Thoughts on this predicament

[arlania]

So looking for input on this situation. Met someone whom I enjoy being around and spending time with, only problem is that they are in a relationship currently. A relationship they are unhappy in, in which their partner treats them like crap and it's nothing they wanted. They have told me im everything they want in a relationship, but they dont want to jump into anything too fast because they have been burned in the past. They also live fairly far away, but I visited them recently and things worked well, we seemed to click really well when their partner wasnt around watching us. So anyone been in this sort of situation before and have advice?

[MisterBob]

It's going to be messy if you try, and most likely not worth it.

[archibaldcrane]

If her relationship sucks, she should break up with her boyfriend before you really consider this further.

Until that happens, keep in touch but don't get any more attached than you already are. Make it clear to her that you aren't interested in pursing anything while she still has a boyfriend, and leave it at that until the situation changes. If she needs a secure "branch to swing to" before breaking up, that's a situation you want to stay away from. Don't be that branch, if the relationship sucks it should end, and if it doesn't, that's also a situation you want to stay away from.

[Aerin]

Agreed don't get over involved that just invites a whole shitstorm you don't want to deal with. If she doesn't want the relationship then she should leave.

[kuronosan]

Unfortunately the only thing you can do is just tell her you're there for her and move on, continuing to be her friend when you feel necessary. Don't try and convince her to leave her boyfriend, don't try and paint yourself as a better option, just leave her be. If she brings up her boyfriend again, just be as tactful as possible and tell her that you don't want to hear her complain about her boyfriend anymore. When she asks why, either tell her the truth (that you really don't want her to tell you problems about a guy she's staying with) or lie to her (that you don't want to hear about it anymore).

Either way, her body language is clear. If she wanted you, she'd have broken up with him. What she's doing is building a rapport with you and seeing if you're somebody worth 'jumping' to. If you're not, she'll find someone else. Until she does, she's going to stay with him no matter what she says about him. That's how some women are, unfortunately.

[arlania]

Hmm yeah I get what your saying. Ive asked her why she's in the relationship when she doesnt like it and if im what she's looking for in one then why not go for it. Her response was that she's been burned too much in the past with guys lying to her about who they were that she wants to know if i'm the same type of person as that.

[archibaldcrane]

Hmm yeah I get what your saying. Ive asked her why she's in the relationship when she doesnt like it and if im what she's looking for in one then why not go for it. Her response was that she's been burned too much in the past with guys lying to her about who they were that she wants to know if i'm the same type of person as that.

That doesn't answer your question at all about why she's with her current boyfriend still.

She sounds like a game-player in the worst way. I'd just bail, fuck it.

[arlania]

That doesn't answer your question at all about why she's with her current boyfriend still.

She sounds like a game-player in the worst way. I'd just bail, fuck it.

Reason I think she's with this current guy is because she used to live in FL, got engaged to a guy that promised her the world and then turned around and treated her like shit when they moved to the midwest, this guy came along and saved her from that situation and since she has nothing she's just there with him. I guess it might be best to just give the whole thing time to let her see the differences herself w/o needing to say anything. I did however tell her that I can see he treats her like a possession more then a person.

[Jedimasta]

You just fucking described a situation I'm in with a girl right now.

Just wow, I'd give you advice but I'm just as fucked.

[wyrmtung]

I totally agree with all of the above advice to stay away. Not relationship material until she's totally single (without your help) and lives closer to you. However, lemme just offer this alternative: fuck buddy.

Looks like a perfect situation to set up a no-strings-attached fuck buddy. She's in a relationship so you don't need to worry about taking care of her emotionally. She lives far away so you don't have to worry about getting in each other's business. If I were in that situation then I might make some leading comments to see if she would be open to that kind of thing.

Of course it's gotta be done right and you agree to some rules but it's a nice way to get a little strange on the side while it lasts. Of course it will eventually end, sometimes badly, but it's still better than what you have now which is nothing. You might as well get some wild sex out of it.

And the next time you hear Alannis Morisette sing on the radio about "going down on you in a theater" you can nod knowingly.

[Chreman]

Lay out the groundwork for a relationship, but don't hold your breath.

How come someone being in a relationship like that isn't an immediate turn-off?

[arlania]

You just fucking described a situation I'm in with a girl right now.

Just wow, I'd give you advice but I'm just as fucked.

Yeah, its a messed up thing...I don't know lol.

Lay out the groundwork for a relationship, but don't hold your breath.

How come someone being in a relationship like that isn't an immediate turn-off?

Yeah im basically laying out the groundwork, as for the distance thing im going to be living closer most likely if the school im looking at works out. Them being in a relationship wasnt the turn on or off, we were just friends and it kind of grew from harmless flirting to something far more.

[Norelco]

So looking for input on this situation. Met someone whom I enjoy being around and spending time with, only problem is that they are in a relationship currently. A relationship they are unhappy in, in which their partner treats them like crap and it's nothing they wanted. They have told me im everything they want in a relationship, but they dont want to jump into anything too fast because they have been burned in the past. They also live fairly far away, but I visited them recently and things worked well, we seemed to click really well when their partner wasnt around watching us. So anyone been in this sort of situation before and have advice?

I've heard this story so many times before. Just walk away. She's going to string you along like a yo-yo for months until you are completely emotionally drained. Also, don't be that asshole who is breaking up a relationship. Let her do it.

[Deejay]

Ew, isn't Arlania the one who pretended to be a girl on ffxi.

[Fhqwghads]

Ew, isn't Arlania the one who pretended to be a girl on ffxi.

Like the thousands of other dudes who have and still do the same thing? Who cares... there are no women on the internets.

Anyway. To the OP: What everyone said. As soon as you break it off with her you'll know if she's truly interested in being with you. One of two things will happen. She'll either break it off with the guy she's with to try to get with you, or she will disappear from your life. If it's the former then you'll still have to deal with baggage and possibly her leaving you to get back with her ex when her ex tries to woo her back. If it's the latter who cares, because it was obviously a waste of your time.

[Izzy]

Before you continue with her, tell her she needs to break up with her current boyfriend before you're going to go any further. This will end bad for you if you do not.

[Norelco]

Have you guys cybered yet?

[Shuemue]

So looking for input on this situation. Met someone whom I enjoy being around and spending time with, only problem is that they are in a relationship currently. A relationship they are unhappy in, in which their partner treats them like crap and it's nothing they wanted. They have told me im everything they want in a relationship, but they dont want to jump into anything too fast because they have been burned in the past. They also live fairly far away, but I visited them recently and things worked well, we seemed to click really well when their partner wasnt around watching us. So anyone been in this sort of situation before and have advice?

I've heard this story so many times before. Just walk away. She's going to string you along like a yo-yo for months until you are completely emotionally drained. Also, don't be that asshole who is breaking up a relationship. Let her do it.

Listen to Norelco.

[oxx2]

fuck

[ircgeek]

I'm sure you think she's the nicest person in the world, but all this is is her using you for emotional support, seriously. Whether she realizes it or not, she's just using you because she's too comfortable or lazy or whatever to break up with the other dude. Everyone's right - this happens all the time, don't set yourself up for disappointment.

But yeah, feel free to tell her you can't do this anymore and just want to be friends. Maybe that'll light the fire under her ass and get her to break up, but if not, then you're better off.