roles - they just play their part. My white professors were equally skeptical. I felt like I had touched on something, a piece of white guilt that resonated strongly. A white person portraying honestly a segment of his life which is divided along racial lines very clearly? Does that make me "part of the problem" that my upbringing has so carefully taught me to avoid? I got sick of tip-toeing around the issues of race. My vaunted school district in Madison, which was very frequently labeled among the best in the nation, had a 50% drop out rate among black students. Fifty-fucking-percent, and these were well-funded schools. Something was missing, and tip-toeing wasn't helping. I attack that tip-toeing as much as I can, in regular conversations with people of all races. I hate it - I despise it. I'm starting to ramble now, losing focus a bit, but ...yeah. There's my little bit on race. I've made two films with racial content so far, the one mentioned above and one called
Mark - which was based on another race-related issue in my life, albeit with much more subtleness.