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  1. #1
    Oh, you've got green eyes.
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    Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    Ok so the syndrome itself doesn't exist nominally, however the symptoms are very real; just trying to start some discussion on a growing concern of mine as I reach closer to 30 and I'm wondering some people's thoughts/experiences on this.

    First, some background from the show:

    Ray and Debra have their share of marital disagreements, with Debra frequently denying Ray sex, and Ray prefers watching sports television to talking to his wife. A recurring theme on the show has them having a long interaction each night while in bed, just before going to sleep, and sometimes there is a sweetness between them.
    Quote Originally Posted by Some line from a Judd Apatow movie
    "Marriage is like an unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn't just last 20 minutes... it lasts forever."
    Now.

    Some women are very comfortable with sex, and some it just doesn't interest them that much. Obviously as a guy it's really only a slight exagerration to say I want it all the time, but the only time sex ever becomes 'too much' is when it seems as though it's all a relationship consists of, or it is often turned to as something to do when conversation is non-existent or generally vapid.

    I've been with women who want it ALL the time (one actually wanted it more than I did, never thought it was possible, but she was kinda obsessed with me) and the one directly after that basically hated it so that didn't last too long. But I can never seem to find the right medium.

    Recently I've met a great girl, young (early 20s), fit, fun, sexy and what I had thought to be generally free and comfortable in the bedroom. Now she has mentioned something to the effect of "when she is in love she doesn't feel the need to have sex all the time." It's low priority for her etc. and I'm just kinda weirded out how someone could not enjoy it/want it randomly.


    Sorry for the tl;dr but I'm just afraid of being Ray Romano some day, sitting beside my wife in bed who won't have sex with me. Thoughts? Experiences?

  2. #2
    Ridill
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    Back up, back up. This has to be funny for marriage to be an unfunny version, right? Does not compute.

  3. #3
    Oh, you've got green eyes.
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    up to you i suppose

    I just find it mildly disturbing the rather depressing life this man in a sitcom leads, sexual frustration is no joke

    unfunny situation at the heart of a funny show

    I guess what I'm hoping to hear is about married people who have managed to balance a healthy sex-life with all the other good stuff that comes with a relationship, along with any advice or anecdotes of nightmare relationships


    lastly, read: common-law for marriage, man/partner for woman, w/e floats your boat, just being lazy here, it's 6am and work is almost over

  4. #4
    Ridill
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    Talk to your wife?

  5. #5

    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    First off, "Everybody Loves Raymond" is a shitty example of a good marriage. The entire show is structured on Ray's inability to lie to his family.

    Secondly, have you talked to your girl about this? I mean, yes, as a married man, I can say that sex drops off a little, but not because it becomes less important to the relationship, but more because my wife and I don't make time for it.

    I'd find a way to talk this over with her. You don't need to be overbearing about it (gimme sex nowz~!), but to me, something doesn't gel to me when you have a woman who supposedly uses sex as an expression of love yet feels that in a close and intimate relationship, sex shouldn't be as important.

    You'd think that if sex was such a great act of intimacy to her, she'd want to be with you -more- as the relationship got closer.

    I'd talk to her about it. For the love of god, don't approach it from the point of view that says, "you won't sleep with me, you don't love me, bawwww." Just bring up the fact that you are concerned by how she sees sex, and how the way she sees sex isn't matching with the increasing levels of intimacy between you two.

    There may be other factors, stress at work, family issue, past relationship baggage, etc etc. Don't force answers, but be willing to open the door and let her talk to you about anything that might be an issue.

    However, I also think that this is just now happening, and the relationship will go through several re-definition periods anyway. You might want to give it some time, try to woo her a little again like when you were first trying to get into her pants, and see if it sparks a little return from her.

    But yeah, fuck Everybody Loves Raymond.

  6. #6
    E. Body
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    I think communication is key here, like the above poster said. Let her know that you do find sex an important and fun way to maintain intimacy with your partner. Explain that when she stated sex becomes less important for her that you were concerned about it, thinking that if this turns into a serious long-term relationship that you might be unsatisfied if the frequency of sex starts to ebb considerably. Perhaps she can further explain what she meant with what she said, and you can make a determination based on her response that will be the deciding factor on if the two of you have a future together.

    If I were to wager a guess, that was her way of saying she's not really into sex. Personally I think you have disparate needs, and you might be better off continuing your search for the right woman for you, but at least give her a chance to go into more detail.

  7. #7
    Pandemonium
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    Don't forget that as you get older your sex drive just isn't as strong as it is when you're in your 20s. I think a lot of young people think that the lack of a sex life in mid-age couples is always the woman's fault, when it can easily be that they both just don't desire sex as much as they used to. And I would think that if you find someone you love enough to marry, you would be comfortable sexually with that person.

  8. #8
    Chram
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    Quote Originally Posted by Cephius
    Don't forget that as you get older your sex drive just isn't as strong as it is when you're in your 20s. I think a lot of young people think that the lack of a sex life in mid-age couples is always the woman's fault, when it can easily be that they both just don't desire sex as much as they used to. And I would think that if you find someone you love enough to marry, you would be comfortable sexually with that person.
    Guy is 30, woman is 20. I agree with Fhqwghads, sounds like excuses. OR theres a rut someplace in there. Need to get a little less lovey lovey, and more freaky freaky.

