Probably the wrong place to ask......

[Ganzar]

I agree with the guy who agrees with the other who disagrees with the others. I met one of my friends in a calculus class (same group) and ever since we've been good really good friends. I don't see myself sleeping with her consciously, she's like my lil sister.

I bet she wants the cock, even though you don't want to give it to her.

[Soarian]

If she is truly serious about being "just friends" with him and just wants to get some kind of closure, then tell her to invite him over while you are there and let them talk in the kitchen while you sit in the next room. If she protests even the slightest bit with this extremely fair proposition then you know its time to get rid of her.

My honest opinion though is that she still has feelings for him and that there isn't anything you can do to stop her from pursuing them, short of chaining her to oven or something.

[archibaldcrane]

Denchi - did you address that she's intentionally hiding her relationship with you from her ex's mom?

That, in my opinion is the most poisonous part of this situation.

"Well, it's just never come up" is complete and total bullshit, since it sure as hell should come up exactly one sentence after "oh my son would like to visit you in Mexico".

[Denchi]

I did ask her about that. She did say "It just never came up." She doesn't want to bring it up and wants to let the boy in question deal with it and tell his mom.

She doesn't wanna be the bearer of bad news, or something. She said she would tell her, though. I think it's fucked up too, she doesn't really understand what the big deal is.

She feels like I'm telling her what to do, and she wants to do it on her own. I keep telling her she can do whatever she wants, but her decisions have consequences, and one of them can be me leaving. She doesn't like that, but she's offered absolutely no alternative solution.

[archibaldcrane]

Shit that has the least chance of happening - a master list:
#1: Me having a threesome with Scarlett Johansson and Marisa Miller.

#2: This:

She wants to let the boy in question deal with it and tell his mom.

#3: Everything else.

You said she's a people-pleaser - and I understand that.

Way too personal question - is she submissive? She might just need you to...take the reigns, so to speak here. She tries to please everyone hoping that someone will finally relieve her of her feeling of responsibility to figure out what people want, and maybe you just need to let her know what it takes to please you.

[Denchi]

Yeah....

she seemed pretty unhappy when I talked to her today. She's in "I don't wanna think about it" mode. So we had a shallow conversation and now she's off to dance. I apparently got demoted on her love scale too. she thinks "Te Amo" is the best, "I love you" is 2nd best, and "Te Quiero" is 3rd best. So instead of "I love you" I got "TQM" or "Te Quiero Mucho."

Blaahhhh, I'm the type that's gonna start blaming myself if shit hits the fan.

[Maguspk]

Long distance relationship and she went out to dance? Like a club or something?

Yeah, she's going to find a guy to fuck, sorry.

[Denchi]

She's taken a lot of Salsa classes, so she's taking some Salsa class in Mexico too.

She's only been out to the "club" maybe twice. Even if she wasn't dating me she wouldn't find a guy and fuck him. She's repulsed by most guys.

[Khamsin]

This thread is so negative, everyone's telling the poor guy his girlfriend is cheating on him. lol

Don't let BG ruin your relationship. Use your brain, and your gut, and don't go punishing her for what BG thinks and drive her off.

But still, it is a good idea to express your feelings on the matter, if it really does bother you that much.

[archibaldcrane]

Denchi, it just seems like you've backed into a corner, seemingly because you are kinda weak-willed. It sounds like you do honestly trust her, despite the deluge of "she's cheating on you" here, but trust and jealousy aren't always mutually exclusive. This guy is a douchebag that she wants to still be friends with, and you want her to both realize and take action on that knowledge - I feel like you are moreso losing respect for her because of her bad judgment in letting him hang around than you are worried he's a threat to you, which I feel is valid.

Anyway, good luck - and if you feel you've made your stand, then let it go for now and see what happens. She knows you well enough that she knows she can guilt-trip you badly if she wants to, don't let her. You're doing the right thing here.

[Metah]

One cannot use their brain and gut at the same time, or at least that's what Stephen Colbert says.

[Denchi]

I've been caught in the "weak willed" position before. But I feel that being humble and not being a "Dude" and "Telling that bitch what's up" is what got me in such a good relationship in the first place.

But I wouldn't have brought it up to you guys unless I really thought it was a problem, and I agree, it's something that needs to be dealt with. When I started this whole ordeal I knew that the result might be breaking up with her, but when I get closer to it of course it becomes less of a good idea. But like someone else said, I should stick to my guns.

I always second-guess myself, but in this situation i truly can't find a way I could have dealt with this "better." She's the one that needs to make a decision. I just hope she comes to realize what she needs to do. But she's had problems with her parents (because of this guy 1 1/2 years ago) that also make her more defensive than she should be. So really, this situation was bound to come up sometime later, I just kinda forced the issue. Because I should have, and it wasn't fair to me.