    Stick it in her butt.

  9. #9
    The Mizzle Fizzle of Nikkei's Haremizzle

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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    Quote Originally Posted by Acturus

    But yeah, fuck Everybody Loves Raymond.

    Thank you. That is one of the unfunniest shows ever permitted to air on network television.

  10. #10
    The Optimistic Asshole
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    I try to avoid sex at all costs. Once or twice a week is a successful week for me. Going at it 3 times a day got old after about 2 years into the relationship.

  11. #11
    Yoshi P
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    I HATE Everybody Loves Raymond. It should be Everybody is Annoyingonthatshowmond...or something.

    Anyway, I can't speak about sexual drives in marriage because I'm not married, however I can speak on how annoying it is to have a partner that doesn't want to have sex as much as you do. It gets really frustrating, but if you talk about it it may help the situation. It helped mine atleast, so good luck!

  12. #12
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    male and female sex drives peak at different times too, and lots of other things can particularly interfere with womens' sex drives, such as the pill, or time of the month, or all sorts of things.

    Seriously though, sit down and discuss why it's not a big thing for her when she's in a close relationship. It could be that she likes the spontaneity of it when you're still a little unsure about your future, or some other excitement-related reason, in which case, experiment a little if she's willing to find something else that excites her. She could be stressed out about something else too, and using lack of sex as the outlet for it. Just don't be scared to talk to her about it. If you can't communicate about sex then there are worse problems in the relationship ^^;;

    Good luck!

  13. #13
    Vuitton
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    I am a guy with a low sex drive. I am 25 years old. I have sex about twice a week with my partner, sometimes three. If it was his choice we'd have sex three times a day every day. I just think its too much effort to be honest and I don't want to bother with it. I'd rather just masterbate.

  14. #14
    Sea Torques
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    The TV analogy your making is pretty incomplete. Your not really looking at the fact that Ray does something (in every episode) to instigate the lack of booty.

    The fact of the matter is, if you get caught telling a lie to your woman, publicly embarrassing her, or do something to somehow offend her, she probably not going to want to fuck(much like the show). If you do it often enough, unlike the show your relationship will not last.

    Basically treat your woman with respect and understand that not wanting to have sex sometimes has nothing to do with you and this won't be an issue.

  15. #15
    I'll change yer fuckin rate you derivative piece of shit
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    Quote Originally Posted by sb
    Your not really looking at the fact that Ray does something (in every episode) to instigate the lack of booty.
    Withholding sex as a way to punish your partner for issues outside the bedroom is a terrible way to maintain a relationship.

    The first woman I ever slept with said she had a rule that regardless of what happened during the day, sex should never be withheld. Kind of a "never go to sleep angry" thing - basically that even if you are upset with each other, or not feeling it or whatever, engaging in sexual intimacy was an important way of connecting with your partner regardless of circumstance and an important way to maintain a connection apart from the sometimes dreary aspect of day-to-day living together.

    She was also kinda crazy and fucked me over good but that's the positive idea I took away from the relationship.

    I think this type of language could be helpful in your situation - sex doesn't have to be about banging away to orgasm...or if it is then we've identified the real problem.

  16. #16
    Ridill
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    Quote Originally Posted by Mizango
    Quote Originally Posted by Acturus

    But yeah, fuck Everybody Loves Raymond.

    Thank you. That is one of the unfunniest shows ever permitted to air on network television.
    I dunno, 2 and a half men is pretty fucking bad too. Every punch line in that show is so forced it hurts, and that kid is such a bad actor.

  17. #17
    Old Merits
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    When my boyfriend moved in all that he wanted was sexsexsex. It was really frustrating because sometimes there are other things I would rather be doing.

    He would also say, "We are having sex tonight." Never, hey do you want to, or maybe we should. It was always "We -ARE-.."

  18. #18
    I'll change yer fuckin rate you derivative piece of shit
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    The problem with Everybody Loves Raymond isn't so much that it's a very mediocre with an ultra-conservative bitch as it's leading lady - it's that it spawned no fewer than ...5 copy-cat sitcom clones?

    Let's see.

    The King of Queens
    Yes, Dear
    According to Jim
    Still Standing

    I'm not going to search for more, but yeah, mediocrity as a formula for ratings success.

  19. #19
    Ironing this Thread
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    I dunno, at work last night we watched an episode of raymond and the king of queens, both were mostly dry but there were a few lines that were really really funny.

    I rarely watch the shows so I can't really give a general, fair impression of it. But the ones on last night were at least decent.

  20. #20
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    Re: Marriage and "Ray Romano Syndrome"

    Quote Originally Posted by Vuitton
    I am a guy with a low sex drive. I am 25 years old. I have sex about twice a week with my partner, sometimes three. If it was his choice we'd have sex three times a day every day. I just think its too much effort to be honest and I don't want to bother with it. I'd rather just masterbate.
    wat

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