.....right? lol

[Posterboy]

I've been caught in the "weak willed" position before. But I feel that being humble and not being a "Dude" and "Telling that bitch what's up" is what got me in such a good relationship in the first place.

What?

Shes taking salsa lessons for what? To woo you? Or woo possible other guys?

!?!?

As said multiple times already in the thread, don't accept anything less than a situation that makes you happy. She shouldn't have the booty call handy if you two are at the point of discussing marriage.

[Hitoshura]

I wouldn't consider it a similar situation but here goes. Around last year I was in a relationship with this girl and I thought I loved her, we both "felt" the same way. Her Prom is just around the corner, I had already graduated and went to my prom last year with someone else. She hasn't mentioned a single thing about it and it was about 2 weeks away by now. So I asked her if she wanted to go to her prom? She says yes and I was like oh cool then, then she says she planned on going with a friend who she says didn't have a date and she felt sorry for him. I didn't like this friend in particular, I guess he had liked her the year before and had tried asking her out and she said no. Still they kept in touch and were friends throughout the year. Anyway so I tell her that I really didn't feel comfortable about that, especially when I wanted to take her myself, and since we were in a relationship and what not. She flies off the handle and tries makes me feel bad for this. Sadly this trust issue is what sort of ended our relationship. Moral of the story is.. approach this more carefully than the BG's are saying, especially if you truly care for her. My ex was pretty heartless, I am not so sure yours is.

Way I saw it is, oh well; at least I got that v card.

[Norelco]

LOL, we go through all of this shit with Denchi and then we find out she's in Mexico taking Salsa lessons. Good lord...her instructor is probably the most handsome, ass-kicking salsa dancer who will be rubbing his bulging loins all over her.

[Aerin]

So really, this situation was bound to come up sometime later, I just kinda forced the issue. Because I should have, and it wasn't fair to me.


.....right? lol

You're right it wasn't fair to you at all and she should realize that. Ya it's too bad she lost her long time friend in the long run, but too bad you can't have everything. You lose and you gain friends throughout life.

If you guys were really talking about marriage then she should realize that when she went to ask you if it was ok if he came over, your response shouldn't be just an automatic "yes." (As a disclaimer, there are things you should just say yes or no to. Like when she asks if she's fat you don't think about it you just say no.)

She just kept saying that he didn't mean anything bad, he just wanted to come down as a friend and he got upset when I said no.

Seriously? Who the fuck cares if he got angry. Not only that why should he even be angry?

[rezn0r]

i'm the type of freak that would type up 4 rambling pages on a topic like this

this is the best advice here:

Don't let BG ruin your relationship. Use your brain, and your gut, and don't go punishing her for what BG thinks and drive her off.

talk to her more and don't start assuming certain things and then basing actions towards her on those assumptions.
i have immense trust issues and i'd be even more twisted than you are right now, but khamsin is 110% right.

[Odon]

I figure I'll share my experience on being that guy, it's pretty damn recent, as of the last couple of weeks.

A few weeks ago my ex came home - She was in a relationship at the time. I knew full well the whole time about her boyfriend and everything, but that didn't stop me from fucking her brains out every time I saw her.

When she got back to school, she told her boyfriend. He asked her to stop speaking to me and she flat out told him no.
They broke up about a week ago. She broke up with him.

Don't let this happen to you.

[archibaldcrane]

I've been caught in the "weak willed" position before. But I feel that being humble and not being a "Dude" and "Telling that bitch what's up" is what got me in such a good relationship in the first place.

So really, this situation was bound to come up sometime later, I just kinda forced the issue. Because I should have, and it wasn't fair to me.

.....right? lol

Right. And look, it doesn't have to involve being a jerk. It's about two things:

A: Clearly communicating how you feel and what your expectations and needs are, and working towards a solution you can live with.
B: See A.

Don't cave in because you feel guilty for having needs. They are valid, and this is rightfully important to you. The idea that your girlfriend -shouldn't- hide your relationship from people, especially with intent, and that your girlfriend shouldn't be having ex-boyfriends visit on multiple-night trips without you present, are absolute no-brainers in a relationship. Her continued friendship with her ex could be negotiable, but those first two things are absolutely not.

[Akun]

Don't let BG ruin your relationship. Use your brain, and your gut, and don't go punishing her for what BG thinks and drive her off.

Obviously some people are cracking jokes, but I think a lot of people who are saying the gf still has a thing for the guy are saying it because it seems really obvious, not just a "lol lets fuck with this dude" situation.

I'd been there. Hell if I looked at my aim conversations from that time, i'm almost positive it explained the situation the same way the OP did. How'd it end for me? Girl ditched me for that guy. The guyshe had dated before but "I don't even like anymore, I promise. We're just friends" Btw, I tried the whole "i don't like you talking to him thing, being an ex and all, and seeing as all he talks about is when you used to date", didnt go so well either